Miscellaneous

Screwpop Hit Kit

$24.95 from Amazon »

They call the Screwpop Hit Kit a "personal herb tool," which sound like a major clash of the dialects to me. Urban Dictionary meets corporate PR lingo that won't offend my Aunt Jan. Or how 'bout this SAT-ready analogy:...

Please Hide Packages from Husband Doormat

$17.99 from Amazon »

Hopefully if you're the wisecrackin' kind of lady - or dude - who sets out a Please Hide Packages from Husband Doormat, you're also clever enough to set out an appropriate place for the UPS and postal workers to hide...

SleepBank Sleep Frequency Machine to Fall & Stay Asleep

$429 from Amazon »

If the SleepBank is to be believed, a couple weeks with its Sleeping Frequency Technology emissions, and you'll start having Baby Jesus-level sleeps in heavenly peace...

Infrared Sauna Blanket

$101.79 - $117.39 from Amazon »

This infrared sauna blanket says it will amp up your beauty sleep. Designed like a sleeping bag - or a body bag, if that's where your dark mind goes - the portable sauna heats up to a static and relatively gentle 85 degrees...

Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat

$22.99 from Amazon »

I'd call the Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat the ultimate Dad joke, but Dad would never be so rude to a visitor. And Dad would never wish a visitor to go away, even salespeople, and Mormons who want to teach him about...

Woo Warmer - Under-Rug Electric Floor Heat Mat

$134.85 - $249.85 from Amazon »

Dudes, are you ready to warm your woo? Or should I say, warm your boo's woo? The Woo Warmer is an electric floor heat mat that slides under any area rug or carpet to transfer up to 115 degrees of toastiness to the toes...

McDonald's Quarter Pounder Scented Candle Pack

Huh. I woulda thought scented candles would be something they'd make to cover up the smell of McDonald's Quarter Pounders in your home. But I guess that's if you're making candles for wives and mamas who don't want aromas...

SNOOZ White Noise Sound Machine

$79.99 from Amazon »

I found the SNOOZ white noise sound machine because I'm on a business trip*, and holy mother freighter did I sleep bad last night. Up at 2 a.m. and then again at 5 a.m. listening to a cacophony of rail squeal conducted...

MySmartBlinds - Blinds Automation Kit

$159 from Amazon »

I wouldn't say I have blind(s) faith in the MySmartBlinds Automation Kit, but I do really, really want them to work. Not because I'm too lazy to open my own damn blinds or want a fully pimped out smart home, but because...

Physio Logic Fever-Bugz - Stick-On Fever Indicators

$6.34 from Amazon »

Physio Logic Fever-Bugz monitor whether your kids (or you) need more cowbell in 2-degree increments for up to 48 hours per sticker. Fever-Bugz aren't thermometers per se, but for parents who want to check and monitor...

Just Text Us Doormat

$44.98 - $54.98 from Etsy »

"Just text us when you're here. No need to get the dogs involved." Whether you're a pet owner or not, this doormat sends a relatable message. And since anyone who comes over is certainly on their phone right up to the...

Industrial Pipe & Wood Breakfast in Bed Tray & Lap Desk

$39.99 from Amazon »

From breakfast in bed to lazy Sunday mornings when you still have to work on those damn spreadsheets, this decidedly masculine industrial pipe and wood tray and lap desk has Valentine's Day gift for him branded all over...

Sheets & Giggles Eucalyptus Lyocell Sheets

$97.90 - $187.90 from Amazon »

Level up your pillow talk game with some Sheets & Giggles. The bed sheet sets are made of lyocell, a type of rayon the Denver-based company creates entirely from sustainable eucalyptus trees grown on biodiverse plantations...

SwitchBot Curtain - Automate Any Curtain Rod or Rail

$75 - $199 from SwitchBot »

SwitchBot Curtain is the newest addition to the SwitchBot family of tiny retrofit devices you can boop! onto common household items to make them smart. In this case, the SwitchBot Curtain slips onto any style of curtain...

Fold-Flat 2-Step Stool

$42.52 from Amazon »

Step 1: grow 8.5". Step 2: grow 8.5" more. And guess what kids, neither step involves eating vegetables! This fold-flat 2-step stool from Richards Homewares gives a boost to everyone from kiddos at the bathroom sink to...

Unleash the Kraken Male Vibrator (NSFW)

$19.99 from Amazon »

While we normally think of the kraken as wielding tentacles of asphyxiation and death, what if in fact the giant squid is all about pleasure? What if his tentacles, as they appear willing and able to do in this male vibrator...

Ergonomic Smart Music Pillow

$189.99 from Amazon »

Great. As much as I like the idea of an ergonomic smart music pillow to support my old man neck with 90D high-density memory foam, just take a gander at this angled, contoured mess. The PILO pillow looks like a complex...

Spaced-X Serpent Water Pipes

$299.89 - $799.89 from Spaced-X »

The serpent is at it again. This time, though, its temptation is a pair of snaking, maze-like water pipes, since it knows you'll need more than an apple to succumb to Original THCin (that said, in a pinch, you can bore...

Victor M1 Smart-Kill Wi-Fi Electronic Mouse Trap

$37.96 from Amazon »

The Victor M1 Smart-Kill Wi-Fi Electronic Mouse Trap attempts to lure you into buying one of their "humane, high-voltage" rodent exterminators with promises of instant kill alerts sent to your mobile device! Oh the anticipation!...

LightDims Black Out Edition - Light-Blocking LED Covers

$4.95 from Amazon »

It's lights out - all lights out - with LightDims Black Out Edition. These light-blocking LED covers are designed specifically to mask the lights on your laptop / desktop computer, appliances, and other electronics. The...

Nature's D*ck Pics 2020 Wall Calendar

$19.99 from Amazon »

Ring in 2020 long and strong with Nature's D*ck Pics, a 2020 wall calendar here to help you stand tall, and hit the year hard and head first...

Smartphone-Controlled Ultra-Quiet Garage Door Opener

$268 from Amazon »

I was thinking I might get my mama one of these smartphone-controlled garage door openers from Chamberlain to replace the one she had when I was growing up. This one has an ultra-quiet operation and syncs with the myQ...

Duraflame 3D Infrared Quartz Fireplace Stove

$166.99 - $229.99 from Amazon »

The 3D flames of Duraflame's Infrared Quartz Fireplace Stove might be fake, but they're not the sloppiest of seconds you could have if installing a real wood burning fireplace - or even a gas or electric insert - isn't...

Java Log - Recycled Coffee Grounds Fire Logs

$24.99 from Amazon »

Nothing beats the smell of fresh coffee brewing in the morning. Except, perhaps, recycled coffee grounds burning in the evening. Java Logs are eco-friendly fire logs made from recycled coffee grounds. The logs' green...