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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like they've...

Sunday, August 25, 2013

To determine whether or not Eidos has grounds to call itself "superhuman" I forced the gear to undergo rigorous, yet fair, questioning and testing....

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Great. Now kids are going to start breaking one another's arms just so they can get a sick 3D-printed cast with attached bone stimulator to set and heal it. I mean, that's what I'd do if I were a kid. OK, maybe with a few Maker's down the hatch I still would. The Osteoid cast is like a the raddest hybrid of medieval armor and a superhero costume and a sleeve tattoo ever. Yeah...I guess it also...

Tuesday, April 8, 2014
By: Behance

Japanese robotics company Cyberdyne began their Hybrid Assistive Limb, or HAL trials in 2012. A powered exoskeleton endeavoring to turn humans into cyborg-type robots, HAL has been tested largely in medical facilities thus...

Friday, January 31, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

Who likes the taste of whiskey? OK, all men put your hands down. Now? Hmmm, all women over the age of 40...no, I'll go 50...and with the exception of Christie Brinkley...put your hands down. So that leaves, what, like 7 of...

Tuesday, July 1, 2014
$5 - $15 from Tattly »

I think I want to get permanently inked with: a pair of pliers; a pirate ship; a snarling grizzly bear; and a soft-serve ice cream cone, but I'd like to test drive them for a couple days before finalizing the decision. Crafted by professional, independent artists who receive a percentage of every sale, Tattly's designer temporary tattoos crush their gumball machine competition in detail, selection...

Thursday, May 15, 2014

By what magnitude would the awesomeness of mud wrestling increase if all the ladies participating got to wear a Finfolk Productions 100% dragonskin and platinum cure silicone mermaid tail? Muddy, slippery, rolling on the ground...

Friday, May 23, 2014
$29.94 from Amazon »

Bulgaria. That's the inspiration, the origin, the country we have to thank for Deo, a candy that makes you sweat roses. The Valley of the Roses sits between the Balkan and Sredna Gora mountain ranges in central Bulgaria, and...

Thursday, February 28, 2013

In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are, like...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I'm afraid online ordering options for the cyborg flesh treatment have yet to make it to Amazon. In fact, should you want an anatomical anomaly tattoo so whiplash-inducingly realistic and infatuating it gets mistaken for professionally...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Thursday, November 1, 2012
Sold Out from Amazon »

The most endearing part about the Kuwaete Sukkiri Tongue Exerciser marketing campaign is that it claims the silicone (and grapefruit scented!) apparatus is intended to "help improve your face line and those flabby, sagging...

Friday, September 21, 2012
$96.50 from Amazon »

If looking like a complete schmo in an Ostrich Pillow means that I can sleep through transcontinental flights and my boss' stories about his Junior Samba Champion grandson, then bring on the gawks and guffaws. I won't see...

Monday, January 14, 2013
$45 from Etsy »

Some would say the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are making a comeback. LL Cool J would probably say don't call it a comeback, they've been here for years. Teri Hatcher and John Travolta would warn Leonardo, Michelanglo, Donatello...

Thursday, April 18, 2013
$4 from Etsy »

I can't tell if these temporary tattoos are attractive or look like someone taped a doily to your eye, but I think girls will like them, so as a nod to girls, I'm going to award Man Nga Liu's makeup alternatives relatively...

Monday, April 9, 2012

Taking a page from Apple's business model, the world of rhinoplasty has apparently determined that exorbitantly expensive nose jobs have been widely available for enough years now that it's time to do some price slashing....

Wednesday, June 26, 2013
$59 from Nap Anywhere »

Oh boy, and I think the NapAnywhere pillow looks just enough like a neck brace that I can convince suspicious parties I need it for medical reasons. Let me tell you some things I do not enjoy that will maybe become bearable...

Monday, June 3, 2013
$4.99 - $10.50 from Amazon »

The Amazon reviews of Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay--nearly 800 of them!--are so overwhelmingly positive it makes me wonder how I've never before heard of these miraculous bentonite particulates of the earth. Maybe I was...

Monday, May 28, 2012
$5.21 - $6.50 from Amazon »

Panama Jack left the neon zinc oxide sunscreen game too early. Now that fluorescent orange, yellow, and pink are back--in a full-on, legitimate, non-humorous, non-ironic sort of way no less--I have to give a shout out to the...

Thursday, October 4, 2012
$20.65 from Amazon »

I don't know how I feel about painting pregnant bellies for public display. Well, maybe it would be cool if one were painted with waves and then the small human being inside started kicking and fighting to get out and made...

Friday, October 26, 2012

Nothing like a little colorful latex with cockamamie explanations of what you did to require bandage coverage to make paper cuts, minor dicing mishaps, and drunken tumbles look a little more admirable. Each box of What Happened?...

Friday, June 22, 2012

Jolly Rogers, Hearts that say "Mom", Tweety Birds, sure they're gumball machine classics when it comes to temporary tattoos, but what about getting tatted out for 2 to 3 days in a design that expresses true individuality and...

Wednesday, November 23, 2011
$7.50 from Barcode Art »

Not quite ready to make today's ironic tat trend a lifelong companion? Or even a week-long reminder that corporate America condemns those with conspicuous body art to careers in food service? These peel-off barcode tattoos...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Though many people who get tattoos fancy themselves hardasses, it doesn't mean they don't want to coddle and pamper and amplify their sweet baby ink jobs. Fresh Ink Tattoo Enhancing Moisturizer endeavors to amp up the appearance...

Monday, September 24, 2012
$5.99 from Amazon »

If you can resign yourself to wearing a face (or body) full of lime green makeup when the boring yellow lights are on, get ready to blow minds when the sexy black ones take over. Fluorescing in brilliant neon hues under UV...

Wednesday, October 3, 2012
$27 from Casttoo »

If you're stuck in a cast, may as well milk the sympathies of the world by showing it what the plaster is covering. Casttoo's Bone Tattoos for the cast-ridden come in a range of styles*, from straight subsurface skeletal structure...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Most of these obscenity bandages seem apropos for the injuries they will cover, but who yells, "Balls!" after slicing through Tallman instead of the onion? Seriously, is "Balls!" really anyone's go-to vulgarity when overcome...

Saturday, January 5, 2013
$7 - $60 from Etsy »

Ma'am, I think you've got something in your eye. Let me just...holy crap! Did you get attacked by an albino peacock? Or did your mom, uh, get frisky with one? What? Ocular embellishments? Eyelash jewelry? Isn't it uncomfortable...

Thursday, August 18, 2011
$6.85 from Amazon »

Become an instant hit with you nephews and nieces (or your own kids if you're fertile/not sterile) with these temporary hand tattoos. Having trouble figuring out what to get toddlers for their birthdays? Just get them nothing...

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