Dude's Must See Products for December 2019
December was all about the Ho, ho, ho! The Happy New Year! This is...2020. And, like every holiday season, and every season in general around here, the Luuuuke! I am your father, and the Weeee! Boobies and crotches! Enjoy Dude's must see products for December 2019, the final month of the decade's finest holiday gifts, New Year's gear, Star Wars swag, and titillating tee-tee and pee-pee trifles.
E20: What Is This Thing?
Hints: 1) It's from Japan; 2) And honestly, that's all I know. Even after looking at the additional images in the listing, and the product in action, I'm still not exactly sure what is this thing.
VindKan Penis Enlargement Underwear
Happy New Year from your penis, the little pants snake that thinks VindKan Penis Enlargement Underwear might help him show up to 2020's ssssex ssssessions a little less perky garter and a little more long, lashing anaconda. Yeah, I agree. The Penis Enlargement Underwear are probably nothing but a can of snake oil - VindKan even sells them in a can - but maybe, just maybe they actually work.
And what's the worst that could happen even if they don't? You end up with a snazzy new pair of underoos.
Star Wars Millennium Falcon Experience Bounce House
An officially licensed release from Magic Jump, the Star Wars Millennium Falcon Experience is a Star Wars gift to rival even the Rebel Bass Guitar (at least for those who have more energy in their legs than talent in their fingers). The inflatable spaceship is detailed in its graphic overlays, with an exterior covered in an application of the actual graphics of the Millennium Falcon's armored hull. Inside the bounce house you'll find various familiar faces and features from the Star Wars franchise, such as inflatable versions of Chewbacca and R2-D2, and C-3PO graphics.
Politically Charged & Controversial Holiday Gifts
Politically charged and controversial gifts for are the solution to everyone's holiday conundrum: how do I make tense times with my family, co-workers, and the UPS delivery guy worse?
Well dudes, here you go. Over a dozen suggestions ranging from presidents and governments to religion and relationships, all here to make your Christmas (or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Festivus) gift exchanges a little more interesting. Enjoy my compilation of politically charged and controversial gifts for the holidays.
Bobsla Snow Kart
It may be lovely weather for a sleigh ride together, but I think I'm gonna sled solo on a Bobsla this time. And by "sled" I mean fly downhill and across the snow at speeds of over 20 MPH in this snowmobile / drift kart electric hybrid.
The Bobsla pairs a frictionless, sled-like front half with a pair of treads on the back, the latter powered 'round and 'round by a 12kW motor. At printing, Bobsla was marketing their e-snowmobile to ski resorts, as an alternative or additional option to downhill skiing and snowboarding, and a less expensive winter sporting good to own and operate than a fleet of snowmobiles.
Right Or Racist: The Party Game About Stereotypes
The Party Game About Stereotypes seeks to capitalize on our current social and political climate for sure, but it also claims to provide a platform that will "help us learn about one another and ourselves, engage in useful dialogue, and most importantly, to laugh." I can just hear my Aunt Jan now: "I'm not racist, but I do think...." Or my wife's cousin Toby: "I'm sittin' Indian-style and I don't care what you libtard snowflakes have to say about it!"
Or my father-in-law to my wife: "Your firm struck gold with you, kiddo. A smart and qualified woman who doesn't just get pregnant and take leave 6 months out of every year." (Mother-in-law: "Sniff, sniff. But that's not to say we don't want grandchildren!")
Baby Yoda Baby on Board Windshield Decal
On board, Baby Yoda is. And while the Baby Yoda drawn in this clever take on the Baby on Board windshield decals is nowhere near as adorable as The Mandalorian's actual Baby Yoda, I still appreciate the reference, and the application of this tiny beast that could melt a cold man's heart (maybe even brighten a wicked ex-girlfriend Karen's black one) to a product that I otherwise have no interest in.
10 Images I Can't Believe Are Allowed on Amazon (NSFW)
And I mean very NSFW. I mean, it's not like I came across these 10 images I can't believe are allowed on Amazon because I was searching for porn, boobies, or sex toys on Amazon. I was just minding my own business, perusing the site for gifts and gear I thought my fellow dudes would like to take a gander at and - POW! It was porn, boobies, and sex toys - oh, and fornicating dragons - everywhere! I was appalled. I was scandalized. I was...
...so excited to show you!
Toast! Before You Drink Gummies
The market is already flooded with hangover cures and preventions, but Toast! Before You Drink Gummies believe they can give booze the ol' Care Bear Stare in a brand new, much simpler, and more effective way. According to Toast!, "Before You Drink Gummies are designed to stop the body's immune response [to alcohol] from ever happening."
DMOS Stealth Pro Snow Shovel
DMOS calls their Stealth Pro Snow Shovel "Your Excalibur with teeth." What a great line! Though it's also a double-edged sword (yuk, yuk, yuk) because Excalibur started out embedded in stone, and no man could pull it free but the rightful King of England. Given my past experiences shoveling snow with crappy shovels that get stuck in mounds or collapse under the weight of a good-sized scoop, I sure hope it doesn't take a King Arthur to brandish a Stealth Pro. This Excalibur with teeth better be enchanted for wielding by any old asshole.
Tasteful Giving: The Best Food Gifts
The gobble, gobble of the holiday season is in full swing! But if you would, take a quick pause from stuffing your own piehole to consider how you might win this year's gift exchange by stuffing the pieholes of others. I call it tasteful giving, and this list is all about food gifts. And while it contains neither corn nor fruit, I hope you'll find my collection of the best edible gifts to give for the holidays to be a cornucopia of fruitful ideas.
Micro TagBand Skin Tag Remover
The Micro TagBand skin tag remover is a tiny, low-tech tool for popping off bulbous mounds of excess flesh by way of slow strangulation.
To use the Micro TagBand, first load up the pointy piece with one of the skin tag removal bands. Cleanse the overzealous hump of epidermis in question with one of the included swabs, and then place the tool's cone end over it, flush with the surrounding skin. Use the L-shaped remover arm to slide the band from plastic body to human body, and there you go. Operation Skin Tag Asphyxiation is a go.
Sexy Gifts for that Special Someone (NSFW)
Some gifts are best left to Santa. But sexy gifts, especially sexy gifts for that someone special, those gifts are Baby Jesus territory all the way.
I joke! I joke!
Like any of us could compete with the BJ in a gift-giving competition. (I'll let you read into that double entendre however you want.)