GuruNanda Contactless Infrared Forehead Thermometer
You've come a long way from mercury up the butt, thermometers. Using infrared technology, the GuruNanda Thermometer enables everyone from your mama to your nurse to your Amazon Big Brother to take your temperature without making even a brush of physical contact with your potentially diseased self. The point-and-shoot style thermometer provides accurate body temperature readings when held at a distance of 2" to 6" away from your forehead.
I'd imagine it can also tell you if your chicken is cooked, and whether your steak has hit its perfect state of medium-rare.
But there is a downside, kids. The GuruNanda infrared thermometer is a terrible wingman for faking sick. Unlike the touch, hold, check, repeat options available with standard under-the-tongue thermometers, point this thing at a light bulb and it's shooting straight to 200 degrees. Mama's never gonna buy that.