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Hit the Break: Spring Break Essentials

Posted: February 27, 2020
Hit the Breaks: Spring Break Essentials

Hit the Break - the Spring Break - in 2020 with these Spring Break essentials and you'll be cruising like a boss through your week of beachdom, partydom, and hot-ass-girl-and-boydom. My picks have been hand-selected to assist you in your enjoyment of the sun, the booze, and the booty.

Whether you're flying to Cancun or just lettin' loose in town, get your plan and your gear in order, and this Spring Break is sure to be at trip.

Reusable Ice Luge

Reusable Ice Luge
Reusable Ice Luge

It's been a while since I've poured my liquor down and shoved my tongue up an ice luge. Too long. This seems like a really good gift to bring to a Spring Break party. Or the hotel room of the girls you met at the pool bar earlier this afternoon.

$14.99 to $24.99 ➠ Amazon

Acteon Antibacterial Microfiber Beach Towel

Acteon Antibacterial Microfiber Beach Towel

I'm including a few items in my Spring Break essentials collection that will help prevent you from: 1) catching any weird diseases on the way to your vacation, thereby ruining it; and 2) catching any weird diseases on your vacation, thereby ruining the rest of your year. Life, perhaps.

One is this Acteon Beach Towel, a snazzy microfiber issue that absorbs 3 times its weight in wet swimmers, splashers, and Spring Break pool float overboarders. And if you happen to pick up some sea scum or pool funk on your way out, the towel is also coated in a silver ion antibacterial treatment.

Each Acteon Beach Towel also comes rolled down to a muy packable, portable 3" x 3" x 7" cylinder.

$19.99 ➠ Amazon

Champagne Gun

Champagne Gun
Champagne Gun

In creating this one-handed Champagne Gun, someone must have asked themself, "What would Han do?" Or maybe they saw if Industries' Han Solo DL-44 Blaster Flask prototype, and decided they could do one better than a flask. And a prototype.

So now we have the Champagne Gun, a Spring-Break-ready shooter of the Champagne that requires just one hand and one 750mL bottle of your favorite sparkling wine.

$69.99 ➠ Amazon

Sanuk Yoga Mat Flip Flops

Sanuk Yoga Mat Flip Flops
Sanuk Yoga Mat Flip Flops

Gotta have shoes to flip on quick when you want to flop on the beach, and it would be nice if they didn't give you blisters on your feet during hot concrete walks to get some tacos for lunch, and long, late-night walks back to the Air B&B of the chickadee you met at Shirtless Shug's Shake-It Shack.

Sanuk uses real, squishy, foot-contouring yoga mats to make several lines of flip flops for both men and women. I tried on a pair once a few years ago in the company's homeland of Southern California and they were probably the most comfortable things ever to touch my feet. Well, except for that Pomeranian-skin rug and my wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power's tongue.... Definitely the most comfortable shoes though.

$15 & Up ➠ Amazon

Party Bird Island Raft

Party Bird Island Raft

What's better than a magic carpet ride? A giant pink flamingo party raft. Big enough to bob you and 5 of your best buds around the lake or ocean all day (all SB! all summer!) long!

From lawn ornament to drink holder to raft the size of an automobile, it's taken it 5 decades*, but at last, the flamingo has achieved the pinnacle of commercial success.

*Sculptor Donald Featherstone created the pink flamingo lawn ornament in 1957.

$259.99 ➠ Amazon

Sombra Shade Beach Canopy

Sombra Shade Beach Canopy

Say WassSom, bra?! to fellow surfers, sunners, partiers, and greasy dudes leering at bikini-clad co-eds on the beach this Spring Break. The Sombra Shade beach canopy is a lightweight, low-profile sun blocker made for convenient carry, super easy setup, and constant coverage in the sand.

Sombra Shade design seeks to one-up flyaway beach umbrellas and big, unwieldy canopies with a one-piece Lycra fabric construction and a pair of foldable poles. Setup requires 3 steps: 1) Spread the fabric; 2) Fill the sandbag pouches at the 4 corners; 3) Place the poles and pop it on up.

$30 to $40 ➠ Sombra Shade

PlaneAire Travel Mist - Purifying Disinfecting Spray

PlaneAire Travel Mist - Purifying Disinfecting Spray

PlaneAire Travel Mist knows you counted down the days to your trip to Cabo for 6 weeks leading up to it, and now it's finally here. You've trudged through security, shown your ID 9,000 times, waited in line at the gate, and have finally - finally! - gotten to your seat. And weee! are you ready to enjoy the next 6 hours of your life in the air because Cabo awaits on the other side.

Or rather, it would be waiting if you weren't about to catch a nasty bacterial infection from the 5-strong family of coughers and sneezers sitting beside and behind you.

Unlike standard disinfecting sprays and antibacterial gels, PlaneAire includes no chemicals, alcohol, or bleach in their Travel Mist cocktail of germ-slaying ingredients, opting instead for 100% natural, organic essential oils. The proprietary blend includes 6 of them, which PlaineAire says, in addition to eliminating over 99.99% of surface bacteria, will leave behind "a soothing, herbal scent."

Or rather, it would be waiting if you weren't about to catch a nasty bacterial infection from the 5-strong family of coughers and sneezers sitting beside and behind you, which will keep you holed up in your Dubrovnik hotel room for the first 3 days of the trip you spent the last 6 months counting down to.

$14.99 ➠ Amazon

The Beach Glass - Floating Shatterproof Drinkware

The Beach Glass - Floating Shatterproof Drinkware
The Beach Glass - Floating Shatterproof Drinkware

Made of shatterproof, reusable acrylic. the Beach Glass impales, sand, water, and earth with good spirits. A series of spike-bottomed drinkware for wine, beer, cocktails, mocktails, and plain ol' sodies, Beach Glasses are designed to dig into the sand and turn the whole beach into your cup holder when you're lounging in the sun, and then float along side you at the water's surface when it's time to take a dip in the ocean, lake, or pool.

$12.95 & Up ➠ Amazon

Chug N' Plug Keychain Tool for Shotgunning Beer

Chug N' Plug Keychain Tool for Shotgunning Beer

The Chug N' Plug is a tiny tool that attaches to your keychain. It looks like a plastic house with a cylinder cover. The pointy roof end is the one you use to stab your beer can with, using the Chug N' Plug to puncture and push through aluminum wall, and making sure the 4 walls of the house are fully inserted and locked in place before you assume the shotgun position. Then...

Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga, woot-woot!

$19.99 for a 4-Pack ➠ Amazon

4EST Shades Floating Wood Sunglasses

4EST Shades Floating Wood Sunglasses

They come from the 4EST, but these wood sunglasses have no problem heading to the ocean, lake, or river too. Made from real maple, the wayfarers are lightweight and low-density, so if you drop them in the water, they'll float.

the 4EST floating shades shown here are funkified with etchings along the temples, and have UV400, anti-reflective polarized lenses.

$49.99 ➠ Amazon

Toast! Before You Drink Gummies

Toast! Before You Drink Gummies

I've seen "adult gummies" meant to get you F'd up, but Toast! Before You Drink Gummies are adult gummies that claim to prevent it. Or at least the hangover that follows. The headache. The ass-breath cotton mouth belching forth flavors of rancid whiskey and Coke. The churning stomach that doesn't know whether it wants a pile of bacon or a pile of barf bags. Maybe the second one, and then the first one. Wouldn't want to waste all that good bacon.

The Toast! proprietary formula looks to do 2 major things: 1) break down internal acetaldehyde, a chemical compound produced in the liver when you drink, and one of the leading causes of hangovers; and 2) reduce inflammation, which has a huge hand in creating sinus pressure, headache pain, and bloating.

$34.99 ➠ Amazon

Smuggle Your Booze Sunscreen Flask

Smuggle Your Booze Sunscreen Flask

No booze on the beach! No outside beverages allowed! But. Bring as much sunscreen as you want.

Instead of SPF 30, this innocuous bottle of responsible adult sunscreen contains room for 8 fl. oz. of ABV 40. The Smuggle Your Booze sunscreen flask is easy to fill, no sweat to hide, and possibly the #1 way to stick it to The Man selling 12-ounce plastic cups of Bud Light for $8. And if anyone asks why you're pouring sunscreen in your Coke, just give them a superior smile and tell them you're creating a UV ray barricade from the inside out.

$9.98 ➠ Amazon

myONE Perfect Fit Condoms

myONE Perfect Fit Condoms

Remember when I told you I want to help you avoid going into and leaving your Spring Break with an unpleasant bodily affliction? myONE condoms are your benefactor for the latter. Your personally tailored benefactor.

myONE Perfect Fit Condoms aren't custom-sized condoms, per se, but with 10 lengths, 9 widths, and 60 total sizes available, taking 15 seconds to line up your ruler like so and then wrap around your measuring tape like so is almost guaranteed to reward your efforts with a condom you can call myONE Perfect Fit.

Oh wait, I forgot one thing: you have to get an erection first. So I guess the process will actually take 16 seconds.

$8 to $10 ➠ myONE

NoNetz Anti-Chafe Men's Swim Trunks

NoNetz Anti-Chafe Men's Swim Trunks
NoNetz Anti-Chafe Men's Swim Trunks

Swim trunk season is so close I can almost chafe it. Ugh. Chafing. Thigh rash. Disturbance and unrest in the crotchal region. NoNetz knows these are the potential downsides of spiking beach volleyballs and splish-splashin' in the pool like a mack with an Inflat-A-Bull, and have developed their line of anti-chafe men's swim trunks to eliminate them from the realm of Spring Break fun.

$34.49 to $65 ➠ Amazon
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