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Handgun Ice Cube Tray

$9.78 from Amazon »

For the first time ever, if someone offered me a shot of ice or a shot of Jager, I might actually choose the former. This set of 6 handgun-shaped molds packs a cache of ice cold heat that screams, "Freeze, bitches!"before...

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Original Thai Red Bull

$9.27 from Amazon »

Red Bull creator Chaleo Yoovidhya died in March 2012, leaving behind an unparalleled energy drink phenomenon and industry. Not since Coca-Cola and YouTube spectacles involving numerous tabs of Alka Seltzer has a carbonated...

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Glow-in-the-Dark Dog Collar

$49.99 from glowdoggie »

A HALO LED Sport Belt for man, a Glowdoggie LED Collar for man's best friend. The Glowdoggie, a sturdy, German-engineered, 100% waterproof dog collar, helps keep pooches visible or easy to spot in the dark, and when frolicking...

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S**tfaced Horse Wine Bottle Holder

$15.22 from Amazon »

The lesson here is when a racehorse never drinks water and always drinks wine, he doesn't win races, he becomes an alcoholic. And while manufacturer Rivers Edge would have us think we're doing track retiree Stewball a...

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Fangs Mouthguard

Sold Out from Amazon »

Kick ass in the image of MMA Heavyweight Champ Andrei Arlovski, NBA Champ LeBron James, or Blood-Draining Champ Dracula. TITLE's Fang Mouthguard is made from PolyShok, a material they claim has 150% more energy absorbency...

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Super Mario Bros. Toilet Seat

$85 from Etsy »

Every Super Mario Bros. Marathon on the Web deserves a Super Mario Bros. Toilet Seat on the head. Etsy vendor Debra Hughes hand paints these porcelain god lids in pixelated scenes taken from the original Super Mario Bros....

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HALO LED Sport Belt

Sold Out from Amazon »

Even though I would prefer not to get hit by a car, I still have trouble getting stoked about wearing and using reflective devices. Bike lights break or get stolen, patches only work when other lights are around to bounce...

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Steak Button Thermometers

$19.95 from Sur La Table »

In my pursuit to acquire devices that allow me to think and reason even less than I already do, I discovered the Steak Button. A set of 4 thermometers designed specifically for beef on the grill or in the oven, Steak...

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Kama Sutra Chess Pieces (NSFW)

Discontinued

And suddenly, the intense inaction and sporadic finger movements of chess captivate the masses and enamor even those who have no idea what the hell is going on. Erotic chess pieces abound in Etsy vendor Nicola Ford's...

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Giant Steampunk Dragon

$15k from Etsy »

According to artist Kreatworks' Etsy listing, 7,900+ people have seen the thunderous magnificence of their Giant Steampunk Dragon. But if you're one of the billions left on earth who still haven't, check it. Standing...

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Collapsible Shot Glass Key Ring

$6.96 from Amazon »

Collapsible shot glass on a key ring. I think my grandma had one of these. She used to put water from the drinking fountain in it for me when I was still too short to reach the spout. No wonder I've always found the scent...

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Vampire Hunter Trophy Fangs

Sold Out from Etsy »

Abe Lincoln isn't the only one who can spout off at the mouth about his entirely fabricated vampire hunting adventures. I can make shit up just as well as a dead president. For example, I scored this set of vamper fangs...

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Sewer Manhole Cover Pillow

$55 from Etsy »

Whether a New Yorker or not, everyone wants to feel a tangible connection to the NYC sewer system when snuggling up on the couch watching Serendipity or CSI. Forget about a Statue of Liberty lamp or Yankees curtains...

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Kinkajou Bottle Cutter

$49.95 from Amazon »

Kinkajou. The word sounds like it applies to a precocious, yet cuddly, mammalian sidekick that sits on your shoulder and surreptitiously swipes peoples' two-bite brownies and tubes of lip gloss during walks through the...

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Insta-Kilt Towel

$18.99 - $29.95 from Amazon »

I've been wondering would there ever be a way, when I'm extracting sand and the salty ocean from my crevices, or toweling off after a shower, that I could feel as if I'm traipsing through the Scottish Highlands, communing...

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Custom Temporary Tattoos

Jolly Rogers, Hearts that say "Mom", Tweety Birds, sure they're gumball machine classics when it comes to temporary tattoos, but what about getting tatted out for 2 to 3 days in a design that expresses true individuality...

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Video Game Wall Decals

$45 from blik »

8-bit space hasn't just not faded into oblivion, it's been supersized and packaged into decal sets of 65 for constant stimulation as floor-to-ceiling wall decor. Blik's movable and reusable wall decals, based on classic...

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Cookie Monster Pipe

Discontinued

Holy crap, can you imagine how many cookies the Cookie Monster would eat if he were high? Possibly all the cookies in the world. Which in a way would be interesting to witness, but in a bigger way very sad, because then...

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Recycled Ramen Noodle Pouch

$12 from Etsy »

Recycled Ramen noodle soup wrappers transform into zippered pouches for stashing coins, cards, smoking paraphernalia, and...uh, anything else smaller than a Ramen noodle soup wrapper. Packaging is cleaned prior to change...

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USB Metal Business Cards

Here's another idea that could have been mine if I had better ideas: laser-engraved business cards with USB drives. For storing resumes and cover letters. Portfolios of design work, writing, and music. Company sales pitches...

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Leather Akuma Zombie Mask

Sold Out from Etsy »

Nightmares for everyone! And if the menacing mug of this Leather Akuma Zombie Mask isn't enough to creep you out 'til kingdom come, read on to discover where he got his toothy grin....

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Tetris Cushions

$248 from Etsy »

Sometimes when I zone out at my computer or when a boring person is talking to me I see tetrominoes falling and sliding into perfect, explosion-of-Tetris-bonus-points rows of 4. And sometimes when I'm feeling jolly I...

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Giant Inflatable Penis Costume

$28.36 from Amazon »

Something tells me that 90% of the time someone buys a Giant Inflatable Penis Costume, it's to give to someone else. But what's wrong with wanting to walk around dressed as a 7-foot tall penis yourself? I mean, I act...

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Steampunk LED Watch

Sold Out from Etsy »

It's retro-tinged apocalyptic future meets trippy Japanese wristwatch trend in this Steampunk LED Watch. Doctor Who prop maker Nick Robatto conceived and fabricated the chunky cuff from real 4mm leather, resin and brass...

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Sterling Silver Dragon Lamp

As a child, this is what I always imagined Puff the Magic Dragon looked like. Then I got older and found out not only is the song not based on real events, but Peter, Paul and Mary didn't even write it to delight and...

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The Miniature Book of Miniature Golf

$13.43 from Amazon »

For the long golfing season ahead--and in the wake of Tiger's generally poor showing and Jim Furyk's F-up at the 16th tee of a difficult US Open--professional and amateur golfers alike have been scouring the Internet...

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Sorry I Am Such an A**hole Balloon Package

$15 from Just Kidding »

When verbal proclamations and pleading on hands and knees don't work, say it with the written word and helium: Sorry I Am Such an Asshole. It's a balloon package that could rightfully find its way into someone's home...

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Jetovator Water-Propelled Stunt Bike

$8,975 from Jetovator »

I've always wondered what envy in its purest form would look like. Thank you, Jetovator, now I know. In a monumentally sick display of flight and water-walking capabilities typically reserved for superheroes, Chuck Norris...

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USBCell Rechargeable Batteries

Sold Out from Amazon »

The only thing I have to say about these USBCell Rechargeable Batteries is Why don't I own them yet? Is this not a ridiculously brilliant idea? The AAs work just like traditional rechargeable batteries, but instead of...

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Don't Break the Bottle Wine Puzzle

$24.99 from Amazon »

Oh, Dad. You're such a sage. A simultaneous student and master of life. Willing pawn of the golf course, declared slave to the fishing pole. A magnate at the office, a maestro on the grill. Cigar aficionado, connoisseur...

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Giant Inflatable Beach Ball

$149.99 from Amazon »

In a sweeping display of calling a duck a duck, the makers of this plastic sphere that balloons to 10 feet in diameter when injected with air have named their creation: Giant Inflatable Beach Ball. And truly, when I look...

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ZBoard - Weight-Sensing Skateboard

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Like the RYNO One Wheel Motorcycle, the electric, weight-sensing ZBoard won't drop mandibles with its gravity-defying tricks or blow off toupees with its unearthly speeds. But it will make for a simple, significantly...

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Chainmail Bikini Top

$195 from Etsy »

Cosplay, Comic-Con, even the swimming pool. Yes, this handwoven chainmail bikini top is waterproof and primed for a summer of splashing, floating, and breaststroking medieval style. All that's missing is the sea serpent...

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Come In/Go Away Doormat

$38.24 from Amazon »

According to my girlfriend, the Come In/Go Away optical illusion doormat is a cute 'n' clever idea. More importantly, it calms her fear that Eric Northman will go next door to that skank Kelly's house if he shows up one...

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The Barbecue Dining Boat

Here's a practical, $50,000 solution to the conundrum of...ummm...BBQing on float trips without leaving the water? Executing the 1-2 punch of catching and cooking fish to order? Romantic roundtable dining cruises with...

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M16 Rifle BBQ Lighter

Sold Out from Amazon »

I wanted to spend $7,950 on the Colt .45 BBQ Grill, but the tradeoff would have been making my kid go through life with buck teeth and an overbite. So, after much soul searching...$8 grand worth of extensive dental work...

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Dalek Pipe

Discontinued

Now this is just what the Doctor ordered. A Dalek who wants to smoke a few bowls, chill out, and make love (and nachos and microwave brownies) not war. No longer on a mission to "Exterminate!" the only thing the Dalek...

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If You Can Read This Dog Tag

$12 from Etsy »

If you can read this I will lick you. A simple metal disk turns dog collar banality into dog collar hilarity. But how many people take the time to rifle through a dog's tags in search of potential witticisms? I think...

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Liquor Bottle Lock

$15.99 from GoKeyless »

All those times I bring a bottle of vodka to work for lunch and some d-bag from HR sneaks into the freezer and takes a few swigs like I'm not going to notice? Gone. And, at $15.99, the Liquor Lock is way cheaper than...

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OHEA Self-Making Bed

The desire to own an OHEA Super Bed transcends mere laziness because, I'm sorry, I don't care what kind of draught horse you are, making the bed is an enormous pain in the ass. Think of all the people who trip over themselves...

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Rinser - The Water Fountain Toothbrush

$22 from Amron »

My problem is that I'm so busy trying to Think Big that I often forget to Think Rational. Scott Amron obviously does not have this problem. His Rinser Toothbrush, whose tunneled handle serves as a spout that shoots faucet...

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Blacktop 360 Party Hub Grill

Sold Out from Amazon »

Master of the Grill, do you have what it takes to be Master of the Grill, Griddle, Deep Fryer and Warming Plate? The Blacktop 360-Degree Party Grill combines all four methods of heat conduction into one massive, all-inclusive...

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Heat Sensitive iPhone Backing

Discontinued

Welcome back, Hypercolor. This heat-sensitive iPhone 4/4s backing responds to the touch of a hand--or lips or other body parts traditionally reserved for photocopiers--with thermochromic color changes that mirror its...

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Breweries of the United States

According to The Map of United States Breweries, Americans have over seven square feet of wall-coverin' love for beer. In fact, I think the nickname "America's Favorite Pastime" was given to baseball, a sport during which...

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Man Can - Gun Powder Scented Candle

$9.50 from Man Can »

Man Cans. Scented candles for men. No. For Men. Endorsed by Thor, Indiana Jones, and the Dos Equis guy. This one smells like a spent shotgun shell. At $9.50, it also smells like I'm done looking for a Father's Day gift...

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Your Face Zombie & Vampire Hunter Figurines

Discontinued

Looking for an undead-slaying wedding cake topper? How about an ass-kicking Mini Me? Jessica of Etsy's Jess' Shop customizes zombie and vampire hunter figurines with buyers' own faces and clothing specifications to inject...

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I Hate Everything

$7.92 from Amazon »

King, Emperor, Khal, Master and Commander, and Grand Poobah of haters, Matthew DiBenedetti, has immortalized his personality--defined by a comprehensive hatred of everything--in his grand oeuvre of ire, aptly titled I...

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Game of Thrones Replica Iron Throne

$30k from HBO »

Since I'll just be sitting around, withdrawn and forlorn, waiting for Season 3 of Game of Thrones to start anyway, I may as well have some small, $30,000 token of the series to keep me from sinking into irreversible despair...