Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager

By: on February 09, 2014
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They term the type of massage RumbleRoller's Beastie Bar delivers "aggressive." I think you could also call it "penetrating," "effectively deep," and "more painful than a head-butt in the hamstring from a unicorn." Look at this ominous mace of a health and wellness tool. Dig that thing into your knotted back or calf and it's gonna elicit some explicit facial contortions, and possibly some explicit audio. But if RumbleRoller and John Cougar Mellencamp are to be believed, sometimes these things don't feel like they should not because they hurt, but because they hurt so good.

Self-massagers come in many shapes and persuasions, but the Beastie Bar claims to be the only stick variety enabling users to administer themselves a kneading that truly mimics professional deep tissue treatments. The Beastie bumps attach at the center of a grooved, grip-friendly bar for manipulation on virtually any part of the body accessible by hand. For less handy areas, the Beastie Bar's pair of detachable stands secure the massager in place for rolling along hard-to-reach parts of the posterior chain, such as the upper back and glutes.

Ahhh, the glutes. I cannot tell you how many times I've come home from a grueling 1/2-mile walk to the 7-Eleven and thought, Gaahhh! All I want right now is for a 6'2" Swedish fitness model to dig her elbows into my ass! Thanks to Beastie Bar, it appears I'll be able to modify my desires to a more normal yearning for a 6'2" Swedish swimsuit model whose boobs trump her elbows as anatomical highlight.

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