Garden

Rolling Cooler with Fold-Out Table & Chairs

$89.45 from Amazon »

So I've hung out with this lady I met on the Internet 3 times now. Like, the same lady all 3 times. She has her own condo and speaks French and can cook pork chops as good as my mama. And now that it's time for date #4...

Invisaband Mosquito Repellent Bracelet

$29.99 from Amazon »

Mosquitos may love your blood, but do they love it enough to wade through a shield of...dun, dun dun!...geraniol to suck it? If I remember correctly, geraniums are the dapper flowers my mama used to keep in her sunroom....

Glow Stones

Ambient Glow Technology's Glow Stones combine with concrete--they either mix in freestyle or nestle in methodically--to create everything from illuminated pathways to Fairyland to sculpted lawn ornaments to mood-setting...

Zombie Gnomes: Bye Bye Birdie

$37 from Etsy »

This is what we call an imperfect synergy. In the battle of the two tackiest, yet most often seen yard decorations (no offense fake plastic deer), it looks as if the gnomes have won. And it was bloody. Zombie gnomes 1...

Outdoor Drinkin' Tables

$1,450 - $1,850 from Horchow »

No need to walk to the cooler. No need to drink warm beer. Thank you, The Phillips Collection. Your Beverage Tables and their built-in ice pits will keep my brews cold and within arm's reach all summer long. The surgeons...

Raintrain Traveling Sprinkler

$60.73 from Amazon »

You can drop the cash to install a built-in yard irrigation system, or keep running outside every couple of hours, timing it...just...right to grab the sprinkler when its arc of water is on the other side of you, and...

Hidden Water Pools

One time a couple of minutes ago I saw a patio that turned into a swimming pool! That's crazy! Almost Fletcher Capstan expandable table proportions of crazy, and definitely more in compliance with my agenda of spending...

TerraMec Robotic Mini Bulldozer

Anyone need a 30hp bulldozer with a 6' snow plow, 48" dirt/sand/loam plow, mowing deck, rototiller, york rake, and loader/dumper bucket that you can throw in the back of your truck? If you're still reading...because you...

Grass Printer

Designers Prof. Doh Han Young, Jeong Koo Hee, and Kim Min Hong recently won a Red Dot Award for their Grass Printer. As you might have guessed, the Grass Printer is a device that prints stuff in grass*. It literally mows...

Double Hammock Sunbed

Sold Out from Amazon »

Now this is the kind of double-wide I can get on top of. Preferably with my new girlfriend, She-Ra: Princess of Power, all summer long. The canopied sunbed comfortably accommodates two happy loungers, both side-by-side...

The Stealth Pavillion

Dutch artist Paul Seger's Stealth Pavillion is an art installation and thematic exploration of heterotopia, the idea of anti-space within a expressed context. I know. I hate it too when people define a word that doesn't...

LED Snow Flurry Projection Light

Sold Out from Amazon »

Oh the trouble Clark Griswold could have saved himself if only he'd gone on Christmas vacation in the 2010s. Nowadays one little green box fitted with one pint-sized disco ball connected to one tiny projector are all...

Gardenzilla - Rampaging Kaiju Garden Gnome

$34.99 from Amazon »

Praying mantises and ladybugs are heralded for their ability to rid gardens of many common pests, but in my experience they're utterly useless when it comes to eradicating the front yard of smug, chubby, razor-phobic...

Kite Mosquito Patch

$35 from Kite »

Do you often set out to enjoy a BBQ or camping trip only to find yourself trading in the anticipated revelry for a full-scale, hostile, bug-obliterating offensive? OK, well do you tend to step outside on a pleasant summer...

4-Person Picnic Cooler

$105.89 - $124.95 from Amazon »

Picnics are F'ing lame. At least that's what my friend Cornelius keeps reminding me I used to say before I began dating She-Ra: Princess of Power and became a "dopey-eyed golden retriever who likes pink wine and picnics."...

Lawn Lights

$59.88 - $99.88 from Amazon »

Ooh, it's like getting forked but way more visible at night and slightly less embarrassing for the homeowner. Also less likely to instigate an elaborate payback plot. Even better, Lawn Lights make all holiday, party...

Ninja Garden Gnome

$30.49 from Firebox.com »

Gardenzilla taking out all of your lawn ornaments? Sounds like a job for [cue music] Ninja Gnome! The squirrels and my neighbor's cat Willard better watch out too. This assassin may be tiny...and made of, like, resin...but...

Outdoor Hanging Sky Swing Chair

$349.97 from Amazon »

Can you tell I'm an avid swinger? First I dreamt of this rustic porch swing bed, and then the outdoor patio arch swing, and now, for those who prefer to sway in the summer's breeze seated upright, I present Outsunny's...

Light 'n Go Bonfire Log

$9.29 from Essay Group »

Any man with a little hair on his chest can chop wood, but how many of you care to take the time to carve snowflake patterns into your logs such that they alight more dependably and burn with greater efficiency? Light...

Inflatable Hot Tub

$619.99 from Amazon »

Not only is M-SPA's inflatable Silver Cloud Bubble Spa (uh, I think they'd sell more just calling it a bow-up hot tub) significantly less expensive than a permanent installation, but according to Amazon reviewers, you...

Horse Head Squirrel Feeder

$13.18 from Amazon »

We've seen dudes with horse head masks and we've seen squirrels with big head feeders, so to complete the triangle of masks and garden critter nourishment, Archie McPhee obviously had to create a Horse Head Squirrel Feeder....

Mega Hammock

Discontinued

You say tomayto, I say tomahto. You say Crrribbean, I say Caribbeeean. You say roomy, I say...orgy. Here is a great big hammock. A Mega Hammock. The listing specifies that it comfortably fits 3 people, but I think it...

The One Ring Firepit

Sold Out from Etsy »

How do I plan to make it through the winter? Bohemian Alp Designs' Lord of the Rings One Ring firepit, many gallons of hot cider & whiskey, and a recording of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" warped to sound like Gollum is...

Black Flag Outdoor Electric Insect Fogger

$74.99 from Amazon »

Know what's worse than chemicals and insecticides? Bugs. And places--backyards, campsites, the 6" radius around my head--swarming with them. And even though the Black Flag Fogger requires dousing a large area with insecticide...

Praying Mantis Eggs

Sold Out from Amazon »

Wait. Aren't praying mantises hot, yet evil, women who devour men like Xander Harris in that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? And does that mean you're telling me I can purchase and hatch between 50 and 200 women...

Retro RPG Menu Doormat

$39.99 from Amazon »

I think what I would do if I had this RPG command doormat is carry it around to other people's front doorsteps with me instead of installing it on my own....

Outdoor Patio Arch Swing

$688.90 from Amazon »

As we all know, my mama occasionally gets mad at me for being...what does she call it? A complete shithead, maybe?...at which times I have to move out of her house and go live in her back yard. This is of course very...

Edyn Smart Garden System

$159 from Edyn »

Kid down the street who used to water my mama's flowers when she went out of town, you're fired. Don't worry, it's not that we're not downsizing or shipping your job overseas. We're just replacing you with a robot. Edyn...

Combat Garden Gnome

$65 from Etsy »

People just can't wait to pervert emblems of peace and goodwill, can they? First the benevolent garden gnome goes zombie and now he's Charlton Heston. Still, at under a foot tall, these combative cuties make perfect pairs--or...

Treeincarnation: From Ashes to Spiritree

$225 from The Spiritree »

Hello, children. In today's lesson we will learn about death and gardening. First, meet Walter. Walter is dead. That's why he fits so easily inside this urn. Now meet the Spiritree. The Spiritree is also an urn, but it...

ThermaCELL Mosquito Repellent

$24.99 from Amazon »

Dude reader Richard B. wrote to me in reverential verse about the ThermaCELL, a battery-operated personal mosquito repellent. His words were so moving and convincing that I really had no choice but to pass the endorsement...

Shotgun Flower Shell

Plant flowers, not bullet wounds. That's ST lab's rosy goal with Flower Shell. The Scandinavian company, which has developed several trendy, quirky, and what they hope will be considered visionary products, plans to release...

Survival Seed Vault

$29.95 from Amazon »

It's almost spring! Only...I don't know, however many days until the first day of spring...days away. What am I, a meteorologist? I'm 80% sure it happens sometime this month. And that means it's time to plant your garden....

Forest Fire Pit

$1,850 from Etsy »

Here's a snicker-worthy case of accidental black humor. Officially titled the Up North Fire Pit, this hand-cut steel sphere drew its inspiration from the majestical scenes and wildlife of Minnesota's north woods. And...

Life-Size Blue Whale Kite

$3,500 from Peter Lynn Kites »

I see your flying squirrel, Flying Dutchman, and flying f@*k, and raise you a flying blue whale! No, make that a life-size flying blue whale. Wind master Peter Lynn's superbly massive kite measures in at over 60 feet...

1,500 Live Ladybugs

Sold Out from Amazon »

You are 1,500 live ladybugs away from an aphid-free garden. Aphids are also known as plant lice. Sick, huh? I mean, I have no clue about plants, but I do know a thing or two about lice (thank you very much Alex from third...

One-Way-Mirror Birdfeeder

$27.95 from Amazon »

Can you imagine the anxiety, frustration, and ultimate sheer madness a one-way-mirror birdfeeder is going to cause in cats? As a passionate cat hater, I'm buying six. You think it's funny when you jump on my lap, nudging...

Outdoor Cooler Table

$80 from Amazon »

I love adjustable-height rattan tables that extend to reveal a 12-1/2 gallon cooler full of icy microbrews and Fireball. They look classy and consolidate some of the gear I'll need for the Summer 2014 Backyard Lie-Around-and-Do-Nothing-Off...

Game of Gnomes: Throne of a Thousand Shovels

$55 from Etsy »

After their zombie gnomes ate most of the rest of the lawn ornaments, artists Chris Stever and Jane DeRosa had to go back to the casting board to create an installation that would return order to the front yard. Meet...

Infinity Hammock

Sold Out from Amazon »

If you're into swinging and threesomes, the Infinity Hammock...will do nothing to help your cause. Unless you're into the kind of swinging threesomes wherein each party has his or her own personal space amidst a cocoon...

Zombie Lawn Flamingo

$14.03 from Amazon »

On the one hand, it's almost time to decorate for Halloween, so a zombie lawn flamingo would be a very wise purchase. And on the other hand, it's always time to class up the front yard, so a zombie lawn flamingo would...

Picnic Trolley

$650 from Pro Idee »

The Picnic Trolley is like a food truck that holds just enough food for ME! And maybe my friend Cornelius. And I guess my mama since she'll probably be the one who cooks it....

Mystical Fire Campfire Colorant

$11.50 - $44.09 from Amazon »

I really can't hear the word "mystical" anymore without thinking of Mystikal and his inexplicable squawking of that song about shaking things but watching yourself, but I can look at this Mystical Fire colorant that turns...

WWII-Era Dual Military Field Latrine

$149.50 from Amazon »

Dig a trench and feel grateful you and your friend Cornelius are bidding farewell to last night's Chinese takeout on a 2-passenger field latrine in your mama's backyard rather than pinching one off in a Belgian forest...

Pest-Deterring Motion-Activated Sprinkler

$89.99 from Amazon »

Cats, dogs, paparazzi, neighbor children without the athletic skill to control their damn soccer balls--these are the pests that infiltrate our back yards. Encroach our private domains. Stick their noses where they don't...

Hammock Bliss Sky Bed

$100 from Amazon »

Blissful slumbering courtesy of a bed in the sky. It sounds like a dream come true. So you click...and view...and...it's a hammock. A thin, garbage bag-looking hammock too. This hammock has some explaining to do....

Hippopotamus Lawn Ornaments

$55.85 - $79.81 from Etsy »

This is possibly the only lawn ornament that could increase both your property value and your popularity with the neighbors. Brit Martin Pool creates his hippopotamus garden sculptures in Daddy and Jr. sizes, and has...

The Dutch Tub

$6,560 from Weltevree »

According to manufacturer Weltevree, using the Dutch Tub is like "slipping inside a teacup." I'm not sure submersing myself in a vat of English Breakfast has ever been at the forefront of my fantasies, but, hey, these...

Cumulus Solar-Powered Patio Umbrella

$630 from Toer »

Clouds might be the new bacon. First they appeared in the sky (where their reign, like bacon's alongside a plate of scrambled eggs, is still very strong.) Then they showed up as an abstruse term for virtual storage/intangible...

Super-Penetration Shovel

$117.60 from Garrett Wade »

Anyone else snicker at the Super-Penetration Shovel's name? Come on, we're all intelligent adults here and, as such, know that the most popular application for the word "penetration" does not involve unruly terrain in...

Outdoor Shower

$760 from VITEOSHOWER »

The only thing better than a water shower cascading down from above is a water shower shooting up from below. Champions of bidets and enemas, you know what we're talking about, 'ey? And though the photos depict fancy...

Vivere Dream Chair

$326.70 from Amazon »

I don't usually swing, but when I do, I swing in a Vivere Dream Chair. Partly because it rocks my soul to a state of unwavering peace, and partly because whenever I try to get into one of those adulterous little circles...

Backyard Swimmin' Hole

$113.14 from Amazon »

It was a tough call which of the Perfect 10 happy families splashing around in the Intex Easy Set Pool to pick as the product's featured photo, but I ultimately decided the blonde MILF in the winning shot was a better...

Inflatable Water Park

$749.99 from Amazon »

If its photographic depictions are accurate, the Rainforest Rapids amusement park is an inflatable backyard installation suitable for both wet and dry bouncy-bouncy fun, as well as both small children who want to splash...

Tower Garden Growing System

$599 from Tower Garden »

Soil. Lengthy growth periods. The X-axis. Tower Garden rejects you en masse. An aeroponic growing system ideal for rooftops, patios, balconies, and terraces, this food and flower producer replaces pots of temperamental...

Scarface Garden Gnome

$10.73 from Amazon »

If they were going to craft a Scarface garden gnome aiming an M16A1, you would think they could have also added some Al Pacino droopy eyes and a pouty mouth underneath that Santa Claus beard. As it stands--at only 9-1/2"...

Life-Size Animated Talking Reindeer

$5,400 from Frontgate »

The idea of Dasher, a life-size reindeer that talks and moves, is decent, but, uh...did they have to give him the voice of Ross Matthews? MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Let's hang pink and purple stockings! At least that's...

Sailing Ship Kite

$40 from Haptic Lab »

Hey you guuuuuyyyysss! It's like a pirate ship that sails through the sea above. All I need now is an eye patch, a sloth mask, pinchers of peril, and an inhaler and I could be some sort of deconstructed Goonie for Halloween....

Big Gay Inflatable Snowman

$199.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This "casually" posed inflatable snowman certainly makes a statement "lounging" in your pristine front lawn. And that statement is that two gay guys live here. Five internal lights illuminate the snowman, making him look...

Portable Hoseless Misting Fan

$399.95 from Amazon »

I recently got an email from a fan that said, "I hate to be HOT." Hahahaha, get it? A fan that hates to be hot. Actually, I just noticed that hilarious pun after I wrote it. I really did get an email from someone telling...

Battery Powered Lawn Mower

$399 from Amazon »

While I generally approve of anything that makes manual labor less laborious for me, I am not too stoked to hear about GreenWorks' battery operated lawn mower's 70-minute runtime. 70 minutes?! Great. That means my mama's...

Giant Naked Baby Kite

$2,830 - $5,990 from Peter Lynn Kites »

Aw dude. It's like the perplexing baby head masks meet the life-size blue whale kite meets the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man descending ominously upon the Ghostbusters gang, shit-eating grin plastered across its face. The...

Flex Cobra Personal Mister

$17.68 from Amazon »

While I don't like the allusion to a snake in this product's title, the Flex Cobra personal mister is an otherwise grand addition to the high heat of summer. They had to pick a poisonous one with ear flaps too, didn't...

Alligator in a Manhole Doormat

$22.99 from Perpetual Kid »

Though not as blood-curdling as a breaching shark in an elevator, an alligator snarling up through a manhole cover on my front doorstep should make uninvited visitors take pause long enough to second guess their decision...

110" Swimming Pool Movie Screen

Sold Out from Amazon »

One way to guarantee your kid grows up to be a spoiled, entitled brat like that little crapper Suri Cruise is to install an in-ground pool in your back yard--maybe even one that fluctuates between pool and patio--and...

Instant Balcony Table

$183 from Stadt Bedarf »

This balcony rail table attachment can help you grow flowers, read the paper, type your reports and breakup emails, grill some meat, and serve booze all without legs and floor space consumption! The German-made balKonzept...