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Zombie Gnomes: Bye Bye Birdie/aztec-secret-indian-healing-8052.jpg "Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay")
The Amazon reviews of Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay--nearly 800 of them!--are so overwhelmingly positive it makes me wonder how I've never before heard of these miraculous bentonite particulates of the earth. Maybe I was...
/poundtown-condom-6945.jpg "Poundtown Condom")
In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are, like...
/ninja-turtles-bra-6364.jpg "Ninja Turtles Bra")
Some would say the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are making a comeback. LL Cool J would probably say don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years. Teri Hatcher and John Travolta would warn Leonardo, Michelanglo, Donatello, and Raphael to tread lightly on this resurgence of fame, as it can all be gone again in a matter of one bad season on your trashy primetime soap opera, or a few harassment...
/japanese-tongue-exerciser-5528.jpg "Japanese Tongue Exerciser")
The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...
/ostrich-pillow-5037.jpg "Ostrich Pillow")
If looking like a complete schmo in an Ostrich Pillow means that I can sleep through transcontinental flights and my boss' stories about his Junior Samba Champion grandson, then bring on the gawks and guffaws. I won't see...
/cyborg-tattoos-4220.jpg "Cyborg Tattoos")
I'm afraid online ordering options for the cyborg flesh treatment have yet to make it to Amazon. In fact, should you want an anatomical anomaly tattoo so whiplash-inducingly realistic and infatuating it gets mistaken for professionally applied prostheses and makeup, you'll probably have to make a quick trip to Venezuela, where Yomica Moreno, the extraordinary tattoo artist responsible for these...
/temporary-eye-tattoos-7545.jpg "Temporary Eye Tattoos")
I can't tell if these temporary tattoos are attractive or look like someone taped a doily to your eye, but I think girls will like them, so as a nod to girls, I'm going to award Man Nga Liu's makeup alternatives relatively...
/pregnant-belly-painting-kit-5190.jpg "Pregnant Belly Painting Kit")
I don't know how I feel about painting pregnant bellies for public display. Well, maybe it would be cool if one were painted with waves and then the small human being inside started kicking and fighting to get out and made...
/zinka-neon-sunscreen-3806.jpg "Zinka Neon Sunscreen")
Panama Jack left the neon zinc oxide sunscreen game too early. Now that fluorescent orange, yellow, and pink are back--in a full-on, legitimate, non-humorous, non-ironic sort of way no less--I have to give a shout out to the...
/japanese-nose-straightener-3342.jpg "Japanese Nose Straightener")
Taking a page from Apple's business model, the world of rhinoplasty has apparently determined that exorbitantly expensive nose jobs have been widely available for enough years now that it's time to do some price slashing....
If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.
And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.
The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.
/what-happened-bandages-5465.jpg "What Happened Bandages?")
Nothing like a little colorful latex with cockamamie explanations of what you did to require bandage coverage to make paper cuts, minor dicing mishaps, and drunken tumbles look a little more admirable. Each box of What Happened?...
/custom-temporary-tattoos-4041.jpg "Custom Temporary Tattoos")
Jolly Rogers, Hearts that say "Mom", Tweety Birds, sure they're gumball machine classics when it comes to temporary tattoos, but what about getting tatted out for 2 to 3 days in a design that expresses true individuality and...
/tattoo-enhancing-moisturizer-4877.jpg "Tattoo Enhancing Moisturizer")
Though many people who get tattoos fancy themselves hardasses, it doesn't mean they don't want to coddle and pamper and amplify their sweet baby ink jobs. Fresh Ink Tattoo Enhancing Moisturizer endeavors to amp up the appearance...
/Barcode-Tattoos-1436.jpg?mode=crop "Barcode Tattoos")
Not quite ready to make today's ironic tat trend a lifelong companion? Or even a week-long reminder that corporate America condemns those with conspicuous body art to careers in food service? These peel-off barcode tattoos...
/black-light-makeup-5086.jpg "Black Light Makeup")
If you can resign yourself to wearing a face (or body) full of lime green makeup when the boring yellow lights are on, get ready to blow minds when the sexy black ones take over. Fluorescing in brilliant neon hues under UV...
/eyelash-jewelry-6253.jpg "Eyelash Jewelry")
Ma'am, I think you've got something in your eye. Let me just...holy crap! Did you get attacked by an albino peacock? Or did your mom, uh, get frisky with one? What? Ocular embellishments? Eyelash jewelry? Isn't it uncomfortable...
/bone-cast-tattoos-5186.jpg "Bone Cast Tattoos")
If you're stuck in a cast, may as well milk the sympathies of the world by showing it what the plaster is covering. Casttoo's Bone Tattoos for the cast-ridden come in a range of styles*, from straight subsurface skeletal structure...
/Hand-Tattoos9378-191.jpg?mode=crop "Hand Tattoos")
Become an instant hit with you nephews and nieces (or your own kids if you're fertile/not sterile) with these temporary hand tattoos. Having trouble figuring out what to get toddlers for their birthdays? Just get them nothing...
/Pain-Is-A-Bitch-Bandages-1349.jpg?mode=crop "Pain Is A Bitch Bandages")
Most of these obscenity bandages seem apropos for the injuries they will cover, but who yells, "Balls!" after slicing through Tallman instead of the onion? Seriously, is "Balls!" really anyone's go-to vulgarity when overcome...
/The-Worlds-Most-Powerful-Laser-100.jpg?mode=crop "The World's Most Powerful Laser")
