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Secret Santa Gift Guide

By: on December 01, 2013
  • Secret Santa Gift Guide
  • Secret Santa Gift Guide

In most cases, Secret Santa participation merely perpetuates the exchange of crap. Reindeer doilies, Dilbert mugs, giant jars of Brach's assorted hard candies, nothing that will stick around more than 24 hours before landing a spot in the trash. Or inside a fresh wad of wrapping paper for the White Elephant party you have tomorrow. But if you don't take part in these gift-giving festivities, you're labeled the Office/Class/Family Scrooge. Any way you look at it, you're getting the short end of the peppermint stick. Unless you turn to us. Your personal Santa Dude. Below we've compiled our 15 best bets not only for dispensing a Secret Santa gift that doesn't suck, but for dispensing a Secret Santa gift that earns you high-fives all around and a reputation on par with the fat man himself.

1) Tritium Keychains - $20

For that person in your office you'd like never to have kids again to make a glowing impression on, these highly radioactive perfectly safe! keychains are the ideal gift. They also hold keys. Buy Now.

2) Curiously Strong Magnets - $7

These tiny, yet curiously strong, neodymium discs even look like mints. But remind their recipient not to eat them unless the intent is to Magneto to his or her gut every paperclip, pair of scissors, thumbtack, and Nuclear Magnetic Resonance Imager s/he passes. Buy Now.

3) Frosty the Nose Thief Sweater - $65

Belly laughs and sexual innuendo abound as Frosty steals a fellow snowperson's nose and inserts it on his crotch. Suitable only if you've drawn the name of someone who has been...or who wants to be...naughty this year. Buy Now.

4) Breakfast Sandwich Maestro - $24

A tower of non-stick electric griddle components that will stack and seamlessly integrate your housemate's favorite morningtime foods into a delectable handheld meal. And also your own favorite morningtime foods. It's a gift everyone...and especially you!...can enjoy! Buy Now.

5) Sure F**k Cologne - $24

No-fail odiferous lady bait. Need a gift for a single man? Look no further. It works 96.5% of the time. Need a gift for a married man? Also recommend the cologne. It works only 86.7% of the time, but that's still better than his probable current rate of 0%. Buy Now.

6) Aerogel - World's Lightest Solid - $39.95

With a composition of 99.8% air (carbon dioxide) and 0.2% silica gel, and the ability to withstand a direct blast from up to 1KG of dynamite, Aerogel was developed by NASA for use in insulating the Mars Rover, proving once again why "rocket scientist" is the standard profession tossed out to establish someone's intelligence. Give a glob to your favorite egghead. Buy Now.

7) LifeStraw Personal Water Filter - $19.95

For the adventurer, the outdoorsman, or the resident of any locale with bacteria-infested water. Removes 99.9999% of protozoan parasites eager to build armies in small intestines. Buy Now.

8) Gallium - Melts-in-Your-Hand Metal - $16

Whether you get stuck buying for an 8-year-old or a 68-year-old, this shiny silver mass that begins liquifying at 85.85 degrees F is sure to get some Ooohs and Ahhhs. Give it to a hot 28-year-old and it might even get you laid. Buy Now.

9) Star Wars Lightsaber Thumb Wrestling - $10.50

How do you declare a thumb war in Wookieespeak? Secret Santa this saber battle ring to the Star Wars fanatic on your co-rec soccer team, and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to tell you. Buy Now.

10) Iron Samurai LED Watch - $5

Definitely give an Iron Samurai watch to anyone you know who is color blind or has no depth perception. Buy Now.

11) Bandit Rubber Band Gun - $24.95

Administration of new healthcare procedures and policies: Mind-numbingly boring. Administration of rubber band projectiles via pump action shotgun: Barrel of monkeys. Turn your office into a barrel of monkeys. Buy Now.

12) Bug-A-Salt Exterminating Shotgun - $38

The Bug-A-Salt might be the coolest thing invented for killing winged and many-legged pests since clapping your hands together and not coming up empty. It deals death using no more than a few granules of table salt and human pumping power. A must-have for any boardroom. Buy Now.

13) Rubik's Cube Mug - $14

Yeah, it's a coffee mug. But it's a coffee mug fashioned in the likeness of a Rubik's Cube, the most challenging and square puzzle ever invented! Give one to a brainy prude who sublimates desires with caffeine, and maybe they will see a little of themselves in your thoughtful holiday offering. Buy Now.

14) Guppie Multi-Tool - $24

Santa may replace kiddies' dead guppies with live guppies, but Secret Santa replaces them with a Guppie Multi-Tool. It will last closer to forever, and also persuade the other kids to put a sock in it when they make fun of Bobby for crying over dead fish. Buy Now.

15) Ghost Pepper Jelly - $7

Suzanne's Ghost Pepper Jelly is a decent gift for the friends and co-workers who always order an emphatic 5 stars of spice when you all go to Royal Thai for lunch. And with a little label doctoring, Suzanne's Ghost Pepper Jelly is an outstanding gift for those who always ask if there is a 0-star option. Buy Now.

Ten More Secret Santa Gift Ideas

Still can't find anything your picky Secret Santa gift recipient will gush over? Screw them! Find something for yourself...

Click here for a few hundred more ideas.

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Deadpool Christmas Tree Ornaments

$30.19 from Amazon »

These Deadpool Christmas tree ornaments will look right at home dangling alongside the Bob Ross Funko Pop figure classing up my mantle. 'Tis the season for happy little trees and Deadpool 2 trailers....

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Frosty the Eunuch Ugly Christmas Sweater

$65 from Amazon »

Ugly Christmas Sweater season is here. The days, they have shortened. The temperatures, they have dropped. And the Tipsy Elves, they have knitted. The tacky, silly, funny, and dirty entries in their 2017 sweater line...

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Feisty Pets Santa Bear

$28.93 from Amazon »

Remember Feisty Pets? The sweet-to-snarling stuffed animals are celebrating the holiday season with a Feisty Santa Bear, the ultimate cuddly teddy who can turn vicious grizzly in the blink of an eye. Or, more accurately...

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The Dude Abides Ugly Christmas Sweater

$49.99 from Amazon »

While I appreciate the idea of this Dude Abides Ugly Christmas Sweater, I think it missed its chance of truly abiding by not making the background a Persian rug motif. Bowling balls and pins are nice and Lebowski affiliated...

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The Christmas Car Tree

$74.99 from Amazon »

If your wife won't let you Clark Griswald it up with a 20' Christmas tree in the house, take your desire to overdo it exuberant holiday spirit on the road with a Christmas Car Tree. The rooftop tannenbaum gives your car...

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The Illuminator - Instant Light Projector

$39.99 - $49.99 from Amazon »

Thousands of decorative lights from the palm of my hand to the branches of my trees, or spans of my walls in minutes. Minutes. Without the hassle of knotted wires. Without the danger of ladders. Without the frustration...

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A Die Hard Christmas

$11.52 from Amazon »

Yippee Ki Yay! A Die Hard Christmas: The Illustrated Holiday Classic is going to be on every kid's man's gift list this year. (Kids probably won't want it. They'll think the John McClane brand of killing and violence...

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LED Snow Flurry Projection Light

$71.97 from Amazon »

Oh the trouble Clark Griswold could have saved himself if only he'd gone on Christmas vacation in the 2010s. Nowadays one little green box fitted with one pint-sized disco ball connected to one tiny projector are all...

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Street Fighter Ugly Christmas Sweater

The embodiment of ugly Christmas sweater awesome right down to the KO, KO, KOs running along its upper border. It's Ken v. Ryu...and a snowflake...in this Street Fighter spin on the most heinous of yarn creations (100%...

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Animated Ugly Christmas Sweaters

$54.95 - $64.95 from Amazon »

I see your ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater, and raise you an ugly Shhh!-ing Santa Christmas sweater with animated eyes bouncing lecherously to and fro as if he were watching a naked lady elf tossing relay and entreating...

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Tactical Holiday Stocking

$19.99 from ThinkGeek »

If you thought your tactical novelties would have to be shelved now that Tactical BBQ Apron-wearing season is over, ThinkGeek is happy to inform you that, au contraire, you can still have a Holly MOLLE Christmas with...

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Bill & Ted Ugly Christmas Sweater

$84.99 from Middle of Beyond »

It's the holidays. Be excellent to each other, dudes. I'm using the Bill & Ted Ugly Christmas Sweater to serve as my own helpful reminder...and also to slay all contests when I party on at the 3 Ugly Christmas Sweater...