Clothing

SafeTee - T-Shirt with Built-In Face Mask

$25 - $35 from SafeTee »

The SafeTee is a T-Shirt with a built-in face mask that uses the comfort of a 100-year mainstay to help escort men, women, and especially kiddos heading to school into our New Normal...

Modernist x Gravity Weighted Robe

$130 from Gravity »

The outlook for my WFH winter just got a whole lot heavier. This Weighted Robe, a collaboration between Modernist and Gravity, brings the anxiety-easing, stress-relieving, deep touch pressure stimulation of the weighted...

Pizza Pocket Hoodie

$44.95 from Amazon »

The Pizza Pocket Hoodie is a sweatshirt with a piece o' pie chest pouch designed to hold actual slices of pizza. In other words, whooo needs a gift for a stoner?...

Quikflip 2-in-1 Reversible Backpack Hoodie

$54.95 from Amazon »

The Quikflip reversible backpack hoodie evolution began, according to creator Rener Gracie, because "As a third generation jiu-jitsu master and a lifelong athlete, I became increasingly frustrated with the lack of ways...

Screenshot Men's Hip Hop Track Pants

$22.99 - $26.99 from Amazon »

I don't like every pattern and color combo of Screenshot's Men's Hip Hop Track Pants, but I do like some of them, and I especially like the idea of a bunch of dudes wearing all 30-odd styles of them in a room together...

D*ckhead Shirt

$19.99 - $21.99 from Amazon »

Is there any way to sneak a D*ckhead Shirt onto someone's body without them noticing? Yeah, but what if they're not a deep sleeper or blacked out drunk? What if they're, say, a wide-awake, and surprisingly spry, 68-year-old...

Bigfoot Hoodies & Shirts

$31.99 - $59.99 from AlohaZing »

No Bigfoot were harmed...or spotted...in the making of this line of all-over printed Bigfoot hoodies and shirts. The 3D appearance of the hairy, nippley fashion is also an optical illusion - Aloha Zing says the sustainable...

Burton Mine77 Weatherley Board Shorts

$69.77 from Burton »

Burton's essence might be frigid temps, high elevations, and snowboards, but that doesn't mean the outdoor brand doesn't like them a hot summer day at sea level, and splashing around in the perfect board shorts every...

Corgi Butt Leggings

$54.07 from Etsy »

Why you gotta taunt me, Corgi Butt Leggings? Like I don't want to pet, pat, and smack my wife's ass often enough as it is. Especially now that we're sheltering up in place, so it's within about 50' of me 24/7. Adding...

Like a Good Neighbor Social Distancing T-Shirt

$15.95 from Amazon »

Like a good neighbor, stay over there. You can get it as a social distancing T-shirt. A social distancing coffee mug. A social distancing doormat. And that's not all, because it's official: the COVID-19 merch is here!...

Your Girl Hugging Your Crotch Boxer Briefs

$19.59 from Amazon »

Not much to add to these boxer briefs. Oh, except for a picture of your girl - girlfriend, wife, crush, black-hearted ex Karen - strategically placed at the crotchal region so as to look like she's hugging your cock...

Fireproof, Waterproof, Windproof 100 Year Hoodie

$495 from Vollebak »

Version 3 of Vollebak's 100 Year Hoodie is like the Anti-Captain Planet of outerwear. It repels wind, rain, snow, and now, fire. Earth is still missing though. Maybe they'll build version 4 to emit a force field against...

Mohair Pants

$184.80 - $375.38 from Etsy »

Need some mo' hair down there? Feel all warm 'n' fuzzy on the inside and the out with SuperTanya's hand-knit mohair pants. The mohair knitwear is funky-chic on the eyes and either: a) soft as a pussywillow; or b) itchy...

Softies Ultra Soft Snuggle Lounger

$94 from Amazon »

Is it the Softies Snuggle Lounger that makes me want to cuddle up and bury my hands and face in that seat of buttery velvet, or is it the girl in the Softies Snuggle Lounger? It's both, dudes. It is absolutely both. And...

UFO Raincoat

$4.19 - $14.97 from Amazon »

Bow down to the grandma rockin' the UFO Raincoat. What an honor it must be to have been selected to model this hot piece of haute couture. And the designer of the inclement-weather-thwarting flying saucer! Please tell...

Men's Half Thong (NSFW)

$2.99 from Amazon »

Never mind all the male bush and taint action going on in these Men's Half Thong photos, what I really want to know is: how the half thong does a dude wear a half thong? How does it stay on? Is there an adhesive involved?...

Baby Yoda Baby on Board Windshield Decal

$10 from Amazon »

On board, Baby Yoda is. And while the Baby Yoda drawn in this clever take on the Baby on Board windshield decals is nowhere near as adorable as The Mandalorian's actual Baby Yoda, I still appreciate the reference, and...

Women's Lace Kimono Robe

$17.79 from Amazon »

A little bit of kimono for the lady wearing this sexy lace robe, a lot of kimoano for the dude who sees her in it. These Kimono Robes stimulate, seduce, and bring up the boners, but with flowing butterfly sleeves and...

FridaBalls New Dad Boxers with Cup for Baby Cheap Shots

$27.99 from Amazon »

Because no one want to feel the baby kick after it's born. FridaBalls are boxer briefs for new dads, or existing but amateur dads, who haven't learned to dodge the flying limbs and wiffle ball bats of their babies, toddlers...

Wearable Blanket

$22.99 - $38.99 from Amazon »

Now this is the wearable of the season. I'd take a wearable blanket - hoodie style! - over pretty much any other wearable tech nonsense they've got going on right now...

Ranch Dressing Ugly Christmas Sweater

Once upon a time, Hidden deep in the Valley of ugly Christmas sweaters, there lived a bottle of Ranch Dressing. So sad was the Ranch that while the likes of Santa and the Elves, Frosty and Rudolph, and even Bill & Ted...

Thanksgiving Dinner Nutrition Label T-Shirts

$22.95 from Etsy »

Buzzkill alert! Boots Tees is selling Thanksgiving dinner nutrition label T-shirts, tops advertising the calorie, fat, and carb contents of popular turkey day foods. Choose from over 2 dozen different dishes, and become...

Hand Knit Adult Onesies

$304.84 - $937.97 from Etsy »

Happy Monday, cold people and penitents ready to level up your hair shirts! Strickolino has some hand knit adult onesies for you. Super chunky hand knit adult onesies. Like, chunkier than Skippy Extra Crunchy, the pico...

Barefoot Dreams CozyChic Men's Camo Hoodie

$175 from Amazon »

I think Barefoot Dreams' CozyChic Men's Camo Hoodie will be the coziest and chicest hoodie you'll ever wear in your life. At least it better be for what Barefoot Dreams is charging for the ball o' fluff with a zipper...