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Dark Ride - Theme Park Cologne

By: on July 05, 2017
$64
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In explaining the motivation behind their Dark Ride, a cologne they describe as a scented mashup of Pirates of the Caribbean, Jurassic Park, Splash Mountain, and all of your favorite theme park water rides, fragrance house Xyrena says, "For years, perfume and theme park enthusiasts alike have searched for fragrances that accidentally smell similar to water rides." And I don't think they're joking.

Xryena launched in the summer of 2015 as a revolt against traditional colognes and perfumes. They create scents reflective of pop culture, cult classics, and millennial sensibilities - stuff that sounds like it came from either Bizarro World, April Fool's Day or, given their fragrances' higher-range price points, the Land of Hipster Pretension. Case in point: check out the "cinematic preview" video for Dark Ride above.

With top notes of chlorinated water mingling with theatrical fog and pyrotechnics, Dark Ride cologne might be equal parts odd and enticing, but unlike Play-Doh cologne spray, it seemingly aims to be a fragrance you'd purchase as more than just a gag gift. Admittedly, I haven't smelled it and so can't give an official Ugh, or Huh, Not Bad rating. But given that "atmospheric mildew and damp ozone" round out the cologne's subtle notes, I'm not sure Dark Ride is worth the investment to find out. Amusement park junkies and the water-ride-obsessed may feel differently.

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Wobbling Willy - Your Face on a Dildo (NSFW)

Dudes, check out the Wobbling Willy's practical application for all those selfies you've been taking. Your face on a dildo. A way, way sexier (and more functional!) gift for your girlfriend than that framed dick pic you...

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Chucky Bath Bomb

I know this Chucky Bath Bomb looks spherical, but take caution while using it. I can almost guarantee you there are some pointy edges hiding in there somewhere....

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AdrenaSuit - Bulletproof & Superpowered

The fit is hitting the shan. The adrenaline dam has busted, and your fight-or-flight response is sprinting at a world-record-setting pace. What does it look like? Are you stepping up? Freezing up? Freaking out? Peacing...

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Fat Boys Blob Water Launch Pad

$3,500 from Fat Boys »

You don't need to be a fat boy, or even a boy, to assume the position of Launcher or Launchee on the Fat Boys Blob. All you need is a craving for a rush of adrenaline and a fearlessness in the face of heights....

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Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

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The Emojibator (NSFW)

$29 from Emojibator »

"If you can't find a date, emojibate." Some of you will chuckle and others will cringe, but Emojibator creator Jaime Jandler feels all she did was bring an obvious joke to life. And good for her. A little elbow grease...

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Flexing Arnold Rear Window Wiper Decal

$29.99 from House of Grafix »

It may take the sun to bring your guns out, but Schwarzenegger's here to flex his bad boys come dumping rain, sideways sleet, or blizzard of snow. Courtesy of House of Grafix, you can plaster Arnold in His Prime across...

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Bob Ross Funko Pop Figure

$17.79 from Amazon »

Funko has decided to turn Bob Ross into one of their Pop! figures. Finally, Ross! You had to wait 22 years after your death to receive this honor, but, as it does when painting happy little clouds and trees, patience...

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Bird of Prey Bicycle

$4,200 from Bird of Prey »

I didn't think the foam helmets and seizure-inducing neon spandex could look any more ridiculous rolling down the road, yelling at cars to get out of their lane, and then cutting into traffic at will when it suits them...

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Seabreacher Shark X Water Jet

$90k from Seabreacher »

Seabreacher water jets snugly seat two people with exceptional control over their stomachs and bowels for a nautical roller coaster ride of dives, breaches, spins, and respective surface and subsurface speeds of up to...

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Sure F**k Cologne

$24.75 from Amazon »

Sure Fuck Cologne is a self-described "cool fresh manly scent that thrusts women into a crazy hot SEXUAL FRENZY!" Whoa. That's specific. They even put "sexual frenzy" in all caps like it is when I think it over and over...

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The World's Longest Tunnel Slide

$15 - $22 from ArcelorMittal Orbit »

Virtual reality may be a rising star, but the ArcelorMittal Orbit is going all-out, balls-to-the-wall IRL this summer with its curving, spiraling, plummeting tunnel slide. Dubbed simply "The Slide," this 584-foot-long...