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Garden

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Saturday, September 13, 2014
$149.50 from Amazon »

Dig a trench and feel grateful you and your friend Cornelius are bidding farewell to last night's Chinese takeout on a 2-passenger field latrine in your mama's backyard rather than pinching one off in a Belgian forest wondering...

Sunday, June 1, 2014
$34.99 from Amazon »

Praying mantises and ladybugs are heralded for their ability to rid gardens of many common pests, but in my experience they're utterly useless when it comes to eradicating the front yard of smug, chubby, razor-phobic gnomes....

Friday, March 21, 2014
By: red dot

Designers Prof. Doh Han Young, Jeong Koo Hee, and Kim Min Hong recently won a Red Dot Award for their Grass Printer. As you might have guessed, the Grass Printer is a device that prints stuff in grass*. It literally mows graphics into your lawn based on images you sketch into its touchscreen. Though still just a concept, I am already compiling a list of all the awesome things I'm going to emblazon...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

One time a couple of minutes ago I saw a patio that turned into a swimming pool! That's crazy! Almost Fletcher Capstan expandable table proportions of crazy, and definitely more in compliance with my agenda of spending the...

Thursday, September 1, 2011
$37 from Etsy »

This is what we call an imperfect synergy. In the battle of the two tackiest, yet most often seen yard decorations (no offense fake plastic deer), it looks as if the gnomes have won. And it was bloody. Zombie gnomes 1, Flamingos...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ambient Glow Technology's Glow Stones combine with concrete--they either mix in freestyle or nestle in methodically--to create everything from illuminated pathways to Fairyland to sculpted lawn ornaments to mood-setting bathroom vanities. Glow Stones appear bone white in normal lighting, when they're soaking up luminous juice for their show, and then blaze in a choice of Aqua Blue, Sky Blue, or...

Wednesday, July 16, 2014
$374.95 from Etsy »

You say tomayto, I say tomahto. You say Crrribbean, I say Caribbeeean. You say roomy, I say...orgy. Here is a great big hammock. A Mega Hammock. The listing specifies that it comfortably fits 3 people, but I think it can easily...

Thursday, May 8, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

Can you tell I'm an avid swinger? First I dreamt of this rustic porch swing bed, and then the outdoor patio arch swing, and now, for those who prefer to sway in the summer's breeze seated upright, I present Outsunny's hanging...

Tuesday, August 5, 2014
$650 from Pro Idee »

The Picnic Trolley is like a food truck that holds just enough food for ME! And maybe my friend Cornelius. And I guess my mama since she'll probably be the one who cooks it....

Thursday, May 29, 2014
$699.99 from Amazon »

Not only is M-SPA's inflatable Silver Cloud Bubble Spa (uh, I think they'd sell more just calling it a bow-up hot tub) significantly less expensive than a permanent installation, but according to Amazon reviewers, you can...

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Dutch artist Paul Seger's Stealth Pavillion is an art installation and thematic exploration of heterotopia, the idea of anti-space within a expressed context. I know. I hate it too when people define a word that doesn't mean...

Tuesday, June 10, 2014
$159 from Edyn »

Kid down the street who used to water my mama's flowers when she went out of town, you're fired. Don't worry, it's not that we're not downsizing or shipping your job overseas. We're just replacing you with a robot. Edyn, a...

Wednesday, July 24, 2013
$35 from Kite »

Do you often set out to enjoy a BBQ or camping trip only to find yourself trading in the anticipated revelry for a full-scale, hostile, bug-obliterating offensive? OK, well do you tend to step outside on a pleasant summer...

Monday, May 26, 2014
$19.97 from Amazon »

Dude reader Richard B. wrote to me in reverential verse about the ThermaCELL, a battery-operated personal mosquito repellent. His words were so moving and convincing that I really had no choice but to pass the endorsement...

Monday, April 28, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

As we all know, my mama occasionally gets mad at me for being...what does she call it? A complete shithead, maybe?...at which times I have to move out of her house and go live in her back yard. This is of course very annoying...

Monday, March 3, 2014
$11.94 from Amazon »

We've seen dudes with horse head masks and we've seen squirrels with big head feeders, so to complete the triangle of masks and garden critter nourishment, Archie McPhee obviously had to create a Horse Head Squirrel Feeder....

Friday, March 14, 2014
Sold Out from Amazon »

It's almost spring! Only...I don't know, however many days until the first day of spring...days away. What am I, a meteorologist? I'm 80% sure it happens sometime this month. And that means it's time to plant your garden....

Thursday, July 10, 2014
$630 from Toer »

Clouds might be the new bacon. First they appeared in the sky (where their reign, like bacon's alongside a plate of scrambled eggs, is still very strong.) Then they showed up as an abstruse term for virtual storage/intangible...

Wednesday, May 21, 2014
$129.99 from Amazon »

I love adjustable-height rattan tables that extend to reveal a 12-1/2 gallon cooler full of icy microbrews and Fireball. They look classy and consolidate some of the gear I'll need for the Summer 2014 Backyard Lie-Around-and-Do-Nothing-Off...

Monday, April 8, 2013
$9.29 from Essay Group »

Any man with a little hair on his chest can chop wood, but how many of you care to take the time to carve snowflake patterns into your logs such that they alight more dependably and burn with greater efficiency? Light 'n Go...

Wednesday, March 19, 2014
$9.50 from Amazon »

You are 1,500 live ladybugs away from an aphid-free garden. Aphids are also known as plant lice. Sick, huh? I mean, I have no clue about plants, but I do know a thing or two about lice (thank you very much Alex from third...

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Plant flowers, not bullet wounds. That's ST lab's rosy goal with Flower Shell. The Scandinavian company, which has developed several trendy, quirky, and what they hope will be considered visionary products, plans to release...

Friday, June 14, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

Wait. Aren't praying mantises hot, yet evil, women who devour men like Xander Harris in that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? And does that mean you're telling me I can purchase and hatch between 50 and 200 women out...

Saturday, January 12, 2013
$225 from The Spiritree »

Hello, children. In today's lesson we will learn about death and gardening. First, meet Walter. Walter is dead. That's why he fits so easily inside this urn. Now meet the Spiritree. The Spiritree is also an urn, but it is...

Saturday, October 12, 2013
$1,850 from Etsy »

Here's a snicker-worthy case of accidental black humor. Officially titled the Up North Fire Pit, this hand-cut steel sphere drew its inspiration from the majestical scenes and wildlife of Minnesota's north woods. And probably...

Tuesday, March 25, 2014
$55 from Etsy »

After their zombie gnomes ate most of the rest of the lawn ornaments, artists Chris Stever and Jane DeRosa had to go back to the casting board to create an installation that would return order to the front yard. Meet Ned Bark....

Tuesday, November 22, 2011
$65 from Etsy »

People just can't wait to pervert emblems of peace and goodwill, can they? First the benevolent garden gnome goes zombie and now he's Charlton Heston. Still, at under a foot tall, these combative cuties make perfect pairs--or...

Saturday, April 20, 2013
$39.95 from Amazon »

Can you imagine the anxiety, frustration, and ultimate sheer madness a one-way-mirror birdfeeder is going to cause in cats? As a passionate cat hater, I'm buying six. You think it's funny when you jump on my lap, nudging and...

Tuesday, April 1, 2014
$55.85 - $79.81 from Etsy »

This is possibly the only lawn ornament that could increase both your property value and your popularity with the neighbors. Brit Martin Pool creates his hippopotamus garden sculptures in Daddy and Jr. sizes, and has designed...

Wednesday, June 4, 2014
$17.68 from Amazon »

While I don't like the allusion to a snake in this product's title, the Flex Cobra personal mister is an otherwise grand addition to the high heat of summer. They had to pick a poisonous one with ear flaps too, didn't they?...

Wednesday, September 11, 2013
$11.79 from Amazon »

On the one hand, it's almost time to decorate for Halloween, so a zombie lawn flamingo would be a very wise purchase. And on the other hand, it's always time to class up the front yard, so a zombie lawn flamingo would again...

Thursday, September 13, 2012
$3,500 from Peter Lynn Kites »

I see your flying squirrel, Flying Dutchman, and flying f@*k, and raise you a flying blue whale! No, make that a life-size flying blue whale. Wind master Peter Lynn's superbly massive kite measures in at over 60 feet long...

Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

If you're into swinging and threesomes, the Infinity Hammock...will do nothing to help your cause. Unless you're into the kind of swinging threesomes wherein each party has his or her own personal space amidst a cocoon of...

Sunday, November 10, 2013
$49.94 from Amazon »

Cats, dogs, paparazzi, neighbor children without the athletic skill to control their damn soccer balls--these are the pests that infiltrate our back yards. Encroach our private domains. Stick their noses where they don't belong....

Wednesday, April 30, 2014
$369.99 from Amazon »

While I generally approve of anything that makes manual labor less laborious for me, I am not too stoked to hear about GreenWorks' battery operated lawn mower's 70-minute runtime. 70 minutes?! Great. That means my mama's going...

Friday, June 28, 2013
$11.50 - $44.09 from Amazon »

I really can't hear the word "mystical" anymore without thinking of Mystikal and his inexplicable squawking of that song about shaking things but watching yourself, but I can look at this Mystical Fire colorant that turns...

Thursday, July 25, 2013
$100 from Amazon »

Blissful slumbering courtesy of a bed in the sky. It sounds like a dream come true. So you click...and view...and...it's a hammock. A thin, garbage bag-looking hammock too. This hammock has some explaining to do....

Tuesday, July 16, 2013
$117.60 from Garrett Wade »

Anyone else snicker at the Super-Penetration Shovel's name? Come on, we're all intelligent adults here and, as such, know that the most popular application for the word "penetration" does not involve unruly terrain in the...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013
$69.95 from Amazon »

It was a tough call which of the Perfect 10 happy families splashing around in the Intex Easy Set Pool to pick as the product's featured photo, but I ultimately decided the blonde MILF in the winning shot was a better representative...

Monday, July 29, 2013
$296.97 from Amazon »

I don't usually swing, but when I do, I swing in a Vivere Dream Chair. Partly because it rocks my soul to a state of unwavering peace, and partly because whenever I try to get into one of those adulterous little circles, they...

Wednesday, November 27, 2013
$5,400 from Frontgate »

The idea of Dasher, a life-size reindeer that talks and moves, is decent, but, uh...did they have to give him the voice of Ross Matthews? MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! Let's hang pink and purple stockings! At least that's how...

Tuesday, May 1, 2012
$6,560 from Weltevree »

According to manufacturer Weltevree, using the Dutch Tub is like "slipping inside a teacup." I'm not sure submersing myself in a vat of English Breakfast has ever been at the forefront of my fantasies, but, hey, these wood-fired...

Saturday, October 5, 2013
$40 from Haptic Lab »

Hey you guuuuuyyyysss! It's like a pirate ship that sails through the sea above. All I need now is an eye patch, a sloth mask, pinchers of peril, and an inhaler and I could be some sort of deconstructed Goonie for Halloween....

Wednesday, July 3, 2013
$14.10 from Amazon »

If they were going to craft a Scarface garden gnome aiming an M16A1, you would think they could have also added some Al Pacino droopy eyes and a pouty mouth underneath that Santa Claus beard. As it stands--at only 9-1/2" tall...

Sunday, May 26, 2013
$749.99 from Amazon »

If its photographic depictions are accurate, the Rainforest Rapids amusement park is an inflatable backyard installation suitable for both wet and dry bouncy-bouncy fun, as well as both small children who want to splash in...

Sunday, April 8, 2012
$760 from VITEOSHOWER »

The only thing better than a water shower cascading down from above is a water shower shooting up from below. Champions of bidets and enemas, you know what we're talking about, 'ey? And though the photos depict fancy frolicking...

Sunday, July 21, 2013
$2,830 - $5,990 from Peter Lynn Kites »

Aw dude. It's like the perplexing baby head masks meet the life-size blue whale kite meets the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man descending ominously upon the Ghostbusters gang, shit-eating grin plastered across its face. The Cherub...

Thursday, May 9, 2013
$22.99 from Perpetual Kid »

Though not as blood-curdling as a breaching shark in an elevator, an alligator snarling up through a manhole cover on my front doorstep should make uninvited visitors take pause long enough to second guess their decision to...

Sunday, August 18, 2013
Sold Out from Amazon »

One way to guarantee your kid grows up to be a spoiled, entitled brat like that little crapper Suri Cruise is to install an in-ground pool in your back yard--maybe even one that fluctuates between pool and patio--and then...

Sunday, April 7, 2013
$399.95 from Amazon »

I recently got an email from a fan that said, "I hate to be HOT." Hahahaha, get it? A fan that hates to be hot. Actually, I just noticed that hilarious pun after I wrote it. I really did get an email from someone telling me...

Wednesday, May 8, 2013
$599 from Tower Garden »

Soil. Lengthy growth periods. The X-axis. Tower Garden rejects you en masse. An aeroponic growing system ideal for rooftops, patios, balconies, and terraces, this food and flower producer replaces pots of temperamental soil...

Friday, July 26, 2013
$183 from Stadt Bedarf »

This balcony rail table attachment can help you grow flowers, read the paper, type your reports and breakup emails, grill some meat, and serve booze all without legs and floor space consumption! The German-made balKonzept...

Monday, June 10, 2013
$38 from The Fowndry »

I wonder if the birds who enter the Death Star birdhouse ever come out. If not, I wish it were a residence for those of the feline persuasion. Or better, I hope the birds do come out alive, but with mutated laser eyes so they...

Tuesday, December 6, 2011
$199.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This "casually" posed inflatable snowman certainly makes a statement "lounging" in your pristine front lawn. And that statement is that two gay guys live here. Five internal lights illuminate the snowman, making him look as...

Saturday, August 11, 2012
$4,185.48 from Amazon »

I feel the need, the need for...Maverick and Goose. Projected 9' feet tall onto a giant inflatable movie screen in my backyard. The CineBox Backyard Theater System beams movies, recorded concerts, video games, and Monday Night...

Sunday, June 24, 2012
$15k from Etsy »

According to artist Kreatworks' Etsy listing, 7,900+ people have seen the thunderous magnificence of their Giant Steampunk Dragon. But if you're one of the billions left on earth who still haven't, check it. Standing 10.8'...

Friday, September 27, 2013
$149.99 from Amazon »

I feel like this steel mesh ball should contain, like, a set of conjoined twin brothers on motorcycles, not just a pile of logs and flames. No worries, though. I'm sure the Ball of Fire can go from outdoor fireplace to Globe...

Monday, June 17, 2013
$198.67 from Amazon »

Is there anything more relaxing and enjoyable than lying in the sun on a warm summer day with a gentle breeze caressing your skin and maybe some gentle lips caressing your skin and also an unlimited supply of fine brews traveling...

Friday, February 17, 2012

What does your chain link fence say about you? Nothing? What if it were inlaid with intricate designs of lace, leaves, butterflies, kings of the jungle, or the face of Darth Vadar? Lace Fence is a traditional, fully functional...

Monday, September 17, 2012

Though not quite as cool as the Inflatable Water Ball, I could see the Human Bowling Ball game providing many hours of fun and mild concussions for the whole fam damily. Its transparent PVC ball inflates to 7' in diameter...

Saturday, January 5, 2013
$41k from Matter »

Good things come to those who...have high-paying jobs or trust funds. For when they are overwrought and need an immediate means of relaxation, or bloated and seeping whiskey from their pores and need a surefire way to shed...

Thursday, April 18, 2013
$43.90 from Amazon »

While I would prefer to have a dragon that breathes fire and prepares to reclaim Westeros for the rightful Queen, Daenerys Targaryen, I guess one that diverts water is an OK second. This gothic, gargoyle-inspired dragon downspout...

Monday, June 10, 2013
$35.20 - $65 from Amazon »

Oh boy, I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw they still make these UV bug zappers. My grandma had one when I was growing up in the Midwest and in the summertime we'd sit on her patio and bond over electrocuting...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013
$149.99 from Bird Photo Booth »

I think the Bird Photo Booth is sort of like this camera rig with a peephole I made inside the top drawer of my dresser, but instead of taking pictures of the girls I lure inside by saying a litter of baby bunny rabbits awaits...

Tuesday, February 5, 2013
$41 from Art Lebedev »

The Greeks--or whatever foreign-tongued group of cats who created this optical illusion doormat--sure don't cut any corners when it comes to making up a fancy way to say "box". But the Parallelepipedus Kovrikus makes up for...

Saturday, March 24, 2012
$269 from Design Toscano »

Here's the crash. The burn is what the Joneses are going to feel when you get ahold of this phantasmagorical post-collision flying saucer statue first. Oh how revelers at the annual Star Wars garden party will delight in the...

Saturday, March 31, 2012
$2k from Etsy »

The Great Bowl O' Fire proves that taking a torch to a flammable gas storage tank can occasionally create something besides a massive explosion. A closer look at sculptor John Unger's poetic take on flames housing flames reveals...

Monday, May 7, 2012
$3,728 from Amazon »

A backyard dunk tank will translate to hours upon hours of slightly mean-spirited amusement on a hot day. Not to mention a few more dollars in sales for Apple when half of the eager beavers scrambling for the platform forget...