Dude's Top Products for April 2019
April 2019 was a month of fools, fancies, and filth around here. Ahhh, I hope you enjoy rehashing Dude's top products of April as much as I did.
Bulletproof Men's Underwear
Called Blast Shorts, these crotch guards are a genuine British military issue that secure over your precious C&B diaper-style, with an adjustable waist belt and plastic buckles. Kevlar inserts provide the ballistic protection that any dude wearing bulletproof underwear for a legit reason will surely hope he never gets asked to give a performance report on.
Like yourself some projectile style? Check out my list of unique bulletproof clothing and gear.
Capcom Home Arcade
SEGA Genesis Mini too small for your Thanos-sized hands? Good news! The Capcom Home Arcade is a full-sized - maybe even oversized - retro gaming console also coming your way this fall. Set to release on October 25, 2019, Capcom's capitalization on pop culture's nostalgia for 80s and 90s video games is almost 30" long, about the size of the synthesizer I also played in the 80s and 90s, and, in case you forget which game publisher you're going old school with, the Capcom Home Arcade is designed as a giant "CAPCOM" duotone logo.
Iglucraft Handcrafted Saunas & Cabins
I actually can't say this too often but yeah, I'm the Dude. And yeah, Iglucraft, I want that. Iglucraft handcrafted saunas and cabins are 1-person to family-sized outdoor retreats. The former is of a hot spa-like persuasion to soothe the body, and the latter a weekend - or backyard - getaway to ease the mind.
Iglucraft builds Igluhuts and Iglusaunas to suit various buyer needs and preferences, but all of them share their charming shingle siding and quaint domed shape.
Deconstructed Cargo Pants
Deconstructed Cargo Pants. Deconstructed, indeed. Like shorts with a whole train of dingleberries.
They look super handy and, um, comfortable, don't they? All those little pouches for ladies to stash their cards and keys, lipsticks and compacts, extra pacifiers and Cheerios. Not to mention a bevy of tactical loops for clipping on sunglasses, a phone charger and hair bands, a burp-up & boogie cloth. Mother's Day isn't so far off, dudes. Those who know they'll be looking for gifts for Mom can get a jump start through the Namilia online store, and turn Deconstructed Cargo Pants into the new Mom Jeans.
Self Defense UFC Ears
Live in a sketchy neighborhood? Getting bullied at school? UFC Ears are a simple and cheap self defense tool for people concerned for their personal safety in any location or environment.
The way UFC Ears work for self defense is that you slip the pair of latex prosthetics over your own ears, and then go about your normal business worry-free.
Because who the J-Lau is going to F with someone with cauliflower ears?!
Eat a D**k - Anonymously Mail a Chocolate Penis (NSFW)
It might be made of chocolate, but this penis is sized like a d**k. Shaped like a d**k. Textured like a d**k. It's even certified organic like a d**k! And it's all boxed and ready for you to send to someone you think deserves to eat a d**k. Anonymously, of course.
Tammock Freestanding Hammock-Tent
LIT Outdoors packs a tent and hammock into a portmanteau with their Tammock, an all-in-one camping shelter combining a freestanding hammock with a tent pitched around it. For those who prefer hovering off the ground and rocking themselves to dreamland when sleeping outdoors, a standalone hammock with a specially designed and shaped tent enveloping it eliminates a few factors that might mar the experience: bugs; bad weather; a lack of trees.
And bonus points to LIT Outdoors for making the whole Tammock setup look like a taco.
Flow Hives Langstroth-Style Cedar Beehive
B**ch is always gonna have your honey with a Flow Hive, because this Langstroth-style cedar beehive can be summed in 3 words: Honey. On. Tap.
Developed by a father-son beekeeping team, Flow Hives represent a decade of their work to create beehives with easier ways to harvest honey without harming the buzzing residents, or those collecting their sweet nectar. What was previously a week's worth of honey collection, many a crushed bee, and at least as many bee stings, is now as easy as pouring yourself a beer.
Charmin Forever Roll
I know what they say about diamonds, but Charmin, a toilet paper roll that's forever? Why...why...yes! I do!
At first I thought the Charmin Forever Roll was a leftover April Fool's joke because, I mean, while a 12" diameter roll of toilet paper would indeed be a stellar addition to the bathrooms of mankind, it seemed too giant and cumbersome to be true. Also, Forever can't really mean forever, can it?
Bella Dolls Sex Doll Brothel (NSFW)
That's right, a sex doll brothel. Owned by a husband and wife team, Bella Dolls currently operates out of Vancouver, BC, though if you're closer to the Kamloops, BC area, you can partake in House of Dolls, their sex doll rental service instead. Leave it to the Canadians. Must be something about their cold winters. Cold women? Insatiably horny and not particularly discerning men?
Firecracker Mini Double Action OTF Knives
Dude 1 wants to take it out back, Dude 2 flashes a Firecracker Mini out the front, and together they decide to buy each other a beer and just stay inside. Firecracker Mini Double Action OTF Knives: Creating Spontaneous Peace Wherever They Go.
Nah, probably not, but it could make a good ad campaign.
Firecracker Mini D/A OTF models are all of 5-1/4" long when open, and have slim handles, plus a cutout on one corner for easy adding to your keyring.
Golden Boy Pool Float
Who wants a ride on the Golden Boy? Don't worry, when you put your lips to this pool float's inflation nozzle you'll see it swells to a formidable 79 inches long (holy crap, Ron Jeremy!) with an extra thick construction and the stamina to carry you, plus a coupla friends if they're up for it, on top all summer long.
Goose, Wingman of the Road Motorcycle Tent
Here's hoping Wingman of the Road's Goose doesn't bite it, leaving you despondent and questioning your need, your need for speed, at the peak of your story arc. More than a simple motorcycle tent, Goose is all-in-one camping system designed to pack down behind you as you ride, and then set up integrated with your bike, turning it into the tent's wingman, when you decide it's time to crash.
Er, not that kind of crash.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Pool Float
In a strange cinematic and evolutionary twist, the next Jurassic Park sequel will feature a water-faring T-Rex whose genetically modified donut center will keep him afloat, but whose unmodified arms will prevent him from swimming any faster than the slowest member of a seniors water aerobics class. They'll call it a built-in safety feature for the humans!
Also, if you can manage to jump into or rise up from under the dinosaur dead-donut-center, he'll let you ride him!
Approach from the front, sides, or back, or miss the target though and, as per usual, he'll eat you.