Clothing

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Grizzly Bear Underwear

$32.79 from Firebox.com »

I know grizzly bears are meant to connote fortitude, ferocity, and...bigness...in a reverential way, but, uh, I'm pretty sure these grizzly bear underwear are intended only for dudes who don't want blowjobs. They could...

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Elf Sweater

$64.95 from Amazon »

At first I was like, This is the ugliest ugly Christmas sweater I've ever seen. It is so ugly it's not even ironic, it's just ugly. Then my (newly single!) friend Cornelius reminded me it looks like Will Ferrell as Buddy...

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Animated Ugly Christmas Sweaters

$54.95 - $64.95 from Amazon »

I see your ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater, and raise you an ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater with animated eyes bouncing lecherously to and fro as if he were watching a naked lady elf tossing relay and entreating...

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Frosty the Nose Thief Sweater

$64.95 from Amazon »

Oh I see what Frosty did there. He stole that other snowman's nose. And put it on his crotch. So now he has a carrot schnoz and a carrot ding dong. I bet the other snowman is actually a snowlady. Yeah, now it all makes...

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Voltron Hoodie

$160 from 80stees.com »

By the power of Greyskull! No, wait, that's not it. It's Morphin time! Uh...getting closer, but...no. Hold on...ah, here we go. These robotic lion fangs were impeding the movement of my cerebral neurons. Activate interlock!...

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Star Trek: The Next Generation Hoodies

$59.99 from ThinkGeek »

They may be only moderately reminiscent of the uniforms Picard & Co. wore in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but definitely these hoodies will be more comfortable, breathable, and sported acceptably by all shapes and...

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Shreddies Fart-Filtering Underwear

$38 - $70 from Shreddies »

Leave it to the Brits to class up farts and poots. And also to create a solution that spares those who didn't just drop a silent stink bomb from inhaling the fumes released by the one who did. Shreddies is a line of men's...

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Ledge Stretchy, Stainproof Pants

Discontinued

While my immediate concern upon spilling an entire cup of coffee on my crotch is searing the hair off my balls and neutralizing my baby-making potential, once I stop screaming and have received a pudding pop to console...

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Mogwai Swimsuit

Gizmo on a swimsuit? What fool thought that was a good idea? It's the one article of clothing whose expressed purpose in life is to bask in the sunlight and get wet. Mogwais can't be exposed to bright light. And MOGWAIS...

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Muscle-Enhancing Shirt

$48.50 from FunkyBod »

Money can squeeze the fat in, and now money can carve the muscle out. Which means there are exactly 0 reasons left for me to exercise. What? Avoiding heart disease and diabetes? Psshhh! Preventable, life-threatening afflictions...

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Ghostbusters Venkman Jacket

$69.99 - $72.99 from Amazon »

It's not quite as cool as toting a real Proton pack, and infinitely less cool than being the real Peter Venkman, but this Ghostbusters printed Venkman jacket is still better than a tan Russell Athletic zip-up from Target...

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Catzilla Sweatshirt

Sold Out from Amazon »

The Catzilla sweatshirt's manufacturer got me all hyped naming their bitchin' piece of runway domination the "Catzilla sweatshirt," but then pulled a Ben Stiller movie and stunk it up on the garment's description: "Sweatshirt...

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The Shield - Tech Jacket with ID Protection

$99 - $249 from Avid Union »

Maker Enthousis says their Shield Tech jacket (and hoodie) line has superpowers. And I'm not even going to call BS on that claim. Anymore, any piece of equipment--or in this case, wearable textile--able to save my identity...

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Iron Man Hoodie

Discontinued

This Iron Man crime-fighting-armor-turned-loungewear combines the Avenger's Mark VII and Mark VIII suits. Its chest and shoulders draw from the former, while the elbows and abdomen take after the latter. Awww, it's like...

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Apollo MA-1 Flight Jacket

Sold Out from Amazon »

To my friend Cornelius, who failed to grow up to be an astronaut, awww, better luck next life dude. Cheer up, though. Thanks to the marvels of modern consumerism and mass production, you can have an authentic-looking...

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R2D2 Tank Top

$22.95 - $27.95 from Amazon »

If you can't afford to be a stormtrooper in latex, how about an R2D2 in body-hugging cotton blend? This tunic-length tank top is very classy stuff, ladies. Very classy. I say that not only as a man who would be honored...

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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First Contact Sucks Leggings

They call the leggings First Contact Sucks because some are of the opinion that Meeting other intelligent life forms for the first time could probably have gone a little better. What, better than KRA-KOOOOM!? But I love...

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Butt Reveal Underwear

Did you really think the people who brought you Jean Shorts Underwear couldn't trump themselves? Japan Trend Shop's Shiridashi Butt Reveal Underwear appear to be 3 baffling things:...

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Mass Effect Clothing

$78 - $92 from Black Milk Clothing »

I know many of you are thinking it, so I'm just gonna put it on paper: the mass effect of Black Milk's Mass Effect body-hugging clothing collection is to effectively give every male fan of the video game series a massive...

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Star Wars Adult Onesies

$64.45 from Amazon »

Star Wars onesies for adults are what's called being comfortably chic on Halloween, and F'ing awesome the other 364 days of the year. Boba Fett, R2-D2, a stormtrooper, and the grandaddy of being the worst daddy of all...

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OMsignal Biometric Apparel

Here's a neat product for people who like to nettle and bore friends and strangers to the edge of death with news of their ailments, injuries, stress levels, and overall health. You want to converse about your state of...

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Legend of Zelda Link Hoodie

Discontinued

Link's Hylian Shield meets Link's Master Sword meets the touch, the feel of cotton, the fabric of our life. Geeky U has created a means of battling Ganon and rescuing Princess Zelda in comfort with the shop's Legend of...

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Wet/Dry Magic Pattern Shorts

Designed to be worn for any casual summertime activity, Lacrosse Playground's Convertible Shorts appear to be a normal pair of tea partaying men's fashion. When dry. But knock their wearer in the pool right after he comments...

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I Watch You T-Shirt

$25.99 from Skreened »

Happy harsh dose of 4th of July reality! Aw come on, it's not so bad that Uncle Sam sees America celebrating its independence by launching bottle rockets out of beer bottles and butt cracks. We fought hard for this freedom...

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Rocky Balboa American Flag Boxing Shorts

$17.95 from Amazon »

Nothing says, "Happy Birthday, USA!" like a form-fitting pair of stars 'n' stripes shorts and an American boxing the shit out of a Russian in his own country. These officially licensed Balboa shorts hit--powerfully jab...

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Back Massage T-Shirts

$22 - $24 from Etsy »

The medium is the massage, and the massage is a T-Shirt. A T-Shirt with a railroad play mat and accompanying locomotive, baby! And baby daddies! Becky of bkykid must be the envy of all moms who fancy themselves clever...

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Microsuede CleanSquare Oxford

$98 from Voy Voy »

Voy Voy's first shirt venture, conducted through Kickstarter, is of the T persuasion, and has the interesting flourish of a built-in pocket square that can either hold a wallet or phone, or invert to a peacockish display...

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Vault 101 Hoodie

$58 from Bethesda »

Mmm, I smell a Cake Bake-Off coming on. Residents of Vault 101 take note: I will accept submissions of the sponge variety only this year. A fleece zip-up nod to the Fallout series, Bethesda's Vault 101 hoodie is passable...

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Star Wars R2-D2 Bra

Discontinued

Noooooo! As if there weren't enough things in this world to make me horny! Now R2-D2 is getting in on the tent pitching action? Etsy vendor Sceene Shoes, also of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bra fame, shares some Star...

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Star Wars X Wing Pilot Jacket

Sold Out from Amazon »

Mark Ecko is doing everything he can to make Star Wars a leading name in high fashion. I just wish the items were priced in accordance with the bank accounts of Star Wars fans rather than those of Star Wars actors and...

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Stash Waterproof Pocket Shorts

Discontinued

Sometimes people do stupid shit, such as get extremely drunk and ornery on the 4th of July and refuse to respond to reason and jump off the deck of a Carver 54 motor yacht...twice...without taking their brand new iPhones...

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MyPakage Keyhole Comfort Underwear

$24.99 - $30.99 from Amazon »

While a keyhole connotes something very small into which one inserts something else very small...and then, uh, forcefully twists it 360 degrees clockwise or counterclockwise...I assure you that MyPakage underwear's KeyHole...

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Latex Bat Underwear

$80 from Etsy »

Warning: Abigail Greydanus' latex bat underwear are slightly NSFW. Probably both in terms of viewing enlarged photos of them, and physically wearing them at the office, as my experience with latex is that it is the textile...

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Cheat Feet Socks

Discontinued

Woodpecker Laboratories is kind of like a cool, former-hippie uncle that gives great advice and provides invaluable tools for maneuvering oneself through life. First they came out with this friendly reminder decal that...

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Laser Space Cats Leggings

$58.95 from Lovelysally »

Laser Cats has finally made the leap from SNL short to Italian women's fashion. Sans copyright infringement given that these leggings' cats shoot lasers from their eyes instead of their mouths, and appear to be permanently...

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Wool & Prince Hardly-Ever-Wash-Me Shirt

$128 from Wool & Prince »

Do you know how many men in the Pacific Northwest are going to go apeshit when they find out about a wool shirt that will stay wrinkle- and odor-free for 100 days straight...without washing, ironing, or dry cleaning it?...

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Cuts of Meat Dress

$62 from Etsy »

I love beef, and I love girls, but somehow the combination of the two doesn't work so well for me. The cuts of meat diagram on this dress carries implications of objectifying women and also cannibalism, and that is so...

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The Giant Omnibus of Superpowers T-Shirt

Pop Chart Lab asserts that The Giant Omnibus of Superpowers T-shirt constitutes the most extensive charting of superpowers in the universe. Easy enough to say within the safe confines of Earth, but I have to wonder if...

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Hairy Chest Sweater

$61.34 from Firebox.com »

What sucks is that you're either blessed with a dense thatch of chest hair or you're not. There's no cultivating it, no sprinkling of fertilizer that will encourage it to grow. The only legitimate option for those bereft...

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AT-AT Dress

Whenever someone compliments a girl's article of clothing, as in, "That's a nice dress," my friend Kristen always pipes up, "Is it the dress or the girl in the dress?" Touche, Kristen. Typically it is the girl in the...

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Gluttony Pants

$100 from Beta Brand »

I'm fine with unbuttoning my pants pursuant to acts of gluttony. Way more fine than I am with wearing elastic-waisted jeans, anyway. Dad. But this alternative, this pair of expandable pants designed with human garbage...

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Decorated Nerd T-Shirt

$18.95 from SplitReason »

The most highly decorated members of the Nerd Herd sport 10 official, cartoonish-looking, 2D medals representing the pinnacle of their march through contemporary society. A society rife with retro-Nintendo enthusiasm...

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Bat Hoodie

Discontinued

The Bat Hoodie is what Batman's suit would look like if it were made of 100% cotton and sported a zip front for quick and easy entry. It's what Dark Knights wear when they want to fight evil in comfort and not smell like...

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Jean Shorts Underwear

Nothing I could say would contribute any more to your perception of these jean shorts underwear than the pictured model with the girly figure and manly package. From that you can take away: 1) They're denim boxer briefs...

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Reversible Smoking Jackets

$225 from Beta Brand »

I don't usually smoke, but when I do, I also like to dress up like a Red Dragon, wear a monocle--in both eyes--and sip whiskey out of my Swig & Puff Flask. I also like when the dragon costume is subtle enough to wear...

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Built-in Pocket Square T-Shirt

$24 - $39 from Voy Voy »

This yuppy East Coast trend baffles me. But VoyVoy built-in pocket square T-shirts constitute one I could support without feeling like a pretentious tool. Because unlike numerous layered Polos with their collars up, pocket...

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Middle Earth Map Leggings

$12.99 from Amazon »

Control Middle-earth--and likely all male Elves, Wizards, Orcs, Dragons, Dwarves, Ents, and Hobbits--for under $100. You don't even have to enter into battle or acquire Rings of Power. Leave it to Black Milk Clothing...