If all you've got is $25, I'll make giving your boyfriend the perfect gift for Valentine's day real easy for you: 6-pack of beer; 6-pack of street tacos; and you. Naked, obviously. Wrap it all up in a bow, lay it at his feet - or better, or across the kitchen counter - and let the romance begin.
No? Not your thing? Fine, here are some alternative Valentine's Day gift ideas for the bf. Most are pretty thoughtful, many are still sexy, and all rein in the dollars to less than $25.
Unless you want to go Beef Jerky Flower Bouquet big this year. That will set you back around $70.
Note: Valentine's Day gift prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Back Alley Hooker Love Card
Despite what Whitney sang, we all know she didn't really find the greatest love of all inside of her, she found it in crack. And if you really, really love your boyfriend, there's no better way to communicate your sentiments than with
crack a card comparing your love to another's love of crack.
Willy Care Kit
A grooming kit for any many who has a willy (sorry, Varas), Willy Care says they'll provide all the tools he needs for a "quick spit and polish." (I wonder if it's as quick as the other kind of spit and polish my willy enjoys.) These tools include:
- A fluffing brush
- A sprucing mirror
- Styling shears
- And, to show off all that hard work, an evening wear willy chain.
Alright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my dick pic!
3D Wolf Crotch Underwear
One of the 3 wolves howling at the moon on his T-shirt decided to break from the pack, and lookee where he ended up. I think this positioning works out better for everyone. The wolf gets some privacy, and your boyfriend gets an accurate representation of what lies beneath his cotton-spandex blend snout.
Go F*ck! - Go Fish for Adults
Go F*ck follows the same protocols as Go Fish; try to get 4 (sex positions) of a kind, go round-robbin asking if anyone has a Pearl Diving or Saddled Swan, and at the end of play, turn your collected cards into the rest of the evening's entertainment.
1 Gallon Stainless Steel Flask
A fine gift on its own, but if you want to win Valentine's Day, give this bad boy to your bad boy full of his favorite whiskey.
A one gallon flask, that's 4 quarts, 8 pints, 16 cups of liquor-holding capacity. Capped off with a brushed finish. Elegant, cylindrical curves angling into a screw-down cap almost half the width of your entire mouth. Ooh, it even comes in a gift box.
The Star Wars Kama Sutra
Now here's a nifty way to put fanboy-friends in the mood. SN Herder has thought a lot about the Force awakening. So much that his mind went...there. First the gutter, and then the toy bin. Herder says he made The Extremely Unofficial and Highly Unauthorized Star Wars Kama Sutra for "Star Wars fans with a slightly twisted sense of humor."
As the book's cover suggests, the Star Wars Kama Sutra is largely a photographic compilation of Star Wars action figures getting down and dirty in ancient Hindu (plus some brand new, physically unachievable 21st century) sex positions. Herder has given all of the Star Wars action figures he's personally collected over the years--even Jar Jar Binks--a role in his explicit acts and roleplaying games. Each scene is titled, with choice selections ranging from "Luke Warm" and "The XXX Wing" to "Han Shot First" and "Two Girls, One Cup...of Bantha Milk." Herder wraps up his tribute with some Star Wars Kama Sutra haikus.
X-Rated Fortune Cookies
With gems such as, "If you think you feel good, wait 'til you feel me," and "Tight butts drive me nuts," the X-Rated descriptor on this set of fortune cookies may be an exaggeration, but maybe even more crowd-pleasing are the serving suggestions on the back of the cookies' box. Apparently, they're the perfect complement to dishes ranging from Cum Tu Soon and Cream of Sum Yong Guy to Wai Tu Yung and Toung Sum Chick.
The Ball Lifter
Giant Microbes Heart Warming Gift Box
Giant Microbes are fuzzy, colorful plush toys shaped like biological phenomena associate with lots of looooove. Or just lots of hot sex. The cuddly nasties range from Kissing Disease and Penicillin to Sperm Cell and Egg Cell. The Heart Warming collection is packed with 5 sweet embroidered plushes for the science-minded guy in your life.
Kkika Rotating Acupressure Slippers
Tell him from this day forward, he can have a foot massage Whenever. He. Wants.
Kkika's Rotating Acupressure Slippers are designed to take the place of needles, fingers, and elbows in the treatment of meridian line blockage in the feet. Kkika says wearing them provides a deep foot massage that is good for circulation, and can help reduce pain associated with leg cramps, arthritis, back pain, and headaches. They also say wearing the slippers hurts like a mother. Nearly 100% of firsthand reviewers agree.
So tell him to start out slowly to get used to the shoes, working from a couple minutes up to 10 minutes a session. Kkika points out the level of discomfort wearers feel initially is typically directly proportional to how much they need the treatment. Once feet acclimate to 10+ minutes of wear, they should be able to wear the slippers for hours.
Rabbit Chrome Chilling Stones
Hmmm. These aren't the Rabbits I've heard of. The Rabbits I've heard of do not insert into glasses, and in fact deal in the complete opposite of making things cold. I guess Rabbits are multi-faceted.
But if you get a set of these drink chilling stones for your dude for V-Day, perhaps good rabbit karma will send the other kind of Rabbit your way during the gift exchange.
Shine 24K Gold Rolling Papers
In what looks to be a groundbreaking collaboration between 50 Cent and Leisure Suit Larry, 24K Gold rolling papers aim to lavish even more luxury and class onto the process of getting high, polishing off a 16" Meat Lovers deep dish solo, and taking a 90-minute snooze on the floor with my buddy's Australian cattle dog at 3 in the afternoon. Shine puts in best when they say, "24K Gold creates the ultimate party atmosphere."
Author Master Sugoi has also achieved respected paper artist status flipping and creasing classical figures, animals, and geometric designs, but Pornogami ranks as his most innovative work, and has obviously enjoyed the most sales. By about 1,000,000:1, I'd guess. Here's what the publisher has to say about Sugoi's decision to go the Red Light District route: "A piece of pornogami folded in the right setting, he discovered, can produce smiles and laughter in a way that no butterfly or bird ever could."
I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say I think an origami vagina is funnier than an origami bird, but an origami vagina is definitely closer to a real vagina than an origami bird so, yeah, I'd probably be more inclined to smile at it.
Sure F**k Cologne
Sure Fuck USA and the Sure Fuck Science Team have cooked up and calibrated a scent for one express and guaranteed purpose: to get him f...ragrant.
The cologne has a a self-described "cool fresh manly scent that thrusts women into a crazy hot SEXUAL FRENZY!" Whoa. That's specific. SF USA even put "sexual frenzy" in all caps like it is when I think it over and over in my head every time I walk into a hot yoga class or froyo store. I imagine the keys to this prowess are the eau de parfum's nose tinglers: top notes of Italian lemon and Tuscan mandarin, mixed with moist green ferns and a pinch of pink pepper; a heart of lavender, warm coriander, and Neroli orange-flower; and a finish of cedar, sandalwood, and amber.
Naughty People Outlet Stickers
These naughty people. Doing doggy style on an electrical outlet. Didn't their mamas teach them anything? Dude better keep his finger out of his lady's mouth (and eyes if they're into that sort of thing) or this love session is going to F them so hard and so hot it'll fry their brains.
Giant Blow Pop
It's what he really wants, only in the form of a hard candy shell with bubble gum center, instead of a pair of soft candy lips with strong suction center.