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Personalized Glowing Life Bar Pin

$30 from Etsy »

Let everyone know how you're faring this year with a Personalized Glowing Life Bar Pin. The horizontal health meters charge up in sunlight, and then glow neon green in the dark at your choice of Full Life, Mostly Alive...

Dicklicious Penis Lipstick

$7.99 from Amazon »

I've seen lipstick on a penis, but Dicklicious is my first encounter with penis on a lipstick. I mean, unless we're talking dog penis, which when exhibited in a certain state goes by the colloquial name, "red lipstick,"...

Vans UA Classic Slip-On Twist Sneakers

$80 from LN-CC »

These sneaks are Vans...with a twist. Sorry, it's been a long week. Vans UA Classic Slip-On Twist Sneakers dangled some low-hanging literary fruit in front of me, and I just grabbed it. Ate it right up. Toss the leftover...

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Mankini

$14.99 from Amazon »

Rudolph Mankini, reporting for sleigh-driving, eye-popping, nut-hugging duty! Christmas suit meets birthday suit in this jolly, Borat-approved (and sexy-time-ready!) men's thong. Ownership of the Rudolph Mankini means...

King Kong Hand Halloween Costume

$17.22 from Heaven Costumes »

It's too late to order the King Kong Hand Halloween costume for 2020 Halloween - especially since girl-gripping gorilla getup has to ship all the way from Australia. But for those who need a last-minute costume for a...

Elo - At-Home Hot Stone Spa Experience

$279 - $349 from Elo »

Elo + My Favorite Peelow = Me Lo...aded Up with an At-Home Hot Stone Spa Experience. Me lo...ving the feel of thermotherapy that doesn't cost $150 and hour. Me lo..athing the sound of my alarm buzzing me away from my...

KATANA Personal Safety Smartphone Wallet

$49.95 from Amazon »

See that notch on the KATANA personal safety smartphone wallet? And the tab the lady is pulling on to draw something out of the back of the cardholder? Guess what it is. Nope. Not a katana. Not a sword at all. It's a...

Reebok Ghostbusters Ghost Smashers Shoes

$150 from Reebok »

My wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power, is not a fan of Reebok's Ghostbusters Ghost Smashers Shoes. They contain a word in their titular description that P's her right O: "Men's." On the store page for the Ghostbusters collab...

Hormel Bacon-Scented Face Mask

#BreathableBacon and the Hormel bacon-scented face mask it refers to are, surprisingly, one of the least surprising hashtags and products of 2020. Honestly, the sexy (and elusive! More on that later.) Hormel Black Label...

Inflatable Jetpack Costume

$44.99 from Amazon »

The best part of the Jetpack Pick Me Up, an inflatable jetpack costume from Morph, is that it says "Acme Jetpack" on the side. Shout out to Looney Tunes!...

Meal Socks Box

$43.49 from Amazon »

Why do my burger & fries taste like cardboard? Actually, it's more like...poly-cotton yarn. Better wash it away with my beer - ugh! My beer tastes like sweaty feet! What is this, Heineken?...

9' Tall Inflatable Squid Halloween Costume

$54.95 from Amazon »

Looks...squid-shy. A 9' tall inflatable squid Halloween costume is going to make a lot of things about life difficult while you're wearing it. Dancing. Sitting down. Walking through doorways. Dude. Peeing or pooing. Better...

Sexy Mail-In Ballot Halloween Costume

$29.95 from Yandy »

Oh, don't tell me you weren't expecting a Sexy Mail-In Ballot Halloween Costume for 2020. You had to know, more than any other year in recent memory, this one was going to bring the cringers, eye rollers, and stomach...

Adidas Adilette Clogs

$45 from Adidas »

Adidas' Adilette Clogs are the quarantine baby you never knew you...never wanted...

Alpha Industries Apollo MA-1 Flight Jacket

$200 from Amazon »

One good way to let everyone know you were a NASA Apollo program astronaut is to wear an Alpha Industries Apollo MA-1 Flight Jacket. And if you weren't a NASA Apollo program astronaut? Well. Look at all the dudes who...

Tetra Soap - Slip-Free Bar Soap

$20 from Tetra Soap »

Tetra Soap is here to ruin the ol' drop a bar of slippery soap in the shower joke: this tetrapod-shaped sudser swears to be 100% slip-free when you use it...

Cryptic Nine Masquerade & Halloween Masks

$80 - $4,950 from Etsy »

Sparkles! Mystery! Pandemic protection! These stunning handmade face masks from Cryptic Nine take Halloween, masquerade parties, and responsible Covid behavior to luxurious new heights...

Groot Suit Cosplay & Halloween Costume

$3k from Etsy »

"I am Groot! I have his suit!" But this time, instead of sacrificing myself to save the Guardians of the Galaxy, I will die of financial ruin for what I just spent on my Halloween costume. No regrets, though, this handmade...

The Dad Hoodie

The Dad Hoodie. Guess it wouldn't have been a good marketing move to portmanteau those words for this men's zip-up with 6 internal pockets for stashing all Daddy's baby gear into...The Doodie. Nah, probably not...

Limited Edition The Mandalorian The Child 6-Pin Set

$42.89 from Amazon »

The Baby Yodas in Amazon's limited edition The Mandalorian The Child 6-Pin Set have something poking out besides their ears. No! You dirty minds! Metal skewers soldered to each of their backs, so you can flair up your...

Torpedo Pill Holder

$19.99 from Amazon »

Launch Vitamin D, CoQ10 & CBD missiles! For all your tough pills to swallow, here's the Torpedo Pill Holder, an even tougher container to carry them in. Made of aerospace aluminum, the projectile-shaped piece of EDC is...

Arnold Total Recall Face Mask

$12.99 from Etsy »

The Arnold Total Recall Face Mask: social distancing meets instant Halloween costume. Maybe wrap some painted paper towel tubes around the back of your head, and add aluminum foil caps to the ends that stick out past...

Morphsuits Infrared Camera Halloween Costume

$22.95 - $54.99 from Amazon »

All the colors of the rainbow, plus an optional wiener, unite in the Morphsuits Infrared Camera Halloween Costume. Morphsuits is a brand of the spandex full-body (and head!) skinsuits that have become popular in the costume...

SafeTee - T-Shirt with Built-In Face Mask

$25 - $35 from SafeTee »

The SafeTee is a T-Shirt with a built-in face mask that uses the comfort of a 100-year mainstay to help escort men, women, and especially kiddos heading to school into our New Normal...