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Instant Regret Hot Chili Peanut Butter

By: on December 13, 2012
$11.29
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Hot to the power of hot meets one of the most devastating allergens on the planet. If Instant Regret Peanut Butter doesn't drive you into an immediate convulsive fit, followed by a semi-conscious state of catatonia, Firebox will refund you in full. Just kidding, they'll tell you you should have read the label, which is what they told me. Smart people who take note of what they're shoveling into their pieholes prior to going to town with the shovel will see that the star of Instant Regret's crunchy legume spread isn't the peanut, but the King Naga chili.

Laughing from inside your gut all the way to the drugstore, which you will clean out of antacid and heartburn medications, the King Naga will fire 12 million SHU of heat on the Scoville Scale throughout your mouth, esophagus, and stomach lining. There is a slight possibility you will also feel the burn during your next few urinations and bowel movements. But that doesn't mean Instant Regret Peanut Butter withholds the scrumptious. There are some fine specimen peanuts, a little sunflower oil, sugar syrup, and an extra ass-kick of Habanero chili oil in the jar to give the resonance of volcanic lava a pleasantly sweet, nutty flavor on the way in.

Instant Regret Peanut Butter comes in a 190g jar that, again, those who read the label will refrain from giving to children, pets, and the elderly. Even children who don't go into anaphylactic shock from contact with peanuts. Even dogs who really, really like to tongue dive for peanut butter stuffed inside their Kong toy. Even cantankerous elderly men with phlegmy coughs who make thankless demands of servers in restaurants and then leave no tip. Also, if you touch Instant Regret, and then touch your eyes or...sensitive areas south of your eyes...you will grasp an entirely new meaning of the words "instant" and "regret".

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