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Dark Ride - Theme Park Cologne

By: on July 05, 2017
$64
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In explaining the motivation behind their Dark Ride, a cologne they describe as a scented mashup of Pirates of the Caribbean, Jurassic Park, Splash Mountain, and all of your favorite theme park water rides, fragrance house Xyrena says, "For years, perfume and theme park enthusiasts alike have searched for fragrances that accidentally smell similar to water rides." And I don't think they're joking.

Xryena launched in the summer of 2015 as a revolt against traditional colognes and perfumes. They create scents reflective of pop culture, cult classics, and millennial sensibilities - stuff that sounds like it came from either Bizarro World, April Fool's Day or, given their fragrances' higher-range price points, the Land of Hipster Pretension. Case in point: check out the "cinematic preview" video for Dark Ride above.

With top notes of chlorinated water mingling with theatrical fog and pyrotechnics, Dark Ride cologne might be equal parts odd and enticing, but unlike Play-Doh cologne spray, it seemingly aims to be a fragrance you'd purchase as more than just a gag gift. Admittedly, I haven't smelled it and so can't give an official Ugh, or Huh, Not Bad rating. But given that "atmospheric mildew and damp ozone" round out the cologne's subtle notes, I'm not sure Dark Ride is worth the investment to find out. Amusement park junkies and the water-ride-obsessed may feel differently.

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National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Village

$17.99 - $129.99 from Amazon »

You can go all out Clark Griswold and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on your holiday decorating this year without risking falling off the roof or running up a thousand-dollar electrical bill. Just make yourself...

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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AdrenaSuit - Bulletproof & Superpowered

The fit is hitting the shan. The adrenaline dam has busted, and your fight-or-flight response is sprinting at a world-record-setting pace. What does it look like? Are you stepping up? Freezing up? Freaking out? Peacing...

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KFC Internet Escape Pod

$10k from KFC Ltd. »

KFC says their Internet Escape Pod, featuring a fried chicken drumstick door handle and Stretch Armstrong Colonel Sanders passed out drunk and slung over the top, is meant to help you hide from the barrage of Cyber Monday...

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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Life-Size Exorcist Regan Doll

$3,995 from Etsy »

The only thing worse than a Monday is clicking on a link that brings you to a life-size replica doll of possessed Regan from The Exorcist. It just happened to me, and since misery loves company, here you go, dudes. I'm...

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Deadpool Christmas Tree Ornaments

$30.19 from Amazon »

These Deadpool Christmas tree ornaments will look right at home dangling alongside the Bob Ross Funko Pop figure classing up my mantle. 'Tis the season for happy little trees and Deadpool 2 trailers....

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The Emojibator (NSFW)

$29 from Emojibator »

"If you can't find a date, emojibate." Some of you will chuckle and others will cringe, but Emojibator creator Jaime Jandler feels all she did was bring an obvious joke to life. And good for her. A little elbow grease...

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Stranger Things Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle

$39.69 from Firebox.com »

This is an Eleven Bleeding Nose Candle. If you've seen stranger things - say, Taxidermy Animal Drones or Edible Anus Chocolates - it probably won't bother you. And if you've seen Stranger Things, you'll probably love it....

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Seabreacher Shark X Water Jet

$90k from Seabreacher »

Seabreacher water jets snugly seat two people with exceptional control over their stomachs and bowels for a nautical roller coaster ride of dives, breaches, spins, and respective surface and subsurface speeds of up to...

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Sure F**k Cologne

$24.75 from Amazon »

Sure Fuck Cologne is a self-described "cool fresh manly scent that thrusts women into a crazy hot SEXUAL FRENZY!" Whoa. That's specific. They even put "sexual frenzy" in all caps like it is when I think it over and over...

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Stranger Fillings: A Parody Cookbook

$14.19 from Amazon »

Stranger Fillings: A Parody Cookbook continues the cookbook trend started by recipe collections like Baking Bad and The Snacking Dead. Released during the lead-up to Stranger Things' second season, the spoof provides...