Pets

Apollo Peak Cat Wine

$4.95 - $11.95 from Apollo Peak »

No, cat haters, Apollo Peak does not make wine out of cats. And, sorry pranksters, MosCATo is not a bottle of fermented grapes finished with cat pee that you can send anonymously to the nosy, loud-mouthed B from marketing...

Outward Hound Tuff Guy Dog Toys

$15.08 - $31.89 from Amazon »

It's fuzzy stuffed hedgehog meets 'roided out meathead in this toy for your dog that you'll probably buy just as much as a gift for yourself. Outward Hound's Tuff Guy dog toys squeak, grunt, and huff for your pooch while...

Foaming Mousse Dry Pet Shampoo

$15.98 from Amazon »

My friend Cornelius' Uncle Otto used to have this crotchety, overweight Westie called Magoo who, like many dogs, enjoyed digging around in the back yard and rolling in rabbit crap. He also had severe skin allergies (along...

Wild Knight Dog Armor

$367 from Etsy »

Your canine ca-knight in shining armor has arrived! With one caveat: Lebovskiart, the Bulgarian designer of the shining armor, reports that his dog "does not like very much these strange clothes." But for him at least...

Audubon Bat Shelter

$35.99 from Amazon »

No Bruce Waynes allowed! (Vampires considered on a case-by-case basis.) This Audubon Bat Shelter is large enough to accommodate up to 20 members of your bat colony. And for those who haven't yet founded their bat colony...

The Kitty Pass Interior Cat Door

$44.95 from Amazon »

"The Kitty Pass" sounds a little odd, but I guess they couldn't really call it "The Kitty Hole" without experiencing some PR backlash, now could they?...

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3D Printed Cat Armor

Now that the dog is Kevlared, spiked, and pokey bristled to the hilt with a CoyoteVest, it's time to turn your attention to armoring the cat. True, you've had the leather Cat Battle Armor option for a couple of years...

CoyoteVest Pet Body Armor

$19.95 - $109.95 from Coyote Vest »

Sure, a CoyoteVest will make your lap dog look like a mohawked Mad Max BAMF, but that's just a happy side effect. The self-described "Pet Body Armor's" primary purpose is to protect your little buddy from an attack....

The Cat Crib

$29 from Amazon »

Spoil your cat the same way you spoil your feet: with a nice, relaxing hammock under your desk or chair. Kitties get cozy and tucked away from the commotion of a human-infested home with the Cat Crib....

Doggie Bungee Toy

$21.48 from Amazon »

For me, playing with dogs is like playing with kids: I'm good for about 7 minutes before I need a nap. Particularly when they have boundless energy for tugging or saddling you up like a horse and riding around on your...

Room with a View Pet House

$71.56 from Amazon »

I'd like to see this bed-with-a-rooftop-deck design for pets scaled up to human size as well. Maybe to use as a poolside cabana or backyard lounger. A little sun, a little nap, a little sun, a little nap.... Dogs and...

U-Pet Bubble Pet Carriers

$69 - $129 from Amazon »

U-Pet says the transparent bubble domes built into its pet carriers give your pooches and pusses "a window to the world," but I don't know, dude, the half-petrified look on that cat's face makes me wonder if he wouldn't...

Fresh Patch - Real Grass Disposable Dog Potty

$19 - $29 from Amazon »

Is it not bad enough that we buy our dogs designer clothing, jeweled collars, and gourmet meals? Now we're indulging them with real grass as we train them not to pee in our shoes? Well...yes and no. Fresh Patch is indeed...

Heated Outdoor Cat House

$53.99 from Amazon »

If I liked my mama's neighbor's fat cat Willard I would buy this cat house for him. As it stands though, he's a jerk so I don't really care if he gets cold while he's stalking robins in my mama's yard this winter. For...

Werewolf Dog Muzzle

Sold Out from Amazon »

Oh boy, I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween 2015 yet, but I sure know now how I'm going to dress up my girlfriend, She-Ra: Princess of Power's cat. Yeah, the Russians say this Werewolf Muzzle is for dogs...

Dog Pool Float & Lounger

$69.50 - $129.50 from Frontgate »

Now that I've given you the rundown of your own best bets for summer water toys, I figured I'd throw a bone to Fido over there so he won't feel left out. But first I need a few minutes to find the tequila and toast myself...

Odin Modular Puzzle Dog Toy

$23 from Up Dog Toys »

We have geometric rubber dog toys and we have dog toys that dole out treats to clever pooches who solve their puzzle. What Up Dog Toys feels we've been missing are dog toys that sport a modern design. You know, that won't...

Indiana Jones Cat Bridge

$150 - $240 from Catastrophic Creations »

This listing is for an Indiana Jones Cat Bridge, but it appears that in order to make it a viable lounging place for your own cat, you will also have to construct an entire Temple of the Chachapoyan Warriors to assist...

Chain Chomp Cat Bed

According to Catastrophic Creations, this Chain Chomp Cat Bed "took and incredibly long amount of time to make." Good thing cats are so appreciative of their owners' gifts and love, and reciprocate in kind by never missing...

Coyote Face Pet Harness

Discontinued

I don't know whether that cat looks more pissed that someone put a harness on him or that the face of the coyote he just gutted and ate from the inside out when it tried to swallow him whole is still stuck to it....

Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer

$39.99 - $44.99 from Amazon »

Nine-year-old Marissa Streng came up with the Puff-N-Fluff bag. To dry her pug, Mojo, after a bath, after a swim, after coming in from the rain, after any time she preferred not gagging and retching to inhaling the ripe...

Pet Defender Stun Sticks

Arc Angel Industries' Pet Defenders are canes and walking sticks that double as inconspicuous stun guns. So that when you're out plastic baggying little Coco's numero dos to impress his (incredibly hot female that you...

Catnip Joints

$10 - $19.50 from Stark Raving Cat »

Legal in all 50 states! Though I'm pretty sure Catnip Joints are the inverse of marijuana joints. In the sense that all the cats I've ever seen lie around and sleep all day, pausing only to look at you with complete disinterest...

Schnuzzle - Scent-Based Dog Toys

$27 from Schnuzzle »

Schnuzzle promises to be your best friend's new best friend. Why? Because it smells like bacon! And then it smells like BBQ beef! And then, suddenly, roast chicken! Nubby spherical and cylindrical dog toys with interchangeable...

Shark Fin Dog Life Jacket

$29.99 from ThinkGeek »

This shark won't take a bite out of your leg, but get too close and he'll probably lick and hump it. How clever. A shark life preserver for your pooch. He might hate wearing it, but the full-body flotation vest will keep...

Cat Drinking Fountain

Discontinued

As a frame of reference, I looked up how much it would cost to purchase a normal drinking fountain. Like, for a human. Under $400 from Amazon. So why would you spend $1,250 for a custom-made miniature wood drinking fountain...

Patriotic Duck Diaper

$44.99 from Etsy »

Did you know that poultry cannot be potty trained? Of course you did. It's why your pet duck Precious keeps peeing on your couch and quacking out poos on every rug in the house. Not to mention that, despite every movie...

PetSafe SmartDoor

$84.31 - $130.92 from Amazon »

The PetSafe SmartDoor at least partially solves both the #1 problem with owning a dog, and the #1 problem with owning a dog door: having to take care of it; and home security. Available in 2 sizes, the dog door installs...

CleverPet Dog Gaming Console

$249 from CleverPet »

According to CleverPet, one reason dogs strew the stuffing from your couch cushions across the house and eat entire ficus plants is that they're bored. Another reason is that they're a-holes. CleverPet says it can address...

Litter Kwitter

$49.95 from Amazon »

Yes, the Litter Kwitter is a real thing. Vendor Firebox, known for their elaborate April Fool's pranks, repeatedly assures us that this seeming 20-pound chocolate Lionel Richie head of cat supplies is not a joke. So now...

Electric Flea Zapper for Pets

$39.95 from Amazon »

This flea zapper for dogs and cats is made by Epilady. I'm pretty sure that's the same company that made a device my grandma used to use to rip the hair out of her legs by the root. I know this only because during visits...

Cool Down Doggie Misting Leash

$5.99 from Amazon »

Why are we assisting dogs with a task they are supposed to be genetically predisposed to handling themselves? Aren't their fur coats designed by Mother Nature to insulate them both with and against heat? Isn't panting...

Nightstand Dog House

$499.95 - $599.95 from Hammacher Schlemmer »

This nightstand with a built-in dog house looks swell until you see it with the dog closed inside. Then it looks like a solitary confinement chamber used for enemy spies. And even if your dog chews and pees on things...

Dog Powered Scooter

$250 - $900 from Dog Powered Scooter »

Oh good, dog sledding is now available for suburbia in July. It's a Dog. Powered. Scooter. For canine exercise? Sure. To enhance mobility of the elderly? Sounds good. So that I can be the one guy in town who travels by...

Soft Claws for Cats - Anti-Scratching Aid

$9.99 - $15.02 from Amazon »

Listen, I approve of anything that will prevent a cat from slashing up my face just because I had the nerve to pet it after it came and laid down on my head. But I feel like some crazy cat people...well, let's call them...

Bubble Tank

$569 from GNR 8 »

The Bubble Tank is a nice piece of art I'd like to fill with rocks and small fish and sit on my shelf. In part. In another part it looks like a giant tumor, which alludes to the one probably growing inside me from all...

Cat Battle Armor

$500 - $520 from Etsy »

Quick, someone get this cat a lance! He's scheduled to joust one of the guinea pigs from G-Force at high noon and only just finished his battle armor fitting. I don't know if he's ready for this. The pigs have been training...

No More Woof - Dog to Human Translator

$65 - $400 from No More Woof »

From the Nordic Society of Invention and Discovery--yes, that's a real society, not one made up by Wes Anderson--comes No More Woof, a device that lifts up the latest technology in micro computing and EEG, and plops it...

PetChatz - Pet Communication System

$349 from Pet Chatz »

The simulation of being at home when you're not at home. It's the new black. And from smartphone-controlled security systems to interactive pet communication systems like the Petcube and, now, PetChatz, the application...

Shark Puppy Bed

$36.99 - $43.99 from Amazon »

The smooshy shark or the poofy puppy: I don't know which is more adorable, and therefore most responsible for my urge to slap it in the face. Can any woman look at this dog without longing to hold it in her arms? Can...

Dog High Chair

Sold Out from Amazon »

Some people might say allowing a dog to sit in a high chair and eat dinner at the table with the rest of the family is unsanitary, or even vile, but I really have no problem with the hygiene aspect of the activity. Toddlers...

ThrowBowl - Frisbee Convertible Bowl

$18.95 from Amazon »

Sorry, baby owners, you still have to pack up 40 pounds of luggage prior to each and every trip to the park. But you, dog owners, have just been given the gift of consolidation. Paww's ThrowBowl fuses flying disc with...

AT-AT Dog Costume

$14.25 - $20.35 from Amazon »

It's an AT-AT. Costume. For your dog. I know Halloween is still 2 months and 14 days away, but I sense these babies are going to sell out quick come October 1st. And anyway, a lot of dog owners get a charge out of dressing...

Murphy Bed for Dogs

The 21st century: where dog food is for humans, and human beds are for dogs. Oh, and you can also wear the Internet on your face. Murphy’s Paw Design and Clark | Richardson Architects have developed two Barkitecture-award-winning...

Stop Eating Poop Remedy for Dogs

Sold Out from Amazon »

I chose a pug to help convey the meaning of this Stop Eating Poop remedy for dogs because pugs both mow on their own turds and suck in general. OK listen. I love all nature's creatures. Mostly the human women kind, but...

Solar Powered Cat Tantalizer

Unlike fireworks, entertainment by way of watching cats have a conniption represents easy, inexpensive, and safe* entertainment 365 days a year. Now we all know how I feel about cats, i.e., Satan and Joan Rivers' love...

HALO LED Pet Collar

$35 from HALO »

That bunny rabbit in the red HALO pet collar might be the cutest non-human woman I have ever seen. Even cuter than that Pomeranian with its own product line that disgruntles me by way of melting my heart every time I...

iFetch Automatic Ball Launcher

$115 from Amazon »

iFetch isn't the first automatic ball launcher for dogs, but it's about half the cost of the Go Dog Go, and I am more partial to iFetch's video of the dancing Boston Terrier than I am to Go Dog Go's of the spastic Puggle....