And I mean very NSFW. I mean, it's not like I came across* these 10 images I can't believe are allowed on Amazon because I was searching for porn, boobies, or sex toys on Amazon. I was just minding my own business, perusing the site for gifts and gear I thought my fellow dudes would like to take...

Volkswagen Bus Cooler

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While I wouldn't consider an actual classic Volkswagen bus the ultimate Dad car - leave that to the Subaru Outback - a classic Volkswagen bus cooler? On wheels so Dad can pull his beers just like his kid in a wagon? Oh...

Screwpop Hit Kit

$24.95 from Amazon »

They call the Screwpop Hit Kit a "personal herb tool," which sound like a major clash of the dialects to me. Urban Dictionary meets corporate PR lingo that won't offend my Aunt Jan. Or how 'bout this SAT-ready analogy:...

DIY Vasectomy Kit

$10.99 from Amazon »

Sweet! This DIY Vasectomy Kit should save me hundreds of dollars. Plus, the projected recovery time is a couple days longer - more if my wife screws up - so I'll be able to take off the whole first week of the NCAA tournament...

Penis Weight Set

Discontinued

All the talk of building a prison body during quarantine made me seek out this penis weight set. Because while you can certainly do pushups, pullups, chinups, dips, and squats like a convicted felon, it's gonna be real...

The Right Cup - Brain-Tricking Flavored Cup

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Brain-tricking and NKOTB-approved, The Right Cup is a scented and slightly flavored water cup designed to engage your senses in a way that will make you think you're drinking sweet and fruity water when all that's inside...

E35: What Is This Thing?

$36.80 from Amazon »

Welcome to Edition 35 of What Is This Thing?, your weekly every-other-daily-for-now, since we're all coronavirus quarantined, visual riddle consisting of one simple photo and one simple question: what is this thing? Here...

Icky Stick Smooth Smoking Hand Pipe

$49.99 from Amazon »

I don't like the Icky Stick just because I get a kick out of its branding schtick. I mean, that's the biggest reason, but so too am I interested in this hand pipe's claim that it has been "specially designed to provide...

The Backpod

$58.54 from Amazon »

Have you gotten the new iHunch yet? The Backpod is a tool developed in New Zealand (so it's Kiwi green, naturally) to relieve the back and neck pain, headaches, and poor posture that can result from the hours we spend...

DrivewaySpike U-Turn Deterrents

$39.95 - $44.95 from Amazon »

Is this a real problem? Or rather, is it such a big deal? People using your driveway as a turnaround. Cars getting lost or going one street too far and pulling into 20' of your pavement to correct their mistake. Since...

I learned my most important lesson about frenemies from The Golden Girls. It's that sometimes passive aggressive words and social interactions aren't enough. It's that sometimes I need my frenemies to throw a party. Invite everyone they know. So they can see the biggest revenge gift will be from...

The Best 80s Toys You Can Still Buy

If you're reading about the best 80s toys you can still buy, you're probably indulging in nostalgia, and thinking things were way better in the 80s than they are in the 2010s. I don't disagree, but I will say one thing...

TV-B-Gone Kit

$21.95 from Amazon »

Let's be clear: it would be a supreme a-hole move for someone to use a homemade TV-B-Gone to shut off the women's beach volleyball game I am watching at a bar. Obnoxious and unacceptable. However...were I to use my DIY...

Radio-controlled tanks that fire actual BBs? Glass sliding doors beware. These RC tanks, which I don't even know how they're allowed really in this day and age but I'm glad they are, are modeled after some of the most iconic tanks utilized in our most iconic wars...

Mini CCTV Screw Camera

$19.99 from Amazon »

It's a screw cam! No, not that kind...well. What you use it for is up to you, I guess. But I'm calling it a screw cam because this miniature CCTV camera looks like the piece of hardware--a simple screw just minding its...

Enigmaze Internet Password Bracelet

Discontinued

I always wear my heart on my sleeve, my egg on my face, and my internet passwords on my wrist. And surprisingly, the Enigmaze Internet Password Bracelet may be the best of those 3 decisions...

Gauss Rifle Rocket

$46.95 from Amazon »

A message from American Scientific's Gauss rifle, a chain reaction magnetic accelerator, or desktop cannon, styled after a NASA rocket: the learnin' don't stop just 'cause school got coronavirus canceled, kids! And the...

Tungsten Sphere

$239 from Amazon »

I'd call the Tungsten Sphere a desktop toy, but given its high density--at just about 2" in diameter the sphere weighs over 3 pounds--I'm not sure how much fiddling or stress-relieving palm rolls you'll be able to do...

The Chaos Machine

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Chaos is an area of mathematics that studies complex systems and the mind-blowing effects seemingly small, inconsequential changes can have on them. Dr. Ian Malcolm used one example of the Chaos in action, the Butterfly...

If you want to know about the best projectile launchers, you're probably getting ready to orchestrate a cubicle warfare offensive at work. Or maybe you just need some new catapult- and slingshot-shaped desktop toys. Or a no-fail gift for a man. You'll find all of those projectile launchers here...

11 of the Most Expensive Things for Sale on Amazon

I tried to curate my collection of 11 of the most expensive things for sale on Amazon not just according to their cost, but also their substance, how well they present, whether or not I looked at their price, read their...

Over-the-Sink Dish Drying Rack

$90.95 from Amazon »

This over-the-sink dish drying rack is a 2-tier space saver with a side of storage and organization. A real multi-tasker that does it all with poise and elegance. Sound like any maternal figure you might know? One who...

The Magic Weighted Blanket

Discontinued

The Magic Weighted Blanket uses a therapeutic approach similar to the Gravity Blanket we saw here last month, with a couple of key differences: 1) The Magic Weighted Blanket is made of baby-bunny-soft chenille and sold...

Sometimes, actions speak louder than worries. Putting together a Kim Jong Un nuclear attack preparedness package doesn't just give us something to do besides sit around and worry about North Korea launching missiles and dropping bombs on the US, it's a good way to solidify our readiness for any disaster...

Buddha Beads Self Defense Necklace

$28.99 from Amazon »

Huh. Not sure how Buddha would feel about people co-opting his peaceful name and beads of spiritual exploration and meditation to make a necklace for whacking an attacker upside the head. But I can kind of see where Phoenix...

1980s Slang Chart Poster

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While this 1980s Slang Chart poster gives me a happy jolt of nostalgia on a gray and sluggish morning, it also makes me feel elderly and moderately embarrassed. Not only do I know every single word the chart points out...

Segway Ninebot Electric GoKart Kit

$799.99 from Amazon »

I gotta give Segway and their Ninebot Electric GoKart Kit some credit. Not only does this company persist in releasing new products despite being the butt of so many jokes - from Segway tours to mall cops to George W...

Coffee Pot Mug

$19.97 from Amazon »

Hey, this mini coffee pot mug looks like what I want to do with the full-size coffee pot every morning! Called the Cupa Joe, Barbuzzo's shrunken version of the classic brewer's vessel is a spot-on replica, with the exception...

Men's One-Piece Thanos Swimsuit

$35.99 from Amazon »

Thanos may finally get his wish of wiping out half the world's population if enough dudes don a men's one-piece Thanos swimsuit this summer. And I thought the ladies' version was disturbing. But I guess as the great Titan...

When I say I would buy these 20 items I bought on Amazon 100 times again, I don't mean I would order 100 more of them right now. Even as a hoarder with Amazon Prime shipping, I don't need 101 of any of the products in this list...

Just Text Us Doormat

$44.98 - $54.98 from Etsy »

"Just text us when you're here. No need to get the dogs involved." Whether you're a pet owner or not, this doormat sends a relatable message. And since anyone who comes over is certainly on their phone right up to the...

Tenga Easy Beat Eggs - Men's Portable Pleasure Devices

$6.57 - $9.73 from Amazon »

You know what they say: if you can't beat the egg, let the egg beat you. At least that's what I'd guess they say around the Tenga Easy Beat Egg production line. From the same Tenga that brought you the Flip Hole male...

Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat

$22.99 from Amazon »

I'd call the Don't Stop. Be Leaving. Doormat the ultimate Dad joke, but Dad would never be so rude to a visitor. And Dad would never wish a visitor to go away, even salespeople, and Mormons who want to teach him about...

Flow Hives Langstroth-Style Cedar Beehive

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B**ch is always gonna have your honey with a Flow Hive, because this Langstroth-style cedar beehive can be summed in 3 words: Honey. On. Tap...

Crosman Pioneer Airbow

$701.23 from Amazon »

If you're a big game hunter living in Arizona*, you are Crosman Golden. It's the only state in the US where there's a season for pursuing just about every species of big game on the Crosman docket with the company's forthcoming...

Willy Care Kit

$27.99 from Amazon »

If your name isn't William, and you don't need a gift for a dude named William, I can't imagine why you'd buy a Willy Care grooming kit. I mean, I know it's a common name and all, but are there really enough Willies out...

Your Girl Hugging Your Crotch Boxer Briefs

$18.99 from Amazon »

Not much to add to these boxer briefs. Oh, except for a picture of your girl - girlfriend, wife, crush, black-hearted ex Karen - strategically placed at the crotchal region so as to look like she's hugging your cock...

Chicken Harness

$14.99 from Amazon »

Excellent. This puts an end to the age-old question, Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn't. Because its responsible owner harnessed that little clucker up to keep it in check...

Hands-Free Wearable Mini Fans

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Technically these hands-free wearable mini fans are suitable for anyone who wants to stay cool when it gets hot. But I think we can all agree there's one person in particular the air-circulating neck wraps are made for:...

Shuh Duh Fuh Cup Unicorn Mug

$13.98 from Amazon »

Who better to deliver the message than a unicorn? No, a-hole, it's not a mug, it's a Shuh Duh Fuh Cup! With a side of rainbows, stars, and two giant birds...

Pure White Hell Jigsaw Puzzle

$19.90 from Amazon »

Pure White Hell. What a phrase! Here it applies to the Pure White Hell Jigsaw Puzzle, but I can think of several choice applications...

Codex Seraphinianus: World's Strangest Book

$80.74 from Amazon »

First published in 1981, the radically strange and unparalleled Codex Seraphinianus took Italian architect, illustrator, and industrial designer Luigi Serafini 2-1/2 years to complete. What is it? Aside from floating...

Oral Me Thong Underwear

$12.99 from Amazon »

This isn't the first time a thong has been compared to dental floss. But with the Oral Me thong underwear, ladies might be more inclined to accept, maybe even champion, the connection. Because here it's not about some...

Aquor House Hydrant

$74 - $79.96 from Amazon »

Scorching summer day. Lounging on the patio. Gazing at the lawn. What's missing? Hose, hose, hose. And a water outlet pimped out with an Aquor House Hydrant. Because the grass meeting your gaze is brown, and the marigolds...

Boob Cube

Discontinued

The Boob Cube is for idiots. And for geniuses. And for idiots who want to convince people they're really geniuses. And for geniuses you want to make feel like idiots. So, yeah, pretty much an ideal gift for any person...

Windmill Watermelon Slicer

$11.27 from Amazon »

Oh, Windmill Watermelon Slicer, not since the Chef'n Cob Corn Stripper has a kitchen tool made me so excited for summer's bounty. Ah, I remember the summer of 2016. I must have eaten a hundred bushels of corn. With the...

Pocket Artillery

$34 from Amazon »

This, unbelievably, is exactly what the name suggests, a mini desktop cannon that fires standard BBs. And, it's pretty damn cool. You really need to watch the video to see it in action. I'm certain this will be used for...

Some gifts are best left to Santa. But sexy gifts, especially sexy gifts for that someone special, those gifts are Baby Jesus territory all the way...