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Dark Ride - Theme Park Cologne

By: on July 05, 2017
$64
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In explaining the motivation behind their Dark Ride, a cologne they describe as a scented mashup of Pirates of the Caribbean, Jurassic Park, Splash Mountain, and all of your favorite theme park water rides, fragrance house Xyrena says, "For years, perfume and theme park enthusiasts alike have searched for fragrances that accidentally smell similar to water rides." And I don't think they're joking.

Xryena launched in the summer of 2015 as a revolt against traditional colognes and perfumes. They create scents reflective of pop culture, cult classics, and millennial sensibilities - stuff that sounds like it came from either Bizarro World, April Fool's Day or, given their fragrances' higher-range price points, the Land of Hipster Pretension. Case in point: check out the "cinematic preview" video for Dark Ride above.

With top notes of chlorinated water mingling with theatrical fog and pyrotechnics, Dark Ride cologne might be equal parts odd and enticing, but unlike Play-Doh cologne spray, it seemingly aims to be a fragrance you'd purchase as more than just a gag gift. Admittedly, I haven't smelled it and so can't give an official Ugh, or Huh, Not Bad rating. But given that "atmospheric mildew and damp ozone" round out the cologne's subtle notes, I'm not sure Dark Ride is worth the investment to find out. Amusement park junkies and the water-ride-obsessed may feel differently.

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Life-Size Exorcist Regan Doll

$3,995 from Etsy »

The only thing worse than a Monday is clicking on a link that brings you to a life-size replica doll of possessed Regan from The Exorcist. It just happened to me, and since misery loves company, here you go, dudes. I'm...

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Madballs Foam Balls

$10.90 - $13.90 from Amazon »

Weeee! Madballs are back. Just in time for Halloween and the 867th time this year I've wished so hard I could go back to the simpler days of my childhood in the 80s....

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AdrenaSuit - Bulletproof & Superpowered

The fit is hitting the shan. The adrenaline dam has busted, and your fight-or-flight response is sprinting at a world-record-setting pace. What does it look like? Are you stepping up? Freezing up? Freaking out? Peacing...

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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Breaking Bad RV Incense Burner

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

Ah, the Breaking Bad RV Incense Burner. [Cue nostalgia.] Reminds me just how much I miss the Krystal Ship. I can't believe it's been 4 years since Heisenberg & Pinkman cooked their last batch. I hope things turn out better...

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Whiskey River Sarcastic Soaps

$8.95 from Whiskey River »

Whiskey River Soaps are like modern-day Shakespearean comedies. Insightful in reading people. Precise in their social commentary. Charming and funny. And, to complement our 21st century needs, not tl;dr, and serving more...

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A Die Hard Christmas

$15.29 from Amazon »

Yippee Ki Yay! A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is going to be on every kid's man's gift list this year. (Kids probably won't want it. They'll think the John McClane brand of killing and violence...

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The Emojibator (NSFW)

$29 from Emojibator »

"If you can't find a date, emojibate." Some of you will chuckle and others will cringe, but Emojibator creator Jaime Jandler feels all she did was bring an obvious joke to life. And good for her. A little elbow grease...

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Seabreacher Shark X Water Jet

$90k from Seabreacher »

Seabreacher water jets snugly seat two people with exceptional control over their stomachs and bowels for a nautical roller coaster ride of dives, breaches, spins, and respective surface and subsurface speeds of up to...

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Sure F**k Cologne

$24.75 from Amazon »

Sure Fuck Cologne is a self-described "cool fresh manly scent that thrusts women into a crazy hot SEXUAL FRENZY!" Whoa. That's specific. They even put "sexual frenzy" in all caps like it is when I think it over and over...

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Bird of Prey Bicycle

$4,200 from Bird of Prey »

I didn't think the foam helmets and seizure-inducing neon spandex could look any more ridiculous rolling down the road, yelling at cars to get out of their lane, and then cutting into traffic at will when it suits them...