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The Best Safes & Stash Jars

Posted: May 08, 2018
The Best Safes & Stash Jars

Whether you lock it up, tuck it away, or hide it in plain sight, it's better to be safe than sorry. And it's a better safe that's going to protect you from the sorry. I'll grant, some of the best safes and stash jars for your valuables are going to cost you. Impenetrable steel and biometrics don't come cheap.

But some of my lock box selections opt for wit over muscle, mettle over metal. They're clever hideaways, sometimes with no lock at all, that either no one would ever guess contains your cash / rings / gun / weed, or that no one would want to touch even if they had an inkling there might be loot inside.

One stash jar selection is even intended to protect your stuff from your own grubby hands.

Here are my picks for the best safes and stash jars.

Note: Safe and stash container prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.

BedBunker Safes

BedBunker Safes

BedBunkers provide comprehensive hidden protection for valuables, particularly firearms and family jewels. But I bet people with a lot of weed, and people with a lot of mint condition Transformers will like them too. Safes are available in sizes Twin through California King, as well as Queen and King conversion kits that allow the single, Twin-sized safe to adapt to fit larger mattresses.

Queen safes (double bins) constitute 1,300 pounds of 10-gauge steel fitted with 1/4" thick, 140-pound steel-hinged doors. They measure 78" x 60" x 14" total. All BedBunkers are guaranteed for life.

$3,200 to $10,800 ➠ BedBunker

SentrySafe Quick Access Biometric Pistol Safe

SentrySafe Quick Access Biometric Pistol Safe

SentrySafe is listed as "Amazon's Choice" of biometric handgun safe. Maybe because it opens lickety split to deliver you your package just like they do.

SentrySafe's biometric guardian holds one standard pistol, accessible via biometric lock with fingerprint scanner. The safe also enables quick, quiet entry, built with a compression gas strut that opens the door silently, and then holds it open for single-handed access.

$150 ➠ Amazon

The Gun Box Echo RFID Safe

The Gun Box Echo RFID Safe

Gun Box has determined that your hand is the only thing that should stand between you and your gun. This weapons safe opens exclusively in response to your fingerprints or an RFID chip, included as a keycard and keychain fob with purchase.

The Gun box also has an audible motion and tamper alarm that blares a loud siren if it's bumped or moved.

$180 ➠ Amazon

BARSKA Biometric Safe

BARSKA Biometric Safe

It's pretty simple: your valuables; your safe; your fingerprint. BARSKA's biometric guardian of cash, firearms, last wills and testaments, and treasures you stole from Smaug allows keyless access only to those with the correct genetic code. A fingerprint pad on the safe door recognizes up to 30 different prints, and unlocks instantly when a cleared finger is scanned.

In addition, if one day you get tricked into putting on a Thorns In glove and lose access to...or succumb to ripping off...your fingerprint, the BARSKA safe also comes with 2 backup keys for non-biometric access.

$176 ➠ Amazon

Air Vent Hidden Safe with RFID Lock

Air Vent Hidden Safe with RFID Lock

Tough tamales if you're looking for air circulation this summer, but here at least your cash, Glock, and Chewbacca bandolier signed by all passengers of the Millennium Falcon will be hidden away and protected. It's Quick Safe's air vent compartment, and in addition to thwarting would-be thieves with its simple HVAC disguise, the safe is also equipped with Radio Frequency ID technology. That means, unlike other covert hideaways that take the form of standard shaving cream cans, only your included RFID card hovered over the vent sensor at the top center of the grille will grant access to it.

$220 ➠ Amazon

Concealed Storage Mirror

Concealed Storage Mirror

Ladies, no mirror will dare say Snow White is the fairest of them all when it catches wind of what you're ready to pull out from behind its glass. This 60" wall-mounted red herring conceals a full-length storage cabinet for stowing anything from fine jewelry to wads of cash to the shotgun loaded and ready to set Mirror, Mirror straight on a couple of things.

$480 ➠ Amazon

Console Vaults

Console Vaults
Console Vaults

You're 10 minutes away from 12-gauge cold rolled plate steel. Console Vault makes truck / SUV console safes that slide in and secure to factory console bolts in an easy 10 minutes. Welded tab and notch seams, a 3-point, pry-resistant locking system, and rear locking pins just like those used on bank vault doors add to the impenetrability of the safes' hardy steel composition. Once your valuables are inside, parking lot window smashers and punk kids from the neighborhood aren't getting jack back out.

No matter how many Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers Jack promises them.

$280 to $300 ➠ Amazon

FoxxVault Smart License Plate Storage Safe

FoxxVault Smart License Plate Storage Safe

The FoxxVault looks like a standard license plate frame until you get up close enough to see the keypad running down its side. From here, or via an accompanying FoxxVault app, you'll be able to flip your frame open to reveal the vault inside. It's a 1" x 7" x 3.75" storage cubby for your keys and wallet (say, if you're going hiking or running) or a place to stash a spare vehicle / house key and, like, other stuff you don't want anyone to find.

Beyond a vault for valuables, the FoxxVault frame is also equipped with SMART - Sensors, Monitors, Accelerometers, and Reporting Technologies. So it will work with keyless ignitions and smart keys, plus provide spare key surveillance, tamper detection, accident notification, remote access sharing, and location tracking via the app.

$150 ➠ FoxxVault

The Fortress Luxury Safe

The Fortress Luxury Safe

I sure hope German safe manufacturer Doettling's Fortress lives up to its "safest luxury safe in the world" claims because there's no way any owner of one is going to be able to keep it hidden, discreet, or installed as anything but the centerpiece of his room. Maybe his whole life. Then again, any dude who can afford to spend 3 times the entirety of my net worth on a safe that will store just a portion of his own probably has a lot more going for him than the Fortress. I'd like to see the rest of his house. And his car. And his wife. And his girlfriends.

$128,800 ➠ Doettling

Monster Vault Under-the-Bed Safe

Monster Vault Under-the-Bed Safe
Monster Vault Under-the-Bed Safe

Why does a monster under the bed have to be scary or out to get you? Why can't it be there to keep you safe. Or, in the case of the Monster Vault, to be a safe? The Monster Vault is a slim under-the-bed safe for storing jewelry, cash, and other valuables, and securing firearms.

The watchful eyes of the Monster Vault front a 3 cubic foot capacity drawer that slides open when unlocked, leaving the rest of the 140-pound safe in place under your bed (or in the trunk of your SUV.) The lock is a digital combination model you can program with a 3- to 8-digit code.

$695 ➠ Amazon

FlexSafe Packable Travel Vault

FlexSafe Packable Travel Vault

The FlexSafe has a universal locking flap that slings and secures over beach furniture, bikes, strollers, golf carts, whatever you got that's strong enough to support a hanging bag, and is itself not so susceptible to being snatched and hauled off. FlexSafes are made of slash- and water-resistant nylon that folds up to the size of a softball when not in use. Their combination locks are user-programmable.

$60 ➠ Amazon

The Spy Bolt

The Spy Bolt

Given that I've only ever been called handy that one time when my mama walked in on me while I was...when she should have knocked, my personal possession of the Spy Bolt would probably raise more suspicions than if I just kept my birthday money from Grandma and purple haze nuggets in a shoe box. However, those of you who have had occasion to screw in bolts or use any tool whatsoever, might enjoy this authentic, super secret way to hide that which is precious and private.

Made from real 3/4" and 1" machine bolts, Spy Bolts are a take on the old KGB "dead drop" hollow bolt the Soviets used during the Cold War. They have an O-ring seal to block moisture and water infiltration, plus reverse threading on the head for additional security.

$24 ➠ Amazon

CashStash Waterproof Emergency Cash Capsule

CashStash Waterproof Emergency Cash Capsule

A backup $20. A lucky $2 bill. An extra hundo juuust in case you're too drunk to realize she's going to charge you for those services. The True Utility CashStash is a waterproof capsule sized to fit a keyring and hold a single bill. Its contents can serve as anything from an In Case Of savior to an everyday financial security blanket, giving those who carry it the peace of mind that they still have a dollar to their name.

$13.25 ➠ Amazon

The Brief Safe

The Brief Safe

Uh, those are gross. And while I know gross is the fundamental point of a poo-stained pair of briefs with a hidden, Velcro-sealed compartment in the fly...dude...those are gross. And it gets worse: according to The Brief Safe's manufacturer, their untidy tighty whities also contain an "authentic formula" that outputs a scent to further deter thieves from swiping their contents.

Yes, that's right. Aromatic for further thief determent.

$15 ➠ Amazon

The Privacy Pillow

The Privacy Pillow

Sure the Privacy Pillow can store your cash, jewelry, and passports. Orrrr it can store other types of valuables. Types of which you may find yourself in sudden and instant need while you're in bed. Like weed. Or Darth Vader and bacon condoms. Or toys you wouldn't necessarily classify as "action figures." Though in some senses you definitely could....

A standard-sized bed pillow with a secret side compartment, the Privacy Pillow safely stashes all precious and private items, ensuring any nighttime prying eyes or wandering hands won't get to them without going through you, and maybe your very sharp teeth, first.

$36 ➠ Amazon

The Kitchen Safe - Time-Lock Vice Guard

The Kitchen Safe - Time-Lock Vice Guard

To protect you from yourself. Kitchen Safe creator David Krippendorf made the timed lock box first to help himself resist caving to unhealthy snack cravings. Usage of the 3-1/2-quart denier of access soon evolved into housing TV and video game controllers, cigarettes and liquor, even overused credit cards.

For those truly suffering from compromised willpower, the Kitchen Safe David Krippendorf has to offer you might be borderline genius. Give it a year, though, and the name David Krippendorf might also be the newest addition to your repertoire of expletives.

David Krippendorf, I want my cookies!

I swear to David Krippendorf if I don't get one puff of a cig someone is going to get hurt!

Hey! Stay in your own lane, you David Krippendorf!

$55 ➠ Amazon
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