Miscellaneous

Japanese Floor Mattress

$128.87 - $168.67 from Amazon »

Who's up for a roll in the cotton and memory foam? This Japanese Floor Mattress, despite basically being an exotic way to say "futon without the frame", looks enticing. I love my elevated grown man bed and latex grown...

Bisaten Energy Efficient Thermal Paint & Primer

$69.95 from Amazon »

It's a coat for a coat. Add a coat of Bisaten Thermal Paint & Primer to your walls, and remove the coat you wear inside all winter because you can't set your thermostat above 65 without your heating bill bleeding you...

Englander Microfiber Air Mattress

$99.95 - $159.95 from Amazon »

It's not really in my best interest to make my overnight houseguests as comfortable as possible, seeing as I wish most of them would leave about 2 hours after they arrive. But I still support the Englander Microfiber...

Dad Grass Hemp CBD Pre Rolls in Screw Decoy Box

$37 from Dad Grass »

Dad Grass isn't quite as illicit and un-Dadly as it sounds, but it's not entirely innocent - like a reference to the grass stains on Dad's New Balance sneaks after mowing the lawn - either. Dad Grass smoke packs contain...

Neatmaster Ultrasonic Pest Repeller

$29.95 - $29.99 from Amazon »

Paranoia, paranoia, bugs and rats are comin' to get me! That's what I sang to my mama when she asked me to install some Neatmaster Ultrasonic Pest Repellers in her house, even though she hasn't noticed any "particular...

The Death Star Fireball Fire Extinguisher

Another successful Death Star detonation whose explosion saves the galaxy! Or at least your house. Fire extinguisher balls, spheres you can roll or chuck at almost any type of flame, are nothing new, but Fireball maker...

TokBud Smoker's Multi-Tool

$24 - $29 from Elevated Mechanics »

Everyone needs a bud. Some people need a bud they can toke. And some of those people need a TokBud, a bud for toking their buds...

July WiFi-Enabled Window Air Conditioner

$261.75 - $399 from July »

You don't have to wait until July this year to need a July WiFi-enabled window air conditioner, but you're going to have to wait until way past July to get one. Thanks to its inconspicuous, inoffensive look, and promises...

Summerland Handmade Ceramic Bongs

$165 - $275 from Summerland »

Relax. Calm down. Funny how those have turned into fightin' words. On top of being difficult states to achieve even when some condescending butthead isn't issuing them as a command. If we were together I'd say no such...

Fouch on the Couch Throw Pillow

Tony is here on a pillow finally I guess after studying and doing medical school for so long. It must be strange to be an anonymous doctor, then all of a sudden make it onto a pillow out of nowhere. Like, this guy was...

CRC Smoke Test - Smoke Detector Tester

$9.20 from Amazon »

I have a can of CRC Smoke Test in my shopping cart right now because 2 days ago I got some interesting news. Did you know the most godforsaken thing a smoke detector does - beep at 15-second intervals when its batteries...

Tiger King Carole Baskin Doormat

$45 from Amazon »

Despite the post's title and the flowery crowns flanking it, this Tiger King Carole Baskin Doormat is probably meant to welcome visitors to Joe Exotic's Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park. Not that bitch Carole Baskin's...

BIC Special Edition Lighters

Sold Out from Amazon »

BIC Special Edition Lighters are like the frosted Lucky Charms of smoking paraphernalia. Neon green pickles! Scooter-riding T-Rexes! Nebula-drifting tacos! Angelic grinning beavers! They're magically auspicious!...

Screwpop Hit Kit

$29.95 from Amazon »

They call the Screwpop Hit Kit a "personal herb tool," which sounds like a major clash of the dialects to me. Urban Dictionary meets...corporate PR lingo that won't offend my Aunt Jan. Or how 'bout this SAT-ready analogy:...

Please Hide Packages from Husband Doormat

$44.99 from Amazon »

Hopefully if you're the wisecrackin' kind of lady - or dude - who sets out a Please Hide Packages from Husband Doormat, you're also clever enough to set out an appropriate place for the UPS and postal workers to hide...

SleepBank Sleep Frequency Machine to Fall & Stay Asleep

$429 from Amazon »

If the SleepBank is to be believed, a couple weeks with its Sleeping Frequency Technology emissions, and you'll start having Baby Jesus-level sleeps in heavenly peace...

Infrared Sauna Blanket

$101.79 - $117.39 from Amazon »

This infrared sauna blanket says it will amp up your beauty sleep. Designed like a sleeping bag - or a body bag, if that's where your dark mind goes - the portable sauna heats up to a static and relatively gentle 85 degrees...

Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat

$22.99 from Amazon »

I'd call the Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat the ultimate Dad joke, but Dad would never be so rude to a visitor. And Dad would never wish a visitor to go away, even salespeople, and Mormons who want to teach him about...

Woo Warmer - Under-Rug Electric Floor Heat Mat

$134.85 - $249.85 from Amazon »

Dudes, are you ready to warm your woo? Or should I say, warm your boo's woo? The Woo Warmer is an electric floor heat mat that slides under any area rug or carpet to transfer up to 115 degrees of toastiness to the toes...

McDonald's Quarter Pounder Scented Candle Pack

Huh. I woulda thought scented candles would be something they'd make to cover up the smell of McDonald's Quarter Pounders in your home. But I guess that's if you're making candles for wives and mamas who don't want aromas...

SNOOZ White Noise Sound Machine

$79.99 from Amazon »

I found the SNOOZ white noise sound machine because I'm on a business trip*, and holy mother freighter did I sleep bad last night. Up at 2 a.m. and then again at 5 a.m. listening to a cacophony of rail squeal conducted...

MySmartBlinds - Blinds Automation Kit

$225.53 from Amazon »

I wouldn't say I have blind(s) faith in the MySmartBlinds Automation Kit, but I do really, really want them to work. Not because I'm too lazy to open my own damn blinds or want a fully pimped out smart home, but because...

Physio Logic Fever-Bugz - Stick-On Fever Indicators

$6.40 from Amazon »

Physio Logic Fever-Bugz monitor whether your kids (or you) need more cowbell in 2-degree increments for up to 48 hours per sticker. Fever-Bugz aren't thermometers per se, but for parents who want to check and monitor...

Just Text Us Doormat

$44.98 - $54.98 from Etsy »

"Just text us when you're here. No need to get the dogs involved." Whether you're a pet owner or not, this doormat sends a relatable message. And since anyone who comes over is certainly on their phone right up to the...