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Snow Globe Sweaters

$8.54 from Amazon »

Don't be fooled! These here Snow Globe Sweaters are not cozy and adorable winter hats for snow globes. They're cozy and adorable winter hats for nipples! Like the ones on the ends of boobies. I really don't know why they've...

Animal Eye Patches

Sold Out from Amazon »

Lazy eye, meet snake eye. No kid likes wearing an eye patch (most adults don't either, unless it means they can talk and act like a pirate) but See Worthy Eye Patches makes the burden a little more bearable with their...

Honey Soles - Natural Cork Shoe Insoles

$39.95 from Amazon »

Not that I want to think about wearing flip-flops this time of year, but according to Honey Soles, putting their Natural Cork shoe insoles inside my regular shoes will make it feel like I am even in my leather loafers...

Pimple Popper Tool Kit

$7.99 - $9.99 from Amazon »

Wowee! A 7-piece Pimple Popper Tool Kit. Blackheads, whiteheads, and pus-filled zits better watch out, 'cause there's never been a better way to get rid of acne!...

Westwell Modular Tool Belts

$45 - $95 from Westwell »

Westwell isn't the first handycompany to sneak tools into the buckles of their fashion belts, but they are the first I've seen to make the tools modular and swappable, as well as with an option to keep them completely...

Giant Ride-On T-Rex Costume

$4,900 from Etsy »

Cretaceous Period meets the Wild, Wild West in this ride-on T-Rex costume, one of the most outstanding Halloween costumes I've seen this year. And one of the most outstanding mixed metaphors I've seen ever...

Hand Knit Adult Onesies

$304.84 - $937.97 from Etsy »

Happy Monday, cold people and penitents ready to level up your hair shirts! Strickolino has some hand knit adult onesies for you. Super chunky hand knit adult onesies. Like, chunkier than Skippy Extra Crunchy, the pico...

Ninja Bandages

$9.94 from Amazon »

Trade kissing for Hi-yah!-ing to make it better with these most excellent Ninja Bandages. Which are most definitely not just for kids...

Nail Fungus Repair Pen

$17.97 from Amazon »

Gah! Gah! Gah! This nail fungus repair pen is fine, great even, in and of itself, but Puriderma's Proof That It Works! photos? Gah! Gah! Gah! I'm about to lose my lunch, and I haven't even had lunch yet today. Toenails...

Pimple Vacuum

$22.99 from Amazon »

Here comes the pimple vacuum, suckin' up blackheads and pore jam like a Dyson at a dog hair buffet. Look at that photo! It's a vortex of dirt and oil! Acne-ridden teens, check out your new Fairy Godmother in action...

SteelBee Razor Saver

Sold Out from Amazon »

The SteelBee Razor Saver asks, "Replacing your blades often?" Why, yes, SteelBee, I do replace them on the regular. But not because they're rusty. Because, um, they're dull, and you're supposed to replace them. Every...

Miss Nessa Monster Suits

$135 - $295 from Etsy »

Vanessa Henerty sews the most adorable Monster Suits I've ever seen. Her Etsy shop, Miss Nessa Monster Suits, displays Henerty's handmade, onesie-style costumes that seem to be equally suitable for Halloween, bedtime...

The Boys - Homelander Costume

Discontinued

Men, cast your own web of deception this Halloween, dressing up as Homelander, leader of The Seven, and The Boys' resident sexy superhero / covert ruthless bastard...

Mr. Rogers Costume

$43.94 from Amazon »

Mr. Rogers? Fred Rogers? That's a bold choice for a Halloween costume, one that will be pretty tough for most people to pull off. Just picture it: you don the red cardigan and sneakers, slip on the King Friday XIII and...

Inflatable Pig Costume

$30.99 from Amazon »

What did the pig say to the Impossible Burger? "Where's the beef?!" Hey, no one said pigs are funny. And why should they be? They work so hard to bring home the bacon, you can't really expect them to be witty and clever...

Hello Oral Care Activated Charcoal Infused Floss

$17.99 from Amazon »

Hello Oral Care's line that's supposed to sell us on their Activated Charcoal Infused Floss is "Fall black in love with flossing." Um. Huh. How to unpack that?...

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia D*ck Towel

$22.21 from Amazon »

The actual Dick Towel Mac created and sported on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 5, Episode 8) didn't look like this Dick Towel you yourself can sport on any day you like. But I guess it's a close enough approximation...

Breo Scalp Mini Waterproof Head Massager

$69.99 - $89.99 from Amazon »

The Breo Scalp Mini can't possibly deliver the level of head massage that my wife can. Or my hairdresser, for that matter. But it does have some key features, such as the ever-eager and indefatigable nature of a machine...

AuraGlow LED Teeth Whitening Kit

$48.50 from Amazon »

With AuraGlow your teeth will glow, and then they'll glow. This teeth whitening kit combines the active-ingredient-goo of white strips with the mouthpiece-style tray of whitening offerings from dentists' offices, and...

Personalized Freak Masks

$15.99 - $73.99 from Firebox.com »

While Firebox will personalize these Freak Masks with your own face, or the face in any photo you upload and send them, I smell a branding opportunity here for hip-hop artist Ski Mask the Slump God. Ski masks of Ski Mask...

Barefoot Dreams CozyChic Men's Camo Hoodie

$175 from Amazon »

I think Barefoot Dreams' CozyChic Men's Camo Hoodie will be the coziest and chicest hoodie you'll ever wear in your life. At least it better be for what Barefoot Dreams is charging for the ball o' fluff with a zipper...

HM7 Aquapod Jellyfish-Inspired Watch

Are you ready to let the tentacles of time ensnare your wrist? The HM7 Aquapod is luxury watchmaker MB&F's jellyfish-inspired wristwatch. What's so jellyfishy about this timepiece? Well...not much, unless you're willing...

Hypelev Levitating Sneaker Display Stand

$189.99 from Hypelev »

The Hypelev sneaker stand enables anyone - even you - to defy gravity with a pair of Air Jordans just like Michael. The only catch: you can't be wearing them...

Carpe Antiperspirant Hand, Foot, Boob & Pit Lotions

$14.95 - $19.99 from Amazon »

Oh boy, here comes the sweater! Better have a towel nearby if you're gonna shake his hand. And don't sit too close to him at lunch. And if lunch involves anything 1-star spicy or higher, say you're not hungry and just...