To maintain nature's beloved equilibrium, as the cost of iPhones goes down, the cost of their cases must go up. At $99.97, this anodized aluminum bodyguard promises to protect your remote connection to humanity from the shocks and vibrations caused by accidental falls, collisions, and reactionary bitch slaps delivered when your screen freezes in the middle of a Hail Mary. The case is also fabricated using computer and radio frequency design principals so as not to further deteriorate your shitty AT&T, Verizon, or Sprint service. All cases are 100%: nonconductive; nonmagnetic; noncorrosive; nontoxic; and non-leaving the side of your face without taking a large chunk of your cheek with it during freezing weather. Entrepreneurial artistic accent: graphics on the back are laser engraved to preclude wear, and ensure that when you get drunk and lose your phone, it will get returned to Jon Eicher so he can double his profits selling the same case to someone else.