I learned my most important lesson about frenemies from The Golden Girls. It's that sometimes passive aggressive words and social interactions aren't enough. It's that sometimes I need my frenemies to throw a party. Invite everyone they know. So they can see the biggest revenge gift will be from me, and the card attached will say, "Thank you for being a frenemy."
With Valentine's Day coming up, I've been thinking a lot about the ones I love. Which leads to me thinking a lot about the ones I don't care so much for, but sort of pretend I do because we have history or they're part of the group or because if I stop hanging around them I won't be able to witness their failures and make sure my life is still better than theirs.
And it wouldn't be nearly as fun to enact pranks and practical jokes on people I really like, and pranks and practical jokes are SO MUCH FUN to enact, so frenemies do serve an important purpose. If you're reading this, you probably agree.
Or you're just super pissed at your own frenemy, and want some revenge. In the mild to moderate range, since you're still gonna have to see this person regularly, and don't want your sweet slice of payback to backfire and end up causing you more strife than your frenemy.
So here's a quick rundown of some options that will annoy, embarrass, and / or freak out your frenemy, but that you can ultimately brush off with your Super Sincere Face and confused exclamation of, "It was just a joke! I thought you'd think it was funny!" (There are also a few anonymous gift options for those who haven't mastered the Super Sincere Face and confused exclamations yet.)
Note: Frenemy revenge gift prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Prank Magnetic Bumper Stickers
My friend (frenemy!) Cornelius put one of these prank bumper stickers on my car a couple years ago, and even though I realized it was magnetic and therefore easily removed shortly after retracing my drive to the soft-serve ice cream shop and stopping to inform all pedestrians and bicycle riders and cars that looked like I may have passed them on my way there that I do not in fact heart Cleveland Steamers, Cornelius is still sprouting dandelions from his rectum 'cause HIS ASS WAS GRASS!
A grand practical joke for people with a tinge of mean in their spirits, these magnetic bumper stickers broadcast to the world any of the following 411 about the drivers whose cars they decorate: Warning Drive May Be Jerking Off; I Have Herpes; I Love Crack Whores; I Brake 4 Your Sister; and This Vehicle Stops at All Adult Bookstores.
Joker Greeting Nonstop Musical Prank Cards
Open the cover of one of Joker Greeting's simple and lovely cards to reveal a heartwarming message: "Happy Birthday forever;" "A baby is a gift that keeps on giving;" "May your heart and home come to be filled with the spirit of Christmas forever." Awww. Your recipient will be touched that you want to wish them eternal happy birthdays, congratulations, and merry Christmases, and then feel even more warm and fuzzy when he or she realizes you spent a few extra bucks on a card that also plays a song (or makes the adorable sound of a crying baby!)
Two times through. Three times. Seven times. Uh...how do I stop this thing?
And just like that The Joker is wild. Once it starts playing it doesn't stop until the battery dies. Or the recipient kills it with blunt force. Like, a sledgehammer's worth, as precedent indicates The Joker is a tough little SOB. Left to its own devices, the card will continue to play for anywhere from 3 to 5 hours. Like a big fat sloppy wet kiss from the God of Nervous Breakdowns.
The prank intensifies when the card's recipient politely tries to stop the music too. Press the button again once it starts and things will get a little louder. Again? Louder. Again? The Joker has 4 built-in levels of increasing volume.
WTF Prank Candles
WTF does using the term "WTF" in reference to a candle mean? In a nutshell: "Mmmm, this smells incredible! Just like the apple pie my grandma used to make with the shortbread crust and the....gaaaaasssspppp!. W...T...F...is that smell?! Is that...is that...dirty farts?!" Yessir, it is. I mean, unless it's sweaty gym socks or stank breath, one of WTF Candles' other n-ass-ty scents that suddenly ass-aults your nasal p-ass-ageways.
Like many women, WTF Candles start out sweet, and then 25% into your relationship with them, turn unbearably suffocating and rank for the remaining 75% of their burn time. Commonly called layered or switch scent candles, some companies produce these lovely and sensual gift items as a way to give yourself, a friend, or a loved one multiple delightful aromas in one. But not WTF Candles. WTF Candles stirs shit up a little, and crafts their candles especially for use in pranks or, even better, revenge.
Broken Glass 3D Window Stickers
Which shall "shatter" your frenemy's windshield: a golf ball; a baseball; or a tennis ball? These 3D broken glass stickers are high on my list of recommended frenemy revenge pranks because they're pretty mild. Enough to cause emotional turmoil and aggravation, but not for long because the target will realize pretty quick upon approach that it's just a practical joke.
Embarrassing Box Prank Mailer
D*ck in a Box is back! Just in time to dil-dole out some good times at the office, or at the front door of the dude who consistently drinks the most and then kicks in half of what he owes when everyone goes for beers after the Tuesday night basketball league.
Like many popular send-it-anonymously pranks, maker Witty Yeti will take a sworn oath to mail your desired recipient a BigAssDildos.com tube without ever revealing who shipped it to them.
Unless you want the credit, in which case you have the option of adding a note to the package-bearing package.
For an additional fee, you can also upgrade your mail-order Big Ass Dildo to include a signature requirement. So not only will your boss / brother / ex / mother-in-law have their name stamped all over the box, they'll have to come on out to greet the delivery man and sign for it in person. Fingers crossed it's in front of the whole office or ladies' garden club.
A Hole Paperweight
Kind of on the pricey end of revenge, but it might be worth it if you get to watch your frenemy open this gift and work out its rebus meaning. As a bonus, Fred Conlon handmakes these superb and superbly clever A Hole Paperweights from reclaimed steel, so with any luck the recipient will also drop it on his or her foot at some point.
If you don't want to give the paperweight to your favorite jerkus majorus, just sit it on your own desk and see how many co-workers filtering through figure it out. It takes one to know one, yeah?
Harvard Law...Just Kidding Shirt
Works especially well if your frenemy was actually rejected from Harvard Law, or if you went to Harvard Law but s/he didn't. But should do the trick even if s/he's just the type of underperforming kid who never lived up to potential, and is basically a disappointment to the world.
At least in your mind.
The Phantom Keystroker
Made in the innocent likeness of a flash drive, the PC Prankster plugs into any USB port and, based on its toggle switch setting, drives the next person to use the receiving computer down one of three different roads to insanity. Instigate a friend's, relative's, or co-worker's meltdown with one of the following options:
- Caps Lock. Randomly enables and disables the Caps Lock key.
- Keyboard. Splatters garbled text all over open documents and spreadsheets.
- Mouse. Prompts erratic, uncontrollable cursor movements.
In an effort to preclude bodily injury or death to the deliverer of the practical joke, the PC Prankster will never activate a keyboard's Enter key, nor will it close or save open documents.
Special Ingredients Shitzlinger Action Pack
In case you're not familiar with Shomer-Tec's Special Ingredients, they come in vials filled with powders or liquids meant to instantly give you a bad day.
Looking to get your frenemy back for filling your car with balloons (lame...). Come back hard with some Purple Rain Powder.
Did your frenemy let 100 crickets loose in your AC vents? Let me introduce you to some Nasal Nausea Military Grade Putricant.
Jeremy Lewis been kissing your girlfriend after gym class? Try some Hellfire & Brimstone Itching Powder to dull his enthusiasm.
Ship Your Enemies Glitter
They say, "Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.," and I say, "Oh hell yeah it is." Glitter is hideous. Glitter spreads like wildfire. Glitter gets into crevices you didn't even know you had. And once you get a big pile of glitter on you, you can't get rid of it. Ever. That's why it's also the perfect F you gift to send to your frenemies, nemeses, and, most of all, your ex-girlfriend Karen. Completely anonymously, courtesy of ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com.
Whalecum, my frenemies! We have nothing but whalecum for you in this house. Spermy the Whale gives a gushing "Hello!" to all guests who cross the threshold in this delightful Whalecum Mat.
The doormat's creators call it "the dopest doormat on the planet," and while my fiancee would replace the word "dopest" with "grossest," I myself wholefootedly agree with them.
Peeping Creeper Prank Prop
Does it get any better than scaring the Whitman's Sampler and Conversation Hearts out of the frenemy who gave you a "Sorry You're Single" Valentine by hanging up a fake creeper in a hoodie staring into their living room window at night? Not really.
They call this peeping Tom simulation a Halloween prop, but anyone who doesn't haul it out on every major holiday is wasting some first-rate prank material, and perpetuating a mind-numbing day of niceties and greeting cards.
Annoy-a-tron Prankster Pack
Combining the ethos that nothing is scarier than one's own imagination with the ethos that creeping someone out to the cusp of a complete mental breakdown is great fun, we have...The Annoy-a-tron Prankster Pack. That strange scratching sound coming from their (allegedly electronic) mouse? The single, gasping last breath released at random intervals? The barely audible, yet markedly sinister child's laugh? They hear it. They know they hear it. It's disturbing. It's F'ing messed up. And it's right...where?! Where is it coming from?!
Beef Jerky Flower Bouquets
Obviously good only for frenemies who are vegetarian. Anyone else would consider you a BFF for this gift of meaty sentiment. Alternatively, if there's someone you've been trading shade with and you want to end the feud, a jerky bouquet might be a poetic way to say you've got no more beef with them.
Say It with Beef makes jerky flower arrangements, or Jerky Broquets, in your choice of original, peppered, teriyaki, or mixed jerky flavors lovingly shaped into in bunch o' roses or daisies. You can also opt for either a pint glass or beer mug display "vase."