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Stuff That Makes It Worse Before Making It Better

Posted: October 24, 2019
Swell Stuff That Makes It Worse Before Making It Better

Dudes, this is gonna hurt. My collection of stuff that makes it worse before making it better includes a fat wad of items that are going to cause you some physical pain and discomfort while you're using them. But. They'll ultimately help solve a problem you have that's way more painful and uncomfortable.

Or at least bad enough that you're willing to walk on pointy spikes and dump water up your nose in a desperate attempt to find some relief.

From aches to aggravations to sore muscles to nose hairs growing like a backyard full of bamboo, here are my tips for some swell stuff that's gonna make you feel a little bit worse before it makes you feel a whole lot better.

Ossur Cold Rush Injury Therapy Machine

Ossur Cold Rush Injury Therapy Machine
Ossur Cold Rush Injury Therapy Machine

A machine that turns your achy and busted up body ice cold in an effort to fix it is probably the least offensive of the items in this list. But still. It's Ice. Cold. Those first couple minutes after the freezing temperatures hit your ankle / knee / shoulder / nutsack, and you're trying to suck it up long enough for the numbness to set in. What an unpleasant first world problem!

Ossur's Cold Rush device is essentially a small cooler with a motor, tubing, and a line of body part-specific pads that deliver continuous cold therapy to whatever has you aching, laid up, and ticked off. Fill its chest with ice and water and Ossur says the Cold Rush will output a constant stream of chill and compression to help soothe and reduce pain and swelling. The device's cooling motor is the same as those used in mobile air conditioners and refrigerators.

$199.99 ➠ Amazon

Nose Wax Kit

Nose Wax Kit

The Nose Wax Kit makes quick and, although I haven't tried it, undoubtedly 8/10 painful, work of extracting those wiry and wily follicles from your nostrils. How you do it is by first covering your upper lip in a protective sheet with a fake mustache on it (?) and then dipping a plunger-looking applicator into the wax. Insert the wax into a nostril and wait 1 to 2 minutes for it to set. That's probably gonna feel weird, but just imagine you have a nose bleed and had to stick a wad of Kleenex up there to plug it.

After the wax has hardened, the real fun begins. You get to yank the wand back out. As fast as possible. While screaming for your mama. And then, as the blinding pain subsides, you can behold: an array of needly nose hairs banished from your nose, and now sticking out every which way from the hunk of wax in your hand. It's going to be beautiful.

$11.99 ➠ Amazon

Pavlok Habit Conditioning Device

Pavlok Habit Conditioning Device
Pavlok Habit Conditioning Device

"Habit conditioning device." Yeah. That's a euphemism for "Wristband that shocks the bejeezus out of you when you F up. But hey, if it's good enough for training the dog, it's good enough for training you.

Pavlok thinks so anyway. And most people who were spanked as kids or repeatedly got hit in the face playing dodgeball would probably agree that the infliction of physical pain is a terrific teaching tool (stop mouthing off, stick to chess club). So the Pavlok bracelet, a wearable device that delivers a mild electric shock when you piss it off, might be your best bet for breaking some of your worst habits.

$199.99 to $209.99 ➠ Amazon

Theragun G3 Percussive Therapy Device

Theragun G3 Percussive Therapy Device
Theragun G3 Percussive Therapy Device

Need some physical therapy? Hold on, lemme grab my handheld jackhammer.

The TheraGun muscle massager might be the non-human massager to end all massagers. In fact, I'd bet a crisp Abe Lincoln it could give most human professionals a run for their money too. Tension and pain relief, increased blood flow, relaxation...well. I wouldn't put relaxation at the top of the list of benefits you'll receive during TheraGun use.

$399 ➠ Amazon

Kkika Rotating Acupressure Slippers

Kkika Rotating Acupressure Slippers

No pain, no gain, right? More precisely, in the world of acupressure and Kkika's Rotating Acupressure Slippers, it's no pain, no relief of pain.

The Rotating Acupressure Slippers are designed to take the place of needles, fingers, and elbows in the treatment of meridian line blockage in the feet. Kkika says wearing the slippers provides a deep foot massage that is good for circulation, and can help reduce pain associated with leg cramps, arthritis, back pain, and headaches. They also say wearing the slippers hurts like a mother.

Nearly 100% of firsthand reviewers agree.

$21.95 ➠ Amazon

Neti Pot Sinus Cleaner

Neti Pot Sinus Cleaner

The first time someone told me about Neti Pots I thought they sounded like some new age hippie yoga naturopath weirdness that would most certainly make me feel like I just sucked an ocean wave up my nose. Seeing a Neti Pot in person only solidified this belief.

Then I tried one. And holy crap was I right!

But also, holy crap did it work. This item should up its branding game. Instead of Neti Pot I'd call it Snot-Be-Gone, The Nasal Old Faithful, or Firehose for the Nose.

$9.99 ➠ Amazon

HyperIce Vyper Vibrating Foam Roller

HyperIce Vyper Vibrating Foam Roller
HyperIce Vyper Vibrating Foam Roller

Yes, ladies, it's kind of like a vibrator for all your other muscles.

Only the Vyper doesn't build pleasantly to an explosively happy ending, but rather starts as a dull ache that crescendoes into, as its name would suggest, a sharp, paralyzing bite. But one that's good for you!

You've might have seen foam rollers before, and you might have seen HyperIce brainchildren before, but this hybrid of hurts so good combines the two for a very special therapeutic experience. The HyperIce Vyper is a foam roller with built-in high frequency vibration technology.

$199 to $229.99 ➠ Amazon

Private Gym Penis Trainer

Private Gym Penis Trainer
Private Gym Penis Trainer

I don't think training with the Private Gym will create intense physical pain, more just a mild malaise. And even that will stem largely from the use of a penis trainer sounding, looking, and feeling awk!ward!

The Private Gym homes in on the one part your Beachbody video stream neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, this penis trainer would like its shot at ripping your member to shr-...uh.... Maybe I'll go with a different idiomatic expression for muscle building in and around this particular area.

Take 2: The Private Gym would like its shot at building you a boner of steel capable of achieving orgasms more powerful than the Hulk wearing Mark III.

If the claims prove true, it will also prevent premature ejaculation, enable greater ejaculatory force, support bladder control, alleviate incontinence, and improve prostate health.

$99.99 ➠ Amazon

Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager

Beastie Bar Deep Tissue Massager

They term the type of massage RumbleRoller's Beastie Bar delivers "aggressive." I think you could also call it "penetrating," "effectively deep," and "more painful than a head-butt in the hamstring from a unicorn." Look at this ominous mace of a health and wellness tool. Dig that thing into your knotted back or calf and it's gonna elicit some explicit facial contortions, and possibly some explicit audio. But if RumbleRoller and John Cougar Mellencamp are to be believed, sometimes these things don't feel like they should not because they hurt, but because they hurt so good.

$48.50 ➠ Amazon
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