Stuff to Help You Poop
A collection of stuff to help you poop isn't the most Dudely list or gift guide I've put together for you (though it might be the most Dadly.) But I bet my suggestions for getting your shit creek flowing, plus taking care of the bathrooms and public space where you let it loose, will end up being the most useful. Maybe even the one reference on this site you keep coming back to - especially when you're sitting on the john, or need a crappy gift for a white elephant party or father-in-law's birthday.
So get ready to drop your deuce, plop your rolls, and herd your turds like the doo-doo-it-yourself master crapsman you could be with my gold star goods for your brown star pursuits. Enjoy my guide to stuff to help you poop.
Poop Like a Champion Cereal
Fiber is a mover and a shaker, especially inside your GI tract. Poop Like a Champion Cereal boasts a number-two-inducing blend of soluble and insoluble fiber, packed into little nuggets the shape of the superstar you'll feel like after your bowels meet a bowl of it.
OK, maybe a bowl of Poop Like a Champion cereal, plus an hour or two for its corn bran, whole grain sorghum flour, psyllium husk, and inulin to take effect.
Squatty Potty Bathroom Toilet Stool
Think posturally correct pooping. Yes, it's a thing. Sitting on your porcelain sidekick with your feet resting on a 9" stool, torso pitched forward approximately 35 degrees, is going to improve the efficacy of your poops. Put an end to your constipation. Alleviate your hemorrhoids. Prevent the colon disease you can just feel coming on some days, such as when you eat Taco Bell and Carl's Jr. in one sitting. The Squatty Potty is going to make you a gloriously healthier you!
That's what they say, anyway. And at under $30, can't hurt much to give it a
Smooth Move Tea
Eating that 28-ounce porterhouse with a bloomin' onion side: not a smooth move. Drinking an all-natural herbal tea with natural laxative properties for relief: Smooth Move.
Maybe you dudes already heard about Smooth Move Tea from your girlfriends or wives or yoga instructors, but I had to wait until a particularly rough bout of shitlock and hear about Traditional Medicinals' miracle brew from a pregnancy blog that showed up when I typed, "Please make me poo" into the Google.
Smooth Move Tea is a constipated man's unicorn. It's a fully herbal supplement, caffeine-free so you can drink it before bed (recommended) and it works - like the stuff of magic and myths! - overnight (i.e., 6 to 12 hours).
Pooping Please Come Back Later Doorknob Sign
Sometimes pooping is more about your psychological than your physical state. Like, maybe you can't poop in a public bathroom when someone is in the stall next to you. Or in a public bathroom at all. Or in any bathroom that isn't your own. Or in your own bathroom when people they call your wife and kids are yelling at you about dishes and soccer practice and the new Nintendo Switch through the door.
At least in the latter case, a Pooping Please Come Back Later Doorknob Sign could give you the privacy you need to do your business in peace.
Vibrant Capsule Vibrating Laxative Pill
I mean, how did Vibrant figure out that swallowing a vibrating pill could create an internal laxative effect? Be honest guys. Someone swallowed one of those bullet vibrators and came in for emergency surgery and a pants full of poo, didn't they? And you were like, Dammit, not again! But...always with the poo. The vibrator...and the poo. Hmmm....
Though not yet available in the US, the Israeli-made Vibrant Capsule has undergone full development and study through phase II testing with the undeniable effect of curing constipation through vibration. It's a pill with a classic casing, but instead of drugs and chemicals inside, it has a data receptor that receives information from a base unit to make it begin vibrating. That movement induces peristalsis, the natural constriction / relaxation of your intestinal walls that create wavelike movements, pushing your poop along and out the back door. So, yep, the Vibrant Capsule is yet another way a little vibration can assist in your efforts to get some motion in the ocean.
These little pink pills contain ox bile and pancreatic lipase, both intended to aid in the digestion of fatty foods. If you feel constipated, bloated, and gassy after eating stuff like nuts, cheese, and red meats, or if you're on a high-fat diet, Beta-TCP could provide some relief, and assistance in the bathroom.
The pills also contain organic whole beet concentrate, which gives them their bright hue. Recommended dosage is 1 to 3 pills with meals.
Note: Beta-TCP tablets are considered supplements, and have not been evaluated or recommended by the FDA.
Gotta Go Poncho - Disposable Poncho Toilet
Broken into parts, the Gotta Go Poncho is one part garbage bag with a hood and sleeves, and 2 parts garbage bags with loop handles and a parachute bottom. The first drapes over your body for "privacy." The second you cup under your keister or crotch so you can, you know...
...take a dump from virtually anywhere! Because sometimes you just gotta go.
And when the gotta going is complete, well, if you have a dog you know what to do: tie that baggie up tight and dispose of it responsibly.
TentLab Deuce Backpacking Trowel
I could probably write a whole blog on stuff to help you poop in the woods, but for now we'll stick with what most hikers, campers, and environmentalists would probably consider the most important: stuff to help you bury your poop in the woods.
TentLab's Deuce is an ultra lightweight backpacking trowel that will help you deal with all kinds of shit during hiking and camping trips. At 0.6 ounces, or the weight of 3-1/2 teaspoons of water, the Deuce is your righthand man for cover-ups. Your cleaner. Your perfect 6-inch-deep gravedigger for the bodily function you gotta get rid of quick, before it infiltrates a water source, or another hiker's shoe.
Unicorn Gold Toilet Spray
For all the ladies out there who want a unicorn. And the ones who want pure gold. And especially those who claim their shit don't stink. Now you can have it all.
Even cooler than the science of matches, fans, and Febreze for dousing out the stench of your doodies is the science of real gold and essential oil barriers blocking it from entering the room in the first place. Maker Squatty Potty says their Unicorn Gold's 100% colloidal gold nano-particles attract and kill odors on contact, both inside the bowl and above the water's surface. And since oil and water don't mix, when you spritz your Tropical Dropsicle into the bowl before you go, the natural, non-toxic oils in the spray will linger at the surface, creating a shield between what plops below and what sniffs and gags and asks why your ass can't be fake news when they come into the bathroom after you.
For Fido: Dog Doorbells
Don't forgot your pooch when you're allocating funds to the rear end deposits department. Maybe he wouldn't have left you that steaming pile in the living room if he'd had a better way to let you know he needed to leave it outside.
Dog Doorbells give doggos who gotta go an easy means of alerting their owners, and one that's preferable to barking, whining, scratching, and giving up and doing it in the house to all parties involved. The bells are easy to install on a doorknob, and adjustable in length to accommodate most sizes of dogs.
The Toilet Timer
The opposite of the Pooping Please Come Back Later Doorknob Sign, because some people work better under pressure. And nothing says Shit or get off the pot! more effectively than a Toilet Timer. This little john-specific sand timer keeps everyone who enters the bathroom to an honest 5 minutes of destruction time per squat.
How to Poo at Work
The How to Poo at Work manual of doo-dooing with dignity and class circumvents the stress, malaise, and possible utter embarrassment involved with deuce dropping on the clock. Its pages are filled with step-by-step instructions, plus handy diagrams for visual learners, covering hot topics such as: the boss is in the next stall; the toilet gets clogged; a co-worker follows you into the bathroom; and there's no toilet paper.
I hope there is also a section on disappearing to the bathroom a half dozen times within a 30-minute period due to having shotgunned a 60-ounce cup of coffee with a bag of prunes for breakfast this morning....
When you're sittin' on the john and the toilet paper's gone, be a man, use your hand...or get some Shittens.
Protecting ourselves from fecal matter is often a priority right up there with producing it. Shit is gross. That's why it's the star of biting zingers such as "Shithead," "Shit for brains," and "Eat shit and die." Shittens are disposable wet wipes sewn up like winter mittens. They cover the entirety of your hand, and do a 360-degree job of cleaning up all the nooks and crannies where sneaky #2s strike, without exposing your palm, knuckles, and fingers to a direct encounter.