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Alter Ego Football Gloves

By: on August 19, 2013
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Getting pummeled and concussed by a 350-pound defensive lineman as I fumble the team's potentially game-winning TD during the last play of the 4th quarter still might be worth it if I had a pair of Under Armour's Alter Ego Batman gloves on my hands as solace. Then again, maybe that level of drama and resultant animosity from my peers isn't even necessary. I think I'll opt instead to make the argument that this latest release in the athletic gear giant's collaboration with DC Comics caters to football players in name only. Football gloves, you say? Nay, I reply. More like football/winter/big wheel riding/Cap'n Crunch eating/permanent fixtures on my phalanges gloves.

Batman, Spider-Man, Superman, and Captain America team up to fight butter fingers in Under Armour's line of superhero-inspired Highlight gloves. Their superpowers include:

  • Form-fitting CompFit wrist construction for joint stability.
  • Ultra-light, breathable stretch woven fabric for mobility.
  • Power-Catch technology that secures thumbs and index fingers to reduce twisting.
  • Armour GrabTack palms, fingers, and wrists--ultra-sticky for ball control. [I like how we've made "ball control" a synonym for "cheating"?]
  • Hidden pocket with easy-access button for web storage and quick release.
  • Impenetrable shield covering right palmar region.
  • Batarang compartment at wrist.
  • Built-in opponens and flexor muscles to quadruple grip strength.

Guess what. I made up those last few. Why? Because I'm an asshole.

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