Body

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Scented Herb Temporary Tattoos

$18 from Tattly »

Yes, ma'am I do have a tattoo of rosemary on my arm. Wanna smell it? ... No, wait! It's not scratch 'n' sniff, it's.... Yes ma'am, I now have a tattoo of chopped rosemary on my arm....

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Mysseuse Self-Massager & Towel Holder

$19.99 from Amazon »

I've makeshift Mysseuse-d myself on the corner of a wall or door more times than I can count. And self-massages with devices like the Shiatsu Pillow and doohickies like the Beastie Bar have become pretty popular for kneading...

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Foot Anti Blister Balm

$20.99 from Amazon »

One thing I like about Foot Anti-Blister Balm is that it's frank and specific: one look at the roll and I know right where to put it. Which makes me think maybe I should invent some, like, tax return forms or spools of...

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Forsvarets Hudsalva Swedish Military Balm

$8 from Amazon »

Yesterday I showed you Fatworks, tasty animal fat you can use to cook. Today I bring you Forsvarets Hudsalva, soothing vegetable fat you can use to fix up your lips chapped from drooling and smacking at the sight of duck...

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SweatBlock Clinical Strength 7-Day Antiperspirant

$19.99 from Amazon »

Yeah, yeah I know sweating is healthy, but everything in moderation, right? And if your glands produce more of a torrential downpour than a morning dew every time you get hot, winded, or stressed out, SweatBlock antiperspirant...

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Ostrich Pillow Light

$37.76 - $45 from Amazon »

Order of Business the First: Get an Ostrich Pillow Light. Order of Business the Second: Steal that dude's blue plaid shirt and sweet ass mustache. Order of Business the Third: Crown self King of both Cool and Chill. Order...

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Go F Yourself Condom Card

$9.99 - $12.99 from FunnyCondoms.com »

I can think of many people to whom I'd like to send a Go F Yourself card (complete with packaged condom for carrying out the act!) but one dude stands out like a glowing beacon bobbing amidst the sea of the rest. How...

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myLAB Box - At-Home STD Test Kits

$79 - $285 from Amazon »

As the holiday season comes to an end, myLAB Box would like to invite you to explore just how merry yours was. Did Santa "slip" you any extra "gifts" this year? Did you enjoy one too many ho, ho, hos? The myLAB Box STD...

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Primal Pit Paste Natural Deodorant

$9.85 - $11.85 from Amazon »

Ready for an all natural, chemical-free, paleo-approved armpit rubdown? Primal Pit Paste, in addition to sounding formidable and manly, is a deodorant made with only real, organic ingredients, such as coconut oil, baking...

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Tanda Zap Acne Clearing Device

$11.30 from Amazon »

Merry Christmas, fix your face. Heh. I think giving someone the "gift" of a Tanda Zap acne clearer is kind of like giving them a treadmill or some Beachbody workout DVDs. More of a gift for you than for them. But. It...

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YO Sperm Tester for Smartphones

$49.95 from YO »

They've had smartphone attachments that tell you whether or not you're sober enough to drive for years now, so it's only logical YO is coming out with one to tell you whether or not you're fertile enough to make babies....

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Ruf Retard 907 - Intimate Spray for Men

$44.98 from Amazon »

Oh man, between the Jesus drink markers and this bottle of Retard spray, it's a day of low-hanging fruit in my world. No, more accurately in this case, low-hanging johnsons. No, people who power trip on being offended...

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Momentary Ink - Try on Your Custom Tattoo

$15 - $21 from Momentary Ink »

I wanted my girlfriend to dress up as the hot chick from Blindspot for Halloween so I could test out these Momentary Ink custom tattoos on her, but she was all, No! Absolutely not! I have a trial starting Thursday and...

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Iyashi Octopus Sucker Massager

Hmmm, what do you think, is that picture Photoshopped? And if it isn't would you consider having a pinky-sized chunk of your cheek Stretch Armstrong-ed a foot away from your face: 1) relaxing; and 2) $81 well spent?...

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Anti-Fatigue Faux Grass Rug

$44.99 from Amazon »

Stressed out? Stuck in the office while summer happens out the window next to you? Just need some serenity now? I don't know how the hell a faux grass carpet is supposed to solve any of those problems, but according to...

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Look Good Naked Self-Tan Towelettes

Sold Out from Amazon »

Pssshhh! I don't need a tan to make me look good naked!...

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Eargasm High Fidelity Earplugs

$34.95 from Amazon »

Eargasm says their clear silicone ear plugs are "ideal for anyone with ears." Oooh, ooh, I think that's me!...

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Wiener Dog Earplugs

$11.50 from Koncent »

I don't know who let the dogs out, and thanks to these Mimi Pet Nagai Dachshund earplugs I'll never hear anyone else wonder, Who, who, who, who?! again....

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GoodHead Flavored Gel

$10 from Amazon »

I read the following comment about GoodHead's Cinnamon-flavored lubricant / pleasure enhancer for the administrator of oral sex: "It's like chewing Big Red and sucking...the best damn lube period!" Unfortunately, there...

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Penis Tuxedo

$29.95 from LELO »

How long has it been since someone said your penis looks "dapper?" For me, the answer is an emphatic "too long." The same goes for "snazzy," "handsome," and "just like Jon Hamm." I can only hope LELO's new TUX, a penis...

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Bimek SLV - The Sperm Switch (NSFW)

By: Bimek »

Condoms or Dr. Snip. It's slim pickin's for dudes in the contraception department. And condoms are kinda lame due to the whole desensitization thing. And a vasectomy is kinda lame due to the whole sterilization thing....

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Star Wars Thigh-Hi Style Tights

Sold Out from Amazon »

Rotund. Top heavy. Proportional even. But never before would I have considered describing R2-D2 as leggy....

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Hyperlip Prosthetic Lips

$10.50 from Amazon »

The medical term for the part of the oral mucosa covering the tooth-bearing border of the jaw is is "gingiva." So. Who wants to see some gingiva?! The Hyperlip is a plastic lip ring that fits over your existing kisser...

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The Ball Lifter (NSFW)

$17 - $22.95 from Amazon »

I know what you're thinking: is that a push-up bra...for my balls? The answer is yes. The Ball Lifter was designed to lift and embellish your package without pumps, pills, or other male member enhancement quackery. It's...

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Boo-Boos Gory Bandages

I'll see your kiss it and make it better and raise you a gasp, gag, and vomit up my corn dog and curly fries. Designer, inventor, and gore master Sherwood Forlee makes Boo-Boos, adhesive bandages that will help make your...

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Activated Charcoal Liquid Soap

$21 from Latika »

Activated charcoal. You can eat it in hellfire burgers. You can brush your teeth with it for impurity removal and, ironically, whitening power. You can swallow it in pill form to alleviate <a href="/blog/ba-in-the...

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Colita De Rana Bug-Repellent Aloe

If you have a sunburn so bad it hurts to blink, that sucks. If you have a sunburn so bad it hurts to blink, and then you get bitten up by mosquitos such that even though several areas of your body are at Level 8 pain...

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Flexi Freeze Ice Vest

$99.99 from Amazon »

My ex-girlfriend Karen doesn't need a Flexi Freeze cooling vest because the ice in her heart is strong enough to chill her entire chest cavity, but if you do a lot of manual labor, have to wear a heavy costume, or are...

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CUR Smart Band-Aid for Pain Relief

$249 from CUR »

Your watch, your light bulbs, even your fork is smart now, so why not your band-aid? Especially when CUR (pronounced "cure" like a remedy, not "cur" like a mongrel dog) isn't smart because it simply makes your life more...

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Novelty Condom Cases

$8.99 from Amazon »

I don't know if these condom cases are for dudes or ladies, but I do know they're for condoms. Two big fat ones, according to their LA-based artist Jamila Starwater. She also calls them a "great ice-breaker and conversation...

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Magic Tatts 3D Animated Tattoos

Discontinued

Want to make your tattoos come to life without eating hallucinogenic fungi? Then trade the magic mushrooms for some Magic Tatts, temporary tattoos that interact with an accompanying iOS/Android app to create animated...

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Nerdwax Glasses Grip

$12.99 from Amazon »

Glasses-wearing nerds rejoice! Glasses-wearing non-nerds and sunglasses-wearing anyone can do a little jig too if you ever have trouble keeping your specs and shades positioned securely on your face without constantly...

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Spicy Subscriptions Adult Product Boxes (NSFW)

$19.95 - $29 from Spicy Subscriptions »

Gifting a lady a Spicy Subscription sexy time box for Valentine's Day is like giving her a treadmill in that her use of it will directly benefit you, but way better because there will be less lag time before you see the...

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Game of Thrones Temporary Tattoos

$5 - $20 from Etsy »

No girl who applies one of Seventh Skin's Game of Thrones temporary tattoos better get mad at me for staring at her chest. The intricacy, the detail, and the artistry of these short-term odes to Houses Targaryen, Stark...

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Liquid Latex Black Light Body Paint (NSFW)

$99.50 from Amazon »

This Liquid Latex Body Paint Black Light Kit is pretty self-explanatory. I don't have much to say about it. Except that, in perusing the image gallery above...I think I found Waldo. It wasn't even that hard. I mean, before...

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DUBS Advanced Tech Earplugs

$25 from DUBS »

I always wear earplugs when I go out at night. Not only do they protect what little hearing I have left, but if someone ugly comes up and tries to talk to me they also give me an easy out: I just point at my ears, conjure...

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Tattly Designer Temporary Tattoos

$5 - $15 from Tattly »

I think I want to get permanently inked with: a pair of pliers; a pirate ship; a snarling grizzly bear; and a soft-serve ice cream cone, but I'd like to test drive them for a couple days before finalizing the decision....

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Deo Body Odor Candy

Sold Out from Amazon »

Bulgaria. That's the inspiration, the origin, the country we have to thank for Deo, a candy that makes you sweat roses. The Valley of the Roses sits between the Balkan and Sredna Gora mountain ranges in central Bulgaria...

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Finfolk Custom Mermaid Tails

By what magnitude would the awesomeness of mud wrestling increase if all the ladies participating got to wear a Finfolk Productions 100% dragonskin and platinum cure silicone mermaid tail? Muddy, slippery, rolling on...

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Osteoid - 3D Printed Ultrasound Cast

Great. Now kids are going to start breaking one another's arms just so they can get a sick 3D-printed cast with attached bone stimulator to set and heal it. I mean, that's what I'd do if I were a kid. OK, maybe with a...

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HAL Robot Suit - Next Generation Prototype

Japanese robotics company Cyberdyne began their Hybrid Assistive Limb, or HAL trials in 2012. A powered exoskeleton endeavoring to turn humans into cyborg-type robots, HAL has been tested largely in medical facilities...

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Whiskey Dick Lube

Sold Out from Amazon »

Who likes the taste of whiskey? OK, all men put your hands down. Now? Hmmm, all women over the age of 40...no, I'll go 50...and with the exception of Christie Brinkley...put your hands down. So that leaves, what, like...

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Pinky Queen Nipple Lightener (NSFW)

I understand that Pinky Queen nipple...pinkener?...is a boobie beauty tincture developed with a female customer base in mind. And I definitely think females with nipples that are splotchy, unsavorily-hued, or look like...

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Eidos Superhuman Senses Gear

To determine whether or not Eidos has grounds to call itself "superhuman" I forced the gear to undergo rigorous, yet fair, questioning and testing....

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NapAnywhere Pillow

$60.52 from Amazon »

Oh boy, and I think the NapAnywhere pillow looks just enough like a neck brace that I can convince suspicious parties I need it for medical reasons. Let me tell you some things I do not enjoy that will maybe become bearable...

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Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay

$4.99 - $10.50 from Amazon »

The Amazon reviews of Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay--nearly 800 of them!--are so overwhelmingly positive it makes me wonder how I've never before heard of these miraculous bentonite particulates of the earth. Maybe...

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Temporary Eye Tattoos

$4 from Etsy »

I can't tell if these temporary tattoos are attractive or look like someone taped a doily to your eye, but I think girls will like them, so as a nod to girls, I'm going to award Man Nga Liu's makeup alternatives relatively...

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Poundtown Condom

In case there was any confusion, Poundtown Condom vendor Say It with a Condom specifies this particular latex shroud is for "anyone who's a Poundtown regular, or is coming for the first time." Haha, get it? There are...