The Weirdest Men's Grooming Products That Actually Work
Let's be clear: these so-called "weirdest men's grooming products" wouldn't make a single lady flinch. They could never touch the bizarre and freakish tinctures and tools women use to groom and beautify themselves (see: Pinky Queen nipple lightener [NSFW].) But for men, this collection of beard and mustache, face and foot, and hair up top, and hair down there products are...a little different. In a good way.
Well. Depending on your definition of "good."
Here are my picks for the weirdest men's grooming products that actually work.
Note: Grooming product prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.
Morninghead: Man's 5-Second Hairstylist
Entrepreneur Max Valvarde's Morninghead stylist is a cap lined with a proprietary, super-absorbent cloth material that drinks up a few ounces of water, and distributes them evenly across its surface. Users can then put on the Morninghead like a shower cap, scrunch the water through their hair, and easily ready tresses for smoothing. No more sopping wet follicles, no more water oozing down your face and onto your clothes, and no more bending over and risking a concussion. It's like a ShamWow! for your head.
Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay
Indian healing clays aren't anywhere near new, but they might be new to your radar, as they were to mine. They're centuries-old beauty solutions for fighting acne and assuaging skin irritations. Supposedly, similar bentonite clays were used by Cleopatra, ancient Roman spas, and people from France, such as the priest Kneipp and the Conehead Beldar. This particular brand hails from the prolific Aztec population living in...uh, California's Death Valley...and is sun-dried for up to 6 months to turn it into the powdered form that gets packaged for use in facials, body wraps, clay baths, foot soaks, insect bite and poison ivy treatments, and chilled clay muscle recovery packs.
Fisticuffs MoGuard Mustache Drink Guard
The mustache guard isn't so much active grooming as it is preventative maintenance. It's like an umbrella for your face. The best dam invention for keeping your whiskers dry.
Sie the MoGuard over a pint of beer (or milk, or triple mocha with extra whipped cream) and prevent the liquid's foamy head from sticking to your 'stache. This shielder of lip hair can also slip over glasses containing non-foamified drinks, such as Old Fashioneds and Grape Fanta, just to help keep follicles clean and dry.
Elephant Ear Earwax Remover
Elephant Ear, which looks like a bottle of Windex with a hose for a spout...oh wait, it's a trunk! Ha! I figured it was called Elephant Ear just because it's for people with elephantine quantities of wax clogging their canals, but this makes the name doubly awesome!
So the Elephant Ear bottle system has a trunk that inserts into the opening of a waxy ear and then guides the flow of a peroxide and warm water solution into it. Users should tilt the ear getting ear-igated towards their shoulder and hold, or have their friend Cornelius hold, some sort of catch basin underneath the earlobe to catch the water that will trickle out. As the bottle empties, it will draw up wax deposits and drive them out of the ear as well.
BaKblade 2.0 Back Shaver
The BaKblade 2.0 is an update of the original, with a curved, more ergonomic handle, and flexible razor design. Razors themselves are made specifically for shaving back hair, so a little less aggressive since those follicles tend to be a lot less coarse than the ones on your face.
BaKblade compares shaving with a 2.0 to using a back scratching tool - hold it with the teeth facing your skin and drag it lightly across the overgrown areas. There should be no pulling or discomfort, and no stubble left behind.
Not so much weird as...interesting. Goodworth & Co. brings us an ornate and gentlemanly embossed brass comb for keeping our locks and beard tidy. And also a - surprise! - hidden knife, equally ornate and gentlemanly, for keeping the rest of our business tidy.
Willy Care Kit
Alright, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my dick pic!
Willy Care says their down-there grooming kit provides all the tools you need for a "quick spit and polish." (I wonder if it's as quick as the other kind of spit and polish my willy enjoys.) These tools include:
- A fluffing brush
- A sprucing mirror
- Styling shears
- And, to show off all that hard work, an evening wear willy chain.
Bushbalm Pubic Hair Oils
Bushbalm is for the men who know that if they really want a little less conversation, a little more action please they must devote the same care to the areas surrounding their doer that they do to those surrounding their sayer.
Bushbalm softens, scents, and spruces up pubic hair with natural oils and fragrances subtle, classic, or exotic. It can also help prevent and soothe ingrown hairs, reducing redness and irritation with the use of Jojoba and Tea Tree oils. And! Bushbalm is unisex, so ladies, you can use the mixture on your glorious crotch 'fros too. And! Both men and women who go for the Brazilian bare look will find the same Bushbalm properties that keep their nether regions clean and chill when grown out work just as well on a frictionless and follicle-free surface.
Groomarang Beard Styling & Shaping Template
The Groomarang always returns...to the basics of good shaving and haircare practices. Tangle-free beards and mustaches. Crisp shaves. Clean neck lines. The curved comb serves as a shaving / clipping template for precise, symmetrical neck, cheek, and jaw lines, plus helps shape perfectly coifed goatees.
Menaji CAMO Concealer for Men
Dudes, Menaji's CAMO Concealer for men will cover zits, dark under-eye circles, razor bumps, scars, and age spots to make you look like a pretty pony. With a side of fragrance-free so you won't smell like a pretty pony who's been nosing through his girlfriend's makeup drawer.
CAMO Concealer comes in 6 skin tone colors to match a full spectrum of male complexions, and stores in a lip balm-sized stick applicator in case you want to take it with you for post-makeout or post-nervous sweat touchups.
Baby Foot Human Molting Peel
I don't know what medieval witch magic Baby Foot puts in their Exfoliant Foot Peel to produce the skin-molting effects you see before you but, even though it would make perfect sense here, I promise you it's not snake oil. Have a look at the ingredient list yourself. My girlfriend says two near the top, lactic acid and glycolic acid, usually show up in her face peels, but...damn. If her face peeled off like that I'd tell her to go back to Jaqen.
Whatever Baby Foot brews in their solution that, 5 to 7 days after you apply it, makes all the dead skin on your feet peel off in sheets, it's no joke. There are literally thousands of reviews of this foot beautifier, from all kinds of men and women, and dozens of customer photos showing sickly fascinating individual results.
I also...uh...did my due diligence...and tried it myself. And all I can say is, happy picking!