Philips Sunrise Simulation Alarm Clock

$69.99 from Amazon »

I'll still probably want to Monkey Fist Philips' Wake-up Light to East Jesus when it begins its simulation of the sunrise at 10:30 each morning, but maybe the gradual brightening of my basement lair will remove some of...

Magnetic Wristband

$18 from Amazon »

Magwear has created a Magnetic Wristband for handymen, seamstresses, tinkerers, and people digging lost assembly parts from Christmas morning out of the carpet to use in their maker/builder/cleaner upper pursuits. The...

Akrapovic Full Moon Concept Motorcycle

Akrapovic teamed with Slovenian Dreamachine Motorcycles to design its Full Moon concept bike, a motorcycle that seems to share contemporary pop music's obsession with disproportionately large rear ends....

The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse

$13.83 from Amazon »

In addition to The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse can I get one called The Art of Fighting Indigestion through Christmas Day? From my mama's cinnamon rolls and egg casserole at breakfast to the 6-pack of...

OM/ONE Levitating Bluetooth Speaker

$179.99 from DudeIWantThat.com »

Note: This deal is for a PRE-ORDER of the OM/ONE levitating Bluetooth speaker. All customers who place their orders by January 7, 2015 will receive their speaker by January 30, 2015....

The Cave Inflatable Tent

$615 from Hemiplanet »

I used to climb on a structure shaped like HEIMPLANET's Cave on the playground when I was kid. The Dome of Death me and Cornelius and Victor called it, on account of our attempts to knock off anyone who tried to use it...

Scented Peanut Butter Blossom Necklace

$27.99 from Perpetual Kid »

Peanut Butter Blossoms. They've been a standard in my mama's Christmas cookie repertoire for as long as I've had enough teeth to eat Christmas cookies. I think that basically makes me an expert on what they're supposed...

Ghostbusters Ghost Trap Phone Case

$26.04 - $35.40 from Red Bubble »

I don't know. My phone acts possessed enough without a Ghostbusters ghost trap encasement. The last thing I need on top of frozen screens, 30-minute battery lives, and misfired text messages sent via my right butt cheek...

6' MFi-Certified iOS Lightning Cable

This lightning cable for charging iOS and Android devices is 6' long. That's great news for the 80% of my city's population that plug their phones into random dusty corner outlets in bars and restaurants and waiting rooms...

World's Largest Box of Nerds Candy

$19.99 from Amazon »

This looks healthy. A little grand finale to the Christmas ham and candied yams? (And apple pie, fudge, half a dozen of those Corn Flake cookies dyed green and shaped like wreaths....) The World's Largest Box of Nerds...

The Knockout Beer/Water/Gravity Bong

$30 from The Knockout »

I used to prefer my knockouts served as Fireball shots and right hooks, but this Knockout, a new twist on the beer bong, might leave those standards unconscious and bleeding from the ear on the floor. Designed for attachment...

PowerCube Outlet Expander

$17.95 from DudeIWantThat.com »

The PowerCube is like a power strip, without the ugly, space-consuming strip part. It also adds a pair of USB ports to its trio of 3-prongs. The compact, inconspicuous outlet expander was designed so that inserted plugs...

MudBlade Shoe Scraper

$9.75 from Unikia »

Sure you could use a knife to clean the caked dirt and gunk out of the crevices of your shoes. You could also use a knife to clean the caked dirt and gunk out from under your fingernails. But it's probably not the best...

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SOLOSHOT2 Robot Cameraman

Giveaway: SOLOSHOT2 Robot Cameraman

Film sporting events, daredevil stunts, and scenes from the bedroom without the shakes, the blurs, or losing the action just before the big score. Enter to win a SOLOSHOT2, your personal robot cameraman! A $399 value!...

Femme Fatale Ring Gun

Ladies with a vendetta, or a penchant for jewelry that also serves as a weapon, I'm afraid you can't buy the Femme Fatale Ring Gun. (Unless the person who paid $11,350 for it at auction would be willing to sell it to...

Screwpop Lighter Holder

$11.95 from Amazon »

Screwpop makes a whole series of "clipable" keychain (and zipper and belt loop) tools, but if the Lighter Holder fills its role in life as intended, I would deem it one of the simplest, yet most impressive feats of engineering...

The Golden Douchebag Trophy

$7.99 from Perpetual Kid »

You want tidings of comfort and joy? Well here you go: Merry Christmas, you old Golden Douchebag, you....

Cryptex USB Flash Drive

$49.95 from Amazon »

If Justin Nevins' Cryptex Security Boxes are out of your justifiable price range, Stanislav Tatarinov has another take on the Cryptex theme that might appeal to both your aesthetic and fiscal sensibilities: a Cryptex...

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The Siege Lantern

$34.94 from Amazon »

When the tent's a-rockin', don't go a-knockin'. Bombard them with 360 degrees of extreme LED brightness instead. Right, Pop? The Siege Lantern from Streamlight boasts 5 x C4 power LEDs that output 340 lumens of light....

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Eleventh Hour

Ye draggers of the gluteus maximus out there may not be relegated to--gasp!--leaving your house and buying holiday gifts in person just yet. Below we have accumulated a few non-sucky mail-order offerings that, at printing...

Benchmade Contego Folding Knife

$182.75 from Amazon »

"Contego" is Spanish for "protect" or "shield." Which is ironic since my first order of business, were I to own Bechmade's Contego Folding Knife, would be to use it to tear through others' supposed shields. Boxes from...

The Elements: A Visual Exploration

$11.27 - $23.57 from Amazon »

Paging through The Elements: A Visual Exploration of Every Known Atom in the Universe is almost like going on an acid trip. Bright colors, textured images, constant enlightenment. And when you're finished with it, you...

Portable Tow Truck

$39.99 from Amazon »

Maybe you like to ski, or build snowmen, or throw balls of ice at punk little kids who give your mama's pristinely white front yard a lawn job. Me, I'm not into any of those things. I think winter sucks. And the suckiest...

Batman S&M Mask

$650 from Bob Basset »

Well I guess it's technically the "Batman Mask As It Could Be in 1920" according to designer Bob Basset, but look at that laced-up backside. And its ingredients: leather; brass; and mesh. I think this Dark Knight has...

FLIR Scout Night Vision Monocular

$2,950 from Amazon »

Presumably the FLIR Scout is a higher quality night vision monocular than the Night Owl*. To match its price point, which has been increased by...whoa, tenfold. That's even higher than the sevenfold of God's wrath that...

How to Build a Human Print

$22.32 - $70.68 from ArtSider »

Molecular biologist-turned-designer Eleanor Lutz regularly publishes the science-themed charts, infographics, and illustrations she creates on her blog Tabletop Whale. This How to Build a Human print is her latest brainchild...

Johnnie Walker Mini Bottle Shoes

$489 from Oliver Sweeney »

Mini bottles of Johnnie Walker Scotch Whisky tucked inside the soles of Oliver Sweeney Oxfords. According to the makers of these limited edition Tan Leather Brogues, the shoes are a "footwear first that bring together...

Cabidor Door Storage Cabinet

$190.92 from Amazon »

Behind Door #1 we have...a full-length pantry of Combos and Cap'n Crunch! And Behind Door #1-1/2 we have...a dozen classic NES cartridges, a coupla Koosh balls, and VHS cassettes of the best porn from my childhood (circa...

SingStand Home Karaoke System

Sold Out from Amazon »

I'm not much of a singer but I do enjoy going to the karaoke bar and singing Clarence Carter's smash hit "Strokin'" for all the ladies every now and again. Seems like I'm always one upped by a stocky guy in a flannel...

Executive Knight Pen Holder

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

Your Paper Mate Fine Point Rollerball, my Lord. Yeah. That's how all men of my stature should be handed their pens. Though maybe I would have my bowing-in-reverence Executive Knight hold an UZI Defender tactical model...

Wally Home Hazard Sensing System

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a frozen pipe exploding in the basement! Made better only by the residual moisture it leaves and resultant mold you discover come spring. Wally is a home hazard sensing system devised...

Bronze Elfin Dragon Ear Wrap

$89 from Marty Magic »

A higher quality and US-made alternative to this dragon earring, Marty Magic's Elfin Dragon Ear Wrap is cast in bronze and finely detailed with the elegant wings, formidable scales, and flaring nostrils we've come to...

Nano Light Mini LED Flashlight Keychain

$7.62 from Amazon »

I wouldn't typically brag about something I have that's only 1.47" long, but when it comes to a powerful flashlight I want to attach to my keychain or dangle from my belt loop Streamlight's Nano Light actually gets points...

How to Cook Everything Fast

$23.95 from Amazon »

I think cooking is cool as long as I'm on the receiving end of its spoils. For example, I like fried chicken, smoked brisket, homemade croissants, lasagna, apple hand pies, and those cheesy potatoes with Corn Flakes on...

Whisker Dam Mustache Protector

$20 from Whisker Dam »

They say it's like an umbrella for your face. And also that it's the best dam invention for keeping your whiskers dry. The Whisker Dam sits over a pint of beer (or milk, or triple mocha with extra whipped cream) and prevents...

Afterburner iPhone 6 Battery Case

$40 - $44 from DudeIWantThat.com »

Afterburner cases for iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus super-juice the devices with a 150% charge. Inserting your phone will transform it kind of like raising a sword to the sky transforms Prince Adam into He-Man. Except the...

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Botta-Design NOVA Watch

Giveaway: Botta-Design NOVA Watch

Do you believe in spans of time, not points in time? The big picture more than the details? Or do you just want a really slick modern timepiece from a German physicist-turned-industrial-designer? Then click here and enter...

Ultraloud Titanium Emergency Whistle

$19.95 from Amazon »

One more reason not to whistle at a lady: she might whistle back at you. At 120 decibels like a mother f'ing banshee. NiteCore's NWS10 claims to be the loudest emergency whistle on the market. Based on the above YouTube...

Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist

$11.10 from Amazon »

English majors and word nerds, get your snorts and snickers ready. And everyone else rolling your eyes, get your glasses ready. I'm sure Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist will seem hilarious to you...

Zipper LED Light & Bottle Opener

$5.49 from Amazon »

How about a zipper LED light and bottle opener to complement your zipper knife? One for the jacket zipper, the other for the hoodie zipper, and just like that, instant readiness to light the way back home, crack open...

Waffle & Cookie Bowl Maker

$15.66 from Amazon »

The best part about the Bella Waffle Bowl Maker--I mean aside from the fact that it's a glorious device from heaven that makes waffle bowls--is that it also makes...are you ready?...COOKIE BOWLS. Sometimes when I'm having...

The Dragon Sex Calendar

I can't believe it! Just yesterday I was thinking about cartoon sex--albeit between people, not dragons--and today I find a whole calendar of cartoon sex stills! And you know what: I think the thinking thinks even better...

Electronic Neck Massager

$59.99 from Amazon »

Buying a specialized electronic neck massager is way cheaper than buying a whole electronic massage chair. And although I am sometimes tempted to tell my mama to go right ahead when she threatens to wring my neck just...

GateKeeper Automatic PC/Mac Lock

Sold Out from Amazon »

GateKeeper is a small keyfob that automatically locks your computer when you walk away from it and unlocks it when you return. The GK's USB Lock plugs into a PC or Mac port, users carry its Key on their person, and the...

Single Sentence Film Summary T-Shirts

$28 from Fab »

You might think cinematic masterpieces such as Rocky, Star Wars, Back to the Future, and The Karate Kid are too densely packed with plot and profundity to encapsulate in just one sentence, but Mike Joyce's Stereotype...

Cryptex Security Boxes

$275 - $3k from Cryptex »

Talk about usable art. Justin Nevins' Cryptex Security Boxes might be the most compelling pieces of Keep Your Mitts Off My Stuff I've seen all year. Tactical shelving and hidden doors included. The designer hand makes...

Gerber Money Clip with Blade

$18.59 from Amazon »

As a self defense money clip, Gerber's GDC Money Clip makes a little more sense than this one. Rather than requiring the carrier to remove his money to use it, the GDC sidekick has a 1.75" fine edge stainless steel blade...

BackJoy Posture & Back Comfort Seat

$29.98 - $31.35 from Amazon »

A butt cup? Ten years ago I would have laughed my ass off if someone offered me one. But now that I'm old and decrepit with postural kyphosis and chronic low back pain, that laughing ass can't wait to plop itself down...