Equipment

Adjustable Kettle Versa-Bell

$135.14 from Amazon »

Kettlebells are designed to displace their weight away from your body during use, making the physics of lifting them more dynamic. Your stabilizing muscles must work just as hard as those moving the bell. Mastering kettlebell...

GoRoll Foam Roller with Storage

$79 - $89 from GoRoll »

GoRoll combines the firm shell and EVA foam coating of massage rollers with the hollow core of my ex-girlfriend Karen to produce this dual purpose tension reliever and lockable storage cylinder. A detachable carry strap...

The Rodeo Core Fitness Trainer

$214.84 from Amazon »

The Rodeo Core fitness trainer invites you to "Enjoy a delightful ride while whipping core muscles into shape!" Coincidentally, that was also the invitation I gave the ladies I used to meet on Tinder. No wonder they were...

Lebert Equalizer

$99 - $116.95 from Amazon »

Use the Lebert Equalizer to do pushups, pullups, dips, lunges, planks. Use it on the incline, use it on the decline, use it on the road. Grab the simple set of arced bars and rip out your whole body solo, or partner up...

Long Piropiro Lung Exercise Tool

Hey it's a kazoo or a, uh, unraveling blowy thing the kiddos and incredibly irritating adults blow into to unravel at birthdays and New Year's. But this blow thing has taken on a new disguise: from party supply to exercise...

TRX Suspension Training Home Kit

$178.99 from Amazon »

The hardness of the muscles you'll build from using the Navy SEAL-developed TRX suspension training system is directly proportional to the hardness of actually using the TRX suspension training system. Though there are...

Vibration Plate Jiggle Fitness Machine

$500 from Amazon »

If you've ever watched TV at 3 in the morning you've probably seen the Power Plus Vibration Plate, or something like it, before. I've seen the machine making people's jiggly parts jiggle many times myself. But what I...

DynaMax Gyroscopic Core Trainer

$499.99 from Amazon »

Gyroscopes can help you fly drones and track your activity. They can also kick your ass to next Thursday and back. In time for a repeat performance tomorrow. The DynaMax Gyroscopic Core Trainer employs this spherical...

Private Gym Penis Trainer (NSFW)

$59.99 - $99.99 from Amazon »

It's the one body part P90X neglects. But before you reach for a Viagra to long-and-strongify your johnson, the Private Gym would like its shot at ripping your penis to shr-...uh.... Maybe I'll go with a different idiomatic...

Boston Marathon Course-Simulating Treadmill

$3,999 from ProForm »

Training for the Boston Marathon? Or any marathon? Want to replicate an especially rigorous and badass hike you took on your vacation through the Dolmites? The iFit-enabled, Google Maps-charged Boston Marathon 4.0 treadmill...

Varigrip Adjustable Hand Exerciser

$9.99 from Amazon »

Planet Waves says its Varigrip is the "perfect tool for pre-show warm-ups and maintaining conditioning when away from your instrument." So, yeah, it's totally a hand job trainer. Both for masturbatory efforts and those...

FORTIS Exoskeleton

Get a FORTIS exoskeleton and you'll instantly have: 1) superhero strength; and 2) a superhero costume. Two birds, one stone. Like Iron Man. Lockheed Martin is developing this unpowered, lightweight external structure...

Journey Gym in a Briefcase

$249 from Amazon »

Getting a Journey Gym isn't quite as good as getting a briefcase full of unmarked hundred dollar bills, but it's better than getting a briefcase full of performance data you have to enter by hand into an Excel spreadsheet....

The Grid Foam Roller

$22.95 - $50.61 from Amazon »

Who wants to apply some myofascial compression techniques to their tight, overwrought muscles? Second only to the hands of a 6' Swedish co-ed who's been milking cows since birth, the TriggerPoint GRID foam roller penetrates...

WaterRower Natural Rowing Machine

$1,160 from Amazon »

The rowing machine. The erg. It's a fate worse than death. You should try it. WaterRower's Natural Rowing Machine will even look classy and simulate a true strokin'-on-the-lake feel as it slow cooks your muscles from...

FLYUP Fitness Multi-Tool

$40 from Flyup Fitness »

The FLYUP is a multi-functional piece of fitness equipment consisting of 2 rectangular chunks of plastic with padded tops, removable handles, and low-friction bottom surfaces that glide along a floor or short-weave carpet....

Stamina Adjustable Height PlyoBox

$199 from Amazon »

Whether you want to increase your explosive power or just make a couple of giant blue goose eggs appear on your shins, box jumps are for you. And Stamina's PlyoBox, a steel X-shaped bench with 4 adjustable heights, can...

SteelBell Steel Shot-Filled Neoprene Weights

$39.99 - $122.85 from Amazon »

While SteelBell creator Hyperwear also makes neoprene SandBells, these steel shot-filled versions of the free weights are about half the size of and, some say, twice as dynamic as their counterparts. Available as individual...

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Float Water Relaxation Cap & Support

$135 from Float »

I used to have a membership to one of those isolation tank therapy places (coincidentally also called Float). You'd climb in these completely enclosed, completely pitch black sci-fi looking pods filled with about a foot...

Pulmonica Breathe-Better Harmonica

$99.95 from Amazon »

So I finally found my cure for smoker's cough. According to the blonde lady in the Pulmonica video, this pulmonary harmonica is the first of its kind, designed to help improve breathing in people of all ages and musical...

KettleClamp Adjustable Kettlebell

Sold Out from Amazon »

Turn your dumbbell into an even worse implement of corporal torture: a kettlebell! The adjustable KettleClamp secures to any size/weight of dumbbell, expanding its functionality to include the Russians' favorite way to...

SmartMio Wearable Muscle Stimulator

$89 - $199 from SmartMio »

Getting ripped while sitting on my ass. It's the stuff dreams are made of. And, fingers crossed into a length of 550 paracord, the stuff SmartMio will be made of. SmartMio is a wearable muscle stimulator and app-based...

Kangoo Jumps Anti-Gravity Fitness Boots

$179 - $299 from Amazon »

Originally developed by a doctor for rehab patients with knee, hip, and back injuries, Kangoo Jump anti-gravity boots provide former runners with an option for continuing their cardiovascular torture of choice nearly...

Handmaster Hand Exerciser

$15.56 from Amazon »

It's not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a Handmaster, but I dig what this banded ball brand of Handmaster has to offer too. Strengthening both the gripping and the expanding muscles of the fingers...

Fat Gripz Arm Builders

$38.50 from Amazon »

Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

Elliptigo - Outdoor Elliptical Trainer

$1,799 - $3,499 from Elliptigo »

If you thought the future was incubating in the frames of Google Glass and laces of Marty McFly Nikes, then behold the offspring of the gym's dorkiest piece of cardio equipment and urbanity's most aggressive sharer of...

Zombie Bells

$42.95 - $169.95 from Onnit »

First it was the apes that got the swing and pood treatment. It was only natural, really. Now, fitness...dare I say maverick?...Onnit has designed another limited edition set of freakish kettlebells, this time giving...

Magnetic Dumbbells

Are you stronger than electromagnetism? O2 Magnetic Dumbbells, a pair of rings with embedded electromagnets, work in tandem to generate resistance as their ends repel, and challenge users to build muscle by fighting their...

Speed Chute - Resistance Training Parachute

$29.92 from Amazon »

What would be cool is if I could use SKLZ's Speed Chute to run from my mama's front entry vestibule, down the hall, through the living room, out the sliding doors, and off the back deck, and then float peacefully and...

Primal Bells

$42.95 - $149.95 from Onnit »

On the list of things that would really suck: 1) Finding your head on the receiving end of a 72-pound kettlebell with an incensed gorilla face carved into it; 2) Finding your head on the receiving end of a 500-pound incensed...

CrossBell Fitness System

$179.95 from CrossBell »

Often when I struggle to empty a cooler of mostly-melted ice, or lift a fat jug to my lips for a refreshing drink, or dump the vat of Gatorade on my friend Cornelius' head after he scores point 10 in Settlers of Catan...

Digital Cordless Jump Rope

Sold Out from Amazon »

Unlike a BLT without the bacon or a stripper without the boobies, a jump rope without the rope might actually be an improvement upon the original. First of all, a lot of people are good at jumping up and down (yes, I'm...

Bas Rutten O2 Trainer

$49.95 from Amazon »

Who wants to wheeze like a fat asthmatic chasing down the ice cream man? I do! I do! Temporarily anyway. MMA master and onetime UFC Heavyweight Champion Bas Rutten developed his O2 Trainer to build strength in a part...

SHAY Fitness Stool

Although I always say that one of my favorite things to do is sit on my ass, photographic evidence here suggests that Nina Havermans' SHAY work-out stool is going to necessitate my refinement and qualification of that...

Loopwheels - Integral Suspension Bike Wheels

$590 - $2,300 from loopwheels »

People out there lucky in the sense that they know how to ride a bike but unlucky in the sense that doing so jars their spines and brains and generates great discomfort in the crotchal region, say hello to Loopwheels....

The 100 MPH Bicycle

By: Donhou »

And by 100 MPH Bicycle, Donhou Cycles really means Bicycle That Has Peaked at 60 MPH on the Open Road but Could Theoretically Make It to 100. I'm not sure how that theory was developed. I think it's how fast frame builder...

ONDA Cycle

ONDA terms itself a recumbent stunt bike/trike that can also be used to commute to work. Commute to work? What am I, the imp from Game of Thrones? Cee Lo Green? I'm not willingly placing a 3-foot-high version of myself...

King of the Ring Fitness Arcade Game

Nexersys calls their King of the Ring arcade game a "virtual fighting ring" but one look at all those full-contact pads and the surrounding cage and I am 95% sure that I would sustain non-virtual injuries while using...

Paratrooper Tactical Mountain Bike

$899 from Montague »

Montague collaborated with DARPA to develop its Paratrooper, a high-speed, all-terrain tactical mountain bike that folds at the turn of a lever into a 3' x 3' pack in less than 30 seconds. Obviously, it was specked for...

Poweriser Extreme Sport Leg Extensions

$258 - $403 from Amazon »

Extreme sport leg extensions. I'll say. Maybe you could strap on a pair of Poweriser stilts and bound around like a bunny rabbit, leaping up to 6-1/2' in the air, taking 16' giant steps, and running 100m sprints without...

The $30,000 Lamborghini Bicycle

$32,505 from BMC Switzerland »

The 50th Anniversary Lamborghini Edition impec is the bike P. Diddy or Kanye West would buy if they took up cycling. Which is to say if they learned to ride a bicycle. Oh the comedy that would ensue the first time Puffy...

Treadmill Rock Wall

I feel like the Treadwall--a rock wall on a treadmill-style conveyor belt--might be the ultimate example of something that appears to be really easy, but in practice makes 80% of its users look like complete assholes....

Big-O Stunt Skates

Despite their being shaped like big Os, I'm not sure about Big-O as a name for these stunt skates. I'm pretty sure if I were to try them, the words "Big O" would not be at the forefront of my mind. I'd call mine Big I...

Kilo Glow-in-the-Dark Bike

$349.99 - $399.99 from Amazon »

Come on, Mom, please? It's a safety precaution. I mean, what's $400 when it could mean the difference between me cruising home fully visible and unscathed, or unseen and dumped at the ER with spokes impaling my leg and...

The Human Slingshot

Chest bumps, head butts, and sharp kicks to the shins unite! The Human Slingshot is here to bring new meaning to the lead-in, "Guess who I ran into the other day?" The human-sized stretchable band, 4 close friends (or...

SISU War Hammer

$125 from Rogue Fitness »

SISU! is the Finnish word for stubborn determination, and an appropriate moniker for a 28-pound War Hammer that has a predominantly fitness-based application, but could also wallop the ever loving Fuck You out of the...

The Stationary Epicycle

$9,650 - $10,795 from InboxFitness »

Monowheels, or monocycles--huge, single-track circus contraptions riders sit inside instead of on top of--have been around since the late 19th century, and were at one point proposed for use as a serious mode of transportation....

High Altitude Training Mask

Sold Out from Amazon »

The high altitudes of Nepal, Machu Picchu, and Denver may naturally administer pulmonary resistance that conditions human lungs, and improves athletic endurance, but who wants to spend the time and money to travel there?...