Clothing

Like a Good Neighbor Social Distancing T-Shirt

Sold Out from Amazon »

Like a good neighbor, stay over there. You can get it as a social distancing T-shirt. A social distancing coffee mug. A social distancing doormat. And that's not all, because it's official: the COVID-19 merch is here!...

Your Girl Hugging Your Crotch Boxer Briefs

$19.59 from Amazon »

Not much to add to these boxer briefs. Oh, except for a picture of your girl - girlfriend, wife, crush, black-hearted ex Karen - strategically placed at the crotchal region so as to look like she's hugging your cock...

Fireproof, Waterproof, Windproof 100 Year Hoodie

$495 from Vollebak »

Version 3 of Vollebak's 100 Year Hoodie is like the Anti-Captain Planet of outerwear. It repels wind, rain, snow, and now, fire. Earth is still missing though. Maybe they'll build version 4 to emit a force field against...

Mohair Pants

$184.80 - $375.38 from Etsy »

Need some mo' hair down there? Feel all warm 'n' fuzzy on the inside and the out with SuperTanya's hand-knit mohair pants. The mohair knitwear is funky-chic on the eyes and either: a) soft as a pussywillow; or b) itchy...

Softies Ultra Soft Snuggle Lounger

$94 from Amazon »

Is it the Softies Snuggle Lounger that makes me want to cuddle up and bury my hands and face in that seat of buttery velvet, or is it the girl in the Softies Snuggle Lounger? It's both, dudes. It is absolutely both. And...

UFO Raincoat

$4.19 - $14.97 from Amazon »

Bow down to the grandma rockin' the UFO Raincoat. What an honor it must be to have been selected to model this hot piece of haute couture. And the designer of the inclement-weather-thwarting flying saucer! Please tell...

Men's Half Thong (NSFW)

$0.01 from Amazon »

Never mind all the male bush and taint action going on in these Men's Half Thong photos, what I really want to know is: how the half thong does a dude wear a half thong? How does it stay on? Is there an adhesive involved?...

Baby Yoda Baby on Board Windshield Decal

$10 from Amazon »

On board, Baby Yoda is. And while the Baby Yoda drawn in this clever take on the Baby on Board windshield decals is nowhere near as adorable as The Mandalorian's actual Baby Yoda, I still appreciate the reference, and...

Women's Lace Kimono Robe

$17.79 from Amazon »

A little bit of kimono for the lady wearing this sexy lace robe, a lot of kimoano for the dude who sees her in it. These Kimono Robes stimulate, seduce, and bring up the boners, but with flowing butterfly sleeves and...

FridaBalls New Dad Boxers with Cup for Baby Cheap Shots

$27.99 from Amazon »

Because no one want to feel the baby kick after it's born. FridaBalls are boxer briefs for new dads, or existing but amateur dads, who haven't learned to dodge the flying limbs and wiffle ball bats of their babies, toddlers...

Wearable Blanket

$22.99 - $38.99 from Amazon »

Now this is the wearable of the season. I'd take a wearable blanket - hoodie style! - over pretty much any other wearable tech nonsense they've got going on right now...

Ranch Dressing Ugly Christmas Sweater

Once upon a time, Hidden deep in the Valley of ugly Christmas sweaters, there lived a bottle of Ranch Dressing. So sad was the Ranch that while the likes of Santa and the Elves, Frosty and Rudolph, and even Bill & Ted...

Thanksgiving Dinner Nutrition Label T-Shirts

$22.95 from Etsy »

Buzzkill alert! Boots Tees is selling Thanksgiving dinner nutrition label T-shirts, tops advertising the calorie, fat, and carb contents of popular turkey day foods. Choose from over 2 dozen different dishes, and become...

Hand Knit Adult Onesies

$304.84 - $937.97 from Etsy »

Happy Monday, cold people and penitents ready to level up your hair shirts! Strickolino has some hand knit adult onesies for you. Super chunky hand knit adult onesies. Like, chunkier than Skippy Extra Crunchy, the pico...

Barefoot Dreams CozyChic Men's Camo Hoodie

$175 from Amazon »

I think Barefoot Dreams' CozyChic Men's Camo Hoodie will be the coziest and chicest hoodie you'll ever wear in your life. At least it better be for what Barefoot Dreams is charging for the ball o' fluff with a zipper...

RSVLTS Saved By The Bell Collection Clothing

$27 - $65 from RSVLTS »

Did you know Saved By the Bell shares a 30th anniversary with Seinfeld? And a 25th anniversary with Friends? Zack Morris, AC Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano, Lisa Turtle, Screech Powers, and Mr. Belding made their...

Polar Shorts - Fleece Shorts for Spring & Fall

$59.99 from Amazon »

They might make you look more like one of the 3 bears, but Polar Shorts, insulated fleece shorts described as "comfy AF," will make you feel like Goldilocks come spring and fall. Hear that, Dad? Your choice of 100% polyester...

Transparent Swim Trunks

$15.88 from Amazon »

Nothing to see here. Because...because...these swim trunks are transparent! Bwahahaha!...

Great White Shark Holographic Romper

$99.99 from Etsy »

It's the Great White Disco Diva. This holographic great white shark romper from Coquetry Clothing doesn't make quite the splash in my heart the Sharkini swimsuit did back in 2013, but I'd still be happy for any lady wearing...

The TaTa Top (NSFW)

$34.99 from TaTa Top »

Where was the TaTa Top flesh-colored bikini with nipples when I was having fun with anatomical optical illusions a couple weeks ago? Guess I'll have to retroactively add this eye-(and pants-)popping swimsuit to my Breast...

IPA Lot When I Drink T-Shirt

Discontinued

Normally I hate IPA, but I'll take a pint in its punniest of pun form on this IPA Lot When I Drink T-shirt. And here I thought I'd already seen all the best beer gifts...

Men's One-Piece Thanos Swimsuit

$35.99 from Amazon »

Thanos may finally get his wish of wiping out half the world's population if enough dudes don a men's one-piece Thanos swimsuit this summer. And I thought the ladies' version was disturbing. But I guess as the great Titan...

Ron Swanson's Shirt of Greatness

$65 from RSVLTS »

This Independence Day, Ron Swanson's Shirt of Greatness is here to remind us all, "History began on July 4th, 1776 - everything before that was a mistake."...

Royal Robbins Men's City Traveler Shirt

$69 from Amazon »

Hot time, summer in the city / Traveler Shirt wrinkle resistant and sweat wicking. Royal Robbins makes many a manly button-up, sewn with sleeves both short and long, but the City Traveler seems most appropriate for today...