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Friday, October 19, 2012
Quadski - Amphibious ATV

A one-person all-terrain vehicle that doubles as a personal watercraft. I don't like these studious, clinical terms for the Quadski, which is better described as a fat amphibious wad of adrenaline with a BMW engine. Gibbs'...

Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Meat Shredders
$14.95 from Williams Sonoma »

Nevermind the meat shredders in the photos, I think I'd pay $14.95 just for a bite of that meat. What is it, pulled pork? Yeah, it's gotta be pork. Nothing but a pig could look so succulent in shredded form. Excuse me for...

Thursday, August 30, 2012
DrunkQuest - A Fantasy Drinking Game
Sold Out from Amazon »

It's Dungeons & Dragons for the boozin' 21+ crowd. DrunkQuest combines fast-paced card game mechanics with shades of the D&D fantasy world with a few 6-packs and a liter or two of Captain Morgan for a party game of competitive entertainment and epic inebriation. Creators Jasn Painter and Athena Cagle of Loot Corps have heard playtesters describe DrunkQuest as "Munchkin with booze", and advocate...

Friday, December 07, 2012
Totoro Cosplay Cloak
$11.63 from Amazon »

Girls next door, meet your neighbor Totoro. And wear him as a cloak. How cute and fuzzy and irresistible you will be together. Skipping down the street. Cuddling in front of the TV. Making me drool at Comic-Con. Totoro is...

Sunday, August 26, 2012
Villain Chair
$7,146 from Firebox.com »

Being a villain isn't cheap. So, like most actors, rock stars, and former Presidents, villains raise funds for the administration of havoc and execution of attempts to rule the world by selling out. The Villain Chair, available...

Friday, February 08, 2013
Airplane Trunk Work Station

And I don't mean the kind of airplane trunk Auntie Heloise carries when she travels. The Blackhawk Secretary Trunk, an all-inclusive, roller work station, is quilted in polished aluminum panels held together with exposed steel screws reminiscent of the nose cones and fuselages of mid-20th-century motorized birdies. Inset drawers lined with black cotton canvas accommodate file and supply storage...

Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Oklahoman - Tornado Relief Aid Condom

All proceeds from the Oklahoman condom will benefit disaster relief efforts in the tornado-struck areas of Moore, OK, and all uses of the Oklahoman condom will benefit disaster prevention efforts in the tornado-a-brewin' areas...

Sunday, January 06, 2013
Trongs - Finger Food Utensils
$4.95 from Trongs »

Obviously I like eating with my hands. It goes with the territory of being a man. Buuut...I really hate when BBQ and Buffalo wing sauce get under my fingernails and into the cuts I have from doing manly things with my hands...

Friday, May 04, 2012
Skyballs - Helium Filled Superballs
Sold Out from Amazon »

What I want to know is, if my friend Gary uses brute muscular force to bounce one helium-and-compressed-air-filled Skyball to its peak height of 75 feet, and my other friend Mitch drops a second Skyball from a balcony 75 feet...

Monday, April 22, 2013
Freeze Dried Meat
$38.19 - $288.99 from Amazon »

Japanese earwax magnifiers, freeze dried meat, Today's Special is: weirdness. Now someone take that mannequin's hat off so he'll stop yammering about sharing and being nice to people. Honeyville Rancher's Cut carnivorous delicacies...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Saturday, March 09, 2013
Zelda Triforce Lamp
$79.95 from Etsy »

True, it is dangerous to go alone, but it is also dangerous to go in the dark. Take a Triforce lamp with you to light the way and remind all you encounter that wisdom, courage, and power are still the keys to Hyrule domination...

Monday, December 24, 2012
Cat Hamster Wheel
$349.99 from Cat Wheel Company »

In a way I hate the idea of the Toy-Go-Round cat hamster wheel because really the only kinds of cats I like are the lazy fat ones that look as if they might go into cardiac arrest if they even stood up. But in another way...

Friday, November 09, 2012
Hellcat Combat Motorcycle

On August 29, 2012, James Hoegh gunned and smoked his Confederate Motorcycles' X132 Hellcat Combat to an average top speed of 172.2 mph on northwestern Utah's Bonneville Salt Flats. It set a new land speed record for unfaired...

Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Mood Lights - Image Projecting Bulbs
$25 - $45 from Etsy »

Felicia of MoodLights created her trippy projection bulbs almost two decades ago in a sweeping display of necessity serving as mother of invention. After her parents denied a plea to paint a mural on her bedroom walls, she...

Thursday, March 07, 2013
Scrabble Rug
$199.99 from SamTimer »

Although most of my anecdotes and personal claims to greatness are complete BS, I swear, what follows is a true story. Two true stories, actually. First, I am a formidable Scrabble player. Second, one time I dated a girl who...

Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Titanium Bottle Opener Sunglasses
$145 from Amazon »

Sunglasses. They can become as iconic as the people whose eyes they cover. Like the ones that Aykroyd and Belushi wore in The Blues Brothers. That Tom Cruise wore in Top Gun. That Ray Charles wore in...life. And now, from...

Thursday, February 07, 2013
Dry Goods Athletic Spray Powder
$16.95 from Amazon »

My first question when Tim Joyce wrote to me about his Dry Goods athletic powder was, "Uh, what's that?" To which he responded, "It's essentially sprayable Gold Bond without the mess." Cool. But of course my second question...

Sunday, April 01, 2012
Carrot Cigarettes

Smooth, full-flavored, and chock full of vitamins, carrot cigarettes fill the void in the health-conscious segment of the tobacco industry. Smokers looking to refine their habit, or live past the age of 60, and non-smokers...

Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Back of the Door Cabinet
$129.95 - $199.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

It's a Back of the Door Cabinet. Seven words, and my work is done....

Thursday, December 13, 2012
Baby Superhero Bib
$12 from Amazon »

"Fool" is such a grand addition to the English language. Mr. T knew what was up. Apparently, bib-wearing babies do too. I knew they were smarter than they look. I bet in actuality they're like a tribe of wee geniuses hiding...

Thursday, January 10, 2013
World's Smallest MP3 Player
$33.90 from Amazon »

An update of theKube, nano MP3 player newKube debuted a few days ago at the 2013 Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas. Improvements to the previous model are based on user feedback, and include an inbuilt equalizer with up to...

Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Urine Powered Batteries

Yes, $62 for six AAs is steep, but they hold their charge for up to 10 years, and, let's face it, you're never going to have trouble finding a couple mils of pee when they need a reboot. NoPoPos (No Pollution Power) are eco-friendly...

Thursday, January 17, 2013
HAPIfork - The Smart Fork
By: Hapilabs

WARNING: Eating too fast leads to poor digestion and fatness. Well. HAPIfork sure has the Appeal to Fear propaganda technique down. Their marketing team must have studied under my grandma. That said, indigestion and fatness...

Thursday, February 28, 2013
Macallan Scotch Meets Oakley Flask
$912 from The Macallan »

Nothing warms my heart more than the marriage of two renowned brands well out of my price range. Here, The Macallan Scotch and rugged apparel and accessories magnate Oakley have collaborated on a tactical, indestructible way...

Thursday, April 25, 2013
Radiation Detecting Watch

Wondering what time it is? Wondering if your face is about to melt off? This tactical Swiss quartz watch with an integrated Geiger-Muller tube has your back. A US military gadget supplier designed the timepiece to measure...

Tuesday, April 09, 2013
Hennessey Venom GT - World's Fastest Hypercar
$1.2 million from Hennessey »

Earning the title of World's Fastest Hypercar...available for consumer purchase...means hitting a top speed of 265.7 mph at the United States Naval Air Station Lemoore in Central California, and claiming to still have the...

Thursday, March 21, 2013
LumiLor Electroluminescent Coating
By: LumiLor

Last time you attended a rave or pimped your ride with EL wire, I bet you thought, "This electroluminescent technology is sick...but I wish I had it in sprayable form." Well, meet LumiLor, the answer to your prayers. LumiLor...

Sunday, February 19, 2012
Indestructible Biometric Wallet
$825 from Dunhill London »

Like the women who fall prey to your Don Juan wiles, the Biometric Wallet opens up to your touch, and your touch alone. It is an equally high-tech and high-fashion financial bodyguard that is virtually indestructible, and...

Wednesday, February 13, 2013
The Avocado Incubator

If you're going to give an avocado the Cuber treatment, you must first acquire an avocado. Now I know one way to accomplish this task entails a simple trip to the grocery store. But we live in a paradoxical age of extreme...

Thursday, January 31, 2013
Ultrasonic Travel Humidifier
$39.99 from Amazon »

Cool kids don't pack heat, they pack humidity. With the aid of any standard screw-top water bottle, the Air-O-Swiss Travel Ultrasonic humidifier will pump your hotel suite or Aunt Jan's spare bedroom full of revitalizing...

Thursday, October 18, 2012
Floating Tablecloth

It seems that until the rest of us figure out how to consistently conquer and defy gravity like David Blaine, floating objects will enjoy a comfortable niche in the market of cool crap. Floating mugs, floating lamps, and here...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012
The Football Briefcase
$499.99 from Urban Mercenaries »

F nuclear codes and attacks. Booze, cards, Red Bull, cash, mints, and first aid are a real man's real tickets to power and life-altering--or at least night-altering--decisions. The briefcase. The weapons. The Football. Reinvented...

Monday, August 15, 2011
AK47 Ice Cube Tray
$4.97 from Amazon »

I wonder what happens if you're choking on an ice cube? I think I would just calmly wait until it melted like a complete gangster. Though last week, I almost choked on my wad of 4 pieces of trident gum and went into hysterics...

Thursday, September 13, 2012
Life-Size Blue Whale Kite
$3,500 from Peter Lynn Kites »

I see your flying squirrel, Flying Dutchman, and flying f@*k, and raise you a flying blue whale! No, make that a life-size flying blue whale. Wind master Peter Lynn's superbly massive kite measures in at over 60 feet long...

Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Credit Card Razor & Mirror
$11.98 from Amazon »

Good thing they didn't let me name this portable, credit-card-sized razor and mirror combo. I would have picked something stupid like Carzor. You know, credit card + razor = Carzor. Like how Brad + Angelina = ...oh wait, what...

Monday, August 06, 2012
Big-O Stunt Skates

Despite their being shaped like big Os, I'm not sure about Big-O as a name for these stunt skates. I'm pretty sure if I were to try them, the words "Big O" would not be at the forefront of my mind. I'd call mine Big I Didn't...

Friday, October 26, 2012
Devon Time Belt Watches
$17,500 - $19,500 from Tourneau »

Devon Timepieces has harnessed the raw, industrial, I-Love-Lucy technology of conveyor belts in their Time Belt series of watches. Each wicked, steampunky wrist ornament has a five-piece belt assembly mounted on a central...

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Tuesday, April 02, 2013
STACT Modular Wine Wall
$129.99 - $149.99 from STACT »

Any wall-mounted apparatus that holds the juice of the gods and resembles the Pachinko game from The Price Is Right earns high marks on my scrutinizing scorecard of things I encounter in life. Fabricated from aircraft-grade...