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Sexy Gifts for that Special Someone (NSFW)

Posted: December 04, 2019
Sexy Gifts for that Special Someone (NSFW)

Some gifts are best left to Santa. But sexy gifts, especially sexy gifts for that someone special, those gifts are Baby Jesus territory all the way.

I joke! I joke!

Like any of us could compete with the BJ in a gift-giving competition. (I'll let you read into that double entendre however you want.)

Alright, enough pussy-footin' around, you have places to be, special someones to see, and sexy gifts to buy to make all their holiday wishes come true. Here are my picks for the sexiest sexy gifts for that special someone in your life.

Gift prices are listed as they were at printing. Prices are subject to change.

For Anyone with Boobies!: LED Pasties

For Anyone with Boobies!: LED Pasties

LED pasties glow so bright you can even see them through a T-shirt! So demure ladies - and, ahem, men - can still don a pair without exposing the Breasterson twins!

Though inspired by music festivals and raves, Sasswear's Light Up Pasties shouldn't be pigeon holed to these non-everyday events. After all, strobing pink stars can accent a tight white V-neck on the bus just as effectively as they can a Kaskade show.

Light Up Pasties use hypo-allergenic, reusable adhesive so no extra tape or glue is necessary to apply them, and removal is probably around 25 times easier than the One-Handed Bra Unclasp.

$29.99 ➠ Amazon

For the Happy, Horny Couple: Sure Fuck Cologne & Fuck Me Perfume

For the Happy, Horny Couple: Sure Fuck Cologne & Fck Me Perfume

Sure Fuck USA and the Sure Fuck Science Team have cooked up and calibrated a duo of scents - Sure Fuck Cologne and Fuck Me Perfume - for one express and guaranteed purpose: to get you f...ragrant. Sure Fuck Cologne and Fuck Me Perfume are your spray-on means to an end. Because if you want to take a spontaneous roll in the hay this weekend, you can't be leaving your house smelling like the damn hay.

$31.25 to $32.98 ➠ Amazon

For the Fiance or Fiancee: Love is Art - Roll in the Hay Paint Kit

For the Fiance or Fiancee: Love is Art - Roll in the Hay Paint Kit
For the Fiance or Fiancee: Love is Art - Roll in the Hay Paint Kit

Actually it's more like a Roll in the Canvas Paint Kit. Love Is Art creator Jeremy Brown "has been making paintings during intimacy for over a decade," and now offers you and your favorite companion(s?) a kit with all the tools you'll need to express and preserve your love (brief period of mighty fine lust?) in the same way.

Forget dexterity with a brush or Sex Paint by Numbers. Love Is Art pieces are abstract statements of love. The sets include a large plastic sheet couples lay out on a flat surface, and top with a specially treated non-allergenic white cotton canvas. A 4-ounce bottle of black, non-toxic, washable paint dotted or streaked on the canvas, and then spread about in the most delightful of ways creates your finished metaphysical masterpiece. No skills...uh...no painting skills required.

$60 ➠ Amazon

For the Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Not Vanilla Club - Adult Toy Subscription Box

For the Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Not Vanilla Club - Adult Toy Subscription Box
For the Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Not Vanilla Club - Adult Toy Subscription Box

I don't think it's by chance that all of Not Vanilla Club's adult product subscription plans cost some amount of dollars and 69 cents. A ssssssexy price for a ssssssexy service.

A new candidate for my list of the Best Monthly Subscription Boxes for Guys, Not Vanilla Club brings adult toys and other sex-centric items to the trend of mailed mystery swag. Membership options are available for monthly, Bi-(curious?)-monthly, and one-(jack?)-off deliveries, and new members will fill out a questionnaire of preferences at the time of order to help Not Vanilla Club determine how tame or kinky they want them to go with their hand-picked helpers.

Starting at $24.69/Month ➠ Not Vanilla Club

For the Music Lover: Streaming Sex Playlists

For the Music Lovers: Streaming Sex Playlists
For the Music Lovers: Streaming Sex Playlists

And oh boy does Amazon have a ton of them!

Free with Prime, Cheap without It ➠ Amazon

For the Adventurous Partner: Sex Positions You Never Thought Possible

For the Adventurous Partner: Sex Positions You Never Thought Possible
For the Adventurous Partner: Sex Positions You Never Thought Possible

Sex Positions You Never Thought Possible is published by the creators of the Liberator Wedge, a line of pillowy ramps, blocks, ovals, and semicircles that establish and maintain various body positions and angles, with the goal of intensifying pleasure during coitus.

But while the book uses the Wedge in its photographic journey through Sex Positions, written descriptions also provide directions for achieving the same effects with pillows and cushions, so even if you're not a Liberator owner, you can still learn the "secrets of angles and inclinations for the deepest, most orgasmic sex ever."

$11.50 to $30 ➠ Amazon

For the Lady Who Knows What She Wants: Oral Me Thong Underwear

For the Lusty Lady: Oral Me Thong Underwear

This isn't the first time a thong has been compared to dental floss. But with the Oral Me thong underwear, ladies might be more inclined to accept, maybe even champion, the connection. Because here it's not about some shrew reprimanding them for wearing no more than a piece of dental floss between their butt cheeks, but about the ladies themselves suggesting willing participants make like a piece of dental floss and starting cleaning between their...uh...other butt cheeks. The ones in the front.

$12.99 ➠ Amazon

For the New Girlfriend: Silk Bathrobe

For the New Girlfriend: Silk Bathrobe
For the New Girlfriend: Silk Bathrobe

You want to get her something nice and sexy, but you're not quite at the crotchless panties and nipple clamps stage of your relationship yet. Or, uh, maybe she's just not that kind of girl.

These silky Charmeuse bathrobes are a nice compromise - purdy, sensual, and revealing enough to give you the pants feels without crossing into the territory of tasteless and crass.

$110 ➠ Amazon

For the Good-Humored Guy or Gal: Fundies Underwear Built for Two

For the Good-Humored Guy or Gal: Fundies Underwear Built for Two
For the Good-Humored Guy or Gal: Fundies Underwear Built for Two

According to every woman's favorite book, The Five Love Languages, physical touch is the predominant type of love males enjoy receiving, while quality time earns high marks with the ladies. Fundies, a chic pair of tandem tighty whiteys, make it simple for couples to give one another what they need. Just slip them on for both perpetual skin-to-skin contact, and instant elimination of alone time. Everyone's happy, and no one has to "talk about it" or "compromise." Fundies are recommended by 4 out of 5 therapists, and 5 out of 5 fans of the missionary position.

$8.99 to $9.83 ➠ Amazon

For the Water Lover: A Waterfall & Massage Shower Panel

For the Water Lover: Waterfall & Massage Shower Panel

Ever heard anyone say, It's not the dress, it's the girl in the dress? I feel the same basically goes for showers - it's not the shower, it's the girl in the shower. However, AKDY's shower panel might be an exception, the shower that's enough just being a shower. It has both a gentle waterfall head cascading down from above, and 8 massaging jets spaced along its sides, each adjustable for streaming at whatever part of my body needs a wet massage this time around. Swell bonus: the entire panel is mirrored.

So I guess in this case it's really the shower, the girl in the shower, and the girl in the shower's willingness to let you join her.

$299.99 ➠ Amazon

For the Lady on the Go: A Wearable Panty Vibrator

For the Lady on the Go: Wearable Panty Vibrator

Now she can wedge one in to squeeze one in. I'm talking panty vibrator and orgasm here. Busy women need only slip one of these sexy wearables inside their underoos and then use the included remote control to reward themselves with an instant pick-me-up anywhere from the sluggish commute to work to the unending line at the grocery store to the rickety bleachers during a cold drizzle at Billy's Little League game.

Uh-oh, on second thought, this might not be such a great gift. She'll love it, but a wearable panty vibrator doesn't bode so well for you.

$22.99 ➠ Amazon

For the Lingerie-Loving Man: Sissy Pouch Panties

For the Lingerie-Loving Man: Sissy Pouch Panties
For the Lingerie-Loving Man: Sissy Pouch Panties

I did not name these panties "Sissy Pouch Panties." Those exact words, in that exact order, are in their listing! They're in all the Amazon listings for lacy manties with a crotchal popout. I believe "sissy pouch" is an official term in the male lingerie industry.

$17.99 to $25 ➠ Amazon

For the Husband: A JHWilliams 1390-Piece Mammoth Tool Set

For the Husband: JH Williams 1390-Piece Mammoth Tool Set

Not a joke. Neither the price, nor the suggestion that your hub-a-dub-hubs would consider a 1,390-piece tool set the stuff wet dreams are made of, and the sexiest gift you've ever given him.

Well. Blowjobs notwithstanding.

$14,585.51 ➠ Amazon

For the Wife: HEAT-WAVE Hot Stone Massage Tool

For the Wife: HEAT-WAVE Hot Stone Massage Tool
For the Wife: HEAT-WAVE Hot Stone Massage Tool

Just empty your online cart of all that lingerie and scented lube, horny Hubs. You know all she wants is some aspirin and a back rub. OK, maybe put the lube back in for the back rub.

$87 to $164 ➠ Amazon
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