Miscellaneous

Cup Holder Power Inverter with USB Port

$25.83 from Amazon »

Car cup holder space may be precious, but I can think of at least 3 times I would have gladly traded my 20-ounce quad Caramocha for a phone that didn't die in the middle of navigating me the hell out of downtown Portland....

Check All That Apply Cards

$5 from Etsy »

Business cards, like hand gestures, are great ways of communicating. A card reminds a new acquaintance of your name. A potential client of your job title. A hot chick of your phone number. And here, with the interactive...

Ltd Tools Smoking Pipes

$120 - $135 from Ltd Tools »

The Ltd Tools mission statement: "To make the nicest pipes on the planet." I guess the truth in that goal is all personal taste before you're high, and not really worth taking the trouble to think about after you're high...

Silencing Slider - Cheeseburger Ball Gag

$49.99 from Etsy »

I'll have a quarter pounder with...please. Yes, please, Master, bite me! Bite me hard and put the marks of your ownership on my flesh while I, your slave, receive my punishment in complete submission. Silently mowing...

Exhale Bladeless Ceiling Fan

$500 - $600 from Exhale Fans »

Not that Dyson hasn't proven that fans don't need to look like a duck and walk like a duck to be a duck, but the Exhale bladeless fan is still the strangest looking thing I've ever seen mounted to a ceiling. I don't even...

Igloo Dome Sensory Deprivation Pillow

Shield yourself from all light and sound while you sleep without strapping things over your eyes, jamming them in your ears, or looking like an ostrich. The Igloo Dome Pillow is a cushioned sleeping tent for the head...

Luna Intelligent Mattress Cover

$199 - $229 from Luna »

Luna describes itself as "the world's first mattress cover that intelligently warms your bed, tracks sleep, and makes your bed smart." And it does it all in 2 minutes. Almost as fast as I myself do things in bed....

Portable Kerosene Heater

$149.99 from Amazon »

No electricity? No electricity needed with the Sengoku KeroHeat portable convection kerosene heater. Using 1K clear kerosene this cylindrical fire chamber is capable of blasting 23,500 BTUs over a 900 square foot room....

Power Outlet with Dual USB Ports

$23.84 - $27.79 from Amazon »

Logical, intuitive, way more convenient than plugging one plug into another plug before it hits the wall. I wonder how long before all newly-installed outlets will contain USB ports in addition to the standard AC 3-prongs...

Electric Heated Fleece Travel Blanket

$38.99 from Amazon »

This past weekend I had a horrifying experience with the elements. It was 37 degrees outside, a veritable monsoon was falling from the sky, it was accompanied by gale force winds of at least 972 mph, and I was stuck in...

Bearded Year Transparent Overlay Calendar

$49 from Etsy »

I know we're almost halfway through January, but you still have, like, three hundred sixty...um...forty...like, a lot of days left in 2015 to 1) merit tracking by 2015 calendar and 2) grow a sick Arctic beard. Anna Marinenko's...

Garage Beacon Smartphone Door Opener

$69.95 from Garage Beacon »

The Garage Beacon claims to turn your smartphone into an automatic garage door remote. I think this is a pretty good idea. Because I remember driving places with my grandpa when I was boy of 5 or 6. I'd sit in the car...

Philips Sunrise Simulation Alarm Clock

$69.99 from Amazon »

I'll still probably want to Monkey Fist Philips' Wake-up Light to East Jesus when it begins its simulation of the sunrise at 10:30 each morning, but maybe the gradual brightening of my basement lair will remove some of...

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Eleventh Hour

Ye draggers of the gluteus maximus out there may not be relegated to--gasp!--leaving your house and buying holiday gifts in person just yet. Below we have accumulated a few non-sucky mail-order offerings that, at printing...

The Dragon Sex Calendar

I can't believe it! Just yesterday I was thinking about cartoon sex--albeit between people, not dragons--and today I find a whole calendar of cartoon sex stills! And you know what: I think the thinking thinks even better...

Holiday Gift Guide: For Ladies

Ladies. Why is it that I find it so difficult to shop for them, yet they seem to have no trouble at all shopping for themselves? Every time I try to buy the perfect gift for my mama or the girl at my local ice cream store...

Holiday Gift Guide: Christmas Cheer

 

Deck the halls with boughs of holly and deck my right hand with a few drams of single barrel Scotch from the Whisky Advent Calendar. Yeah, like I'll be able to spread that pot of peaty liquid gold over 24 whole days...

Cooling Gel Memory Foam Pillow

$28.34 from Amazon »

The comfort of not waking up unable to rotate your neck more than 5 degrees to the left meets the comfort of not waking up sweatier than a fat man doing hot yoga in a polyester leisure suit. Sleep Innovations' reversible...

Daily Product Updates In Your Inbox

New Cult Comedy Movie Bundle

$29.99 from DudeIWantThat.com »

The key to turning your contemporary American comedy into a cult comedy classic: crusty day 3 stubble. And now you can relish all of your favorite razor-abhorring comedic actors of the 2000s ad infinitum with this Ultimate...

The End Is in Sight Black Electrical Tape

Um, they need to put a track of The End Is in Sight double contrasting-colored lines on all spooled adhesive products, not just black electrical tape. This is so simple, yet so useful in saving me 42 seconds and foot-stamping...

Da Vinci Ascent Vaporizer

$249.99 - $299 from Da Vinci »

Guess who got a new vaporizer. That's right. My friend Victor. Victor's favorite thing about his Da Vinci Ascent is the following statement describing it: "Provides 3 hours of vaping for loose leaf, herbs & oils." Three...

Guitdoorbell - Guitar Doorbell

$149.99 from Guitdoorbell »

The Guitdoorbell replaces irritating bing-bong! door chimes and refrains of "It's a small world" with the rich, resonant strum of a real acoustic guitar. Mounted face-down over a doorway in tandem with an underlying plectrum...

Cardio First Angel CPR Device

$79 from Pro Idee »

I've heard the ideal rate at which to administer effective chest compressions when doing CPR is in accordance to the beat of "Stayin' Alive." But I wonder, what if you're not a Bee Gees fan? What if you could stomach...

ZEUS Thunder Vaporizer

$93 from ZEUSArsenal »

I received a sample of the ZEUS Thunder vaporizer pen for a state-of-matter-changing test drive. Unfortunately, it was right after my mama coerced me into signing an agreement to submit to random marijuana tests in exchange...

EmoSpark AI Home Console

$260 - $315 from Emospark »

If Her creeped you out (and let's face it, just looking at Joaquin Phoenix for more than 30 seconds straight can sometimes do the trick) get ready to have your stomach turned inside out again: EmoSpark, an Android-powered...

Oon Building Blocks Power Strip

$79 from OKUM »

I like the Oon power strip concept. Classy wood building blocks hiding the ugly two-prongs. They even get nostalgic, looking kinda like the building blocks I played with when I was a kid. The building blocks I played...

LaunchPAD - Fleshlight iPad Case (NSFW)

$29.95 from Fleshlight »

Though it's not electric or piston-powered...or Japanese...like this friendly sex toy, the LaunchPAD does employ advanced technology in a valiant effort to enhance Man's alone time. The makers of male masturbatory aid...

Flick Killjoy Candles

$16.99 from Flick Candles »

Well, in all fairness, every single one of Flicking Candle Company's Flick Candles isn't a complete killjoy. I mean, sure, there's Cancelled Vacation, Defriend, Grandma's Last Christmas Tree, and Freshman 15 Pound Cake...

6-Outlet Surge Protector with Dual USB Ports

$24.22 from Amazon »

Over 3,200 Amazon reviewers are eager to share their experiences with Belkin's SurgePlus, a wall-mounted surge protector with 6 outlets and 2 USB ports. Over 3,200! And they give it an average rating of 4 stars! That's...

Galactic Cap Just-the-Tip Condom

$5 - $100 from Galactic Cap »

"The Galactic Cap is a condom men will want to wear and their partners will love. A better alternative, it will increase condom use and promote healthier sex." Want to wear? Partners will love? Well. Considering this...

Magic Tank Emergency Fuel

$29.95 from Amazon »

The problem with not filling up until your gas light comes on isn't that you're being carelessly dangerous or unwittingly living on the edge, it's that sometimes you get stuck inside ginormous gridlocked clusterclucks...

Aros Smart Window Air Conditioner

$212.49 from Amazon »

I like how anymore anything that's not a "smart" whatever it is gets labeled a "dumb" whatever it is. According to Quirky, which recently made Dr. Garthen Leslie's Aros Smart Window Air Conditioner available for purchase...

Japanese Electric Piston Masturbator (NSFW)

$220 from Amazon »

Note: The Japanese electric piston masturbator's NSFW designation serves not so much as a reminder that this device is not suitable to view at work as it does a reminder that it is not suitable to use at work. I found...

Blobfish Plush

$14.99 from ThinkGeek »

Snuggle up with God's ugliest creature. It's true. The blobfish wins all the Most Horrific Beast on the Planet contests, and as I've previously mentioned here, I think it might be my curse to be reincarnated as one. Legend...

Buzzy Pain Blocker

$39.95 from Amazon »

Buzzy helps relieve the pain of shots, lab draws, bee stings, burns, burning medicines, Band-Aid rip-offs, and tattoos. Tattoos? Really? I mean, I can get behind a vibrating ice pack fashioned in the likeness of a bumblebee...

Snore Activated Nudging Pillow

$149.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This pillow saves the person sleeping next to you the trouble of "inadvertently" delivering an elbow to the ribs when you're snoring louder than a wounded bull. How? First it detects these disturbances of the peace with...

Raunchy Wrapping Paper (NSFW)

$6.19 - $7.69 from Amazon »

Raunchy Wrap R-rated wrapping paper reminds me of something my lyrical hero Ludacris once said during his guest vocals on Usher's smash hit dance track "Yeah": "I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed." This...

Heimlich Helper - DIY Choking Aid

$28.99 from Amazon »

Better be extra cautious devouring those 3 dozen inferno wings today. With all the accompanying excitement and beer, there is at least a 40% chance of inhaling bone, and about the same chance no one is going to notice...

You Is Fine Bears

$17 - $49.99 from Love Is Lame »

Do you love her? Eh. Is she cute? Heh. She is way beyond cute, dude. Hot? HOT. Like... Hotter than Olivia Munn all tatted up and devouring a chili dog in a Xena costume? Uh.... Basically every time I see her all I can...

Illoom Balloons

$5.99 from Amazon »

Oompa Loompas don't need brooms, they use Illoom Balloons to zoom o'er the moon....

Flat Panel Heater

Sold Out from Amazon »

One time I stepped outside my back door and it was -8 degrees and the snot froze in my nostrils. That time was yesterday. But during these frigid winter months, instead of jacking up my home's central heating system...

Star Wars Pipes

$59 - $75 from Etsy »

One good way to bring the Dark Side and the Light Side together is to get them all stoned. What, we're fighting? I'm trying to eradicate you from the galaxy? OK, well...why don't we order some deep dish pizzas...and a...

Bed Fan with Wireless Remote

$350 from Amazon »

I've always thought how nice it would be to have a cool, consistent breeze blowing up my shorts. I'm actually in the process of developing my own take on Air Jordans, called Air Up There Jordans. They'll have a ring-shaped...

White Castle Slider Scented Candle

$11.99 from Amazon »

I don't think there is a fast food item on the planet more polarizing than the White Castle slider. You either love them and eat 2 dozen on a dare the night before your wedding and then spend the entire reception puking...

I Will Not Be Your Father Condom

Nice. A condom to carry my message to all the unborn children in the world. Attention would-be zygotes! I WILL NOT BE YOUR FATHER!...

NYC Taxi Drivers Beefcake Calendar

$14.99 from NYC Taxi Calendar »

See, ladies, why waste time exacting revenge upon your ex-boyfriend when you could be spending it pursuing one of these hot transportation professionals as your new boyfriend? The 2014 NYC Taxi Drivers Beefcake Calendar...

Natural Sunrise Alarm Clock

$220 from Amazon »

Some people believe that a blaring alarm shattering the silence of our slumber and tearing our eyes open in the still-blackness of a winter morning isn't so good for the body. Philips, makers of the Wake-Up Light and...

Grasshopper Vaporizer Pen

$99 - $145 from Grasshopper »

Ha! More proof that if pens wish to avoid extinction they better start bringing more to the table than a barrel full of ink! In fact, Grasshopper makes the biggest leap of all--the one I've been waiting for: it eliminates...

Adventure Medical Kits Trauma Pack

$19.99 from Amazon »

When I was 6 years old my babysitter forced me to sit on a skateboard with her and roll down the ominously steep street on which we lived. About halfway to the bottom my suspicions that her idea was a terrible one and...

$10 Million Human Regenerator for Anti-Aging

$557k - $10 million from The Human Regenerator »

Well, $10 million is the price for the super deluxe, diamond-encrusted model of The Human Regenerator. Bargain hunters who are OK with regenerating unsound cells, strengthening their immune systems, and enhancing skin...

Identity Theft Protection Rubber Stamp

$16.24 from Amazon »

So what you're saying is that this simple stamp could be the solution to ridding myself of the 8' piles of credit card offers and guaranteed ways to pay off my student loads in 6 months and weird notices about taxes or...

Aero Sphere Fan

$91.38 from Amazon »

I feel like the Aero Sphere fan, a sculptural household appliance imported from Japan, holds the power to blow more than cool air. Like all we have to do is play with it long enough--or figure out how to unlock a level--and...

Mystery Boxes

$40.39 - $56.59 from Firebox.com »

Mystery Boxes are the win-win gift. They make the tedious purchasing and giving process only a molecule more strenuous and demanding of thought than buying a gift certificate to Best Buy or Chick-fil-A, yet their effect...

Comfort-U Total Body Pillow

$99.95 from Amazon »

Why is it that every photo I could find of this Comfort-U Total Body Pillow depicts a lady using it? Do men not want to experience the soothing, womb-like coziness of a giant stuffed parabola? Do we eschew the possibility...

Scooter Luggage

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't know how practical zooming through the terminal atop my scooter-fitted carry-on would be in LAX or ATL, but the next time I get delayed by a snowstorm in Des Moines, drag racing with the courtesy transporters...

Sodium Acetate - Hot Ice

$9.50 from Amazon »

They call it hot ice because sodium acetate is extremely unstable (probably moody and demanding too) and begins hardening immediately as it drops below its melting point of 58.4 to 58 degrees C (about 136.5 to 137 degrees...

Shine 24K Gold Rolling Papers

$50.49 from Amazon »

Shine and its 24K Gold rolling papers add a new action to the ever-growing list of Things You Can Do with Gold. Currently populated by: 1) Eat it; 2) Shit it; and 3) Buy expensive things with it, stoners and recreational...

Vornado Super Fan

$99.99 from Amazon »

I don't know why Vornado needs four words--Whole Room Air Circulator--to describe what I can sum up in two: Super Fan. Truly. I've had many occasions on which to use one of these compact wind makers, namely any time my...

Rolet Triple Barrel Pipe

Discontinued

Rolet (roll-ay, like Nube and ole!) is the triple barrel shotgun for pacifists. Really. It loads. It fires. It smokes. And I'd argue that using it will make you feel way better for way longer than shooting something....

ChiliPad - Cooling & Heating Mattress Pad

$399 - $999 from Amazon »

This visual sales pitch for the Chilipad, a mattress cover that can cool or heat his and her respective halves of the bed, might be my favorite photo I've seen all summer, and no one is even naked or wielding a sword...

Foldaway Bunk Beds

$329.99 - $349.99 from Amazon »

Haha, that dude in the bunk bed looks like the creepy 50-year-old who goes back to college during his mid-life crisis and tries to re-enact his glory days by moving into the dorms and chasing around co-eds his daughter's...

Take-A-Seat Hitch Bench & Carrier

$225 from Take-A-Seat »

Obviously the most important element of tailgating is drinking. No one ever forgets to bring beer to the tailgate. Or the picnic. Or the post-outdoor-adventure celebration. We do, however, sometimes forget chairs. Or...

Hand-Carved Incredible Hulk Nickel

By: Ebay »

Q: How does Shaun Hughes turn the buffalo side of a Buffalo nickel into an Incredible Hulk hobo with his bare hands?...

Archer Macho-Scented Room Sprays

$14 from archer »

Archer's macho-scented room sprays have a lofty goal: putting a positive spin on the statement that a place smells like 5 guys living in a 2-bedroom apartment. Can they succeed? I don't know, but hauling out scents such...

Baseball Hat Wash Cage

$7.95 from Amazon »

My preferred method of baseball hat maintenance is wearing them until they smell like the inside of a boxing glove and have mosaics of sweat and dirt encircling their dome, and then taking them for a dunk when I happen...

Multi-Position Pillow

$95.91 from Amazon »

When I think of a multi-position pillow, I don't necessarily think of sleeping better...or, ahem, sleeping at all...but if this Better Sleep head rest can do as it claims, and prevent my awaking from an otherwise pleasant...