Strange, Silly & Standout Swimwear

Posted: May 28, 2019

My collection of strange, silly, and standout swimwear is for dudes and ladies who march to the beach of their own drum. Sun bums who aren't just ready for, but who crave the double-takes and ogles they'll get from everyone on the sand and at the pool (or at the bar?) who sees them wearing one of these crazy takes on bikinis and board shorts, swimsuits and speedos.

Enjoy my 2019 swimwear line of strange, silly, and standout.

Ramen Swim Trunks

Nothing like a hot bowl of Ramen to make you feel cool on a sunny summer day. The only thing elevating this pair of Ramen swim trunks higher: its noodles and soft-boiled eggs and beefy bits are all swimming in their brown broth 'round the lucky wearer's, and lucky folk looking at the wearer's, crotch.

$15.99 to $26.99 ➠ Amazon

90s Jazz Cup Board Shorts

Did you know this splashy seafoam and electric purple design, this perfect representation of the 90s in a cup, is called the "Jazz pattern"? I didn't either until I started searching for what to call these sweet decade-driven board shorts. Jaaazzz. I like it. I only wish the dude modeling them would have shown me some hands to match.

$22.99 ➠ Amazon

Trucked Swim Shorts

Nice try, dude. Even in a pair of Trucked trunks, with all the ice cream man's goodies on display, the ladies still aren't going to lick you there. You may have decent success in getting a kid, and maybe a fat guy or two, to eat your shorts though.

Extra points to these ice cream novelty shorts for including the treats' prices next to them, even though it's kinda depressing to me to see what a bomb pop is going for in today's dollars.

$48 ➠ RageOn!

The Jacksonville Jeankini

Nothing like a little water-wicking, sand-repellent denim to max out the good times at the beach. According to Shinesty, this one-piece is "straight out of Daytona Beach where jorts are king." So. Which of you ladies are ready to be their Jacksonville Jeankini queen?

$59.99 ➠ Shinesty

Houston Hog Holster Black Acid Wash Jean Swim Brief

Don't worry, dudes, I haven't left you out of the denim pool party. These Hog Holster swim briefs might even beat out the ladies' Jeankini in the standout swimwear rankings. It's a black acid wash version of Shinesty's Jeado, or Daytona Dong Sarong.

$39.99 ➠ Shinesty

Statue of David Bikini

Even though the Statue of David Bikini already has a pair, it's gonna take balls to wear it. Balls and a means of defending yourself against all the moms who attack you with their beach umbrellas for wearing such disgusting and profane pornography around their children! Better start rehearsing what you're going to say about a tribute to Michelangelo and Renaissance-era sculptural masterpieces now.

$50 ➠ RageOn!

Internal Organs Rash Guard Swimsuit

Ladies, show off your real beach bod this summer with an internal organs swimsuit. It's also a combo one-piece and rash guard, so even as you're revealing expansive areas of your anatomical insides, you'll be protecting large swaths of your outsides.

$16.99 ➠ Amazon

Dad Bod Swimsuit

A sexy dad bod to caress and a sexy swimsuit to wear to your next pool outing - talk about having your cake and eating it too, ladies.

Naturally, the sexy dad bod depicted on this one-piece is hairy. Real hairy. Everywhere from pecs to belly to back to ass to...Happy traaaaails to you, until we meet again! No wait, that's not quite true. The swimsuit does take a hair break at the thoracic to lumbar region of its back, both to enhance its real-life accuracy, and to create an equally sexy "fuzzy bikini" look from behind.

$15.99 to $23.99 ➠ Amazon

Irish Setter Magic Pattern Shorts

Designed to be worn for any casual summertime activity, Lacrosse Playground's Convertible Shorts appear to be a normal pair of tea partying men's fashion. When dry. But knock their wearer in the pool right after he comments that he doesn't feel like swimming today (because that's always hilarious) and you'll see they have a couple tricks up their leg.

First, being made of quick-dry polyester microfiber, the shorts also serve as swim trunks that can be donned during a dunk and, post-cool-off, boast a mere 20-minute transformation from wet back to dry. Second, whether patterned or plain while dry, each pair of Convertible Shorts has a hidden design that appears when they encounter water. Or spilled beer. Or accidental loss of bladder control. Plain green shorts go mesh, baby blues grow seesaws, and red beauts with Irish Setters become red beauts with Irish Setters that have taken a collective dump. Take a look, I shit you not.

$45 ➠ Lacrosse Playground

Vortex Swimsuit

Look into my ~~eeeyyyes~~ bellllllyyy buttonnnn. More than just your average lint ball is hiding in the depths of the Vortex Swimsuit's midsection. But as much as this optical illusion might draw you in, better not get too close. The spiraling abyss might suck you right through it.

$5.99 ➠ Amazon

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