The Top 14 Manuals for Learning Random & Dubious Skills
Calling these how-to guides manuals of random & dubious skills is itself a random & dubious title, but it was the only one I saw fit for such an eclectic collection of guides.
From the highly specific How to Poo at Work to the "highly" specific How to Smoke Pot (Properly), the offbeat How to Live with a Huge Penis to my personal manual for life, The Abide Guide, these are my picks for the top 14 manuals for learning random & dubious skills.
The Abide Guide: Living Like Lebowski
The Abide Guide: Living Like Lebowski was the Dude's first (but certainly not last) appearance on DudeIWantThat.com, and as I sit...and sit...and sit at home, I keep returning to this fine survival guide from the founders of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude . Filled with lessons on life, love, and nihilism, it is surely the perfect gift for a dude, and especially any Dude fan.
How to Become a Federal Criminal
Most of us are well versed in the obvious ways to become a federal criminal, but for the more creatively minded out there, How to Become a Federal Criminal will give you tips on earning the status through some more unconventional and outrageous shenanigans.
Mike Chase, creator of the @CrimeADay Twitter account, has condensed some of his best finds into a compendium of the most bizarre offenses one might commit that would alert the feds to gear up and nail one's ass. Obviously, many of Chase's examples of How to Become a Federal Criminal are historical, and not too relevant in today's world. At least they will be until the wrong people read his book and start "testing the waters" by: clogging a toilet in a national forest (6 months in federal prison); wearing a postal uniform when they don't work for the post office (6 months); and writing a letter to a pirate (3 years).
Lars Mytting's Norwegian Wood: Chopping, Stacking, and Drying Wood the Scandinavian Way has sold over 200,000 copies in Norway and Sweden. The book is both a guide to using your 2 hands to generate heat for warmth and cooking, and a genuine exploration of what Norwegian Wood publishers call "man's age-old predilection for stacking wood and passion for open fires."
Just think of it, in a year or two when we're all allowed to go outside and interact with each other again, you'll become an instant sensation. The dude who builds woodpiles that dazzle and inspire. A real Banksy...meets Paul Bunyan.
The Jedi Path: A Manual for Students of the Force
This ancient training manual imparts the wisdom of early Jedi Masters, detailing the history and hierarchy of the Jedi Order, and what Jedi must learn and demonstrate - from Force mastery to lightsaber combat - to "take their place as defenders of the peace in the galaxy."
Annotated by those who have studied it over generations, the tome's authenticity is highlighted by mementos tucked into its pages, personal notes in the margins of its pages, and even missing pages that have been ripped out by the likes of Yoda, Luke Skywalker, Count Dooku, and Darth Sidious.
Oooh, also, that sweet vaulted exterior you see? It opens mechanically, and to much Star Wars fanfare. Press a button and the doors draw apart. The motion unleashes a symphony of Jedi sound effects through surging blue LED backlighting. Then, slowly, an inner platform rises to reveal - booyakasha! - the exclusive, faux-leather-bound edition of The Jedi Path.
How to Live with a Huge Penis
Boost your confidence to be as big as your bulge! Grow a pair of balls to match your huge cock! How to Live with a Huge Penis explores and allays all the insecurities about the genetic birth defect known as Oversized Male Genitalia, or OMG.
According to authors Dr. Richard Jacob and Rev. Owen Thomas, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG each year. If you're one of them, they urge you not to accept being thrust to the outskirts of society. Don't allow people to poke fun or make you feel inadequate. Learn the skills you need to do some thrusting and poking yourself! Prove adequacy is in the eye of the...eye sitting at the end of a 12" donkey dong!
In addition to bringing you reassurance and hope, How to Live with a Huge Penis provides guidance on: coming out to your friends and family; having sex with a member some may find intimidating; and getting the most out of the unexpected advantages of a huge penis.
How to Swear Around the World
My wife suggested we use these weeks of sheltering in place to learn a new language, and I say, why stop at one? With How to Swear Around the World, we'll learn to bestow one another with titles of "dirty whore" and "lazy SOB" in myriad languages. No assistance of native speakers, piles of translation dictionaries, or the high school French class we like Zoombombing with the "Despacito" video required.
The explicit phrasebook harbors throngs of crudities, everyday blasphemes, and beatific means of suggesting the dude jump roping in the condo directly above you go F himself in dozens of different languages.
Ooh, I see there are also illustrations.
How to Smoke Pot (Properly): A Highbrow Guide to Getting High
Random, but in these times, practical! Plus, you can actually put the skills you'll learn in How to Smoke Pot (Properly) to use immediately - and frequently! - over the next few weeks.
In this Highbrow Guide to Getting High author David Bienenstock explores the best and...the best...of recreational marijuana use in a time he describes as "this bold, new, post-prohibition world."
How to Smoke Pot (Properly) begins with the basics of simple inhalation, and then moves on to more esoteric topics, such as how marijuana makes us more creative, collaborative, empathetic, and open to life's pleasures. Recipes for edibles are included, of course, as are answers to all the FAQs smokers Google when they're high: How can I land a legal pot job?; Should I eat a weed cookie before boarding the plane?; What exactly are snozzberries supposed to taste like?
How to Archer
Did the town spy agency just deem your spy skills non-essential and lay you off? Did your mama put a mask on during your video chat? Has it been so long since you've had sex that you're almost grateful to now have a mandatory quarantine to blame it on?
If you're entering the danger zone of permanent loserdom, you have 2 choices: 1) call Kenny Loggins to commiserate; or 2) get a copy of How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style and Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written.
Samurai: The Japanese Warrior's [Unofficial] Manual
In Samurai: The Japanese Warrior's [Unofficial] Manual Japanese military history writer and historian Stephen Turnbull consolidates and concentrates the research on medieval Japan into 200 pages of training to help you make your bushi officer debut.
To become a member of this fighting class, you'll need to maintain the honor of the samurai, and learn his skills both in and out of battle. The samurai manual covers mastery of: the Way of the Warrior; determining who to kill, and what to do with the heads when they're severed; storming a castle; conducting a tea ceremony; and preparing for entry into the White Jade Pavilion after your death.
How to Poo at Work
How to Poo at Work is the #1 guide for handling the onslaught of a #2 in the presence of co-workers, bosses, and the plumber who's in the bathroom all day today fixing the leak in the bathroom ceiling. And right now, one of the greatest things about the skills shared in this manual is you'll have weeks, maybe even months, to practice and master them before being faced with pooing at work again.
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety
A must-read for every cat parent! How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives consolidates 8 crucial public service pamphlets into a clear, Q&A-style book that will give all cat owners the speaking and reasoning skills they need to teach their kitties to stay safe, be smart, and make good, pure decisions.
In addition to basic gun talks and safety lessons, the guide covers threats ranging from online predators to surviving in the post-apocalyptic wasteland we're heading towards.
How to Take Better Dick Pics Than the Average Bro
We've been living in an era of dick pics for some time now, but if Q1 is any indication, I'd venture to say 2020 will set a new dick pic record. It might even become the Year of Coronavirus...and Dick Pics.
Better brush up on your pork sword snapshots.
Or, if you're more interested in looking at dick pics than taking them, check out this 2020 wall calendar of Nature's Dick Pics.
How to Be a Drug Dealer
If Breaking Bad didn't provide enough of an education, How to Be a Drug Dealer should fill in any gaps left in your study to achieve proficiency and realize success in your pursuit of the street pharmacist profession. In an instructive and illuminating guidebook, author 673126 delivers 60 pages of skills building to help make you the most charismatic, business savvy, intimidating, and high-yielding drug dealer you can be.
How to Pee with Morning Wood
At one page - well, one poster, really - long, How to Pee with Morning Wood is the shortest manual in my manuals of random & dubious skills collection. But don't discount it for brevity. This fast and dirty self-help guide won't just help you deal with the enormous issue many of us face first thing in the morning every single day of our lives, it will also shine as a piece of whimsical wall art, adding immeasurable character to your bathroom.
Though if I had to measure, I'd say 8 to 9 inches.