Body

LastTissue Reusable Tissue Pack

$39 - $89 from LastObject »

LastObject says LastTissue, a reusable tissue pack, and the company's latest sustainable crowdfunding project, is "like if a handkerchief and a tissue pack had a baby." Which is to say, LastTissue is a set of handkerchiefs...

Face ID Compatible Respirator Masks

Face ID compatible respirator masks are surgical masks printed with the bottom half of your actual face to facilitate biometric recognition when you're contagious, or in the midst of a viral outbreak. That part is clear...

myONE Perfect Fit Condoms

$8 - $10 from myONE »

If the shoe fits...why shouldn't the condom? myONE Perfect Fit Condoms aren't custom-sized condoms, per se, but with 10 lengths, 9 widths, and 60 total sizes available, taking 15 seconds to line up your ruler like so...

After Sex Towel

$9 from Amazon »

This after sex towel considers itself "unique and clever" for taking a plain white terry cloth towel and embroidering the word "Sperm" across it. (Or, if you prefer a little more slang and vulgarity in your terminology...

Bob Ross Bandages

$8.79 from Amazon »

Of all the pieces of Bob Ross merch out there, Bob Ross Bandages are one of the few that actually make sense. They're right up there with the Bob Ross Chia Pet because, as the boo-boo covers state with pride: in injuries...

Uberlube Luxury Lubricant

$18 from Amazon »

Since the self-driving car and going public things haven't worked out so well for Uber, they've decided to diversify with a foray into the personal lubricant business. Uberlube, a luxury lubricant for discerning "ridesharers,"...

VindKan Penis Enlargement Underwear

$25.99 from Amazon »

Happy New Year from your penis, the little pants snake that thinks VindKan Penis Enlargement Underwear might help him show up to 2020's ssssex ssssessions a little less perky garter and a little more long, lashing anaconda...

Christmas Tree Kitty Carpet - Reusable Crotch Wig

$8.95 from Amazon »

Wife or girlfriend wishing for a kitty under the Christmas tree this year? Welp, get her a Christmas Tree Kitty Carpet and you'll basically be giving her exactly what she asked for. While saving yourself the allergic...

Micro TagBand Skin Tag Remover

$19.95 from Amazon »

The Micro TagBand skin tag remover is a tiny, low-tech tool for popping off bulbous mounds of excess flesh by way of slow strangulation...

MindInsole Acupressure Magnetic Insoles

$12.95 from Amazon »

A reflexology massage and fat-cell-weakening magnetic stimulation session while you walk - how's that for incentive to slide in a pair of MindInsole acupressure magnetic insoles and hoof it instead of driving to the store...

Ice Roller - Therapeutic Skincare & Pain Relief

$13.99 from Amazon »

Dull skin, inflammation, and even aches and pains get the freeze-out with the Ice Roller for face and body...

Gua Sha Scraping Massage Tool Sets

$125.99 - $149.99 from Amazon »

Hey, whatcha got in that fancy metal brief- Whoa! Uh, nevermind. Forget I asked. ... Oh, uh, Gua Sha massage tools? OK, sure. Massage tools. Whatever you say, dude. I'll just leave you then to, uh...find someone who needs...

Paincakes Stick-On Cold Packs

$9.99 from Amazon »

Paincakes are stick-on ice packs that make fighting pain in sore, swollen, or injured parts of your body less of a pain in your ass. Eliminating the need to dink around with tape or haul out a WRAPTIE strap to hold your...

Snow Globe Sweaters

$8.54 from Amazon »

Don't be fooled! These here Snow Globe Sweaters are not cozy and adorable winter hats for snow globes. They're cozy and adorable winter hats for nipples! Like the ones on the ends of boobies. I really don't know why they've...

Animal Eye Patches

$26.99 from Amazon »

Lazy eye, meet snake eye. No kid likes wearing an eye patch (most adults don't either, unless it means they can talk and act like a pirate) but See Worthy Eye Patches makes the burden a little more bearable with their...

Ninja Bandages

$7.95 from Amazon »

Trade kissing for Hi-yah!-ing to make it better with these most excellent Ninja Bandages. Which are most definitely not just for kids...

Pimple Vacuum

$27.99 from Amazon »

Here comes the pimple vacuum, suckin' up blackheads and pore jam like a Dyson at a dog hair buffet. Look at that photo! It's a vortex of dirt and oil! Acne-ridden teens, check out your new Fairy Godmother in action...

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia D*ck Towel

$23.95 from Amazon »

The actual Dick Towel Mac created and sported on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 5, Episode 8) didn't look like this Dick Towel you yourself can sport on any day you like. But I guess it's a close enough approximation...

Breo Scalp Mini Waterproof Head Massager

$69.99 - $89.99 from Amazon »

The Breo Scalp Mini can't possibly deliver the level of head massage that my wife can. Or my hairdresser, for that matter. But it does have some key features, such as the ever-eager and indefatigable nature of a machine...

Carpe Antiperspirant Hand, Foot, Boob & Pit Lotions

$14.95 - $19.99 from Amazon »

Oh boy, here comes the sweater! Better have a towel nearby if you're gonna shake his hand. And don't sit too close to him at lunch. And if lunch involves anything 1-star spicy or higher, say you're not hungry and just...

Jaws Reusable Menstrual Pads

$5.80 - $19.32 from Etsy »

Most of the words in this "Jaws Reusable Menstrual Pads" title are well beyond my areas of expertise. Also, I'll grant that some of you dudes (and ladies) will consider Jaws Reusable Menstrual Pads one of the newest things...

Penis Costumes

$15.99 - $19.99 from Etsy »

Need some summer headwear? Grab a Penis Costume from Cock Couture and head on down to the beach for some fun in the sun! Just don't forget the SPF 30...

Fish-D-Funk Fish Odor Removal Wipes

$6.99 from Amazon »

So, uh, Fish-D-Funk, are we talking about the odor removal of fish fish, or just anything I may have had my hands on that smells fishy here? Because my wife is always asking me to dig my fingers around...the garbage disposal...

The Whizzinator Touch - Synthetic Urine Kit (NSFW)

Golden shower or passing a drug test, what's your Whizzinator pleasure? I first learned of this bizarre and fantastic strap-on penis and synthetic urine kit from attorney L. Scott Briscoe. Via his Facebook page, Briscoe...