Giant Swiss Army Knife

Screw light, low-profile, and practical. I live in the USA. I want the biggest and the best. Even if the biggest and the best means so cumbersome and heavy it makes me look like I have a gimp leg when I carry it in my pants pocket. Despite being based in Switzerland, I bet Wenger sells 90% of its Swiss Army Giants in the USA. Why? Because USA = #1.

The other 10% of Swiss Army Giants are probably bought by Canadians, since most of them actually still live in the wilderness and don't rely on computers to do all of their manual labor. They can make legitimate use of the knife's 87 tools capable of performing 141 different Man Tasks.

To be fair about these statistical claims, though, I should also point out that the total number of Swiss Army Giants Wenger sells to anyone, anywhere in the world is likely around 12. No, let's say 10 so I don't have to screw with decimals. The 9, 3-1/4" x 8-3/4" knives proudly displayed on the desks of American CEOs, and the 1 helping a Canuck saw down a quarter square mile of forest and build a hockey rink for his kids each cost an eye-extracting $1,400.

$1,400. I could get real survivalist's gear (like the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit and the Portable Survival Rifle) for that much. Also, the monstrosity weighs almost 3 pounds. Can you imagine trying to clip the jagged edge off your pinky with a 3-pound nail clipper, or tighten the screws on a cheap-ass IKEA bookshelf with a 3-pound screwdriver? And don't tell me the Giant is meant to be a collector's item. Swiss Army knives are tools! Utilitarian by their very definition. A collector's item connotes the complete opposite. Something that is intended never to be used. Or even touched. An item with no real purpose whatsoever.

So why is the Swiss Army Giant here if I hate it so much? Well. Because I don't hate it. I kind of love it. I mean, look at it. It's huge. Eighty-seven separate flick-and-go gadgets. There's nothing else like it. And I'm American. USA#1.

Want to know what implements the knife includes? OK, but let me just say I deserve a trip to Boracay Island, or a kiss from Buffy for the carpal tunnel I'm about to get typing this manly man's epic wet dream. With tongue, Slayer!

• 2.5" 60% Serrated locking blade
• Nail file, nail cleaner
• Corkscrew
• Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter
• Removable screwdriver bit adapter
• 2.5" Blade for Official World Scout Knife
• Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter
• Removable screwdriver bit holder
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
• Magnetized recessed bit holder
• Double-cut wood saw with ruler (inch & cm)
• Bike chain rivet setter, removable 5mm allen wrench, screwdriver for slotted and philips head screws
• Removable tool for adjusting bike spokes, 10mm hexagonal key for nuts
• Removable 4mm curved allen wrench with philips head screwdriver
• Removable 10mm hexagonal key
• Patented locking philips head screwdriver
• Universal wrench
• 2.4" Springless scissors with serrated, self-sharpening design
• 1.65" Clip point utility blade
• Philips head screwdriver
• 2.5" Clip point blade
• Golf club face cleaner
• 2.4" Round tip blade
• Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, can opener
• Golf shoe spike wrench
• Golf divot repair tool
• 4mm allen wrench
• 2.5" blade
• Fine metal file with precision screwdriver
• Double-cut wood saw
• Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges
• 12/20-Gauge choke tube tool
• Watch caseback opening tool
• Snap shackle
• Mineral crystal magnifier with precision screwdriver
• Compass, straight edge, ruler (in./cm)
• Telescopic pointer
• Fish scaler, hook disgorger, line guide
• Shortix laboratory key
• Micro tool holder
• Micro tool adapter
• Micro scraper - straight
• Micro scraper - curved
• Laser pointer with 300 ft. range
• Metal saw, metal file
• Flashlight
• Micro tool holder
• Philips head screwdriver 1.5mm
• Screwdriver 1.2mm
• Screwdriver .8mm
• Fine fork for watch spring bars
• Reamer
• Pin punch 1.2mm
• Pin punch .8mm
• Round needle file
• Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle
• Removable tool holder
• Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights
• Flat philips head screwdriver
• Chisel-point reamer
• Mineral crystal magnifier, fork for watch spring bars, small ruler
• Extension tool
• Spring-loaded, locking flat nose-nose pliers with wire cutter
• Removable screwdriver bit holder
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 0
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 1
• Phillips head screwdriver bit 2
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.5mm x 3.5mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 0.6mm x 4.0mm
• Flat head screwdriver bit 1.0mm x 6.5mm
• Magnetized recessed bit holder
• Tire tread gauge
• Fiber optic tool holder
• Can opener
• Patented locking screwdriver, cap lifter, wire stripper
• Reamer/awl
• Toothpick
• Tweezers
• Key ring

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