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Gifts to Give Someone You're About to Break Up With

Posted: October 31, 2019
Gifts to Give Someone You're About to Break Up With

Breakup gifts can present themselves in a few different forms. 1) You know you want to end things with your s.o., but his / her birthday is coming up and you can't do it right before. Therefore, you need a gift to give someone you're about to break up with. Same goes for Christmas, Valentine's Day, and any sort of anniversary.

2) You've thought about it, you've prepared your breakup speech, but you know delivering the news is gonna suck. You want to let him / her down easy, but no matter what, you know s/he's gonna feel bad, you're gonna feel bad, and tears are probably gonna flow. In this case, giving a gift to the person you're about to break up with could also break up the proverbial ice, and provide a segue into "the talk."

Or just fill in the dead space when there's nothing left to say, but s/he isn't really letting you leave, and holy crap are things getting awkward.

3) At this point your feelings for the person you're dating or in a relationship with fall somewhere between mild dislike and hatred. Maybe they've done you wrong, or maybe they've just done nothing notable at all for the past X years. Either way, you are stoked to get the F out of this situation, and you're ready to do it in a blaze of glory. The right kind of gift could help fan the flames. Intensify the tears and drama, and make sure your severing of sexual ties goes off with a big SNAP!

I've got gift ideas to cover all of the above. Best of all, almost none of them are very expensive. (However, if throwing money at a problem helps alleviate the guilt you know you'll feel dealing with it, there are one or two that should meet your standards.)

Finally, the "nice" gifts to give someone you're about to break up with aim to be somewhat impersonal. No jewelry, photo frames, lingerie, something you made, something your mom made, or anything too thoughtful that could be construed as meaningful and indicative of your future together.

You're Awesome Mug

You're Awesome Mug
You're Awesome Mug

Because nothing goes with feeling gutted better than feeling patronized. Make sure to accompany this gift with the "It's not you, it's me" line.

$11.49 ➠ Amazon

A Plant

A Plant

I never would have thought of giving the recipient of your breakup speech a plant to ease the pain, if the exact thing hadn't happened to me once. It was 2006. Her name was Ellie. She gave me a little...huh. I really have no idea what it is. Something green and small in a terracotta pot. I considered throwing it in the trash after she told me I was great but she didn't want to see me anymore but here's a plant to have as a companion now. But instead I kept it. And it survived for, like, 5 years. The first plant I ever owned that I didn't inadvertently kill within a couple weeks. So, yeah, all in all, not a bad breakup gift.

$3.56 ➠ Amazon

World's Smallest Glow Worm

World's Smallest Glow Worm

"Awww! Is this a mini Glow Worm?" they'll say.

"Yes," you'll respond. "The world's smallest Glow Worm, in fact. Isn't it cool? I thought it might remind you of childhood. I don't think we should see each other anymore. If you press its belly, it even lights up!"

$5.93 ➠ Amazon

Tile Mate

Tile Mate

Is s/he always losing keys or other personal items? The Tile Mate is a stuff finder for everyday things. Paired with an app or voice assistant it ring to identify misplaced items within a 200' Bluetooth range, plus link up to a Tile community to track stuff that's been lost farther away.

I like this as a simple, unsentimental gift for either a dude or a lady you're ready to break things off with...just as soon as [fill in the blank]. And between now and [fill in the blank] you've got to cross a major gift-giving holiday or birthday. It's like, "We're about to break up, but you can Tile Mate for life."

$24.99 ➠ Amazon

TreadReady Adirondack Strap Emergency Traction Device

TreadReady Adirondack Strap Emergency Traction Device
TreadReady Adirondack Strap Emergency Traction Device

I like these tire traction straps for their impersonal thoughtfulness. They're like saying, "I care about your safety, and I don't want you to spin out and die...when I'm gone and you have to start driving yourself places in the snow.

For dudes breaking up with ladies, note that TreadReady Adirondack Straps even come in Don't Worry You'll Feel Whole Again Someday Pink.

$89 ➠ Amazon

Tissue

Tissue

No, I'm not saying you should be a complete asshole and wrap up a box of tissue for your dumpee. But if you think waterworks could feature prominently in your breakup, it would be good of you to have some available to offer like the gentleman / kind lady we all know you are.

And then when the hard part is over, perhaps you could whip out one of these Kleenex-Munching Cat Tissue Box Covers to lighten the mood, and leave behind as a memento of how considerate, good-humored, and feline-loving you are, even when you're breaking hearts.

$10 to $25 ➠ Amazon

Girlfriend / Boyfriend Written Performance Evaluation

Girlfriend / Boyfriend Written Performance Evaluation
Girlfriend / Boyfriend Written Performance Evaluation

And now on to the mean-spirited Sayonara! gifts. You can use Matthew Bowers' Written Performance Evaluation to provide your future ex an invaluable service: succinct, numerically-based insight not only into what they did wrong during your relationship, but also into how they can improve their ratings and become the type of significant other their future partners will not want to break up with.

The listing below is for girlfriend performance. Click here for boyfriend performance.

$7.95 ➠ Amazon

Boyfriend / Girlfriend Pillow

Boyfriend / Girlfriend Pillow
Boyfriend / Girlfriend Pillow

A replacement. Of sorts. Something to help quell the all-consuming feelings of loneliness and despair that overtake your newly minted ex as s/he tries to fall asleep at night. Deliberately headless, so s/he can imagine your head in the empty space.

And if that doesn't work, you might maybe sometimes be available for the occasional booty call.

Link below goes to the 'roided-out boyfriend pillow. Click here for the anatomically wacked out girlfriend pillow.

$29.98 ➠ Amazon

UNT / ICK Mug

UNT / ICK Mug
UNT / ICK Mug

And as my final act, I will tell you what I really think of you.

For 10/10 Good Riddance, fill with hot coffee first, and dump into dumpee's lap during gift handoff.

Link below goes to UNT Mug. Click here for the ICK.

10.47 ➠ Amazon
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