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Kneading Shiatsu Back Massager

By: on April 06, 2017
$109.99
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I've said it before, but inviting a mesh pillow shiatsu back massager (with heat!) into my home has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. Definitely better than letting in that dude who claimed to be my half brother. I always wanted a brother....

I own this muscle-manhandling feat of engineering. The smaller version of the one I wish I had, and the one you see here: the Naipo 3D Kneading Shiatsu Back Massager.

Also with an optional heat function, the Naipo massager is long enough to knead up and down your entire back or, should you choose to let it wander elsewhere, your neck, shoulders, legs, and ass. Yeah, I have definitely sat on my shiatsu balls. They're amazingly hardy, and just keep dig, dig, digging under the pressure. To mix things up, the 12 nodes alternate moving in a clockwise and then a counterclockwise motion every minute. Once you fire them up a timer starts and the massager auto-shuts itself off after 15 minutes. In case you fall asleep or get sucked into a black hole of pleasure and lose your place in reality. Which you will.

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MYO Telekinetic Armband

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Well, telekinetic is only part of the story. Is telemusculokinetic a word too? Maybe that's redundant. Remote control muscles? Yeah, let's go with RC muscles. MYO armbands transform muscles--specifically the arm, or as...

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Neck Carriage Titanium Palm Cap Stick

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Ti Rod Tactical's Titanium Palm Cap Stick might be the most strangely versatile piece of EDC you can hang around your neck. The 5" long x 0.44" in diameter piece is made of an aerospace grade 5 titanium rod, surrounded...

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Waves MFS Physio-Tactical Pocket Stick

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Designer Rainer Wenning calls his Waves MFS a "physio-tactical" palm stick, which might be the best bit of pretentious, made-up terminology I've ever heard. Because what "physio-tactical" basically means is that after...

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Axon Fitness Stick with Light Feedback

$199 - $249 from Axon »

The Axon fitness stick, a strength tracker and trainer with LED light feedback, takes me back to my youth. To Happy Joe's Pizza Parlor & Arcade, home of a Love Tester machine? Remember that one? Squeeze the handle as...

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TheraGun Muscle Massager

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The TheraGun muscle massager might be the non-human massager to end all massagers. In fact, I'd bet a crisp Abe Lincoln it could give most human proffesionals a run for their money too. Tension and pain relief, increased...

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Muscle-Enhancing Shirt

$48.50 from FunkyBod »

Money can squeeze the fat in, and now money can carve the muscle out. Which means there are exactly 0 reasons left for me to exercise. What? Avoiding heart disease and diabetes? Psshhh! Preventable, life-threatening afflictions...

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Fat Gripz Arm Builders

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Obviously the best thing to do if you want to be as strong and jacked as humanly possible is take a lot of steroids. But since steroids are expensive and mostly illegal and might make you talk like Mickey Mouse, an alternative...

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Mysseuse Self-Massager & Towel Holder

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I've makeshift Mysseuse-d myself on the corner of a wall or door more times than I can count. And self-massages with devices like the Shiatsu Pillow and doohickies like the Beastie Bar have become pretty popular for kneading...

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Naked 3D Fitness Scanner

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All you metric-driven, body-conscious visual learners out there, it's time to get Naked. And anyone else intrigued by the idea of using regular 3D body scans to track health and fitness, you might want to give this full-length...

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Qore Performance Hydration Shirt

$143.91 - $179 from Amazon »

What I would like Qore's Hydration Shirt to do is osmosis water through my skin from tiny little reservoirs housed in its bicep, triceps, shoulders, and abs--sized and shaped to looked like the ripped results of my own...

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DoubleFlex Black Total Body Portable Gym

$124 - $176 from OYO Fitness »

Like me, DoubleFlex Black creators, OYO Fitness, always wondered how NASA astronauts stay fit on the International Space Station. (No word on whether or not they also, like me, wondered how the astronauts vote and poop.)...

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Sit & Decompress - The Ultimate Back Stretcher

$49.99 - $74.99 from Amazon »

Sex swing for your health! Naw, it's not a sex swing. I mean not officially. What you use it for is entirely up to you though. What Sit & Decompress developed their dangling doorway harness for is your spine. They call...