The Football Briefcase

F nuclear codes and attacks. Booze, cards, Red Bull, cash, mints, and first aid are a real man's real tickets to power and life-altering--or at least night-altering--decisions. The briefcase. The weapons. The Football. Reinvented, redesigned, and primed to drop the party bomb.

In the aftermath of the Cuban Missile Crisis, the US government felt compelled to prepare a handy nuclear decision making tool. According to an article in the Washington Post the tool was a metallic Zero Halliburton briefcase stuffed with launch codes for the US' nuclear weapons. JFK nicknamed the carrier The Football after the operations code name: Dropkick. Lucky for us, JFK never used his Football, which means we are still alive today, and thriving in a capitalistic society that has repurposed the Football's essence into a means of getting shitfaced and engaging in various forms of recreational debauchery.

Hey, it's better than nuclear war.

Created by Urban Mercenaries--which has got to be an Alan Garner enterprise--today's Football Briefcase mugs as a 17" aluminum shell fitted with an engraved plaque, personalized with two lines of text. It harbors the following codes to a gentleman's perfect evening:

375 ml Patron Tequila
375 ml Grey Goose Vodka
(4) 2 oz Red Bull energy shots
350 ml Martini shaker
4 shot glasses
1 wine bottle opener
1 deck of cards
5 dice
.37 oz tin of Altoids
0.5 oz of Bausch & Lomb eye drops
One pair of handcuffs with 2 keys.
10 Advil tablets
24 Tums Extra Strength chewable tablets

At $500, the Football Briefcase smacks of a product prohibitively expensive that I could surely make myself, but won't because I'm lazy. Also, I accept that wielding this kind of power comes at a price. Also, Alan probably owes an Chinese Dragon Master money.

The Football Briefcase

The Football Briefcase Gifts