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Success by Trump Deodorant

By: on December 12, 2015
$8
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Donald Trump thinks you stink. Particularly if you're: Barack Obama; Hillary Clinton; George W. Bush; Carly Fiorina; Megyn Kelly; any other journalist; any other woman; disabled; Jeff Bezos; an immigrant; a Democrat; a Republican; a Muslim; or someone who is not Donald Trump. But good news! You can stink less if you wear Donald Trump's deodorant. It's called Success by Trump, which is kind of a misnomer because the only success anyone who buys it is sure to achieve is success in giving Trump a few more dollars to spend on haircare and running his mouth off.

And speaking of haircare, Success by Trump is actually a whole line of men's grooming products. It includes cologne, after shave, and shower gel in addition to the deodorant. Mysteriously missing: elaborate combover salve.

If you want to dump Trump into your armpits some key features of Success are that it is a stick deodorant (though much smaller than the one up Hillary's...), contains no alcohol (the Donald needs that for himself), and has a juniper scent (which Trump almost vetoed due to the berry's first syllable).

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EEEARS Reusable Ear Cleaner

$11 from Kickstarter »

It seems we're on an earwax offensive. EEEARS, a reusable cotton swab substitute for ear cleaning, joins the OtoSet automatic ear cleaning headset I saw earlier this month in the cache of tools forthcoming for wax elimination...

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Star Wars Storm Trooper Electric Shaver

$49.99 from Amazon »

They used the Force Friday on me and all I can see is Star Wars merch! The Storm Trooper Electric Shaver from Philips Norelco is another forthcoming (10/1/17) addition to the Star Wars: The Last Jedi frenzy....

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The Beard Bro Beard-Shaping Tool

$17.79 from Amazon »

Men, are you tired of spending precious minutes in the morning grooming and edging your perfect specimen of manliness (well, the one on your face anyway) only to end up looking like your 6-year-old shaved you after you...

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Willy Care Kit

$17.85 from Amazon »

If your name isn't William, and you don't need a gift for a dude named William, I can't imagine why you'd buy a Willy Care grooming kit. I mean, I know it's a common name and all, but are there really enough Willies out...

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Chucky Bath Bomb

I know this Chucky Bath Bomb looks spherical, but take caution while using it. I can almost guarantee you there are some pointy edges hiding in there somewhere....

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Bushbalm Pubic Hair Oils

$21 from Bushbalm »

Bushbalm is for us men who have spent one too many joyless nights this holiday season sitting around "just talking" and listening to Christmas music with our wives, girlfriends, and online dates, only to realize that...

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Down There Repair

$15.95 from Sam's Natural »

Application of Sam's Natural Down There Repair fixes two major male discomforts and social embarrassments: chafed crotch and smelly crotch. It can also be used preventatively, thwarting these afflictions from striking...

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Beard Grow XL Facial Hair Supplement

$79.99 from Amazon »

Snake oil? No Way! Beard Grow XL isn't oil at all. It's pills! Ninety little capsules whose daily dose claims to carry the coveted effect of a full and glorious facial bush that's sure to rival the one on Santa himself....

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Zafirro - World's Sharpest Razor

$179 - $199 from Kickstarter »

I'm only telling you about a $199 razor because it used to cost $100,000. So they say. And also because they, the creators of Zafirro, also say their razor's sapphire blade make it the World's Sharpest, and longest lasting....

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Whisker Dam Mustache Protector

$20 from Whisker Dam »

They say it's like an umbrella for your face. And also that it's the best dam invention for keeping your whiskers dry. The Whisker Dam sits over a pint of beer (or milk, or triple mocha with extra whipped cream) and prevents...

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Presidential Knife Fight: The Game

Let me just address 2 points about Presidential Knife Fight: The Game up front. 1) It's a card game, not some Mortal Kombat-Pokemon Go hybrid that lets you find and collect past American Presidents to duke it out with...

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Elephant Ear Earwax Remover

$29.50 from Amazon »

The Elephant Ear Earwax Remover is kind of funny, kind of gross, and really, really life-changing. For me anyway. I mean, I thought I was going deaf. I was Googling cochlear implants. I learned the term "cochlear implants."...