Body

CUR Smart Band-Aid for Pain Relief

$249 from CUR »

Your watch, your light bulbs, even your fork is smart now, so why not your band-aid? Especially when CUR (pronounced "cure" like a remedy, not "cur" like a mongrel dog) isn't smart because it simply makes your life more...

Novelty Condom Cases

$9.99 from Amazon »

I don't know if these condom cases are for dudes or ladies, but I do know they're for condoms. Two big fat ones, according to their LA-based artist Jamila Starwater. She also calls them a "great ice-breaker and conversation...

Magic Tatts 3D Animated Tattoos

$9.99 from Magic Tatts »

Want to make your tattoos come to life without eating hallucinogenic fungi? Then trade the magic mushrooms for some Magic Tatts, temporary tattoos that interact with an accompanying iOS/Android app to create animated...

Nerdwax Glasses Grip

$8.69 from Amazon »

Glasses-wearing nerds rejoice! Glasses-wearing non-nerds and sunglasses-wearing anyone can do a little jig too if you ever have trouble keeping your specs and shades positioned securely on your face without constantly...

Spicy Subscriptions Adult Product Boxes (NSFW)

$19.95 - $29 from Spicy Subscriptions »

Gifting a lady a Spicy Subscription sexy time box for Valentine's Day is like giving her a treadmill in that her use of it will directly benefit you, but way better because there will be less lag time before you see the...

Game of Thrones Temporary Tattoos

$5 - $20 from Etsy »

No girl who applies one of Seventh Skin's Game of Thrones temporary tattoos better get mad at me for staring at her chest. The intricacy, the detail, and the artistry of these short-term odes to Houses Targaryen, Stark...

Liquid Latex Black Light Body Paint (NSFW)

$61.51 from Amazon »

This Liquid Latex Body Paint Black Light Kit is pretty self-explanatory. I don't have much to say about it. Except that, in perusing the image gallery above...I think I found Waldo. It wasn't even that hard. I mean, before...

DUBS Advanced Tech Earplugs

$25 from DUBS »

I always wear earplugs when I go out at night. Not only do they protect what little hearing I have left, but if someone ugly comes up and tries to talk to me they also give me an easy out: I just point at my ears, conjure...

Tattly Designer Temporary Tattoos

$5 - $15 from Tattly »

I think I want to get permanently inked with: a pair of pliers; a pirate ship; a snarling grizzly bear; and a soft-serve ice cream cone, but I'd like to test drive them for a couple days before finalizing the decision....

Deo Body Odor Candy

Sold Out from Amazon »

Bulgaria. That's the inspiration, the origin, the country we have to thank for Deo, a candy that makes you sweat roses. The Valley of the Roses sits between the Balkan and Sredna Gora mountain ranges in central Bulgaria...

Finfolk Custom Mermaid Tails

By what magnitude would the awesomeness of mud wrestling increase if all the ladies participating got to wear a Finfolk Productions 100% dragonskin and platinum cure silicone mermaid tail? Muddy, slippery, rolling on...

Osteoid - 3D Printed Ultrasound Cast

Great. Now kids are going to start breaking one another's arms just so they can get a sick 3D-printed cast with attached bone stimulator to set and heal it. I mean, that's what I'd do if I were a kid. OK, maybe with a...

HAL Robot Suit - Next Generation Prototype

Japanese robotics company Cyberdyne began their Hybrid Assistive Limb, or HAL trials in 2012. A powered exoskeleton endeavoring to turn humans into cyborg-type robots, HAL has been tested largely in medical facilities...

Whiskey Dick Lube

Sold Out from Amazon »

Who likes the taste of whiskey? OK, all men put your hands down. Now? Hmmm, all women over the age of 40...no, I'll go 50...and with the exception of Christie Brinkley...put your hands down. So that leaves, what, like...

Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener (NSFW)

I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like...

Eidos Superhuman Senses Gear

To determine whether or not Eidos has grounds to call itself "superhuman" I forced the gear to undergo rigorous, yet fair, questioning and testing....

NapAnywhere Pillow

$59 from Nap Anywhere »

Oh boy, and I think the NapAnywhere pillow looks just enough like a neck brace that I can convince suspicious parties I need it for medical reasons. Let me tell you some things I do not enjoy that will maybe become bearable...

Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay

$4.99 - $10.50 from Amazon »

The Amazon reviews of Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay--nearly 800 of them!--are so overwhelmingly positive it makes me wonder how I've never before heard of these miraculous bentonite particulates of the earth. Maybe...

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Temporary Eye Tattoos

$4 from Etsy »

I can't tell if these temporary tattoos are attractive or look like someone taped a doily to your eye, but I think girls will like them, so as a nod to girls, I'm going to award Man Nga Liu's makeup alternatives relatively...

Poundtown Condom

In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are...

Ninja Turtles Bra

Sold Out from Etsy »

Some would say the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are making a comeback. LL Cool J would probably say don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years. Teri Hatcher and John Travolta would warn Leonardo, Michelanglo...

Eyelash Jewelry

$7 - $60 from Etsy »

Ma'am, I think you've got something in your eye. Let me just...holy crap! Did you get attacked by an albino peacock? Or did your mom, uh, get frisky with one? What? Ocular embellishments? Eyelash jewelry? Isn't it uncomfortable...

Japanese Tongue Exerciser

Sold Out from Amazon »

The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...

What Happened Bandages?

Nothing like a little colorful latex with cockamamie explanations of what you did to require bandage coverage to make paper cuts, minor dicing mishaps, and drunken tumbles look a little more admirable. Each box of What...

Pregnant Belly Painting Kit

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know how I feel about painting pregnant bellies for public display. Well, maybe it would be cool if one were painted with waves and then the small human being inside started kicking and fighting to get out and...

Bone Cast Tattoos

$27 from Casttoo »

If you're stuck in a cast, may as well milk the sympathies of the world by showing it what the plaster is covering. Casttoo's Bone Tattoos for the cast-ridden come in a range of styles*, from straight subsurface skeletal...

Black Light Makeup

$9.95 from Amazon »

If you can resign yourself to wearing a face (or body) full of lime green makeup when the boring yellow lights are on, get ready to blow minds when the sexy black ones take over. Fluorescing in brilliant neon hues under...

Ostrich Pillow

$99.99 from Amazon »

If looking like a complete schmo in an Ostrich Pillow means that I can sleep through transcontinental flights and my boss' stories about his Junior Samba Champion grandson, then bring on the gawks and guffaws. I won't...

Tattoo Enhancing Moisturizer

Though many people who get tattoos fancy themselves hardasses, it doesn't mean they don't want to coddle and pamper and amplify their sweet baby ink jobs. Fresh Ink Tattoo Enhancing Moisturizer endeavors to amp up the...

Cyborg Tattoos

I'm afraid online ordering options for the cyborg flesh treatment have yet to make it to Amazon. In fact, should you want an anatomical anomaly tattoo so whiplash-inducingly realistic and infatuating it gets mistaken...

Custom Temporary Tattoos

Jolly Rogers, Hearts that say "Mom", Tweety Birds, sure they're gumball machine classics when it comes to temporary tattoos, but what about getting tatted out for 2 to 3 days in a design that expresses true individuality...

Zinka Neon Sunscreen

$5.21 - $6.50 from Amazon »

Panama Jack left the neon zinc oxide sunscreen game too early. Now that fluorescent orange, yellow, and pink are back--in a full-on, legitimate, non-humorous, non-ironic sort of way no less--I have to give a shout out...

Japanese Nose Straightener

Taking a page from Apple's business model, the world of rhinoplasty has apparently determined that exorbitantly expensive nose jobs have been widely available for enough years now that it's time to do some price slashing....

Barcode Tattoos

$7.50 from Barcode Art »

Not quite ready to make today's ironic tat trend a lifelong companion? Or even a week-long reminder that corporate America condemns those with conspicuous body art to careers in food service? These peel-off barcode tattoos...

Pain Is A Bitch Bandages

Most of these obscenity bandages seem apropos for the injuries they will cover, but who yells, "Balls!" after slicing through Tallman instead of the onion? Seriously, is "Balls!" really anyone's go-to vulgarity when overcome...

Hand Tattoos

$7.32 from Amazon »

Become an instant hit with you nephews and nieces (or your own kids if you're fertile/not sterile) with these temporary hand tattoos. Having trouble figuring out what to get toddlers for their birthdays? Just get them...