123

The Football Briefcase

By: on October 23, 2012
$499.99
Check It Out

F nuclear codes and attacks. Booze, cards, Red Bull, cash, mints, and first aid are a real man's real tickets to power and life-altering--or at least night-altering--decisions. The briefcase. The weapons. The Football. Reinvented, redesigned, and primed to drop the party bomb.

In the aftermath of the Cuban Missile Crisis, the US government felt compelled to prepare a handy nuclear decision making tool. According to an article in the Washington Post the tool was a metallic Zero Halliburton briefcase stuffed with launch codes for the US' nuclear weapons. JFK nicknamed the carrier The Football after the operations code name: Dropkick. Lucky for us, JFK never used his Football, which means we are still alive today, and thriving in a capitalistic society that has repurposed the Football's essence into a means of getting shitfaced and engaging in various forms of recreational debauchery.

Hey, it's better than nuclear war.

Created by Urban Mercenaries--which has got to be an Alan Garner enterprise--today's Football Briefcase mugs as a 17" aluminum shell fitted with an engraved plaque, personalized with two lines of text. It harbors the following codes to a gentleman's perfect evening:

  • 375 ml Patron Tequila
  • 375 ml Grey Goose Vodka
  • (4) 2 oz Red Bull energy shots
  • 350 ml Martini shaker
  • 4 shot glasses
  • 1 wine bottle opener
  • 1 deck of cards
  • 5 dice
  • .37 oz tin of Altoids
  • 0.5 oz of Bausch & Lomb eye drops
  • One pair of handcuffs with 2 keys.
  • 10 Advil tablets
  • 24 Tums Extra Strength chewable tablets

At $500, the Football Briefcase smacks of a product prohibitively expensive that I could surely make myself, but won't because I'm lazy. Also, I accept that wielding this kind of power comes at a price. Also, Alan probably owes an Chinese Dragon Master money.

Buy Now

Igloo Party Bar Cooler with LiddUp Lighting

$139.49 from Amazon »

The Igloo Party Bar Cooler keeps the party lit up all night long courtesy of LiddUp technology. About 4 years ago, startup LiddUp sought crowdfunding for its own illuminated cooler. The campaign didn't quite hit its goal...

Check it out

Stormtrooper Whiskey Decanter & Shot Glass

$14.61 - $26.79 from The Fowndry »

A stormtrooper who's packing nothing but Jameson and a Buttery Nipple is my kind of stormtrooper. I bet in whiskey decanter and suspended glass forms they're even a decent shot. At least until round 7 or 8 when your own...

Buy Now

Liquor Log Booze Dispenser

$89 from Amazon »

Now this is the kind of Yule Log I'm talking about. How better to bring good tidings to you and all of your kin than with a nice bottle of Jameson or Jack chug-a-lugging out the tap on an urban harvested Ohio hardwood...

Check it out

Vapshot Vaporized Alcohol System

$1,299 from Vapshot »

The Vapshot Mini Home System is a countertop liquor vaporizer. It looks kinda like an air pump at the gas station. It acts kinda like one too. Except instead of pumping on a hose to inflate your Goodyears, you'll suck...

Check it out

Herb & Lou's Cocktail-Infused Ice Cubes

$15.99 from Herb & Lou's »

Melted, not stirred. Herb & Lou's Infused Cubes arrive as 3 things waiting to happen: 1) 12 blocks of ice; 2) 12 rounds of tasty cocktails; and 3) 12 times the good times, since you won't have to play bartender all night....

Check it out

The Perfect Shot Secure Decanter

$89.95 from The Perfect Shot »

The Perfect Shot is a lockable decanter that keeps thirsty hands off your hooch. But here's an interesting lemon twist: those thirsty hands can include your own....

Buy Now

Lolo Lids Covert Beer Koozies

$9.48 - $11.49 from Amazon »

Drink your beer on the down Lolo with this lid of subterfuge. Disguised as a to-go coffee lid, the Lolo fits over a can of beer, which then slides into most any large paper coffee cup to form a covert koozie. Sneaky...

Check it out

Outer Space Vodka

$5.99 - $29.99 from Outer Space Vodka »

What's scarier than this freak parade of masks on Halloween night? The head-splitting, toilet-hugging hangover we're all going to have Sunday morning. Especially with 1) Daylight Saving Time ending at 2 a.m., giving everyone...

Buy Now

Stainless Steel Alcohol / Moonshine Still

Sold Out from Amazon »

Items like the 10-gallon whiskey still and this stainless steel alcohol / moonshine still prove that making booze at home can be fun and worthwhile even when liquor is legal! According to TableTop Still, their DIY spirits...

Buy Now

Ship in a Bottle Whiskey Decanter & Dispenser

$99 from Amazon »

I don't care how they got this ship in the bottle as long as I know how to get the booze it's sailing through out. A wood base handcrafted in Kentucky serves as a classy pedestal to the mounted glass whiskey decanter...

Buy Now

Reloadable Confetti High Fives

$9.95 from Amazon »

Did you know that National High Five Day is just 2 weeks away? Wait, let me back up. Did you know there exists such a thing as National High Five Day? It's the third Thursday of every April, or for our purposes, April...

Buy Now

BenShot Bullet Shot Glass

$15 from Amazon »

Shot through the glass / And you're to blame / Guess I'm lucky you / Got bad aim (bad aim)....