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Friday, June 14, 2013
Praying Mantis Eggs
$20.99 from Amazon »

Wait. Aren't praying mantises hot, yet evil, women who devour men like Xander Harris in that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? And does that mean you're telling me I can purchase and hatch between 50 and 200 women out...

Thursday, June 06, 2013
The Stealth Pavillion

Dutch artist Paul Seger's Stealth Pavillion is an art installation and thematic exploration of heterotopia, the idea of anti-space within a expressed context. I know. I hate it too when people define a word that doesn't mean...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Hidden Water Pools

One time a couple of minutes ago I saw a patio that turned into a swimming pool! That's crazy! Almost Fletcher Capstan expandable table proportions of crazy, and definitely more in compliance with my agenda of spending the next 3 months lounging under the sun, taking the occasional dip to cool off, tossing a few sides of beef on the grill, and figuring out ways to lure ladies into my lair that...

Monday, June 17, 2013
Zero Gravity Patio Lounger
$119.99 from Amazon »

Is there anything more relaxing and enjoyable than lying in the sun on a warm summer day with a gentle breeze caressing your skin and maybe some gentle lips caressing your skin and also an unlimited supply of fine brews traveling...

Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Backyard Swimmin' Hole
$77.99 from Amazon »

It was a tough call which of the Perfect 10 happy families splashing around in the Intex Easy Set Pool to pick as the product's featured photo, but I ultimately decided the blonde MILF in the winning shot was a better representative...

Thursday, September 01, 2011
Zombie Gnomes: Bye Bye Birdie
$55 from Etsy »

This is what we call an imperfect synergy. In the battle of the two tackiest, yet most often seen yard decorations (no offense fake plastic deer), it looks as if the gnomes have won. And it was bloody. Zombie gnomes 1, Flamingos dead....

Monday, June 10, 2013
Death Star Birdhouse
$38 from The Fowndry »

I wonder if the birds who enter the Death Star birdhouse ever come out. If not, I wish it were a residence for those of the feline persuasion. Or better, I hope the birds do come out alive, but with mutated laser eyes so they...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Glow Stones

Ambient Glow Technology's Glow Stones combine with concrete--they either mix in freestyle or nestle in methodically--to create everything from illuminated pathways to Fairyland to sculpted lawn ornaments to mood-setting bathroom...

Monday, June 10, 2013
Flowtron Bug Zapper
$35.20 - $65 from Amazon »

Oh boy, I could hardly contain my excitement when I saw they still make these UV bug zappers. My grandma had one when I was growing up in the Midwest and in the summertime we'd sit on her patio and bond over electrocuting...

Sunday, May 26, 2013
Inflatable Water Park
$693.57 from Amazon »

If its photographic depictions are accurate, the Rainforest Rapids amusement park is an inflatable backyard installation suitable for both wet and dry bouncy-bouncy fun, as well as both small children who want to splash in...

If bat shit looked like 1000mW of ice-blue lightning, the S3 Spyder III Arctic Laser would be the physical manifestation of bat shit crazy. As it stands, the world's most powerful laser is just fuckin' nuts. Wicked Lasers' (absolutely, 100% legal) handheld bolt of pure spectral power counts amongst its marketable skills the ability to: Sear through ornery plastic, pop bitch-ass balloons, burn continuously, 24/7, without sustaining damage to its laser diode, function in 9 different operating modes, including Strobe, Constant Wave, SOS, Beacon, and Tactical Hibernation, emit 0.25 Lux of light at a distance of 6,856 meters, turn anyone it hits in the eye at a distance of 149 meters or less into Ray Charles, minus the musical talent and soul.

And if that weren't enough to get it laid every day for the duration of its 5,000+-hour serviceable life, Guinness is currently testing the S3 Arctic for the official title of World's Most Powerful Laser.

The S3 Arctic Series Laser resides in an aircraft grade aluminum chassis that's smaller than a standard flashlight.

Saturday, April 20, 2013
One-Way-Mirror Birdfeeder
$35.99 from Amazon »

Can you imagine the anxiety, frustration, and ultimate sheer madness a one-way-mirror birdfeeder is going to cause in cats? As a passionate cat hater, I'm buying six. You think it's funny when you jump on my lap, nudging and...

Monday, April 08, 2013
Light 'n Go Bonfire Log
$9.29 from Essay Group »

Any man with a little hair on his chest can chop wood, but how many of you care to take the time to carve snowflake patterns into your logs such that they alight more dependably and burn with greater efficiency? Light 'n Go...

Saturday, January 12, 2013
Treeincarnation: From Ashes to Spiritree
$225 from The Spiritree »

Hello, children. In today's lesson we will learn about death and gardening. First, meet Walter. Walter is dead. That's why he fits so easily inside this urn. Now meet the Spiritree. The Spiritree is also an urn, but it is...

Thursday, May 09, 2013
Alligator in a Manhole Doormat
$22.99 from Perpetual Kid »

Though not as blood-curdling as a breaching shark in an elevator, an alligator snarling up through a manhole cover on my front doorstep should make uninvited visitors take pause long enough to second guess their decision to...

Wednesday, May 08, 2013
Tower Garden Growing System
$599 from Tower Garden »

Soil. Lengthy growth periods. The X-axis. Tower Garden rejects you en masse. An aeroponic growing system ideal for rooftops, patios, balconies, and terraces, this food and flower producer replaces pots of temperamental soil...

Sunday, April 07, 2013
Portable Hoseless Misting Fan
$399.95 from Amazon »

I recently got an email from a fan that said, "I hate to be HOT." Hahahaha, get it? A fan that hates to be hot. Actually, I just noticed that hilarious pun after I wrote it. I really did get an email from someone telling me...

Thursday, September 13, 2012
Life-Size Blue Whale Kite
$3,500 from Peter Lynn Kites »

I see your flying squirrel, Flying Dutchman, and flying f@*k, and raise you a flying blue whale! No, make that a life-size flying blue whale. Wind master Peter Lynn's superbly massive kite measures in at over 60 feet long...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Combat Garden Gnome
$65 from Etsy »

People just can't wait to pervert emblems of peace and goodwill, can they? First the benevolent garden gnome goes zombie and now he's Charlton Heston. Still, at under a foot tall, these combative cuties make perfect pairs--or...

Thursday, April 18, 2013
Dragon Downspout Statue
$41.72 from Amazon »

While I would prefer to have a dragon that breathes fire and prepares to reclaim Westeros for the rightful Queen, Daenerys Targaryen, I guess one that diverts water is an OK second. This gothic, gargoyle-inspired dragon downspout...

Sunday, April 08, 2012
Outdoor Shower
$760 from VITEOSHOWER »

The only thing better than a water shower cascading down from above is a water shower shooting up from below. Champions of bidets and enemas, you know what we're talking about, 'ey? And though the photos depict fancy frolicking...

Tuesday, February 05, 2013
Parallelepipedus Kovrikus Doormat
$41 from Art Lebedev »

The Greeks--or whatever foreign-tongued group of cats who created this optical illusion doormat--sure don't cut any corners when it comes to making up a fancy way to say "box". But the Parallelepipedus Kovrikus makes up for...

Saturday, August 11, 2012
Backyard Theater System
$4,303.99 from Amazon »

I feel the need, the need for...Maverick and Goose. Projected 9' feet tall onto a giant inflatable movie screen in my backyard. The CineBox Backyard Theater System beams movies, recorded concerts, video games, and Monday Night...

Saturday, January 05, 2013
Sauna Box
$41,000 from Matter »

Good things come to those who...have high-paying jobs or trust funds. For when they are overwrought and need an immediate means of relaxation, or bloated and seeping whiskey from their pores and need a surefire way to shed...

Tuesday, May 01, 2012
The Dutch Tub
$6,560 from Weltevree »

According to manufacturer Weltevree, using the Dutch Tub is like "slipping inside a teacup." I'm not sure submersing myself in a vat of English Breakfast has ever been at the forefront of my fantasies, but, hey, these wood-fired...

Sunday, June 24, 2012
Giant Steampunk Dragon
$11,500 from Etsy »

According to artist Kreatworks' Etsy listing, 7,900+ people have seen the thunderous magnificence of their Giant Steampunk Dragon. But if you're one of the billions left on earth who still haven't, check it. Standing 10.8'...

Monday, September 17, 2012
The Human Bowling Ball

Though not quite as cool as the Inflatable Water Ball, I could see the Human Bowling Ball game providing many hours of fun and mild concussions for the whole fam damily. Its transparent PVC ball inflates to 7' in diameter...

Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Big Gay Inflatable Snowman
$199.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This "casually" posed inflatable snowman certainly makes a statement "lounging" in your pristine front lawn. And that statement is that two gay guys live here. Five internal lights illuminate the snowman, making him look as...

Friday, February 17, 2012
Lace Fence - Stylized Chain Link Designs

What does your chain link fence say about you? Nothing? What if it were inlaid with intricate designs of lace, leaves, butterflies, kings of the jungle, or the face of Darth Vadar? Lace Fence is a traditional, fully functional...

Saturday, March 24, 2012
Crash Landing Flying Saucer Statue
$269 from Design Toscano »

Here's the crash. The burn is what the Joneses are going to feel when you get ahold of this phantasmagorical post-collision flying saucer statue first. Oh how revelers at the annual Star Wars garden party will delight in the...

Saturday, March 31, 2012
Great Bowl O' Fire Steel Firepit
$2,000 from Etsy »

The Great Bowl O' Fire proves that taking a torch to a flammable gas storage tank can occasionally create something besides a massive explosion. A closer look at sculptor John Unger's poetic take on flames housing flames reveals...

Monday, May 07, 2012
Backyard Dunk Tank
Sold Out from Amazon »

A backyard dunk tank will translate to hours upon hours of slightly mean-spirited amusement on a hot day. Not to mention a few more dollars in sales for Apple when half of the eager beavers scrambling for the platform forget...

Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Shotgun Planter
$300 from Voos Furniture »

Bestowed with one-of-a-kind status, and forged from antique rifle stock, the Shotgun Planter now gives life to mosses, tiny shrubs, and delicate flowers instead of taking it from pheasants, hogs, and cousins named Darryl who...

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