26-Pound Gummy Python
Oh look, a snake that can kill you without biting, constricting, or even being alive. At 84" long, 26.9 pounds, and a staggering 36,720 calories, the Gummy Python will inflict anything from hyperglycemia to ruptured intestines to instant obesity upon anyone who doesn't tread very, very carefully across its path. Oh, but the manufacturer does point out that it's gluten-free, so take a load off, celiacs, and rest assured that when you swell up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, and experience debilitating stomach cramps followed by multiple GI explosions, it's only because you just ate a thousand grams of sugar in a single sitting, not because you ingested sneaky wheat additives.
Gummy Pythons come in two delectable flavor and color swirls: Blue Raspberry & Green Apple and Red Cherry & Blue Raspberry. Cost is a steep $150, but obviously any child who sees one awaiting him or her under the Christmas tree this year is going to go so ape shit that the ends may actually justify the means. I mean if I were 9 or, like, 32, and my mama got me an 8-foot snake made entirely of artificial, yet edible, gelatinous materials, my reaction would probably create a viral sensation on YouTube, and earn my enterprising parents their Gummy Python investment back tenfold. You hear that, Mama? Tenfold.
Big Fat Shocker Alert! Gummy Pythons are made in the USA. Let me guess: Texas, right?