Miscellaneous

Star Wars Pipes

$59 - $75 from Etsy »

One good way to bring the Dark Side and the Light Side together is to get them all stoned. What, we're fighting? I'm trying to eradicate you from the galaxy? OK, well...why don't we order some deep dish pizzas...and a...

Bed Fan with Wireless Remote

$168.73 from Amazon »

I've always thought how nice it would be to have a cool, consistent breeze blowing up my shorts. I'm actually in the process of developing my own take on Air Jordans, called Air Up There Jordans. They'll have a ring-shaped...

White Castle Slider Scented Candle

$11.99 from Amazon »

I don't think there is a fast food item on the planet more polarizing than the White Castle slider. You either love them and eat 2 dozen on a dare the night before your wedding and then spend the entire reception puking...

I Will Not Be Your Father Condom

Nice. A condom to carry my message to all the unborn children in the world. Attention would-be zygotes! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FATHER!...

NYC Taxi Drivers Beefcake Calendar

$14.99 from NYC Taxi Calendar »

See, ladies, why waste time exacting revenge upon your ex-boyfriend when you could be spending it pursuing one of these hot transportation professionals as your new boyfriend? The 2014 NYC Taxi Drivers Beefcake Calendar...

Natural Sunrise Alarm Clock

$350 from Amazon »

Some people believe that a blaring alarm shattering the silence of our slumber and tearing our eyes open in the still-blackness of a winter morning isn't so good for the body. Philips, makers of the Wake-Up Light and...

Grasshopper Vaporizer Pen

$99 - $145 from Grasshopper »

Ha! More proof that if pens wish to avoid extinction they better start bringing more to the table than a barrel full of ink! In fact, Grasshopper makes the biggest leap of all--the one I've been waiting for: it eliminates...

Adventure Medical Kits Trauma Pack

$19.99 from Amazon »

When I was 6 years old my babysitter forced me to sit on a skateboard with her and roll down the ominously steep street on which we lived. About halfway to the bottom my suspicions that her idea was a terrible one and...

$10 Million Human Regenerator for Anti-Aging

$557k - $10 million from The Human Regenerator »

Well, $10 million is the price for the super deluxe, diamond-encrusted model of The Human Regenerator. Bargain hunters who are OK with regenerating unsound cells, strengthening their immune systems, and enhancing skin...

Identity Theft Protection Rubber Stamp

$16.43 from Amazon »

So what you're saying is that this simple stamp could be the solution to ridding myself of the 8' piles of credit card offers and guaranteed ways to pay off my student loads in 6 months and weird notices about taxes or...

Aero Sphere Fan

$111.39 from Amazon »

I feel like the Aero Sphere fan, a sculptural household appliance imported from Japan, holds the power to blow more than cool air. Like all we have to do is play with it long enough--or figure out how to unlock a level--and...

Mystery Boxes

$40.39 - $56.59 from Firebox.com »

Mystery Boxes are the win-win gift. They make the tedious purchasing and giving process only a molecule more strenuous and demanding of thought than buying a gift certificate to Best Buy or Chick-fil-A, yet their effect...

Comfort-U Total Body Pillow

$99.95 from Amazon »

Why is it that every photo I could find of this Comfort-U Total Body Pillow depicts a lady using it? Do men not want to experience the soothing, womb-like coziness of a giant stuffed parabola? Do we eschew the possibility...

Scooter Luggage

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know how practical zooming through the terminal atop my scooter-fitted carry-on would be in LAX or ATL, but the next time I get delayed by a snowstorm in Des Moines, drag racing with the courtesy transporters...

Sodium Acetate - Hot Ice

$9.50 from Amazon »

They call it hot ice because sodium acetate is extremely unstable (probably moody and demanding too) and begins hardening immediately as it drops below its melting point of 58.4 to 58 degrees C (about 136.5 to 137 degrees...

Shine 24K Gold Rolling Papers

Sold Out from Amazon »

Shine and its 24K Gold rolling papers add a new action to the ever-growing list of Things You Can Do with Gold. Currently populated by: 1) Eat it; 2) Shit it; and 3) Buy expensive things with it, stoners and recreational...

Vornado Super Fan

$96.77 from Amazon »

I don't know why Vornado needs four words--Whole Room Air Circulator--to describe what I can sum up in two: Super Fan. Truly. I've had many occasions on which to use one of these compact wind makers, namely any time my...

Rolet Triple Barrel Pipe

Discontinued

Rolet (roll-ay, like Nube and ole!) is the triple barrel shotgun for pacifists. Really. It loads. It fires. It smokes. And I'd argue that using it will make you feel way better for way longer than shooting something....

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ChiliPad - Cooling & Heating Mattress Pad

$399 - $999 from Amazon »

This visual sales pitch for the Chilipad, a mattress cover that can cool or heat his and her respective halves of the bed, might be my favorite photo I've seen all summer, and no one is even naked or wielding a sword...

Foldaway Bunk Beds

$329.99 - $349.99 from Amazon »

Haha, that dude in the bunk bed looks like the creepy 50-year-old who goes back to college during his mid-life crisis and tries to re-enact his glory days by moving into the dorms and chasing around co-eds his daughter's...

Take-A-Seat Hitch Bench & Carrier

$225 from Take-A-Seat »

Obviously the most important element of tailgating is drinking. No one ever forgets to bring beer to the tailgate. Or the picnic. Or the post-outdoor-adventure celebration. We do, however, sometimes forget chairs. Or...

Hand-Carved Incredible Hulk Nickel

By: Ebay »

Q: How does Shaun Hughes turn the buffalo side of a Buffalo nickel into an Incredible Hulk hobo with his bare hands?...

Archer Macho-Scented Room Sprays

$14 from archer »

Archer's macho-scented room sprays have a lofty goal: putting a positive spin on the statement that a place smells like 5 guys living in a 2-bedroom apartment. Can they succeed? I don't know, but hauling out scents such...

Baseball Hat Wash Cage

$7.95 from Amazon »

My preferred method of baseball hat maintenance is wearing them until they smell like the inside of a boxing glove and have mosaics of sweat and dirt encircling their dome, and then taking them for a dunk when I happen...

Multi-Position Pillow

Sold Out from Amazon »

When I think of a multi-position pillow, I don't necessarily think of sleeping better...or, ahem, sleeping at all...but if this Better Sleep head rest can do as it claims, and prevent my awaking from an otherwise pleasant...

Nitinol Shape Memory Paper Clip

$14.08 from Grand Illusions »

Nitinol. It's kind of like Rain Main. Has an infallible memory and a habitual state to which it always returns precisely and without fail, but...it doesn't deal with deviations from what it knows very well. Also, it is...

SONTE Window Film - App-Controlled Shades

By: Sonte »

Wi-Fi enabled digital shades that apply to glass surfaces as a 0.4mm thick film, and turn from clear to opaque in a single second at the touch of a button. I'm not easily impressed by things that aren't edible or boobies...

Mud Jugs - Spill-Proof Spittoons

$19.95 - $39.95 from MudJug »

I personally don't dip because I've always thought you have to be a baseball player or type of male who doesn't sob uncontrollably and beg for help from the Baby Jesus upon chewing anything that burns more than a stick...

The Oklahoman - Tornado Relief Aid Condom

All proceeds from the Oklahoman condom will benefit disaster relief efforts in the tornado-struck areas of Moore, OK, and all uses of the Oklahoman condom will benefit disaster prevention efforts in the tornado-a-brewin'...

Sad Shop Graduation Cards

$5 from Etsy »

I do not like jobs. It's a greeting card that speaks the truth. For graduates...for me...for you, I bet to, 'ey? Sad Shop's Katie Davis may have designed her whimsical well wishes for those bidding sayonara to the lazy...

The Baby Hanger

$39.99 from Mommysentials »

The Baby Hanger. A design so utilitarian, yet so uproariously hilarious, that I almost want to acquire an infant just so that I can hook it on a bathroom stall. Check out the gaping mouth and dangling legs on that kid....

Yoda Pipe

$330 from MJ42 »

Yoda pipe? Yes, I'll take one. I will also take one six-piece Chicken McNugget, a dozen Doritos Locos tacos, a deep dish pepperoni pizza with extra sauce, and three large Oreo Mint Blizzards. Thank you, and Happy 4/20....

Alice in Wonderland Caterpillar & Hookah

Sold Out from Etsy »

Needle-felted Absolem, blue, hookah-sucking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland, you look a little too real for me. If I got high I would definitely try to converse with and befriend you. I might do that even if I weren't...

Life-Size Minecraft Creeper

$400 from Etsy »

Personally, I'd be opposed to cuddling with one of these Creeper SOBs, but maybe Minecraft fans who have better reconciled the differences between pixelated computer screen graphics and real life will appreciate the whimsy...

Hail Protector for Automobiles

$312 - $412 from Hail Protector »

"Are you tired of being a victim of hail and living in fear of hail damage?" That's, no joke, Hail Protector's opening line. I think they stole their copy from a domestic violence Website. Let's see what else: "...pounding...

Undead Teds - Your Bear, Zombified

$110 - $140 from Undead Teds »

Whoa. I thought the scariest thing I'd ever seen was a real live British boy who looks like Chucky, but Undead Teds have staged a coup and now reign supreme. Even if they don't have the same bone-chilling, soprano accent....

Blue Light Experiment Kit

$12.70 from Amazon »

The Cool Blue Light Experiment Kit teaches inquisitive minds about chemiluminescence and the rest of us how to make our arms glow without killing and dismembering a firefly. Weee! Using copper sulfate, perborate, and...

Mr. Tea Greeting Card

$6.54 from Donkey »

The Mr. says real men drink tea, fool! But first, they graciously receive it from a loved one, embedded in a gaudily appointed, blinged out greeting card. Mr. Tea imparts well wishes, kudos, sympathies, and good old Wazzups...

Mario Piranha Plant Glass Pipe

Discontinued

If you "fertilize" it properly and approach it from the right end, not only will the Piranha Plant not kill you, it will actually ease any pain you may have, and make you feel blissfully content. Though also maybe hungry...

Prank Pack Fake Gift Boxes

$7.99 from Amazon »

Liven up the holidays--at least for yourself--with Prank Packs, fake gift boxes with intricately detailed photos and explanations of products just bizarre enough to be ridiculous, but just believable enough in enterprising...

Year of the Dead Zombie Lingerie Calendar

Sold Out from Amazon »

On the one hand, we don't really need 2013 calendars since we're probably not going to live to see 2013, but on the other hand, the Year of the Dead calendar brims with extremely hot and voluptuous zombie ladies in lingerie...

Medieval Weapons Push Pins

$10.99 from Amazon »

Now that you have a sword handle umbrella and a sword handle frying pan, it's time to continue the trek toward total sword-handled-houseware domination with these sword handle (plus an axe!) push pins. The Medieval Weapons...

Bubble Wrap Calendar 2013

Sold Out from Amazon »

One Bubble Wrap Calendar reviewer on Amazon recommends abstaining from an entire month of daily extra-large bubble popping satisfaction, and then at day 30 or 31 (fine, or 28) running your thumb down the whole row of...

Starship Earth - 3D Star Atlas

$518 - $1,616 from Yanko Design »

Not everyone can be like former 'N Sync definition of awesome, Lance Bass, and make a very public, failed attempt to ride in the space shuttle, but everyone (well, everyone with $500 to $1,600) can gaze at the stars from...

In-Home Fireworks Theater

$249.99 from Gizmine »

With this In-Home Fireworks Theater, you can now say, "Happy New Year!", "Happy Birthday, America!", and "Happy Sweet 16, spoiled brat with a rich daddy!" 365 days a year. From the comfort of your own living room, no...

Shut Up Tape

$12.38 from Atypyk »

Termed "66 meters of absolute silence" the Shut Up Tape is made in France, apparently by people who speak English, and probably by people who have these types of antagonistic thoughts about Americans regularly. Which...

Decapitated Horse Head Pillow Case

$11.83 from Amazon »

The Godfather. Like drinking beer with your bros, the phrase "That's what she said," and John Stamos, it never gets old. And now you too can play Don Corleone to your favorite (or most despised) Jack Woltz--minus the...

Glow-in-the-Dark Duct Tape

$8.79 from Amazon »

This duct tape, cleverly named Duck Tape, glows in the dark. So when you apply it to the passed out drunk guy's chest hair this Halloween, it looks more festive and in the spirit of the holiday. Also might help with the...