Come on! You're still not finished with your holiday shopping? Even with online purchasing power enabling you to get it done without ever leaving your couch? Shame on you! And...me. I'm right there with you.
But the countdown is down to single digits, and the advent calendar doors are opening quick. If we don't act now, we might have to leave the house or, worse, go to the mall to wrap up our gift buying this year. Oh crap. And then there's still the actual wrapping up of the gifts we buy.
All online hope isn't lost yet though. There are still a few days to get in on some last-minute buys that will arrive by Christmas. Here are my picks for the best of the last (and probably the last of the best).
Note: Gifts are listed by price, from low to high. All items' prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Lightload Survival Tool Towels $6.25. Lightload Towels are certainly towels by nature, and their viscose construction will absorb water from rains and swims, and sweat from workouts and hot peppers. And they'll do it even better, the company says, than cotton and microfiber. But Lightload's true survivalist nature extends to their applications in the wild. If you're not drying off, you can use your Lightload as a wash cloth, a fire starter, a first aid supplement, a diaper, an insulator, or a mask. The wickable fabric will also keep you both dry and warm during active pursuits in cold weather.
Hopside Down Beer Glass $10. I like to keep my beer almost slushy it's so cold. And I never disrespect wood. These double wall glasses are the perfect solution. They help insulate drinks from hot, grubby hands while keeping your table free from glass marks because there is no condensation.
Beer Savers - Silicone Rubber Bottle Caps $10. More than for dudes who can only get through half a beer (or half their 10th beer) I think Beer Savers are for those who get called away unexpectedly - by a phone call, a crying kid, a burst pipe - mid-sip. And maybe they've been enjoying some suds a little nicer than Bud Light or Yuengling, some large format Belgian import they don't want to feed to the garbage disposal, or risk going flat and stale before they can get back to it.
CAT LED Flashlight with Magnetic Base $10 to $13. Fitted with COB (chip on board) technology, CAT's LED flashlight pours out a 175-lumen flood of light from anywhere you can latch or attach it. The long, rugged ABS body has a pocket clip at the back and a magnetic base that will hold tight either to your shirt and tent pole, or your fuse box and hood.
Nunchuck Grips - Self-Defense Tool & Storage Grips $14 to $55. Squeeze hard and stay safe. Nunchuck Grips are a line of outdoor product grips whose hollow centers make way for your choice of quick-release personal safety gear. Install a pair of Nunchucks on your existing bike's handlebars, or check out the company's umbrellas and trekking poles, and choose to stuff them with a custom-fit self-defense knife or pepper spray, or stash tube.
Thug Kitchen 101: Fast as F*ck $15. All the thugliness, half the effort. Thug Kitchen: Eat Like You Give a F*ck follows up its bestselling debut with this faster, simpler, and more f*cking thugged out motherf*cker of a cookbook, Thug Kitchen 101: Fast as F*ck. From comfort food to one pot meals, these b*tches guarantee all their recipes will be healthier, tastier, cheaper, and quicker to hit up your stomach than delivery.
3D Chocolate T-Rex Mold $20. The 3D Chocolate T-Rex Mold brings together 4 fun activities, at least one of which everyone in the family's gonna enjoy: baking; building; dinosaur action figure playtime; and sending large quantities of chocolate straight down the hatch.
Mysseuse Self-Massager & Towel Holder $20. The knobby Mysseuse screws into your wall--most probably your bathroom wall, but the kitchen could work too for all you tightly-wrought cooks out there--like a towel / robe /coat hook. Its 5 pegs give you height options for the ball's position so when you lean into it you can start the kneading at juuuust the right spot. When the massage is finished, throw your terry cloth onto the Mysseuse, tell the ball to hold on tight, and enjoy a little loose 'n' relaxed naked happy dance all through the house.
Wild Game Jerky Sampler Pack $20. A gift-ready conglomeration of strips and sticks, Buffalo Bob promises the finest random assortment of alligator, buffalo, elk, kangaroo, ostrich, pheasant, venison, and wild boar jerky an Andrew Jackson can buy. All slow-smoked exotic meats have been extracted from the finest cuts and dried for up to 7 hours. I like how when alive, encountering an alligator or an ostrich scares the bejeezus and other bodily fluids out of me, but when meeting them in jerky form the tables turn and I sink my teeth right into their flesh without a second thought.
Spare Me 5-in-1 Auto Rescue Tool $25. In addition to clearing caked windshields, the 5-in-1 Spare Me can also assist with auto rescues during the following unpleasant situations:
- Flat Tires. Flip the Spare Me to teeth-side-down and use it as a back-saving tire lift when you're putting on a spare.
- Tire Removal. Whether you're changing a flat or just swapping out your standards for snow tires, the Cheater Bar on the Spare Me's handle end helps loosen lug nuts and provides additional torque.
- Slick Spots. Wedge the tool's teeth under the front of your tire to add traction and help eliminate your stuckness.
- Snowed or Mudded In. The flip side of the Spare Me also serves as a shovel for digging out snow, mud, and debris.
Executive Drop Mic $25. Beef up your display of triumph and self-aggrandizement without going so far as to set up a real (expensive) piece of equipment for a life of damage and destruction. A novelty / gag gift for the office, the Fantasy Football League Awards Ceremony, or your next dinner party, the Executive Mic Drop is a slick silver microphone prop nestled into a cloth-lined wood box. The heavy-duty mic is resistant to drops dainty and dramatic alike, and is a particular fan of drop fails that end up in your friend Cornelius' Stanley Cup stein of beer.
Boker Plus Hawkit Neck Knife Axe $25. Boker made a wee mini axe to dangle from your neck. The Hawkit Neck Knife Axe won't do much good if you need to fell a tree, or even chop up some kindling, but as a funkily-shaped multi-tool and piece of EDC, it will take a swing at your beer bottles, nails, and loose threads.
WiFi Car Diagnostic Scan Tool $30. This particular scan tool, like most, plugs into your car's On-board Diagnostics (OBD) port, and sends information about the vehicle to one of several available smartphone apps (your choice, this is just the hardware) as you drive. Get instant and continuous readings of actual miles per gallon, airflow, and tire pressure, plus notification of issues, and their corresponding trouble codes. So you can determine without dragging your car to the shop why, say, the check engine light came on. Again. (Just a loose gas cap. Again.)
The Nessie Family Kitchen Utensils $32. The whole fam Nessie damily would like to take a swim in your kitchen brews and stews. Papa the colander spoon in your cooked pasta. Mama the ladle in your tomato soup and passion fruit punch. And Baby Nessie in your steaming hot flowering penis mug of chamomile tea.
QuadHands Soldering Tool & Vise $45. Four flexible metal gooseneck arms with alligator clamp ends extend from the powder coated steel base of the QuadHands desktop tool. The arms are designed to stay put once positioned, and the clamps can rotate 360 degrees, and then "lock" in place with knurled thumb nuts. Removable silicone clamp covers protect your delicate electronics.
SteakChamp Perfect Steak Thermometers $45. If you believe any steak not cooked precisely the way you want it is a steak wasted, this series of thermometers could save you many waves of disappointment. Unabashed in their high opinions of themselves, the SteakChamps come programmed for Rare, Medium Rare, Medium, or Medium Well cook temperatures. Once inserted in a grilling steak, the selected thermometer will flash its red light slowly to indicate when the meat is close to the desired temperature, and then fast when it's time to remove it from the heat. The fast, double flash continues as the steak rests, stopping when juices have settled and the SteakChamp is ready for removal.
Trac-Grabber "Get Unstuck" Traction Tools $50. The consensus is that these Trac-Grabber traction blocks work terrific for some people and lousy for others. Level of success seems to be based on: type of car; usage scenario; and user skill and experience with getting a car unstuck, and driving in general. (But no one really admits that last one.)
Power Reels Constant Resistance Fitness Tool $60 to $70. Don't get too excited, fishermen. Power Reels might help you build the strength to pull in the big one, but these dumbbell-resistance band hybrids are all about self-imposed, not catch-imposed, sweat, burn, and grunt. A portable fitness tool and total body gym, Power Reels are designed to provide constant resistance over the full range of the exercise you're using them for, making your muscles work harder to move weight that feels much more intense than the 3-, 5-, and 8-pound resistances the Reels come in.