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Baby Superhero Bib

By: on December 13, 2012
$12
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"Fool" is such a grand addition to the English language. Mr. T knew what was up. Apparently, bib-wearing babies do too. I knew they were smarter than they look. I bet in actuality they're like a tribe of wee geniuses hiding behind rolls of fat and alien faces, and when we're sleeping at night they convene to pump hallucinogens into our water supply that make us think they are helpless and need to be coddled and attached to ladies' boobies several times a day. Then they go out practicing interstellar diplomacy and maintaining the delicate balance of our universe, superhero-style. The most skilled advance beyond the Milky Way to the Cartwheel Galaxy of Babies or some such incomprehensibly faraway place that requires superlative brainpower and extra padding (rolls of fat) to reach. The underachievers are demoted to adulthood.

By the way, this somewhat funny bib, which reads, "These fools put my cape on backwards" (ah yes! Fools! That's how we got on to the truth about babies.) is made of heavyweight, 100% 2-ply cotton--must've taken a page out of Charmin's book--for optimal absorption of pureed carrots that a) miss their target and b) come back out of their target. An assortment of boy and girl colors are available for fools with tiny superheros in their lives.

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Baby Head Masks

$450 - $500 from Hyperflesh »

People who think babies are angelic and precious, I see your Gerber models, and raise you these three baby head masks. No, make that these three enormous, bulbous, horrifying, spawn-of-Chucky baby head masks. Landon Meier...

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Either the Baby Shusher shhhhhhh-ing machine is a Nobel Prize-caliber invention, or the baby in that video learned in the womb how to be an Oscar-caliber actor. Arrrgh, that sound, that wailing. I can't think of a noise...

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$149.99 from Japan Trend Shop »

First we saw the Japanese Shouting Vase, an ABS resin stress-reliever that mutes the wails of angry or frustrated souls who need to unleash their fury without disturbing the peace. Now the brilliant minds of Japan--perhaps...

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Ink, sperm and eggs go in, a financially secure future comes out. In vitro fertilization is expensive, and let's face it, so are babies. What better way to offset the costs, and maybe make a little extra (elbow-elbow)...

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Mission Critical Baby Carrier for Dads

Through September 13th, 2105, click here to enter Dude's Mission Critical Baby Carrier & Daypack giveaway. It's your chance to MOLLE up those diapers, bottles & 6-month-olds with a Baby Carrier and Carrier Daypack combo...

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Infant Circumcision Trainer

$192 from Amazon »

Expecting parents who want to trim the fat from ever-rising hospital bills now have the option to save over $2,000 if they are willing to trim the skin from their newborn sons. Created by Ezra Messer, a mohel with more...

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Baby Thug Onesie

$19.95 from Amazon »

"I just did 9 months on the inside...and now that I'm out, my mom is making me wear an orange onesie that, for some reason, encourages many who see me to double-bump a fist against their chest and flash me two fingers."...

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Skoda Man-Pram

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At the end of the day, you'll still be a dude pushing around a baby...or a pomeranian...in a stroller, but at least with Skoda's Man-Pram you can mow the fuck over anyone who gives you shit about it....

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Windi the Gaspasser Gas & Colic Reliever

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Windi the Gaspasser is one of those WTF products I as a childless dude saw and immediately thought was, in this order: a funny joke; a disgusting not-joke; a sad reality. You basically stick this little (un)plug in your...

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Self-Installing Car Seat

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The 4moms self-installing car seat may not be the most sparkly, fun, or pampering gift for new moms to unwrap this holiday season, but it could prove to be the greatest they've ever received. Paired with its watchdog...

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Wearable Diaper Bags for Dads

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A wearable diaper bag for dads may not sound like it wants to be less humiliating than the Daddle dad saddle for all you new papas out there, but I promise you subtlety is DadGear's primary focus with their baby-ready...

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Filthy Rich Cocktail Napkins

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Filthy Rich Cocktail Napkins are a speculative purchase. At printing they were available only for pre-order, so you're investing in the whimsical fun they'll bring to future BBQs, fried chicken dinners, and mondo Cheetos-eating...