When to Bolt & Pee App

By: on October 25, 2012
FREE - $0.99
Check It Out

Since I have the bladder of a camel (and the strength of an ox and the valor of a lion and the manly aggression of a rhino and the heart-melting adorability of a baby polar bear) I don't really need an app to tell me when the best moments to leave a movie and use the john are, but those with pea-sized pee reservoirs, buns in the oven, or some bad oysters dancing in their digestive systems could benefit greatly from RunPee.

An app for Android, Apple, and Windows smartphones, RunPee's primary duty is to pinpoint 3- to 5-minutes spans during a feature film when nothing exciting, funny, or important happens, and communicate that via a feed to the phone. Each cue indicates how long into the movie the recommended toilet run occurs, what is happening on screen or what the actors are saying at the time, and how long the user has to answer the call of nature before things start getting interesting again.

Initially, I was considerably impressed that some egghead out there was able to generate the algorithms and coding necessary to extract and report the parts of movies during which communing with one's excretory system would provide more pleasure than continuing to watch where one's $15 just went, but when I did something unusual and actually read about the product before completing its writeup, I discovered this isn't at all how RunPee works. It's even better, and more old-school-hardworking-American than that.

The so-called "RunPee family", which appears to consist of a mere three people, physically attends every single widely released US movie on its opening day, and just...watches it...for breaks in the action that they perceive as ideal times to do a #1 (or #2 if you can pinch one off in less than 5 minutes). They start evaluating pee times about 30 minutes into the film, and cease at 20 to 30 minutes left. Shorter movies of around 90 minutes may have only one noted bathroom break, while those over 2 hours usually accrue 2 to 3. Each designated RunPee time also includes a synopsis of what happened during the break.

The RunPee family has also loaded its app with additional movie-centric features, such as:

  • Notes from the person who took the peetimes apprising users of which one is most recommended, which ones to use only in a bladder emergency.
  • Tips on whether or not to stay during/after the end credits for extra scenes.
  • A synopsis of the first 3 minutes of a movie for those running late.
  • A grade and short review of each movie.
  • Screens that show information about the selected movie from RottenTomatoes.com and IMDb.com.
  • If available, quick links to the soundtrack.

The RunPee app can be downloaded to Android and Windows phones for free. iTunes charges $0.99 for an iPhone or iPad download.

Muchas danke to Mitch T. for the product suggestion.

Got peeing at the movies down? Then you're ready to learn How to Poo at Work.

Check it out

SpinX Toilet Cleaning Robot

$198 - $249 from SpinX »

Cleaning the toilet. A chore so crappy that when I was in college my housemates and I agreed to just not do it. Ah the nights of too much tequila and Taco Bell that could have benefitted from the SpinX. A robot that cleans...

Buy Now

The Lambshank Redemption Cookbook

$15.90 from Amazon »

Mmmm, I could sure go for some lamb shank tonight. According to She-Ra: Princess of Power, a little redemption wouldn't hurt me either. Fitting, then, that in my search for dinner and ways to un-piss off my fiancee I...

Buy Now

Kobayashi Mug

Sold Out from Amazon »

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that...he's gone....

Check it out

Life-Size Exorcist Regan Doll

$3,995 from Etsy »

The only thing worse than a Monday is clicking on a link that brings you to a life-size replica doll of possessed Regan from The Exorcist. It just happened to me, and since misery loves company, here you go, dudes. I'm...

Check it out

Silence of the Lambs Hannibal Lecter Action Figures

$269 from Blitzway »

I had forgotten I started working on this Hannibal Lecter Action Figure post and left my computer for a few hours to eat some sloppy joes and self-serve fro yo, and when I came back I was looking right into the muzzled...

Check it out

How to Pee with Morning Wood

$13.95 - $60.90 from Zazzle »

A self-help guide to dealing with the enormous issue I face first thing in the morning every single day of my life and it's packaged as whimsical wall art that will add immeasurable character to my bathroom? How to Pee...

Buy Now

Hellraiser Lament Configuration Puzzle Box

$179.97 from Amazon »

Welp, here's one puzzle box I don't want to solve. I don't care what I could stash inside Hellraiser's Lament Configuration, I don't care if it's just a prop replica taken from an allegedly fictitious horror flick, and...

Buy Now

Nebula Mars Portable Cinema

$799.99 from Amazon »

The Mars Portable Cinema won't really take you to Mars - you'll have to hold out for Elon Musk on that - but Nebula calls their latest release The World's First Portable Cinema with Theater-Grade Picture and Sound, so...

Buy Now

PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger

$15.98 from Amazon »

To truly get how the PongTu Disposable Sticker Toilet Plunger works, you've got to watch the video. Granted, it's not the best quality, and if you're like me you'll get a little caught up on, How many times is that dude...

Buy Now

A Die Hard Christmas

$10.97 from Amazon »

Yippee Ki Yay! A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is going to be on every kid's man's gift list this year. (Kids probably won't want it. They'll think the John McClane brand of killing and violence...

Check it out

Life-Size Alien Head

$1,799.99 from Sideshow Collectibles »

When the staff at the H.R. Giger Museum in Switzerland saw this life-size replica head of the monstrous Alien their namesake created you could literally see the pride and joy bursting from their chests. (Good luck to...

Check it out

Single Sentence Film Summary T-Shirts

$28 from Fab »

You might think cinematic masterpieces such as Rocky, Star Wars, Back to the Future, and The Karate Kid are too densely packed with plot and profundity to encapsulate in just one sentence, but Mike Joyce's Stereotype...