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Dark Chocolate Sriracha Bunny

By: on March 23, 2013
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At first I thought the Dark Chocolate Sriracha Easter Bunny was just the latest addition to our rooster sauce pop culture craze, but further rumination made me realize its true application is as a training tool for children. Greedily gnawing off an ear of this rabbit laced with a mouthful of debilitating burn will prove to be an Easter surprise that teaches them:

  • Easter is about Hey Zeus, not eggs and bunny rabbits and candy. Drive the message home.
  • Little pests who beg for treats and presents better be careful what they wish for. They might just get it coated in 5-star Asian spice.
  • Chocolate is evil. Chocolate sets your insides on fire. Don't eat chocolate. This will help curb childhood obesity.

Sriracha Easter Bunnys are made of 8 ounces of sold dark chocolate and stand 7" tall x 5" wide.

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Cute Ass Animals Underwear

$35 - $56 from Etsy »

Etsy vendor Nichola's Knickerockers, underwear with adorable animal faces strategically sewn across one of my favorite places on earth, are pricey. But to all ladies who often get mistaken for Victoria's Secret models...

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Playboy: The Complete Centerfolds, 1953-2016

$50.97 from Amazon »

Did you know Marilyn Monroe was the first ever Playboy centerfold? It happened in 1953, and launched what would become Hugh Hefner's iconic Playmate of the Month title and spread. And I didn't know of this before. Clearly...

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Refillable Sriracha Keychain

$14.99 from Amazon »

I know there are a few problems with this Sriracha keychain. Like in addition to enabling me to deliberately put Sriracha on my breakfast burritos and Philly cheese dips on the go, it's also going to enable me to inadvertently...

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Fresh Whole Rabbit

Sold Out from Amazon »

Nom, nom, nom. It's Hasenpfeffer meets the next-generation three wolf moon shirt. Your days of gnawing on leathery old rabbit parts that taste like a combination of barnyard and the positive ends of AA batteries are over....

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Sriracha Seasoning Stix

$14.99 from Sriracha Stix »

Mmmmm, impalement coming soon to steak near you. Sriracha Seasoning Stix are solidified pokers of the iconic rooster sauce--the hot cock's hot cock, if you will--made to spice up your meat prior to cooking. Press a few...

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Minecraft Marshmallow Creeps

$4.99 from ThinkGeek »

The little bit of good news I have for you today is that we are only 16 days away from spring and 27 days away from Easter*, which means Peep eating season is upon us! Even better tidings for Minecraft die-hards: Marshmallow...

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Bubonic Bunny Hoppers

$20 from Etsy »

Looks like we're gonna have a grotesque perversion of the fuzzy, frolicky, happy animals emblematic of every major holiday now. First Phillip Blackman took on Valentine's Day with his Undead Teds, and here Undead Ed tackles...

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Sriracha Vodka

Hello there, ma'am. Fine evening we're having, wouldn't you say? What's that in my hand you ask? Here, have a closer look....

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Mouse Taxidermy Kit

$49.69 from Firebox.com »

I hate to throw out a perfectly good dead mouse. It just seems like an anti-climactic payoff for the money I spend on traps and cheese. I'm glad to hear the people of London agree. According to Firebox, mouse taxidermy...

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Super Mario Candy Easter Egg

It may not be a block, but crack your head against this yellow question mark and you'll still enjoy the spoils of gold coins and a mushroom o' added life. Or at least a temporary increase in energy from its 58 or so grams...

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Sriracha Candy Canes

$7.99 from ThinkGeek »

Is it too early to be talking about candy canes? Most likely. But I join the Targets and Macy's (Macy'ses?) of the world in shoving Christmas down your throat immediately after Halloween only because I care about you....

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Sriracha Boxer Briefs

$18.99 from The Oatmeal Shop »

For those who claim to put Sriracha on everything, it's time to put your money where your mouth is. Introduce the rooster to the family jewels. Acquaint your two favorite hot cocks. Sriracha Boxer Briefs burn along backsides...