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Push Pull Rotate Doorknobs

$15.70 - $53.70 from Amazon »

Brinks' Push Pull Rotate Door Locks allow for knob operation and open sesame access hands-free. So you can still get in and out when your arms are full. Or your hands are dirty. Or it's one of those days your fingers...

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Mini CCTV Screw Camera

Sold Out from Amazon »

It's a screw cam! No, not that kind...well. What you use it for is up to you, I guess. But I'm calling it a screw cam because this miniature CCTV camera looks like the piece of hardware--a simple screw just minding its...

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The Crook-Catcher Deluxe Thief Detection Kit

$59.99 from Amazon »

Stapler, sodie, and steak sandwich stealers of my office (and the world!) beware. You have been marked. And I promise, with my keen detective skills and 9-LED UV flashlight, I. Will. Find you....

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Fire Extinguisher Ball

$64 from Amazon »

In a way, AFO makes a fireball you can sling at your enemies to fight them off. But here your enemies won't be Goombas or Sagat, they'll be the flaming tongues of a stove fire or tipped-over candle, and your fireball...

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The Espire Gas Mask

Carlos Schreib created the Espire respirator for professional varnishers and chemical engineers who don't want to work with a heavy filter over their mouth or walk around the office looking like an evil steampunk doktor....

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The Fortress Luxury Safe

$128,800 from Doettling »

I sure hope German safe manufacturer Doettling's Fortress lives up to its "safest luxury safe in the world" claims because there's no way any owner of one is going to be able to keep it hidden, discreet, or installed...

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Spiked Sprinkler Head Hide-A-Key

$12.99 from Amazon »

Not that a good ol' rock doesn't still work just as well, but this sprinkler head version of the hide-a-key expands the options for people who have more grass than stone cover in their yard. The lockout preventer has...

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Firemask Emergency Escape Hood

Sold Out from Amazon »

I feel like, for the average American, the likelihood of experiencing a house fire is way higher than the likelihood of experiencing a nuclear biological chemical situation, but it's gas masks that get all the bug out...

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Wine Bottle Fire Extinguisher

$149.95 from Wine Enthusiast »

Bad news: this Wine Bottle Fire Extinguisher is not a real wine bottle. Good news: it is a real fire extinguisher. I got my mama one for Christmas and it has all the same heft and handles and gauges as the traditional...

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Concealed Storage Mirror

$489.99 from Amazon »

Ladies, no mirror will dare say Snow White is the fairest of them all when it catches wind of what you're ready to pull out from behind its glass. This 60" wall-mounted red herring conceals a full-length storage cabinet...

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First Alert 2-Story Escape Ladder

$34.97 from Amazon »

If you don't live in a high-rise building, and you're not Tom Cruise jonesing for stunt work at 53, you don't need to spend the money on a rescue parachute or <a href="/outdoors/tools/skysaver-rapelling-rescue-backpack.

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The Red Herring Secret Safe

$349 from Amazon »

If the number of Air Vent Safes you have installed in your house is starting to look a little fishy, balance out the trickery and keep your valuables just as secure locked inside Console Vault's Red Herring Wall Safe....

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Air Vent Hidden Safe with RFID Lock

$219.99 from Amazon »

Tough tamales if you're looking for air circulation this summer, but here at least your cash, Glock, and Chewbacca bandolier signed by all passengers of the Millennium Falcon will be hidden away and protected. It's Quick...

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Audio Jammer with White Noise Generator

$137.24 from Amazon »

I'm not a spy and I'm not up to no good. Relatively speaking. But what I am is a man who values his privacy. A man who doesn't need his mama bugging his room with some sensor system she bought off QVC to listen to him...

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Tactical Walls Inserts & Concealment Covers

$120 - $490 from Tactical Walls »

Although the word "tactical" has become as overused as the word "awesome", Tactical Walls reminds us there are still times when it can be applied meaningfully and justifiably. And also awesomely. Tactical Walls are inserts...

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FakeTV Burglar Deterrent

Sold Out from Amazon »

Home automation, cameras that let you play with your dog while you're at work, smartphone-controlled burglar alarms...I just want something simple. Something Kevin McCallister would have put to good use in Home Alone....

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Scout HD Security Camera

The makers of Atticus Finch's favorite home security system, Scout, are expanding their family. One of their forthcoming arrivals, the Scout HD Camera, is a 1080p, WiFi-enabled, "burglar-beating machine" intended to simply...

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Door Jammer Portable Security Device

Sold Out from Amazon »

I've always liked the simplicity and practicality of that Add-a-Lock portable door lock, but this Door Jammer device looks even easier to use. Just wedge it under any inward opening door and give it a kick. It also appears...

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Biometric Safe

$159 from Amazon »

It's pretty simple: your valuables; your safe; your fingerprint. BARSKA's biometric guardian of cash, firearms, last wills and testaments, and treasures you stole from Smaug allows keyless access only to those with the...

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iFingerLock - Fingerprint Padlock

Sold Out from Amazon »

I have exactly two recurring dreams. One is about 12th grade calculus and my having to take a final exam even though I did not realize I was signed up for the class, and the other is about not being able to remember my...

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Nest Protect Semi-Pleasant Smoke Alarm

$139.99 from Amazon »

I'm not on the best of terms with my smoke alarm. First it fell from the ceiling and went off. Then I left a few pounds of bacon in the skillet for too long and it went off. Then I had this girl over to watch Major League...

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August Digital Door Lock

$349.66 from Amazon »

We've seen a lot of smartphone-controlled devices taking on home security lately--from the Scout full home security system to DoorBot, a camera-digital locking system combo that shows who's at the door and allows homeowners...

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Door Stop Alarm

$10.99 from Amazon »

This 120 dB door stop alarm could be good for traveling I guess, but if all the mean-spirited friends and family members I know figured out I was using one to protect my bedroom from their snooping eyes and fingers, I...

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Scout - Hassle-Free Home Security System

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ADT had better either step up its game or get ready for retirement because with all of the user-controlled, smartphone-based home security systems trickling onto the market it won't be long now until third-party remote...

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Pacsafe Anti-Theft Bag & Backpack Mesh

$56.95 - $99.99 from Amazon »

Even secured inside a Pacsafe, I'm not sure I'd tie my backpack up to, say, a bike rack or a telephone pole and take off on a tour of Prague luggage-free for the afternoon, but I do approve of the eXomesh-cage-and-lock...

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The Brief Safe

$24.99 from Amazon »

Uh, those are gross. And while I know gross is the fundamental point of a poo-stained pair of briefs with a hidden, Velcro-sealed compartment in the fly...dude...those are gross. And it gets worse: according to The Brief...

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Laser Tripwire

Sold Out from Amazon »

If you just want people to keep the F out, get an Add-a-Lock. But if you want them to believe for a split second that they have successfully encroached your space, only to disrupt the blaze of an invisble light that in...

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Canary - User-Controlled Smart Home Security

$177.49 - $194.95 from Amazon »

Sandy D. Dude Product Tipped us off to the Canary user-controlled smart home security device with the pitch that it "will phone you if it notices unusual activity in your home," and, if that's not enough of a draw, you...

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Throwable Fire Extinguisher

They call it a reverse Molotov cocktail, nomenclature I find very slick, and thereby reason enough to invest in a throwable fire extinguisher. Plus, although I'm normally more one to fan the flames, I also recognize that...

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Add-A-Lock Portable Door Lock

$21.95 from Amazon »

The Add-A-Lock does one better than the portable intruder alarm: it won't just alert you when your one night stand tries to sneak back into your bedroom to sucker you into a committed, long-term relationship during which...

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Burglar Blaster

$595 from Burglar Blaster »

Burglar Blaster, the DIY Home Security System, Scenario 1: It's late. You're in the living room watching your DVR of Michigan about to bone it in the tournament after two rounds of respectable action (sorry, Cornelius...

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Instant Home Marijuana Test Kit

$7.27 from Amazon »

My company doesn't do drug testing because it recognizes that recreational weed use has far less of an impact on an employee's ability to perform well at work than, say, the office kegerator that gets tapped every Friday....

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DoorBot Smartphone Video Doorbell

$189 - $339 from Christie Street »

Last week I recounted my triumphant tale of Scrabble domination over a girl I once dated. At that time, I literally had not seen...or even really thought about...this girl for at least 3 years. But then I wrote about...

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SelectaDNA Human Marking & Tracking Guns

Genetics always triumph in the end. In the case of the SelectaDNA High Velocity DNA Tagging System, pellet-sized building blocks of life fire from either a pistol or a rifle at a target up to 100 to 130 feet away--typically...

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Tactical Whistle

$12 - $22 from CRL Products »

Never one to pass up the opportunity to protect myself or promote hearing loss, I think I'll take a Cybernetic Research Labs Tactical Whistle in every color. I'll give the pink one to the next girl I ask out as assurance...

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HitchSafe Key Vault

$49.18 from Amazon »

The HitchSafe Key Vault: Because there's no better place to stash your singles in the event of spontaneous strip shows on the Platinum Stage Hitch Pole. Also, it can safely guard spare house and car keys, as well as mind...

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Life Armor Disaster Shelter

$5k from Seikoh »

The recent, tragic path of Hurricane Sandy reminds us that disaster planning shouldn't just be relegated to theoretical discussions and jokes about Zombie Apocalypses. Seikoh's Life Armor Disaster Shelter can accommodate...

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Chick-A-Dee Smoke Detector

Sold Out from Amazon »

Historically, birds have been used to do a lot of man's dirty work. Roosters wake our lazy behinds up. Doves and carrier pigeons battle the elements to deliver our correspondences. Canaries sacrifice their lives alerting...

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BedBunker Safes

$3,150 - $6,680 from BedBunker »

Do you know, BedBunker, how long it's taken me to find an acceptably secure and clandestine means of stashing my mint condition Transformers and GI Joes? Do you know how many potential thieves I've had to ward off, or...

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Portable Intruder Alarm

$12.97 from Amazon »

A 3" x 1" alarm that attaches to any door or window, and fires a powerful siren if anyone enters. It's the perfect companion for travelers, people with nosy mothers and girlfriends, and the inexplicably paranoid. In addition...

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Lipstick Pepper Spray

$4 - $12.93 from Amazon »

Pucker up, 'cause this big, fat, sloppy, wet one's landing right in the kisser! Ladies, we know all of your lip services are killer, but add a tube of lipstick pepper spray to your beauty routine, and they'll also be...

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Vampire Slaying Kit

Sold Out from Etsy »

In some cases, an obsession has gone too far when someone ends up dead. In this case, the obsession is already dead, and you are simply protecting yourself from it, so don't let any of those self-righteous SOBs who think...

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LCD Panel Peephole

$125.93 from Amazon »

For hosts, no more contracting pink eye or ocular herpes from smooshing your cornea against the peephole. For guests, no more wondering how much worse your wide hips or severe jaw line look magnified and distorted on...

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Maze Door Chain Lock

$49.99 from ThinkGeek »

Equally adept at keeping your more retarded friends locked in as getting them all killed in a fire, the Defendius Labyrinth Security Lock is a pretty cool concept. Wouldn't this be better for impeding entry to keep all...