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ABUSA Lambswool Insoles

$12.99 - $14.99 Amazon »

These ABUSA Lambswool Insoles for shoes, boots, and slippers provide no arch support, but Baaaaaa! Who needs arch support this winter when your feet are luxuriating in thick and cozy natural fleece?...

Dripstick After-Sex Cleanup Sponge

$2 - $95 Awkward Essentials »

Welp, I'll give Dripstick credit for one thing: it puts on no heirs when it calls itself a "cum sponge." Yeesh. That description makes the Sperm Towel seem downright prude...

The Tinkle Belle - Device for Ladies to Stand & Pee

$27.50 Amazon »

It appears the Tinkle Belle, a urination device ladies can use to stand (and stay fully clothed!) and pee, was developed for hiking and camping, maybe porta-potty use at festivals and sporting events. But I say, if you...

Norse Tradesman Hair & Beard Coils

$14.87 Amazon »

My fellow vikings and ancient Scandinavians at heart, what better way to show your old Norse appreciation than by be-baubling your beards, braids, and dreadlocks with these coiled hair and beard rings from Norse Tradesman?...

Strong Man Ring Holder

$19.95 Amazon »

Sure, this Strong Man Ring Holder is super ripped and all, but I bet the dude's a total acne-ridden, cross-eyed, butter face. Ugly as sin, and that's why they never show him from the front in any of the ring holder's...

Nostalgia with a Twist of Darkness T-Shirts

$14 - $20 Steven Rhodes »

This line of Nostalgia with a Twist of Darkness T-Shirts comes from the dark and nostalgic mind of artist Steven Rhodes. I've included some of my favorites in the images above, but there are dozens more to choose from...

Masters of the Universe Orko Chain Necklace

A Masters of the Universe Orko Chain Necklace?! Hot diggity-dog, my wife, She-Ra: Princess of Power is gonna Adora this! (Haha, get it?) Who else needs a gift for a woman packed with the power of a Trollan?...

CHRONEXT Luxury Watch Advent Calendar

$2.6 million CHRONEXT »

Damn. I didn't buy the CHRONEXT Advent Calendar, filled with over $2.6 million of luxury watches, before December 1. And I feel like if I got it now, I wouldn't be able to do the countdown to Christmas properly, and that...

Brass Crocodile Clip

$59 Amazon »

Place your trust in the double-jointed jaw of the crocodile, and it will clamp down on your belt loop, your backpack strap, or your friend Cornelius' nose on a dare with an uncompromising 3,700 pounds per square inch...

Fleece Animal Headband Headlamps

$19.99 Amazon »

Bear, Deer, Fox, and Wolf light the way for your little one as they don one of these fleece animal headband headlamps from Sun Company. The WildLight Headband Headlamps for kids keep the heat in on cold nights with a...

Prank Dissolving Swim Shorts

$44.99 Amazon »

I mean, I think anyone who tried on these Prank Dissolving Swim Shorts - or even felt their "fabric" out of the box - would know your story about their being perfectly normal navy blue board shorts for the beach doesn't...

3D T-Rex Ugly Christmas Sweater

$67.95 Amazon »

If T-Rex can't high-five or do pushups, then you in a 3D T-Rex Ugly Christmas Sweater can't sit down or move freely without risk of taking out people's drinks and cheese plates...

Swarovski x Nike Air Force 1 Sneakers

$450 Nike »

Ladies, you might consider the Swarovski x Nike Air Force 1 Sneaker collaboration high fashion. The pinnacle of luxury in athletic footwear. Or you might consider their chaotic weave of rubber mesh panels embedded with...

Notch Sunglasses-Friendly Baseball Hats

$26 - $34 Notch »

Two notches on a baseball hat equals one notch on Notch's belt for ending the war between sunglasses and billed caps. Notch sunglasses-friendly hats have patented cutouts on either side of their bills that enable them...

Candy Nipple Tassels (NSFW)

$10.99 Amazon »

If I buy my wife some of these Candy Nipple Tassels, I wonder if she'll let me call her "Sugar tits." Hold on, let me ask. ... ... OK, so that's a confirmed no...

Finger Love Glove

$38.99 - $39.99 Amazon »

I'll take two fingers of whiskey and one finger up my ass, please. The Finger Love Glove - which I, for once, tamed down in name from Finger F*ck Glove - looks like toys fidget and sex have come together to help you and...

OOOptic Lenses - Magnetic Adhesive Myopia Lenses

$39.90 - $49.90 OOOptic »

Like NakeFit stick-on shoes for your feet, OOOptic Lenses add versatility and minimalism to your lifestyle courtesy of the bond between adhesives and substrates. Oh, and magnets. Can't forget the glorious properties of...

Pit Liquor - All-Natural Whiskey & Vodka Deodorant

$9.95 - $19.95 Pit Liquor »

I always knew whiskey and vodka made me feel good, but who knew they could make me smell good too? Pit Liquor is a line of deodorants - deodorant cocktails, if you will - that use overproof whiskey and vodka as their...

WorkRobe - Business on the Top, Comfort on the Bottom

$70 - $89 WorkRobe »

The WorkRobe is for working (from home) women who don't want to put on a stiff collared shirt or itchy sweater for one stupid Zoom call. Or, worse, to sit around stiff and itchy on video conferences all day long. Coined...

Ultra-Realistic Orangutan Costume

$7,980 Etsy »

The ultra-realistic Orangutan Costume looks like an outstanding choice for Halloween. Or, like, life, if you're craving something different. Because, as they say, in today's world, if you're tired of being a software...

Holographic Tracksuit

$87.90 Etsy »

My favorite thing about Reflective Clo's description of their Holographic Tracksuit is that one of the first things they call it "cozy." Like, nevermind that it's reflective to the point of being trippy, that it makes...

Laser Vortex Gloves

$125 - $270 Etsy »

I look at these Laser Vortex Gloves from Light Up Clothing Store, and just one thing comes to mind: Cartman's about to get an anal probe*...

GREATS Foster Closed Back Slipper

$119 GREATS »

GREATS has upgraded their Foster Slipper with a new closed-back version, presumably to compete with the likes of New Balance's CRVN MOCs and, my personal favorite ugly footwear that is so comfortable and versatile I'm...

Submerge Waterproof Wallet & Cardholder

Sold Out Amazon »

Whether it's in water, snow, sweat, or bulk wrestling Jello, the Submerge waterproof wallet and cardholder lets you do just that. Submerge. Without worrying your cash, cards, keys, and other small EDC will follow the...