Body

Christmas Tree Kitty Carpet - Reusable Crotch Wig

$8.95 from Amazon »

Wife or girlfriend wishing for a kitty under the Christmas tree this year? Welp, get her a Christmas Tree Kitty Carpet and you'll basically be giving her exactly what she asked for. While saving yourself the allergic...

Micro TagBand Skin Tag Remover

$19.95 from Amazon »

The Micro TagBand skin tag remover is a tiny, low-tech tool for popping off bulbous mounds of excess flesh by way of slow strangulation...

MindInsole Acupressure Magnetic Insoles

Discontinued

A reflexology massage and fat-cell-weakening magnetic stimulation session while you walk - how's that for incentive to slide in a pair of MindInsole acupressure magnetic insoles and hoof it instead of driving to the store...

Ice Roller - Therapeutic Skincare & Pain Relief

$17.99 from Amazon »

Dull skin, inflammation, and even aches and pains get the freeze-out with the Ice Roller for face and body...

Gua Sha Scraping Massage Tool Sets

$125.99 - $149.99 from Amazon »

Hey, whatcha got in that fancy metal brief- Whoa! Uh, nevermind. Forget I asked. ... Oh, uh, Gua Sha massage tools? OK, sure. Massage tools. Whatever you say, dude. I'll just leave you then to, uh...find someone who needs...

Paincakes Stick-On Cold Packs

$9.99 from Amazon »

Paincakes are stick-on ice packs that make fighting pain in sore, swollen, or injured parts of your body less of a pain in your ass. Eliminating the need to dink around with tape or haul out a WRAPTIE strap to hold your...

Snow Globe Sweaters

$8.54 from Amazon »

Don't be fooled! These here Snow Globe Sweaters are not cozy and adorable winter hats for snow globes. They're cozy and adorable winter hats for nipples! Like the ones on the ends of boobies. I really don't know why they've...

Animal Eye Patches

$26.99 from Amazon »

Lazy eye, meet snake eye. No kid likes wearing an eye patch (most adults don't either, unless it means they can talk and act like a pirate) but See Worthy Eye Patches makes the burden a little more bearable with their...

Ninja Bandages

$9.93 from Amazon »

Trade kissing for Hi-yah!-ing to make it better with these most excellent Ninja Bandages. Which are most definitely not just for kids...

Pimple Vacuum

$23.99 from Amazon »

Here comes the pimple vacuum, suckin' up blackheads and pore jam like a Dyson at a dog hair buffet. Look at that photo! It's a vortex of dirt and oil! Acne-ridden teens, check out your new Fairy Godmother in action...

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia D*ck Towel

$22.21 from Amazon »

The actual Dick Towel Mac created and sported on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 5, Episode 8) didn't look like this Dick Towel you yourself can sport on any day you like. But I guess it's a close enough approximation...

Breo Scalp Mini Waterproof Head Massager

$69.99 - $89.99 from Amazon »

The Breo Scalp Mini can't possibly deliver the level of head massage that my wife can. Or my hairdresser, for that matter. But it does have some key features, such as the ever-eager and indefatigable nature of a machine...

Carpe Antiperspirant Hand, Foot, Boob & Pit Lotions

$14.95 - $19.99 from Amazon »

Oh boy, here comes the sweater! Better have a towel nearby if you're gonna shake his hand. And don't sit too close to him at lunch. And if lunch involves anything 1-star spicy or higher, say you're not hungry and just...

Jaws Reusable Menstrual Pads

$5.80 - $19.32 from Etsy »

Most of the words in this "Jaws Reusable Menstrual Pads" title are well beyond my areas of expertise. Also, I'll grant that some of you dudes (and ladies) will consider Jaws Reusable Menstrual Pads one of the newest things...

Penis Costumes

$15.99 - $19.99 from Etsy »

Need some summer headwear? Grab a Penis Costume from Cock Couture and head on down to the beach for some fun in the sun! Just don't forget the SPF 30...

Fish-D-Funk Fish Odor Removal Wipes

Sold Out from Amazon »

So, uh, Fish-D-Funk, are we talking about the odor removal of fish fish, or just anything I may have had my hands on that smells fishy here? Because my wife is always asking me to dig my fingers around...the garbage disposal...

The Whizzinator Touch - Synthetic Urine Kit (NSFW)

Golden shower or passing a drug test, what's your Whizzinator pleasure? I first learned of this bizarre and fantastic strap-on penis and synthetic urine kit from attorney L. Scott Briscoe. Via his Facebook page, Briscoe...

The PersonalSpacinator

Claustrophobes, agoraphobes, germophobes, the PersonalSpacinator is for you. Provided you don't also have a fear of walking around looking like an idiot...

CoolMen Testicle Cooling Device

Need a Father's Day gift for a would-be dad? The CoolMen Testicle Cooling Device, despite sounding and looking like no more than an awesome jock strap for chilling your balls, exists in the name of fertility. It's a testicle...

me Sleek Face & Body Permanent Hair Removal System

$249.99 from Amazon »

Dudes and ladies, maybe you dig your hairy back / chest / arms / legs / upper lip. But if you're here reading about the me Sleek Face & Body Permanent Hair Removal System, my guess is you're more of the mindset that these...

Bulletproof Men's Underwear

So what exactly does the Like New qualifier on these bulletproof men's underwear mean? The exact words in Sportsman's Guide's listing are British Military Surplus Blast Shorts With Kevlar, Like New. Are they saying, "Yeah...

SomniFix Mouth Tape

$19.97 from Amazon »

I can't decide which direction to go with these SomniFix Mouth Strips: solution for creepy heavy mouth breathers; or solution for anyone who's ever wanted to tape someone else's mouth shut? Stop giving off the serial...

Skull Hand Tattoo

$5.23 from Etsy »

You don't have your Halloween costume yet? Facepalm! Now you do. These Skull Hand Tattoos from Anna-Lena and her Etsy shop, Tattoo Crew, are temporary applications that will deliver an instant costume and a crowd-pleasing...

Vibrant Capsule Vibrating Laxative Pill

I mean, how did Vibrant figure out that swallowing a vibrating pill could create an internal laxative effect? Be honest guys. Someone swallowed one of those bullet vibrators and came in for emergency surgery and a pants...