Edible Dehydrated Zebra Tarantula

By: on November 18, 2016
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What's that you're eating? Antelope jerky? Pssshh! Amateur. Real men, men with balls as big as their 3 p.m. snack cravings, eat dehydrated zebra tarantulas. Straight from the can.

There's not a whole lot of information about this zebra tarantula in its Amazon listing, but here's what I gather:

  • It's edible.
  • It's dehydrated.
  • It comes in a can.
  • It's dusted with a zesty barbecue seasoning!
  • It ships fast. The seller mentions that twice. I can only imagine it's because any dude jonesing for a zebra tarantula needs to get his fix ASAP, or shit's gonna get real. Like, Zebra tarantulas are probably the heroin of the edible dehydrated insect world.

Not surprisingly, there are some swell reviews of the canned zebra tarantula, some real, some obviously a joke. And then there's this one from DG:

These are a delicacy. This is Aphonopelma seemanni, the semi-arid Central American zebra tarantula, and not the more common northern hemisphere Salticus scenicus that's called for in most recipes. That's also why they're not sold in bulk the way you're probably used to buying dehydrated spiders.
Also keep in mind that the zebra tarantula is native to higher elevation Costa Rican semi-desert scrublands, and dehydration usually just puts it into dormancy. The special packaging here is really for your benefit. Aphonopelma seemanni should be consumed shortly after opening the can, as it revives in even slight humidity. It's a shockingly strong-willed burrowing spider, and in nature their nest entrances resemble the human nostril.

I added the emphasis to that last bit. I don't know if this guy is F'ing with us or if this is a real sick and crazy trick up the sleeve of Mother Nature. But I do know that if I decide to get an edible dehydrated zebra tarantula as a gag gift for my friend Cornelius this year, I am definitely advising him to let it "breathe" for a couple of hours after opening the can. Maybe even overnight. On his nightstand.