Meaty Trends & Cheesy Ideas: Unique Burger Gear & Merch
I decided to do a burger product compilation for 2 reasons: 1) I just heard September 18 is National Cheeseburger Day, so Happy Cheeseburger Day! Here's a bunch of cheeseburger-related merchandise! 2) Now that Impossible Burgers and Beyond Meat and lab-grown meat are getting ground into our daily discourse, it seems like the burger industry is primed for a pop culture resurgence. It might even usurp tacos in the meme / mug / T-Shirt / kitschy gift departments.
So before the real onslaught (unslaught for the plant-based burger lovers) of burger mania I offer these suggestions for the best burger gear and merch to get you a bun up on the trend.
DIY Jet Black Hellfire Burgers
I wouldn't be surprised if the secret ingredient to concocting a jet black burger that looks like it's been roasted on the flames of hell was one that inflicted a weeklong case of Montezuma's Revenge. But, somewhat ironically, these Satan's Especiales achieve their burnt & cursed aesthetic (whilst maintaining a soft chewy bun and succulent juicy beef patty) from medicinal charcoal, a mixture traditionally used to stop diarrhea.
Instructables contributor spunk began experimenting with the black burgers you see above after reading about a similar black food trend in Japan. Those who want to replicate the Hellfire Burgers...or maybe you'd prefer to think of them as Bat Burgers or Dark Knight Sliders...can get their full background, recipe, and cooking instructions here.
As for the black magic, follow the link below to get the burgers' requisite charcoal. spunk mentions having tried both charcoal tablets and charcoal powder, with a preference for the powder since it's easier to handle and cheaper to buy.
Cheeseburger Wrapping Paper
It's not what's on the inside that counts, it's what's on the outside. Right? The good folks at Gift Couture have captured that heart-felt sentiment beautifully with this cheeseburger wrapping paper. This mouth-watering soon-to-be trash includes 5 different wrapping paper designs; a bun, hamburger, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. And while possibly only relevant for occasions that require multiple gifts (Christmas and my birthday) this is still sure to get a good chuckle from your recipient.
Especially if your recipient is Dad.
Silencing Slider - Cheeseburger Ball Gag
I'll have a quarter pounder with...please. Yes please, Master, bite me! Bite me hard and put the marks of your ownership on my flesh while I, your slave, receive my punishment in complete submission. Silently mowing down on the natural food grade silicone rubber of my cheeseburger ball gag, and contemplating the magnificence of your rule...and also what I'm going to order at 5 Guys when we're done here.
In what is probably the best (and only?) demonstration of whimsical, yet practical, BDSM I've seen yet, Gorge Ohwell presents the Silencing Slider. Handmade and ergonomically designed, this fat patty and glutinous bun will "comfortably plug even the loudest of burger holes."
PornBurger: Hot Buns and Juicy Beefcakes
A picture of a Porn Burger is worth a thousand drools. Maybe even a lick. A bite. At the very least a boner. In Porn Burger: Hot Buns and Juicy Beefcakes, self-described "burger pervert" Matthew Ramsey indulges us with the most illicit photographs of beef between bread (and mac 'n' cheese patties, and woven quilts of bacon, and sigh veggie alternatives) I've ever seen.
Cheeseburger Beach Towel
Time to grease up for the beach. I started the day out with tacos, and now I'm ending it with cheeseburgers. I must be hungry today. Or, more likely - given what the taco's used for and what's on top of this cheeseburger beach towel - horny.
The Burger Lounge Chair from Seletti comes plain and dry - you'll have to buy the tomato and pickle pillows separately. But that's good news for the kiddies who freak out if a tomato touches, or even gets within a foot of, anything you hope to see them eat.
The burger patty looks like it's made out of polyester. Or maybe acrylic. So, like, the same stuff White Castle uses.
Slice of Sauce - Sliced Ketchup Singles
Slice of Sauce is ketchup meets Kraft Singles meets Fruit Roll-Ups meets your burger. Your new and improved mess-free burger, since this dried tomato condiment trades in the globs of red goo for a solid, slim, slick...Slice...of Sauce.
Developed by the daughter of a Michigan Upper Peninsula restauranteur (because of course sliced ketchup is from the UP!) Slice of Sauce sells in packages of 8 individual - but not individually wrapped - squares of condiment that is easy to pack, place, and devour without hassle or cleanup. It's also shelf stable so no refrigeration is required.
The Ham Dogger
My friend Dominic is an electrical engineer who used to work for this company developing a chip to implant in the brains of epileptics that would help predict when they were going to have seizures, and if I had one of those chips in my brain, it would send me a seizure alert right now. A hamburger in the shape of a hot dog?! It's almost too much. It's one strip of bacon wrapped around the outside away from Grand Mal sensory overload. It's...it's...Ham Dogger!...it's a miracle.
DCI Yummy Pocket Hamburger Pouch
This burger is at least a double deluxe, a pouch with room for all sorts of little EDC goodies inside its 6" x 6" x 4" circular walls. The DCI Yummy Pocket, version Hamburger, has 2 zippered pouches larger enough to hold phones, pens, lip gloss, money, and credit cards.
Creator Robotic Hamburger Chef & Restaurant
Creator, like any good chef, makes hamburgers from scratch. To order. With great care. But unlike just about every other chef out there (jury's still out on Giada) Creator is a robot. An elaborate burger-slinging machine. And not like your Uncle Jerry who always brags about how he was the burger-slinging machine when he worked at White Castle during college. Creator is a legit machine, 14' tall and fitted with 350 sensors, 20 computers, and 50 actuator mechanisms.
Creator works in the SoMa neighborhood of San Francisco, having opened for business at the end of June 2018.