Garden

GazeBox Retractable Garage

One guess as to which country the GazeBox hails from. A glorious transparent arc that accordions around your 6-figure sports car? Protects it in style, with pomp, and without hiding it from jealous eyes? Gotta be Italian....

Volo Hammock Rocker

$8,350 from Sveglio »

Rough life this guy has. Timing the tides. Towing his Sveglio Volo all the way across the beach and into the water. Settling into its hammock and getting a gentle rock going just as the sun starts to set. I bet it's a...

Playbulb Garden Solar LED Lights

$94.99 from Amazon »

Converting your backyard into a nightclub has never been easier or more eco-friendly. MIPOW's Playbulb Garden, a new addition to the company's Playbulb series, is an app-controlled, solar-powered LED led that spikes into...

Gemmy Airblown 12' Movie Screen

$127.99 from Amazon »

Grabbing a blanket, a pile of sandwiches, a water bottle of contraband booze, and a coupla tickets to an outdoor movie is always a fun summer activity. Unless they're showing Dirty Dancing, which they invariably always...

HumidiBreeze Portable Misting System

$115.99 from Amazon »

Second only to a harem of Brazilian supermodels fanning me with giant leaves and rubbing ice cubes all over my chest: the HumidiBreeze Portable Misting System. This tabletop-sized outdoor fan blows a light, cooling spray...

Weapons of Svenhaellin Fire Pit

$32,600 from Etsy »

Randy of Fire Sculpture Art has been bending metal to his whims for over 45 years. He believes, "The great sin in life is to be boring." Combine his craft with his credo and you get the Weapons of Svenhaellin Fire Pit....

Raintrain Traveling Sprinkler

$65.15 from Amazon »

You can drop the cash to install a built-in yard irrigation system, or keep running outside every couple of hours, timing it...just...right to grab the sprinkler when its arc of water is on the other side of you, and...

Invisaband Mosquito Repellent Bracelet

$29.99 from Amazon »

Mosquitos may love your blood, but do they love it enough to wade through a shield of...dun, dun dun!...geraniol to suck it? If I remember correctly, geraniums are the dapper flowers my mama used to keep in her sunroom....

4-Person Picnic Cooler

$105.89 - $124.95 from Amazon »

Picnics are F'ing lame. At least that's what my friend Cornelius keeps reminding me I used to say before I began dating She-Ra: Princess of Power and became a "dopey-eyed golden retriever who likes pink wine and picnics."...

Double Hammock Sunbed

$119.99 from Amazon »

Now this is the kind of double-wide I can get on top of. Preferably with my new girlfriend, She-Ra: Princess of Power, all summer long. The canopied sunbed comfortably accommodates two happy loungers, both side-by-side...

Rolling Cooler with Fold-Out Table & Chairs

$99.99 from Amazon »

So I've hung out with this lady I met on the Internet 3 times now. Like, the same lady all 3 times. She has her own condo and speaks French and can cook pork chops as good as my mama. And now that it's time for date #4...

Outdoor Drinkin' Tables

$1,450 - $1,850 from Horchow »

No need to walk to the cooler. No need to drink warm beer. Thank you, The Phillips Collection. Your Beverage Tables and their built-in ice pits will keep my brews cold and within arm's reach all summer long. The surgeons...

Black Flag Outdoor Electric Insect Fogger

$74.99 from Amazon »

Know what's worse than chemicals and insecticides? Bugs. And places--backyards, campsites, the 6" radius around my head--swarming with them. And even though the Black Flag Fogger requires dousing a large area with insecticide...

Ninja Garden Gnome

$30.49 from Firebox.com »

Gardenzilla taking out all of your lawn ornaments? Sounds like a job for [cue music] Ninja Gnome! The squirrels and my neighbor's cat Willard better watch out too. This assassin may be tiny...and made of, like, resin...but...

Retro RPG Menu Doormat

Sold Out from Amazon »

I think what I would do if I had this RPG command doormat is carry it around to other people's front doorsteps with me instead of installing it on my own....

TerraMec Robotic Mini Bulldozer

Anyone need a 30hp bulldozer with a 6' snow plow, 48" dirt/sand/loam plow, mowing deck, rototiller, york rake, and loader/dumper bucket that you can throw in the back of your truck? If you're still reading...because you...

LED Snow Flurry Projection Light

$70.95 from Amazon »

Oh the trouble Clark Griswold could have saved himself if only he'd gone on Christmas vacation in the 2010s. Nowadays one little green box fitted with one pint-sized disco ball connected to one tiny projector are all...

Lawn Lights

$59.88 - $99.88 from Amazon »

Ooh, it's like getting forked but way more visible at night and slightly less embarrassing for the homeowner. Also less likely to instigate an elaborate payback plot. Even better, Lawn Lights make all holiday, party...

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The One Ring Firepit

Sold Out from Etsy »

How do I plan to make it through the winter? Bohemian Alp Designs' Lord of the Rings One Ring firepit, many gallons of hot cider & whiskey, and a recording of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" warped to sound like Gollum is...

WWII-Era Dual Military Field Latrine

$149.50 from Amazon »

Dig a trench and feel grateful you and your friend Cornelius are bidding farewell to last night's Chinese takeout on a 2-passenger field latrine in your mama's backyard rather than pinching one off in a Belgian forest...

Picnic Trolley

$650 from Pro Idee »

The Picnic Trolley is like a food truck that holds just enough food for ME! And maybe my friend Cornelius. And I guess my mama since she'll probably be the one who cooks it....

Mega Hammock

Discontinued

You say tomayto, I say tomahto. You say Crrribbean, I say Caribbeeean. You say roomy, I say...orgy. Here is a great big hammock. A Mega Hammock. The listing specifies that it comfortably fits 3 people, but I think it...

Cumulus Solar-Powered Patio Umbrella

$630 from Toer »

Clouds might be the new bacon. First they appeared in the sky (where their reign, like bacon's alongside a plate of scrambled eggs, is still very strong.) Then they showed up as an abstruse term for virtual storage/intangible...

Edyn Smart Garden System

$159 from Edyn »

Kid down the street who used to water my mama's flowers when she went out of town, you're fired. Don't worry, it's not that we're not downsizing or shipping your job overseas. We're just replacing you with a robot. Edyn...

Flex Cobra Personal Mister

Sold Out from Amazon »

While I don't like the allusion to a snake in this product's title, the Flex Cobra personal mister is an otherwise grand addition to the high heat of summer. They had to pick a poisonous one with ear flaps too, didn't...

Gardenzilla - Rampaging Kaiju Garden Gnome

$34.99 from Amazon »

Praying mantises and ladybugs are heralded for their ability to rid gardens of many common pests, but in my experience they're utterly useless when it comes to eradicating the front yard of smug, chubby, razor-phobic...

Inflatable Hot Tub

$593 from Amazon »

Not only is M-SPA's inflatable Silver Cloud Bubble Spa (uh, I think they'd sell more just calling it a bow-up hot tub) significantly less expensive than a permanent installation, but according to Amazon reviewers, you...

ThermaCELL Mosquito Repellent

$22.59 from Amazon »

Dude reader Richard B. wrote to me in reverential verse about the ThermaCELL, a battery-operated personal mosquito repellent. His words were so moving and convincing that I really had no choice but to pass the endorsement...

Outdoor Cooler Table

$77.24 from Amazon »

I love adjustable-height rattan tables that extend to reveal a 12-1/2 gallon cooler full of icy microbrews and Fireball. They look classy and consolidate some of the gear I'll need for the Summer 2014 Backyard Lie-Around-and-Do-Nothing-Off...

Outdoor Hanging Sky Swing Chair

Sold Out from Amazon »

Can you tell I'm an avid swinger? First I dreamt of this rustic porch swing bed, and then the outdoor patio arch swing, and now, for those who prefer to sway in the summer's breeze seated upright, I present Outsunny's...

Battery Powered Lawn Mower

$350.05 from Amazon »

While I generally approve of anything that makes manual labor less laborious for me, I am not too stoked to hear about GreenWorks' battery operated lawn mower's 70-minute runtime. 70 minutes?! Great. That means my mama's...

Outdoor Patio Arch Swing

Sold Out from Amazon »

As we all know, my mama occasionally gets mad at me for being...what does she call it? A complete shithead, maybe?...at which times I have to move out of her house and go live in her back yard. This is of course very...

Hippopotamus Lawn Ornaments

$55.85 - $79.81 from Etsy »

This is possibly the only lawn ornament that could increase both your property value and your popularity with the neighbors. Brit Martin Pool creates his hippopotamus garden sculptures in Daddy and Jr. sizes, and has...

Game of Gnomes: Throne of a Thousand Shovels

$55 from Etsy »

After their zombie gnomes ate most of the rest of the lawn ornaments, artists Chris Stever and Jane DeRosa had to go back to the casting board to create an installation that would return order to the front yard. Meet...

Grass Printer

Designers Prof. Doh Han Young, Jeong Koo Hee, and Kim Min Hong recently won a Red Dot Award for their Grass Printer. As you might have guessed, the Grass Printer is a device that prints stuff in grass*. It literally mows...

1,500 Live Ladybugs

$19 from Amazon »

You are 1,500 live ladybugs away from an aphid-free garden. Aphids are also known as plant lice. Sick, huh? I mean, I have no clue about plants, but I do know a thing or two about lice (thank you very much Alex from third...

Survival Seed Vault

$29.95 from Amazon »

It's almost spring! Only...I don't know, however many days until the first day of spring...days away. What am I, a meteorologist? I'm 80% sure it happens sometime this month. And that means it's time to plant your garden....

Horse Head Squirrel Feeder

$11.90 from Amazon »

We've seen dudes with horse head masks and we've seen squirrels with big head feeders, so to complete the triangle of masks and garden critter nourishment, Archie McPhee obviously had to create a Horse Head Squirrel Feeder....

Shotgun Flower Shell

Plant flowers, not bullet wounds. That's ST lab's rosy goal with Flower Shell. The Scandinavian company, which has developed several trendy, quirky, and what they hope will be considered visionary products, plans to release...

Life-Size Animated Talking Reindeer

$5,400 from Frontgate »

The idea of Dasher, a life-size reindeer that talks and moves, is decent, but, uh...did they have to give him the voice of Ross Matthews? MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Let's hang pink and purple stockings! At least that's...

Pest-Deterring Motion-Activated Sprinkler

Sold Out from Amazon »

Cats, dogs, paparazzi, neighbor children without the athletic skill to control their damn soccer balls--these are the pests that infiltrate our back yards. Encroach our private domains. Stick their noses where they don't...

Forest Fire Pit

$1,850 from Etsy »

Here's a snicker-worthy case of accidental black humor. Officially titled the Up North Fire Pit, this hand-cut steel sphere drew its inspiration from the majestical scenes and wildlife of Minnesota's north woods. And...

Sailing Ship Kite

$40 from Haptic Lab »

Hey you guuuuuyyyysss! It's like a pirate ship that sails through the sea above. All I need now is an eye patch, a sloth mask, pinchers of peril, and an inhaler and I could be some sort of deconstructed Goonie for Halloween....

Ball of Fire Outdoor Fireplace

$206.99 from Amazon »

I feel like this steel mesh ball should contain, like, a set of conjoined twin brothers on motorcycles, not just a pile of logs and flames. No worries, though. I'm sure the Ball of Fire can go from outdoor fireplace to...

Zombie Lawn Flamingo

$14.95 from Amazon »

On the one hand, it's almost time to decorate for Halloween, so a zombie lawn flamingo would be a very wise purchase. And on the other hand, it's always time to class up the front yard, so a zombie lawn flamingo would...

110" Swimming Pool Movie Screen

Sold Out from Amazon »

One way to guarantee your kid grows up to be a spoiled, entitled brat like that little crapper Suri Cruise is to install an in-ground pool in your back yard--maybe even one that fluctuates between pool and patio--and...

Bird Photo Booth

$149.99 from Bird Photo Booth »

I think the Bird Photo Booth is sort of like this camera rig with a peephole I made inside the top drawer of my dresser, but instead of taking pictures of the girls I lure inside by saying a litter of baby bunny rabbits...

Vivere Dream Chair

Sold Out from Amazon »

I don't usually swing, but when I do, I swing in a Vivere Dream Chair. Partly because it rocks my soul to a state of unwavering peace, and partly because whenever I try to get into one of those adulterous little circles...