In Vitro Baby Branding

By: on April 01, 2012
In Vitro Baby Branding

Ink, sperm and eggs go in, a financially secure future comes out. In vitro fertilization is expensive, and let's face it, so are babies. What better way to offset the costs, and maybe make a little extra (elbow-elbow) than selling some prime epidermal real estate on your newest bread winner? Octomom- and Duggar-approved, you won't be saying, "Eight is Enough" after you calculate the earning potential of these walking billboards.

"But, wait!" you say, "How is this possible?" In what's proving to be an immaculate conception, the good folks at ACME Fertilization and Recycled Needles Ink joined faculties and resources to develop this brainchild of pure gold for all parties involved. From there, government funding reappropriated from the space program, plus private funding previously targeted for the 3rd and 4th seasons of HBO's Rome, helped cultivate the research, and make the embryo grow. Once the first bundle of fiscal joy popped out with a Wah! and "Tupac Is Alive" inked in perfectly legible tribal font across his back, the money from big business came flooding in.

In the lab, a delicate mixture of sperm and ink are injected into the egg with tiny needles and a high-powered microscope that enable your Fetal Tattoo Technician to ensure the correct company logos appear on the exact body parts you've sold. Arms, legs and the back of the neck are obviously the highest grossing areas, with 24/7 visibility. For modest, albeit less shrewd, parents there are also more reasonable packages available on traditionally popular areas like the lower back. However, keep in mind that "tramp stamps" are generally reserved for condom brands and penis enlargement pills.

With over 500 corporations on board, it's not a question of if you can afford to have a baby anymore, but more a question of how rich you want to be.

Special thanks to Dietrich Wegner for the photos.