Clothing

Latex Bat Underwear

$80 from Etsy »

Warning: Abigail Greydanus' latex bat underwear are slightly NSFW. Probably both in terms of viewing enlarged photos of them, and physically wearing them at the office, as my experience with latex is that it is the textile...

Cheat Feet Socks

Discontinued

Woodpecker Laboratories is kind of like a cool, former-hippie uncle that gives great advice and provides invaluable tools for maneuvering oneself through life. First they came out with this friendly reminder decal that...

Laser Space Cats Leggings

$58.95 from Lovelysally »

Laser Cats has finally made the leap from SNL short to Italian women's fashion. Sans copyright infringement given that these leggings' cats shoot lasers from their eyes instead of their mouths, and appear to be permanently...

Wool & Prince Hardly-Ever-Wash-Me Shirt

$128 from Wool & Prince »

Do you know how many men in the Pacific Northwest are going to go apeshit when they find out about a wool shirt that will stay wrinkle- and odor-free for 100 days straight...without washing, ironing, or dry cleaning it?...

Cuts of Meat Dress

$62 from Etsy »

I love beef, and I love girls, but somehow the combination of the two doesn't work so well for me. The cuts of meat diagram on this dress carries implications of objectifying women and also cannibalism, and that is so...

The Giant Omnibus of Superpowers T-Shirt

Pop Chart Lab asserts that The Giant Omnibus of Superpowers T-shirt constitutes the most extensive charting of superpowers in the universe. Easy enough to say within the safe confines of Earth, but I have to wonder if...

Hairy Chest Sweater

$61.34 from Firebox.com »

What sucks is that you're either blessed with a dense thatch of chest hair or you're not. There's no cultivating it, no sprinkling of fertilizer that will encourage it to grow. The only legitimate option for those bereft...

AT-AT Dress

Whenever someone compliments a girl's article of clothing, as in, "That's a nice dress," my friend Kristen always pipes up, "Is it the dress or the girl in the dress?" Touche, Kristen. Typically it is the girl in the...

Gluttony Pants

$100 from Beta Brand »

I'm fine with unbuttoning my pants pursuant to acts of gluttony. Way more fine than I am with wearing elastic-waisted jeans, anyway. Dad. But this alternative, this pair of expandable pants designed with human garbage...

Decorated Nerd T-Shirt

$18.95 from SplitReason »

The most highly decorated members of the Nerd Herd sport 10 official, cartoonish-looking, 2D medals representing the pinnacle of their march through contemporary society. A society rife with retro-Nintendo enthusiasm...

Bat Hoodie

$69 from Etsy »

The Bat Hoodie is what Batman's suit would look like if it were made of 100% cotton and sported a zip front for quick and easy entry. It's what Dark Knights wear when they want to fight evil in comfort and not smell like...

Jean Shorts Underwear

Nothing I could say would contribute any more to your perception of these jean shorts underwear than the pictured model with the girly figure and manly package. From that you can take away: 1) They're denim boxer briefs...

Reversible Smoking Jackets

$225 from Beta Brand »

I don't usually smoke, but when I do, I also like to dress up like a Red Dragon, wear a monocle--in both eyes--and sip whiskey out of my Swig & Puff Flask. I also like when the dragon costume is subtle enough to wear...

Built-in Pocket Square T-Shirt

$24 - $39 from Voy Voy »

This yuppy East Coast trend baffles me. But VoyVoy built-in pocket square T-shirts constitute one I could support without feeling like a pretentious tool. Because unlike numerous layered Polos with their collars up, pocket...

Middle Earth Map Leggings

$10.30 from Amazon »

Control Middle-earth--and likely all male Elves, Wizards, Orcs, Dragons, Dwarves, Ents, and Hobbits--for under $100. You don't even have to enter into battle or acquire Rings of Power. Leave it to Black Milk Clothing...

P.E. Is Not the Olympics Shirts

$27.99 - $29.99 from Skreened »

It was between the "Calm down bro. It's P.E. not the Olympics" shirt and the "I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I'm hilarious" shirt. I went with the first one because I figure the second really only...

Drinkmaster Hoodie

$59.99 from Zane Lamprey »

Unlike braces and Yoda, the Drinkmaster Hoodie checks in as both useful and good-looking. A sleek black fleece zip-up with a bevy of booze-specific pockets and effects, the Drinkmaster is the hardcore partier's ultimate...

Nanotech Storm Suit

$499 - $629 from Indochino »

Style. Connectivity. Protection from hypothermia. When 21st century power players dress to impress, kill, or otherwise command the respect of their minions, they wear Indochino's Nanotech Storm Suit. Disclaimer: If you...

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Stealth Wear - Counter Surveillance Clothing

Privacy crusader Adam Harvey builds off of his last experiment with fashion as a means of confidentiality, CV Dazzle, with a new line of counter surveillance clothing termed Stealth Wear. While the CV Dazzle system focused...

Yoda Hoodie

Sold Out from Etsy »

Hand-sewn Yoda heads atop plush tan sweatshirts we will wear. Those of us who carry the Force will anyway. And with the Yoda Hoodies' slouchy front pockets, we'll even have a place to stuff it for safekeeping. Erin Maynard...

NYC Subway Tights

$44 from Nylon Journal »

NYC Subway Map Tights address two male quandaries. 1) Being lost on the streets of New York and not wanting to ask for directions. 2) Coming up with something non-douchebaggy to say after getting caught staring at a smokin'...

The Pizza Shirt

$39.99 from Pizza Shirt »

In the spirit of the World's Tackiest Sweaters, but with short sleeves, cheese, and pepperoni*. Somehow the Pizza Shirt falls both into the categories of Insults to the Concept of Clothing and Must-Have Additions to My...

Ninja Flip T-Shirt

$16.99 - $20.99 from Amazon »

Carrying around this secret identity won't create an awkward bulge at your waistline, or require you to wear an underlayer of skin-suctioning red and blue Spandex. Crazy Dog T-Shirts' flipover Ninja tee has the masked...

Star Wars Comics Dress

$89.99 from Etsy »

Aaahhh! Sensory overload! Star Wars, comic books, low cut, short skirt, hot girl...too many pleasing stimuli for my sensitive male ecosystem to process. Now this is a New Year's Eve dress if I've ever seen one....

Reversible Chewbacca Hoodie

Sold Out from Amazon »

It may not be the skin covering a Yoda head rejected from use in the original Star Wars, but at least Marc Ecko's reversible Chewbacca hoodie is a bodily covering that's a little easier to come by....

Yay Cleavage T-Shirt

$19 from Raygun »

I tried to crop out the part of the Yay Cleavage T-Shirt photo that shows the boobily blessed lady wearing it is pregnant, but I think you can still kind of tell. Sorry. I guess the V-neck may technically be intended...

Roland TR-909 Swimsuit

$98 from Etsy »

Using the Roland TR-909 Rhythm Composer as their inspiration, The Puss Puss puts puts (gotta love the low-hanging fruit) its own spin on musically-themed swimwear with the PP-909 ladies' swimsuit. Knob, key, and button...

Lace Skull & Crossbones Pants

Sold Out from Amazon »

Plea to All Women: I implore you to buy these pants. And wear them in my presence. White, lace, skulls. They're the trifecta of my fantasies. Throw in flowing, partially see-through, and looking to be very soft, and I...

Harvard Law...Just Kidding Sweatshirt

$34.99 - $37.99 from Amazon »

I've been looking for the perfect Christmas gift to give my crestfallen cousin, who just received his rejection letter from Harvard Law. I hate my cousin. He's an insolent little twat. I was going to anonymously send...

World's Tackiest Sweaters

Flagrant foul. No words can describe these hideously tacky sweaters. Well, that's not quite true. These words can describe them: Skittles; cheeseburger; condoms; french fries; gummy worms; popcorn; palm trees; wafts of...

Electric Hoodies

$90 from Electric MVMT »

Hammer, your time is over. Your replacement: electroluminescent rope. Henceforth, when I want cessation of all movement for the announcement of a thematic activity in which all are expected to participate, I'll be shouting...

Griz Coat

$249 - $299 from Griz Coat »

I just named a bear one of my Top 10 choices for animal reincarnation, and now, as if in answer to my plea to the forces of nature, the Griz Coat is back. In time for winter. In time for the holidays. In time for looking...

Personalized Suit Lining

$320 - $960 from A Suit That Fits »

Load your lining. British tailor A Suit That Fits makes custom suits for clients that now include the option of uploading a photo or image to be printed on the jacket's lining. Though this probably won't look very remarkable...

Zip-Up Snow Goggle Coats

Discontinued

Looking like a bank robber or a rejected design for a Star Wars Stormtrooper has never been easier with Ai Riders on the Storm's hi-tech winter coats. Cutting onions in an igloo toasty and tear-free is now possible too!...

Star Wars Spandex

$123 - $134 from Black Milk Clothing »

I have always felt that Star Wars could use more of two things: skin and spandex. Princess Leia bikinis notwithstanding, I'm sure you agree. Right? Well, ever present to charge forth and fill a gap that never really existed...

Skeleton Maternity Shirt

$29.99 from Etsy »

Had I an oven in which to grow a bun, definitely a Skeleton Baby T-Shirt would be my preferred method of announcing it to the world. I wonder if wearing it would deter the nosy old hens who feel up preggo women's bellies...

Lazer Shirt

$24.95 from Lazer Shirts »

DIY trippiness. The Lazer Shirt allows wearers--and people wearers are comfortable having up in their business--to use a laser point to create complex artistic masterpieces or, more likely, squiggly lines and curves across...

Assassin's Creed Kenway Jacket

Sold Out from Amazon »

Maker Volante Design calls this Assassin's Creed fashion statement the Kenway Jacket, and includes a lot of nonsense about how it is available with two closure options to make it either symmetrical or asymmetrical, but...

Reindeer Threesome Sweater

$59.99 from Amazon »

It's a highly inappropriate Rudolph sandwich, wherein Rudolph proves that he can both dish it out and take it. The Reindeer Threesome Sweater is to make your holidays, and particularly your impending Ugly Christmas Sweater...

Anatomical Swimsuit

It's what's on the inside that counts. Particularly when the inside is maybe even hotter than the outside. Black Milk Clothing follows up their freakishly alluring Anatomical Leggings with this similarly traffic-stopping...

Bloody Chainsaw Dress

Discontinued

If you'll excuse me I'm just going to reach into my pocket...and fire up my bloody chainsaw! Yeah, it's made of a fine cotton blend. So? From Ewok/Chewbacca combo costumes, to Psycho Suzy Homemaker, Etsy seamstress Crissy...

Charlie Brown Cashmere Sweater

$995 from Mr Porter »

Who'd have thought Charlie Brown had such expensive tastes? Particularly when Lucy continuously grass stains up his shirts with her football shenanigans. But for all you Charlie Brown high rollers out there who want to...

Medieval Knight Hoodie

$228 from Etsy »

See, chivalry isn't dead. It's just been co-opted by the hoodie-wearing hipster crowd. This Medieval Knight Hoodie drips of irony akin to permutations of the mustache, and trending fads akin to bacon two years ago. Thanks...

Beer Pouch Sweatshirt

$29.99 from Vat 19 »

Will you please hold my beer while I check my phone for the precise margin by which I am dominating my fantasy football league? Yeah, I'm talking to my sweatshirt. My mom said it never hurts to be polite. The Beer Pouch...

3 Hippopoticorn Moon T-Shirt

Discontinued

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas...no, wait. I come from a generation of spoiled, entitled, self-righteous narcissists. I can do better than that. I want three hippopotamuses. And I want them to have pearly white...

Nickelodeon Double Dare T-Shirt

$16.95 from MyPartyShirt.com »

You know, Marc Summers, I think I'll take the physical challenge. Wait, as long as it's not Messy Basket Balloons. I am not comfortable with balls flying at my head and then unleashing liquid explosions upon impact. Being...

Glow-in-the-Dark Galaxy Underwear

$14.40 from Etsy »

If you liked Black Milk Clothing's Galaxy Purple Leggings, take a gander at Portland, Oregon-based Make It Good's Glow-in-the-Dark Galaxy Underwear. Available in both women's bikini cuts and men's boxer briefs the black...

Sriracha Boxer Briefs

$18.99 from The Oatmeal Shop »

For those who claim to put Sriracha on everything, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. Introduce the rooster to the family jewels. Acquaint your two favorite hot cocks. Sriracha Boxer Briefs burn along backsides...