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Alter Ego Football Gloves

By: on August 19, 2013
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Getting pummeled and concussed by a 350-pound defensive lineman as I fumble the team's potentially game-winning TD during the last play of the 4th quarter still might be worth it if I had a pair of Under Armour's Alter Ego Batman gloves on my hands as solace. Then again, maybe that level of drama and resultant animosity from my peers isn't even necessary. I think I'll opt instead to make the argument that this latest release in the athletic gear giant's collaboration with DC Comics caters to football players in name only. Football gloves, you say? Nay, I reply. More like football/winter/big wheel riding/Cap'n Crunch eating/permanent fixtures on my phalanges gloves.

Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, and Captain America team up to fight butter fingers in Under Armour's line of superhero-inspired Highlight gloves. Their superpowers include:

  • Form-fitting CompFit wrist construction for joint stability.
  • Ultra-light, breathable stretch woven fabric for mobility.
  • Power-Catch technology that secures thumbs and index fingers to reduce twisting.
  • Armour GrabTack palms, fingers, and wrists--ultra-sticky for ball control. [I like how we've made "ball control" a synonym for "cheating"?]
  • Hidden pocket with easy-access button for web storage and quick release.
  • Impenetrable shield covering right palmar region.
  • Batarang compartment at wrist.
  • Built-in opponens and flexor muscles to quadruple grip strength.

Guess what. I made up those last few. Why? Because I'm an asshole.

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The TRON Light Cycle

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NERF Nuke

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Though we've long since entered the nuclear age, NERF has always inexplicably resisted foamifying the most powerful bomb in the world into a play toy for children. That is, until now. Dribble your drool upon the NERF...

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Wolverine Style Hand Claw Dagger

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What the WTF Amazon? You're in the weapons trade now? These costume-y looking hand claws have real blades of razor-sharp, 8.75-inch, 440C stainless steel, which make them exponentially and disturbingly more portentous...

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$169.99 - $349.99 from Fun.com Suits »

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The Legion of Regrettable Supervillains

$16.96 from Amazon »

In The Legion of Regrettable Supervillains Jon Morris scours the brilliant colors and artwork of comic books past and present to compile a compendium of evil villains. But not all, and not just any evil villains. The...

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Rogue From X-Men Costume

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It's The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants' most famous defector in living, non-Anna-Paquin form! This milliskin Rogue jumpsuit is made to order in your choice of kotobukiya with green details, classic with black details, and...

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The Darth Knight

$1,500 from Ebay »

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Armored Leather Wonder Woman Costume

$875 from UD Replicas »

Why simply dress up as Wonder Woman when you can transform into Wonder Woman corseted and zipped into custom sewn leather form-molded over motorcycle grade body armor? This UD Replicas creation isn't just a costume, it's...

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Jet Turbine Powered Batmobile

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If you thought the TRON Lightcycle was awesome (and expensive) prepare your senses for overload as they take in this Batmobile replica. It's street registered in the US, so if you dream of trying your hand at Batman-style...

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The Secret Lives of Superheroes Prints

$20 - $50 from Society 6 »

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Pyro Mini Fireball Shooter

$147 from Ellusionist »

Shooting fireballs from your empty hands just got a sleeker, slyer, more compact upgrade. Ellusionist, by way of magician Adam Wilber, introduced the original Pyro open-palm fireball shooter around this time last year....

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Rorschach Ink Blot Masks

$29.95 from Rorschach Masks »

Would you like to cause your friend to take a great big turd in his shorts? These Rorschach masks, if I'm to believe what I'm seeing on the video, are built specifically to do just that. Made famous by Jackie Earle Haley...