Happy Valentine's Day. Unless you're single and lonely. Especially unless you're single and lonely because you just got dumped. But cheer up, minced-hearted Charlies, I've got even better tidings for you. Tidings, dare I say, of Willy Wonka proportions: Happy Rent-a-Rebound Day!
You know Wish.co.uk, the masterful Brits who conduct Luxury Mile High Club experiences, are looking out for your libido. Today--or any day of the year you feel moved to inject an ex with so much jealousy and frustration it seeps like infected viscous pus from every permeable membrane in his/her body--they are also looking out for your heart. Your dignity. Your acute thirst for revenge. Rent-a-Rebound is Wish.co.uk's virtual sweetheart service, an elaborate insertion of a new, successful, polished, drop-dead-gonad-tingling significant other into your social media existence.
What Happens When I Rent-a-Rebound?
Rent-a-Rebound will post Facebook convos, spearhead schmoopy Twitter exchanges, share Spotify playlists, check the two of you in at The Erotic Bakery, Photoshop Instagram adventures to World Market to pick out a new couch because your ex's ass print is permanently molded into your old one...no virtual means of provoking the green-eyed monster will be left unexplored. Wish.co.uk will even sprinkle showers of praise for your new harder, better, faster, stronger, WAY HOTTER sweetheart from friends and co-workers throughout social media platforms.
Rent-a-Rebound can also be customized to accommodate the conditions of your specific breakup or revenge pursuit. For example, if your ex is a huge One Direction fan, oh lookee here: you just scored Victoria Chestington front row seats to their upcoming show. Here's a pic of the tix. Victoria Chestington says: "What comes after bliss?! I have never been so happy in my life!!!"
Will My Ex See All of This Stuff?
Due to the sheer magnitude of the Rent-a-Rebound infiltration, there is no way your ex won't notice you've "moved on." However, Wish.co.uk will also provide the additional (completely legal) service of snooping to see when your ex is most virtually active and target interactions with your reboundee to post at those times. Reboundees, by the way, are created as computer composites of your ideal significant other--s/he can be a doctor or an astronaut, a model or a contortionist.
What Type of Effort Must I Exert to Rent-a-Rebound?
Rent-a-Rebound takes place entirely online, which means you can elicit this seething envy in the one who done you wrong without even getting out of bed or dislodging your face from the pint of Phish Food. All Wish.co.uk needs is photos you'd like doctored and pertinent information about yourself that will help make the ruse believable (e.g., if you're allergic to shellfish, you wouldn't want them posting a Facebook feed about the Mardi Gras crawfish boil where you and Hotness pigged out and then licked each other's fingers clean.)
Read more about sticking it to your sub-zero evil incarnate ex with the Rent-a-Rebound virtual experience, and find more answers to frequently asked questions on the Wish.co.uk Website.