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Marshmallow Crossbow

By: on June 26, 2016
Marshmallow Crossbow

Mr. Stay Puft's got nothing on my Mallow Bow. Sure, he can stomp on people, toss cars, and tear down buildings, but I can dole out cavities, high blood sugar, and toothaches. Straight to the kisser from 60' away!

The MMX Marshmallow Crossbow is a handcrafted firing mechanism designed to shoot "fresh slightly dry regular sized marshmallows." Yes, that's right. Now you have a bitchin' application for that bag that went stale after you passed out from too much whiskey 'n' S'mores before sealing it back up. Mallow Bows are made from natural materials in Vancouver, BC (so the listed price is probably in Canadian dollars, which, at printing, was about $61 USD.)

Each slinger has body shaped from a single block of solid Douglas fir covered in multiple coats of clear Varathane to protect the wood from moisture and wear, plus make it easy to clean. Marshmallow Crossbow bow assembly consists of a hand-cut aluminum flat bar, with an added curve for aesthetics and effective unit functioning. An elastic rubber shock cord supplies the energy needed to propel marshmallows the stated 60' distance. A "Mallow-Chute" carved into a flute profile to match that of a standard sized marshmallow serves as the projectile's barrel, while a height-adjustable "Mallow Holder" made from 5052 aluminum sheet stock holds the ping! treat in place. Finally, the crossbow's advanced trigger assembly is made from a solid piece of black walnut and a length of aluminum rod that connects to the trigger with a coated steel cotter pin.

Marshmallow Crossbows arrive fully assembled, except for the attachment of the bow. You'll need a Phillips screwdriver to take care of that.

"Cornelius, my friend, you have two choices: 1) face me and open wide; or 2) flip me the bird and live the rest of the day in fear of getting plink!ed in the back of the head."