Paper Log Maker
Look like less of a redneck burning your trash with this handy paper log maker. The deep metal box accepts newspapers, junk mail, cardboard, wood chips, and wrapping paper, but probably not Taco Bell bags because the grease on that shit could start a forest fire or burn down the neighborhood. Once contents have been added a pair of compression handles secured above the box smash them all down into densely compacted, fire-ready bricks that burn clean and emit minimal smoke. No more spending money on firewood that could be better spent on a Wampa rug, or time chopping down trees that could be better spent hunting down Charlize Theron and convincing her to pop a squat on the Wampa rug with you.
A story about Wampas: Over the weekend I saw a bass player who looked like a Wampa. He was standing center stage, barely moving, expressionless less a slightly devious smirk, and generally making my friend Constantine and me uncomfortable. We were all, "What's up with the Wampa on stage? That dude is weird." Well it turned out he was blind. I know. What an asshole (pointing to self).